What sorts of things do you pretend your pet is saying or thinking?

This is the thread for pet owners like myself that have developed the strange habit of saying out loud what they want their pets to think. Please describe any pertinent detail, from the kind of voice that you pretend they have, catch phrases that they have, preoccupations that you imagine them having, and so on. Be warned, though - you're fucking crazy.

I realized this morning that I'm using a voice approximating Cartman from South Park (even though I never watch that show) for my two kittens. They like to ask if I'll please pick up some catnip when I go the store.

A friend of mine had a big Black Labrador with deep Boston accent that always called everyone Boss. "Hey boss, can I get some dinner over here?"

I hope this habit is as common as I think it is, so if I can get some New We're-All-Insane-Together-Boss Answers in here I'd appreciate it.

dog: "this....is.....AWESOME!!!"

I pretend he's apologising. No such luck.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2552/3893634581_fcdbf3a34c.jpg

I imagine my dog's voice as Chris from "Family Guy."

"Hey Dad, watch this, I'm going to run in run in circles until I sprain something HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OW OW OW OW OW OW OW"

Elroy says "Sorry 'bout that!" in a disgustingly saccharine tone whenever he does something wrong.

pretty sure my cat is a sassy black woman

"Hey Dad, watch this...

That reminds me, do you pretend your pets call you mom and/or dad? My gf does that, but I can't bring myself to it (yet).

"it really bothers me that you wont let me sit on you at all times, especially while working, even though i weigh like 60 or 70 lbs."

Snitter talks in a semi-lispy bass voice. His most common catchphrase is "I'm a dog, I can't go to college." More frequently, he talks about his home country, Snitlandia, and it's cultural traditions such as the Bellen Hat, the Snitlandian Orthodox Church, and their nation's beers (most notably the Schmettelwink, a trippel bock).

He also talks about how sexy female basset hounds are.

"I'm a dog, I can't go to college."

ahahahahahaha

Willie either has the voice of William F. Buckley or William Jefferson Clinton, depending on which member of my family you ask. He'd say "I'm a poodle. I don't need to go to college."

The stuff about Snitlandia is exactly the kind of stuff I was hoping to get from this thread, oh man!

Sorry to go on about Snitlandia, but I can almost guarantee Abbott has named a city in SimCity this.

The Bellen hat is a sepia-colored bowler, indented at the top, with pheasant feathers in the brim. His collar tag used to say "Ambassador of Snitlandia," but I decided maybe it should say his real name in case he ran off.

Ha ZS it's the name of a town I made in Animal Crossing.

with a name like maggie, i can only assume my dog speaks in the voice of a dickens urchin.

He still complains about how I won't buy him "Underdog on DVD or Blu-Ray disc today," which is how he requests it every time.

After sex: "smoooooth moves!"

ex gf always insisted that our cats called us "mom" and "dad" and it didn't really creep me out until after we broke up. my cat pretty much stopped talking once i moved into my own place.

It makes me imagine I gave birth to the damn thing, having it call me "mom" = creepy.

That's the thing about using mom and dad - it's kinda like a divorce if you break up!

my cat calls me "dude" and "asshole."
i call him "little man."

i could go on forever about my late cocker spaniel, but i'll start by saying that he has had several unsuccessful campaigns for Dog of the Block that consummated in him being named, by default, Dog of the Building. In his 16 years, he never successfully ran a campaign for anything, but man did he try.

He also spoke with a Southern accent and was extremely judgmental. He also unsuccessfully started and managed a fantasy basketball team that contained players such as Eric B@chmann, Will Ferre11 and our friend Jason. He was extremely proud of this accomplishment.

(he never called me mom or anything, as that was beneath him)

he was also an enthusiastic singer

http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/5/52/Garfield_zalgo_3.jpg

http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/5/52/Garfield_zalgo_3.jpg

It makes me imagine I gave birth to the damn thing, having it call me "mom" = creepy.

made me think of:

http://visibletime.ararchive.com/_Calvin_and_Hobbes3_.gif

max says "big day, guys!" when he jumps up onto the couch and sprawls out.

he also says "you forgot to give me all your attention" whenever I kiss my fiancee - he usually jumps in between us and/or puts his paws on one of us to divert us from each other. Jealous dog.

http://photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs254.snc1/10128_131230803577_516053577_2485852_3816733_n.jpg

Francie jumps on the bed every night and yarps in my ear for attention, and I always imagine her saying, "HEY-O! It's Francie time!"

Francie is a cat, btw, but she doesn't meow so much as make cat noises that are freakily similar to human speech patterns. Like, it really sounds like she says, "HEY-O!"

Whenever I move Morrie from my chair, he stomps over to the scratching thing and furiously claws away, muttering "this is your FACE" in his pissed off old man voice.

i don't have a pet right now but when i was taking care of cat this summer and she let her tail hang down from the windowsill i would sometimes grab it until she noticed i had it in my hand and then she'd look at me and i imagined she was saying "hey, that's my tail!" in a cute girly voice

My cat is 15 years old now, and I be thinking she be thinking all like fuck you dood for keeping me in this shit, which is no doubt some serious projection...

