shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

("wacky"/weird news does not apply)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/donald-j-trump/my-new-golf-course-a-sour_b_323741.html

I was mentioned in the Press & Journal once - that should give you an idea of how prestigious Mr Trump's historian is.

Anyway, is that entire site an Onion parody?

lol comments

"As a leader of Intimacy Retreats and the author of Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day, I always recommend that couples schedule time for intimacy."

While over 90% of the locals, politicians, businesses and top historians support my project\\

lol

LOL at that trump article

http://www.thedeclaration.org/article/more-just-secondhand-news

I know what you’re thinking. I don’t want to read another review of that frickken Phish show! Plus I can totally download the concert for free off the internet. HELLZ NO. Last week, I saw Fleetwood Fucking Mac, and it was the greatest night of my life, and I’m going to tell you all about how much it ruled.

http://grab.by/2ywT

also file under "shit that looks like a hipster runoff post but isn't"

file under 'headlines that would've made absolutely no sense to anyone 15 years ago'

"Fast-growing public fighting memes" is a pretty big category.

can you imagine actually reading an explanation of why this particular public fight meme has had an accelerated rate of adoption compared to other public fight memes?

Is there even another public fight meme other than bumfights? I remember that grew pretty fast...

pretty much every article by the DPRK's news service

http://www.forbes.com/2010/02/23/flint-autos-toyota-business-recall.html?boxes=Homepagelighttop

http://images.forbes.com/media/commentary/jflint.jpg

http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/309172,report-taxi-driver-remake-mulled-by-scorcese-von-trier.html

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-silicone-bullet25-2010feb25,0,1532754.story

no, von trier, nooooooo!

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/8057/theage.jpg

Grandpa Wins $10000 iTunes Gift Card

"Socially alert student poet unimpressed by conformity"

I would like to see von Trier incorporate all these stories into his Taxi Driver remake.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1254205/High-noon-Stamford-Bridge-John-Terry-comes-face-face-man-betrayed-shake-hands.html

The entire dailymail site had some choice cuts but I went with this one.

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/pennsylvania/20100228_Thieves_take_jewelry__leave_child_at_Phila__store.html

lol @ comments on stan's article.

i like to read this thread title like:

shit! that looks like an onion article but isn't

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/03/22/real.men.eat.salad/index.html?hpt=Mid

(CNN) -- Real men eat salads. I know this because I am a dude. Right now, in my fridge, I have five bottles of hot sauce, a jar of Cheez Whiz and half a pack of hot dogs. But recently I went to lunch with a couple of buds, and I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard.

It was a basic frissée salad with bacon, shallots and a poached egg, tossed in a light vinaigrette. Frissée is a curly, toothsome leaf, bitter enough to balance bacon and egg but still possessed of a pleasant spring.

My friends laughed at me. They pointed. One ordered a burger, the other fried calamari. I was chastised for not eating "man food."

For those of you who aren't familiar with this gender normative term, "man food" is food that you'd imagine a lumberjack or a cowboy or a Viking would eat. Towers of butter-soaked pancakes. Pots of napalm-hot chili. Meat on a bone.

Thoroughly unsubtle, "man food" is rustic fare meant to satisfy a hearty appetite. Quantity is prized over quality. Calories are "fun points." The more "fun points," the tastier the belly filler.

But sometimes a dude needs a change. Specifically, a salad. A fresh, crisp, crunchy salad. Salads offer breathers between manly meals. Spinach, cucumber, tomato, red onions, mushrooms, chickpeas, oil and vinegar -- that is my usual jam.

I don't need any fancy, goopy dressings compromising my vegetables. (What does a ranch actually taste like, anyway?) Sometimes, I might throw some almonds or walnuts up in there. I've been known to be down with blueberries and mandarin oranges. I like bacon or grilled chicken on occasion. I am not a fan of unnecessary carbs like croutons. And then there are those moments I go crazy and get a frissée freakin' salad.

I didn't evolve without help. There was a time where, if I cut myself shaving, I'd bleed sausage gravy. My heart squeezed more than it pumped. And I also grew what I call "fat wings."

Luckily, the woman I was dating at that time didn't like any of those things. Being able to sit in a bathtub full of buffalo wings is every dude's birthright, but I eventually learned that being attractive for your significant other is also pretty manly.

My girlfriend was a smart woman and didn't bring up my devolving into a human biscuit. What she did was announce that we were going to save money so that Saturday nights, we could go to the local barbecue joint and destroy some cow with our faces.

Obviously, my first thought was, "Aww, she wants me to help her lose weight." So I humored her. She came home from the supermarket with a stack of plastic disposable containers. In each, she put one potential salad ingredient. Not only the ones that would become my favorite but kidney beans, green peppers, corn and pepperoni slices.

