Least Favorite Law & Order Tropes/Conventions

"I'm sorry, detectives, I can't tell you that information; patient confidentiality prohibits me from discussing the case with you."
"Doctor, do you know what the perpetrator did to the victim? He MURDERED her and left her body on a bridge!"
"oh well in that case I'll just tell you everything about him, fuck patient confidentiality imo"

"Objection, your honor: leading the witness, also badgering the witness, also assumes facts not in evidence, also isn't actually a question but a speech"
"I'll allow it"

sorry, should read "I'll allow it lol"

I allol it.

"Pretty sure the person who killed this baby is this guy. No, this guy. No wait it's the original guy. Oh no wait, never mind, as always the only person who ever kills the baby is ITS OWN MOTHER!!!1!"

"jack you can't ignore the laws you want to put one penny ante murderer in jail"
"but i'm in the right"
"oh, well, okay, i won't turn you in"

"arthur, this is a purely black and white issue in which the right decision could be described as 'liberalism'"
"well, jack, allow me to throw some gray area your way with some folksy conservative wisdom delivered via an inscrutable barnyard metaphor"

"please allow us to waste 15 minutes of your viewing time chasing a possible perp who turns out to have an alibi so we might therefore be able to mock youth culture inna andy rooney style"

"i bet i can get you to give up the goods by telling you that i, too, am a member of alcoholics anonymous"

"we know you've spent 40 minutes stringing the audience along by insinuating you're going to bring these assholes to justice, but now allow us, the feds, to take over and let them off the hook by having them turn state evidence to rat out their buddies"

"hi, my name is detective green, and my loose cannon way with intimidating a suspect to force a confession will eventually cause headaches for the prosecutorial staff"

"well, i guess that one got away"
"no, i am now going to charge them with some ridiculous crime i just made-up that skirts legality so we can get them from another angle"
"oh, you mean the 'if can't get them for murder, we'll get them for fraud' routine"
"yes"

fuck you, john. i have work to do today.

(also i actually kind of love all this shtick.)

"i am nearing retirement age and haven't gotten laid since the carter administration"
"please allow me to let you live vicariously through my lovably sexist exploits on the singles scene as we drive to interview a witness"

if i ever open my own deli one of the dishes is going to be called "coleslaw: an order"

DA: I'm going to close up my office now.
Assistant DA: (enters) Did you hear the news? (delivers bleak ironic twist)
DA: (closes briefcase) (bitter reply) (the two walk out the door)

black

Executive Producer Dick Wolf

haha

how/when did Kangaroo Jack join this show?

"i refuse to rat out my friends"
"yes, but i, the assistant da, have breasts, whereas you are in jail where breasts are at a premium. perhaps if i flirt with you for 30 seconds, you will sell out your own mother"

*chung chung*

Scene: DA's office conference room

Defense attorney: That's ridiculous my client will never go for that.
DA: We'll see about that. (to potential defendant) Talk to us our you'll never see the light of day again.
Potential defendant: You're crazy, and I'm innocent.
Defense attorney: We're done here.
(the defense attorney and his client exit)
Assistant DA: Well now what?
DA: Dunno.

Scene: Central Park

A man and his toddler daughter are playing fetch with a dog. Father distractedly talks on his cell phone. Girl follows dog behind some trees.
GIRL: Daddy! Daddy!
Man annoyedly follows her voice.
CLOSE UP MAN'S AGHAST FACE.
MAN: I better call you back...

Standing over a recently killed victim

Forensics: Looks like whoever killed him didn't want him talking
Briscoe: Well, they sure shut him up all right. Looks like he won't be talking for a very long time.

CHUNG CHUNG

Standing over a stabbing victim:

BRISCOE: I haven't seen gash like that since I left my fourth wife.

Different story, same bullshit

Dead guy behind wheel of car

Forensics: Looks like he was trying to get away from whoever was trying to kill him.
Briscoe: Well, looks like he won't be going anywhere anytime soon.

CHUNG CHUNG

The beauty of L&O, at least when I watched it EVERYSINGLENIGHTSOMETIMESTWICE (about 12-15 yrs ago), is that it's entirely tropes/conventions. It's The Lone Ranger, only with better dialogue.

Bartender/Witness: I'd like to help you, Detectives, but unfortunately I am a bartender and therefore am obliged to be surly and evasive.

Detective: Then we are obliged to threaten to close you down for however long it takes to get the answers.

B/W: What do you want to know?

least favorites kind of double as favorites tbh

John Mulaney has some:

http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=89411&title=john-mulaney-laworder

hah that's pretty good