One of my housemates walked into the kitchen the other day and said to the cat, "You wouldn't have any intentionality if I weren't here to give it to you." It was the single nerdiest thing I've ever heard anyone say to an animal, amazing.

my cat mewls and cries like crazy, the most mournful thing you have ever heard, whenever she... finds one of my socks on the floor.

she sometimes brings it to me and presents it somberly like a fallen hero

and at that moment, she says...

"forgot your sock, boss"

At 6am on weekends: "Hey it's 6am, Dad. You might not remember but like every other day you get up at 5am and feed me and get ready to take me out. So why are you sleeping late today? Makes no sense from a historical context. . . although I do recall a similar aberration five days ago perhaps. Maybe if I whine a little and nudge your hand repeatedly and sit on Mom's head you'll realize your mistake. Yup that worked. There's the food. I'll just eat that now. Hey why are you back in bed? Did you forget about the take me out part? It's what happens after the food part. Okay okay you seem to be trying to rest. I'll let you do that for 10 minutes and then remind you about the take me out part again."

My cat goes "Where's mah dinner, bitch?" in this crabby voice.

http://www.memorygongs.com/yampy.jpg

She's not crabby at all though really, she's the politest cat ever, I'm just projecting on her.

Also tho, my cat does speak! Only when she thinks no one is listening - late at night R has said he's heard her, she makes this odd sound that sounds srsly like she's saying "hurro? Hurrro!" at the walls. Or insects, or something.

My two goldfish only say two different things, with the voice of the orangish fish in Pee-Wee's Playhouse:

"Feeeeeeeed us!" and "Thaaaaank you!"

My dog growing up said only one thing:

"oooooh boy!"

This thread is quickly turning into my indisputable proof that I am a total idiot

i am the small cat

i like toytles

My guinea pigs say, "WHEEP wheep" in this really satisfied way, to anything. They're so cheery, but so stupid! Dierdre was trying to quote the TV to me when I went to sleep and she said, "You ARE the wheepest link, good night." She has no brain, the sweet hairy peanut girl!

My last guinea pig, total Marlon Brando, would mostly tell me how classically handsome he was and how manly his paunch was. New guy is a lot more feisty and talks about his days in junior high track, and his desire to do freestyle climbimg. I can't bear to break it to the dude, who can't even climb over a brick.

The guppies say nothing. They're fucking guppies, do you think they can talk? Sheesh.

I'm pretty sure all fish say "feeeeeed us!" with the little underwater sound effect where you pucker your lips out and smack them back and forth with your finger.

"i am outside! i love you! you pick up my poop! lets eat dryer sheets!"

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

"who is that guy? that car is loud! i think there are birds over there! whats that thing? the cat upstairs smells weird! i found this toy outside and it tastes like mildew and mildew tastes awesome! i want to kiss you! let me smell your butt!"

"soon I will destroy you"

nothing because he died in 2007 :(

sorry dude

Time to consider a cat.

picture to look at while reading henrys direct transcriptions wirelessly transmitted to ILX:

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4063/4444240905_262ee975c1.jpg

<3

That is a handsome animal!

ahhhhhh I love him! also, I just watched the Henry/Benson video again and it's so good! <3

Our cat says one-syllable things in response to conversation, like "So?" and "No!" and "Why?" and "Now!"

Lou Lou mostly says "Wow!" and "Yow!" She also makes a quacking noise, which translates to "Wack!" when she thinks something is wack.

This morning lilly had a bluejay in her mouth and was sitting outside the window saying, "look dad, let me in, look I caught him all on my own, Let Me in!!!!!"

this is thread is kind of garfield minus garfield

Common breakfast-time conversation with any one of our dogs:

"Em, what's that food you have there? What is it?"
"It's coffee. Coffee is not for dogs."
"But my mammy says I can have it. My mammy always lets me have coffee, she says I can. Can I have yours?"
"No. It's not for dogs."
"But I love it! What can I have then?"

The cats will often say "this demeans us both!" when we have to pick them up, or "you'll never hold me!" when we have to put them in a catbox.

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4053/4438693327_f6ac666a2c.jpg

"Why? Why you do this to us?"

LITTLE DOGS, BECAUSE IT IS REALLY FUCKING CUTE, THAT IS WHY.

I envy your pets their rich internal lives.

"pretend"

My sister's Cavaliers appear more dumbfounded than the poodle, because they are much less clever. The poodle is a pretty good communicator. Does a front-leg bow to ask for food or OUTSIDE, shows whites of eyes whenever annoyed, posts on ILX. You know where you are with the poodle.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/146/354111117_1d2127ab94.jpg

totally unrelated repost but

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t214/ZachRScott/lovethisshow.gif

Actually, I think his jones is for the neighbour's Bichon.

ha, JohnJ, your dog-voice is pretty much like this old Dexter's Lab cartoon I loved where he uses SCIENCE to allow a stray dog to talk, and the dog basically runs around going "it's a thing! look at the thing! I found a thing!" and staying up all night yelling out the window ("I'm a dog! I hear you! you're a dog! I'm a dog too!")...