She created a mini-salad bar in our fridge. It was easy, and I was told I could eat as much as I wanted. This became my lunch and occasional dinner.

You know what? We saved money. I lost weight. Gained energy. And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

I kept this up this salad-centric diet for months. My friends would come over to watch a fight or brawl on the PlayStation, and I'd meet them at the door with a salad in my hand.

The landlord would need my help with some drywall; I'd put my salad down.

At work, I'd articulate corporate strategy during lunch meetings spearing cucumbers in my lucky bowl of awesome salad. I made eating salad sexy. I made it macho, macho.

Is it rabbit food? Friend, if it's rabbit food, then that rabbit is the size of a ferocious bear.

My friends poked fun at me as I munched on my fancy salad. It was tasty. I love how the warm yolk from the poached egg lightly coated the frissée, adding a dimension of hardiness to a dish with such leafy bounce. And the bacon chunks added just the right amount of fatty salt, more sturdy ballast. I wiped my mouth.

We were out celebrating one guy's birthday. The other guy, an old friend from college, was "in-between gigs." It had been another tough year. "Salad is not man food," they mocked. Oh, but it is. I ordered a final round of beers. Then I picked up the check.

Are salads manly? What is the manliest salad? Are you the sort of guy who wouldn't touch a salad if a gun was put to his head? Tell us in the comments whether you think salads can count as "man food."

where to start

I love how the warm yolk from the poached egg lightly coated the frissée, adding a dimension of hardiness to a dish with such leafy bounce. And the bacon chunks added just the right amount of fatty salt, more sturdy ballast. I wiped my mouth.

YUM YUM

Is that an Anderson Cooper piece?

Being able to sit in a bathtub full of buffalo wings is every dude's birthright

Who does this?

why doesnt he just call it a salad lyonnaise

good salad btw--i saw jacques pepin make one once on PBS, he poached the egg in like 2 inches of olive oil

where to start

― call all destroyer, Tuesday, March 23, 2010 4:38 PM

I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard.

"Salad is not man food," they mocked. Oh, but it is. I ordered a final round of beers. Then I picked up the check.

pooping before bathing in your tub of buffalo wings

but what about:

And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

xpost HA!

Calories are "fun points." The more "fun points," the tastier the belly filler.

"""""""""fun points"""""""""

this guy needs to advertise his services, like:

john devore, a local "dude," will talk to you about what is manly and how it is different from what you might think.

first of all, i want to know why this is on cnn.com? what is the market for this? do people read articles on cnn.com aside from actual news?

secondly, how is it that articles like this get pitched/accepted/assigned like... 5 years after a meme like "man food" became a "thing". if you had shown the text of this to me undated i would've been all "no way this was written after 2005, not a chance"

had no idea that calories were fun points. i mean, i like fun!

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/lists/reasons-why-chocolate-drink-yoohoo-rocks-blog

Maybe once age and decrepitude have strip-mined by palette, I'll think about swilling a Yoo-Hoo. The risk-taking of a convalescent. But even then, I doubt I'll wrap my wrinkled lips around a Yoo-Hoo jar.

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/blogs/lists/reasons-why-chocolate-drink-yoohoo-rocks-blog#ixzz0j2EUvn70

someone get howie long to comment on this

uuuuuuuuuuughh did he really say "whoopee time" -- was this even edited? C'MON MAN

okay, so maybe it's satire!

maybe?

no

seems like a troll, him being a Democrat, but still

https://www.wlbt.com/2025/01/22/mississippi-politician-files-contraception-begins-erection-act/#jgwnrb0qngeyuc9ka5ckhihxrw4nrnm

JACKSON, Miss. (WLBT) - A state senator in Mississippi has filed a bill entitled the “Contraception Begins at Erection Act.”

As written by Sen. Bradford Blackmon, the bill would make it “unlawful for a person to discharge genetic material without the intent to fertilize an embryo.”

There are also fines involved, the third strike resulting in the loss of $10,000 from the perpetrator.

In a statement to WLBT News, Blackmon wrote, “All across the country, especially here in Mississippi, the vast majority of bills relating to contraception and/or abortion focus on the woman’s role when men are fifty percent of the equation.

Sewer fatberg of ‘grease and rags’ forces Bryan Adams to postpone Perth concert
https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2025/feb/10/sewer-fatberg-of-grease-and-rags-forces-bryan-adams-to-postpone-perth-concert

that's the best headline ever.

Sewer Fatberg's attorney sent a cease and desist letter.

https://thedemocraticstrategist.org/_memos/tds_SM_Levison_strategies_dont_work_condensed_vf.pdf

It's only a matter of time before blues legend Sewer Fatberg ruins a Bryan Adams gig. In a hilarious way. With hilarious consequences.

Sewer Fatberg and the Rowdy Fellows. With their classic proto-rock number "Greasy Raggin'".

although, as the headline states, Sewer Fatberg is currently a member of Grease and Rags

swer fatberg is sweden's third-string goalie in this week's four nations hockey tournament

San Francisco auto glass shops suffering as car break-ins drop

“We used to get 60 to 80 calls a day,” said Hank Wee, manager of In & Out Auto Glass [...] He remembered how the shop was abuzz in 2017, a year when thousands of people returned to their cars to find windshields splintered and glass lodged in their door frames. “Now we’re lucky to get 25,”

https://bsky.app/profile/onestpress.onestnetwork.com/post/3lp2lz5lndc2y

As part of the red-carpet treatment, Saudi officials arranged for a fully operational mobile McDonald’s unit to accompany President Trump during his stay.

https://www.wsj.com/style/ana-de-armas-john-wick-ballerina-keanu-reeves-6da0287e

Ana de Armas Takes a Bath Every Day

Given the usual celebrity hygiene blind items that’s actually news.

https://www.wired.com/story/chlorine-dioxide-bleach-mms-autism-rfk-fda-warning/

The Bleach Community Is Ready for RFK Jr. to Make Their Dreams Come True
Online communities dedicated to the use of a toxic bleach solution to treat everything from cancer to autism believe Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is interested in their cause.

This would have been a totally normal Onion article a year ago.

Poundland sold for £1 with shops set to close

all downhill since they stopped doing their knockoff toblerones for £1

(actually very useful for cheap snacks. and batteries)

Sounds like an iffy idea to begin with--a theme park based around a fascist modernist poet.

"Sounds like an iffy idea to begin with--a theme park based around a fascist modernist poet"

My experience of Poundland was very different. I remember that it was one of the last places that sold camera film - for £1! - albeit that it was eventually gobbled up by collectors. It's the easiest way to get hold of change on the high street because the self-service machines still accept cash. It also has 3-in-1 coffee cheaper than Tesco. And curious not-quite real pop music on the in-store speakers.

Every time I go there I think of Pac-Land, and that makes me feel slightly sad. Remember Pac-Land? It was a Pac-Man sequel that resembled Super Mario Brothers but it came out a year earlier. It could have been a whole new dawn for the franchise. It could have thrust Pac-Man into the twenty-first century. But it was just so dull! And broken and wrong and unentertaining. All flat. Flat ground. No fun. It had all the ingredients, it had the looks. But no. It was like the Exxos version of Dune that came out shortly before Dune 2, the proto-Command & Conquer. It had all the ingredients but they were mixed wrong. Although not to the same extent.

"FCC’s last Democratic commissioner doesn’t know why Trump hasn’t fired her yet"

I go into my local Poundland quite a lot since they finally got rid of the really strong smell of piss.
Useful for snacks, kids' toothbrushes, unbranded antihistamines.

Ken McFeeters suffers dirt bike injury in attempted Tuberville callout

https://www.alreporter.com/2025/06/18/ken-mcfeeters-suffers-dirt-bike-injury-in-attempted-tuberville-callout/

Keir Starmer says good relationship with Donald Trump based on shared family values

Gave me a genuinely good laugh

"Vanessa Trump Reportedly 'Found Happiness For The First Time' With Tiger Woods"

US lawmakers write to Canada to complain that its wildfire smoke is spoiling summer

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2025/aug/04/audio-of-adam-driver-and-scarlett-johansson-arguments-from-marriage-story-used-to-scare-off-wolves-in-the-us?utm_source=firefox-newtab-en-us

https://variety.com/2023/music/news/stephen-king-wife-threatened-divorce-mambo-no-5-1235714923/

https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/female-arizona-senate-candidate-women-shouldnt-hold-office-22263834

tower of morons

Stephen King's Mambo No 5 obsession makes me want to hear it covered by The Ramones

this apology felt like it was out the Onion:

“When I realized the rabbits were being surrendered to me, I panicked. At 19, with no experience caring for animals, no pet-friendly housing, and no knowledge of available resources, I felt overwhelmed and made the worst possible choice. Believing, mistakenly, that there were existing rabbits in that area, I released them there, thinking that was my best option. That belief was wrong, and I regret it deeply.”

Who said that, Lennie Small?

^ https://www.newsweek.com/anna-delvey-rabbit-assitant-bunnies-dumped-new-york-2111663

did we have a thread for second mentions of things in newspaper articles (the way they invent phrases to avoid having to repeat 'rabbit' every time)? because that article contains a lot.

cotton-tailed hopper
long-eared lagomorphs
carrot munchers

Something very non-story/AI about this one ...

https://www.ky3.com/2025/08/13/wilcos-first-concert-springfield-2-decades-excites-fans

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. (KY3) - Chicago-based band Wilco is returning to Springfield for the first time in nearly 20 years, making their dedicated fan base very excited.