... and you think that seems appropriate, for a dog, but then in the end the dog's owner shows up to retrieve it and it's this stonerish guy who's all like "it's my dog! look at my dog! I found my dog!"

this useless old-cartoon summary was brought to you by

p.s. i'm not sure what about our dog keeps him from having that voice, but there's something in his body language that prefaces everything with "umm, hi." if he's being particularly clever or really wants something, it's almost a whole "umm, hi, umm, I don't know if you remember me, but I love with you, and I was wondering if I could have your dinner maybe please"

(i LIVE with you)

what the heckers, chess and checkers

my 61-pound 8 1/2 year old dog likes to blurt out "I'm just a tiny baby! I don't take up any space at all, really" as i fiercely defend the left-most 5-10% sliver of the bed that she allows me to sleep on

My wife and I are both working outside the house some weekdays; Tuffy the cat says "where are you going?" as he stares at us with sad eyes. When we come back, he purrs and rubs and says, "now you never have to leave again!"

hahaha

Tuffy is a great cat name, too

I WILL KILL YOU!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!

Oh hi, what's up?

Wow, the long-gone dogs in this thread!

Widget has such a wide array of vocalisations that they might as well be speech, but the bark that sounds like ‘RI-roo!’ means nobody is paying attention to him and this is very bad, and there’s a particular growly bark when he’s being challenged by humans that is definitely ‘fuuuuuuck yoooooou!’

If someone calls me Widget’s ‘mum’, I correct them absolutely instantly. I hate that shit - he is not my baby either; he is my widiot.

Dagmar is basically a pokemon who trots around going "dag dag dag i am dag", Jun has a voice that veers between French and Russian (b/c she is deposed aristocracy) and says things like "my sister eez a goblin" and "get zis peasant away from me".

When energetic, my cat will lightly chomp my hand or ankle then immediately lick the spot, which I always imagine her as saying, "Just playin'".

Dog: "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"

a classic thought!

https://i.imgur.com/MrYpwqA.png

i think this one captures a lot of it too

https://i.imgur.com/Qtf10rB.png

I think Tuffy's equivalent of a joke is running across the top of the stairs sideways with his back arched when he hears me climbing up, he never does it otherwise.

xp And its companion piece

https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ULEBmIw8JvI/VppTuDjXtqI/AAAAAAAAedo/2uv9_P4cMmQ/s400/far-side-cats.jpg

lol, hadn't seen that!

with my last long-term cat pal, Ralphie, i gave him an arch-villain kind of personality early on that seemed to suit his personality. he used to completely own the living room (and really all living spaces) by standing on the corner of a table and taking swipes at my poor dog every time she walked by. then loudly trimming his nails and letting the pieces fall in a pile. but then - similar to how i realized upthread that i was basically just using the cartman voice for an earlier cat i had - one day i realized that i was just using Brain's voice, from Pinky and the Brain. so i started adding a dracula affect as well, but it's still 90% Brain

i don't know the rest of you imagine, or what you do in general, when a relatively large cat makes a habit of standing on your chest and repeatedly jabbing the clavicle and adam's apple area, pawing and kneading and poking at it, just fucking _pressing_ it, over and over, until physically separated from your body. for me, it was all in the Brain's voice, it was the only way i could rationalize what was happening

Back in the summer, I was playing Henry Thomas's 'Bulldoze Blues" with the window open and watching a neighbour cat in the garden. Whenever the quills(recorder) kicked in, its ear went wild as if trying to get a fix on it. I'm pretty sure it was thinking 'What the fuck is this?"

https://fourandsons.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/FourAndSons_OffTheLeash_05.jpg

We've gone as far as to invent a nemesis for our cats called "Tea Towels" who speaks in a gruff cockney accent, much like my grandad did, and lambasts our cats for being "little boy lemons from the la la school", much like my grandad did me

one day i realized that i was just using Brain's voice, from Pinky and the Brain

Ha, there is definitely a Pinky and the Brain dynamic to our two and I have been known to sing "Dagmar and the Jun Jun Jun Jun" at them.

When any of the cats is tearing madly at the cardboard scratcher: "This is your FACE!"

lol

when it's a rough day at the office you have to let it out somewhere!

whenever my cats were scratching i always had difficulty imagining them saying anything other than "this is your irl couch! ha!"

It helps if they glance back at you balefully while shredding like mad tbh

Whenever husband lifts Bittser the dog out of the warm human bed in the morning to make him come to the kitchen and have his breakfast: "Noooooo, save me, mammy! I don't like to go!"

I once saw a nature documentary where a small monkey (a macaque, maybe?) was carried off by a troop of marauding baboons. The look of despair and terror on its face is similar to the one my cat wears when I pick him up and sing to him.

Decided to make this related thread: Songs You Sing To Your Cat