The band last played in Springfield in 2006, and now they’re scheduled to play at the Gillioz on Wednesday at 8 p.m.

Stacy Shoemake, a Wilco fan from Nixa, has seen the band somewhere between 80 and 90 times; she says it’s too many to count.

“It’s just that I can’t not go because it’s the main joy, the thing that makes me the happiest out of the whole world of music,” said Shoemake.

She’s not the only fan who feels this way, many fans I spoke to have seen them between 15 and 26 times.

The music is only part of the reason fans keep coming back, co-host of the Wilco podcast, Lance Hill, explained to me that it’s the versatility of their catalogue that fans keep coming back.

“People who haven’t heard of them, and they ask you, like, well, what do they sound like,” said Hill. “Rock is the easy answer, but also, maybe a little bit of country. They’re a tough one to categorize because I think the catalog is so vast.”

Wilco fans also keep coming back for the community.

“They’re all just tremendous people that you’re really fortunate to get to know,” said Shoemake.

It’s a community where several fans raised their kids.

“When my wife was pregnant with our oldest daughter, when they were playing some of the high chime noise, different things that they do, our baby was kicking around and dancing to the music,” said John Betts, a fan who’s seen the band 25 times.

Fans aren’t the only ones coming back; Wilco’s history in Springfield started with local legend Lou Whitney.

“He was sort of a music guru for a lot of people and sort of a beacon of great taste,” said Joe Livingston, a former radio host for The Planet.

“I believe it was called the Attic at the time, Lou Whitney used to run it was above the Outland and that was the first time I saw Wilco play, it was right after their first album came out and there was maybe 20 people there.”

Wilco later recorded “Why Would You Wanna Live” at Whitney’s studio, and it landed on Wilco’s 1996 second album “Being There,” which went gold.

After almost 20 years of waiting, Wilco fans are ready for the comeback.

“I honestly have not been to the Gillioz since I was a kid and went to summer movies from Disney Elementary School, so I’m really excited to see the theater,” said Livingston.

“I really had hoped that the Gillioz would bring them. I didn’t actually expect it would happen, but the day that I saw that it was announced, I was just absolutely elated,” Stacy said. “I couldn’t believe I was going to get to see them again and not have to take a road trip to go see my favorite band.”

I honestly have not been to the Gillioz since I was a kid and went to summer movies from Disney Elementary School

Many fans I spoke to have seen them between 15 and 26 times.

Marilyn Hagerty branching out into music reporting, I see

"When Debbie Harry met Alice Cooper’s pet snake, Julius Squeezer":
https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/blondie-1978-debbie-harry-alice-cooper-snake-b2807726.html

""It’s not often you find a snake in the green room before you go onstage," Goddard said. "It didn't seem to phase Debbie, though. She really quite enjoyed being wrapped up by the snake.""

It's a plug for a photo exhibition slash book, Blondie in Camera 1978. I remember seeing this exhibit at Somerset House, which terrifying was now ten years ago, comma, of photos of Blondie (the band) taken by Chris Stein, and it struck me that it must take enormous skill to make Deborah Harry or New York circa 1978 look bad.

Tim Allen says Erika Kirk inspired him to forgive the man who killed his father

Dave Chappelle Says ‘It’s Easier to Talk’ in Saudi Arabia Than the U.S.

crazy, almost sounds like the premise of some kind of joke

just the headline: 7 New Fast Food Menu Items Just Dropped & I Want EVERYTHING

Apple Crisp Oatmilk Shaken Espresso

Why do starbucks persist in this idea that their sugarladen flavoured milkshakes have any assoication with espresso coffee? Who in the fuck would drink this? Just call it an apple milkshake ffs.

Unfortunately I think the actual headline got changed but as you can see in the URL it was

Truck Hauling Aggressive Monkeys Carrying Herpes and Covis Overturns in Missisipi

https://www.actionnews5.com/2025/10/28/truck-hauling-aggressive-monkeys-carrying-herpes-covid-overturns-mississippi/

Covid, dammit. Stupidfingers.

Covis and Butt-herpes

https://apnews.com/article/fifa-peace-prize-trump-infantino-682042bcb23ba0e02dcc5f1e88894ffd

https://apnews.com/article/fifa-peace-prize-trump-infantino-682042bcb23ba0e02dcc5f1e88894ffd🕸

The line about him lobbying himself for the Nobel is quality content.

FIFA could do something hilarious and not give it to Trump but you already know they won't do that

https://www.theguardian.com/music/2025/nov/17/nicki-minaj-un-speech-trump-nigeria-christian