In This Thread We Rewrite the Miranda Warning According to Our Whims

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Are you cool with that?

don't talk, let someone else do it, words are important

You have the right to keep your pants on. Anything you show and tell by dropping your pants can and will be used against you in a YouTube video. You have the right to a belt and/or suspenders during questioning. If you cannot afford a belt and/or suspenders, an officer of the court will hold your pants up for you. Tough luck if you don't like people touching you around the waist.

hope u got $

You have the right to remain an asshole. Anything you say can will be used against you in the court of public opinion. You have the right to deny you are an asshole. If you cannot articulate why you're not an asshole, then that's your fucking problem.

"lol u arrested"

When I was arrested in high school, even tho they put me in handcuffs & into a police car, I didn't know I'd been arrested until they called my parents & told them bcz they didn't recite the Miranda rights. I only know how this stuff works from tv, dudes!

You have the right to remain silent, depending on whether you believe there's really such a thing as silence, but that's a whole other thing, kind of. See you soon, your friends, the Police

I'm too old for this shit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPeWSpB_7w4

You have the right to remain silent. However, maintaining prolonged silence for more than 24 hours will cause you to be subject to psychological testing. Also, someone will likely refer to you as a "selective mute" and ppl at the trial be like "Daaaaaaaamn he's crazy AND guilty!"

I was not read my Miranda rights on the occassion of my first arrest either, Abbott! I thought I was onto a Supreme Court case, let me tell you.

I'm so glad I don't commit crimes anymore.

You have the right to remain silent, unless I squeeze you real hard. I bet you make noise if I squeeze you! Bet you five dollars.

guys i think the only place they mirandize u right away when you get arrested is on COPS

ha yeah you watch too much tv

(Prince version)

u have the rite
2 remain silent

*blistering guitar solo*

^ WIN

i'm mad letdown by this news that getting arrested is not like how it is on tv

usu. they mirandize you at the station after you've been sitting around for two hours and you're so exhausted by the whole deal that you'll sign anything just to go your fukin cell and get an hour's sleep, not that I'd know

COPS version

You have the right to have a mosaic put over your face to hide your shame from the general public. Anything you say will get bleeped and make you look crazy. You have the right to an attorney present during questioning but it won't do a damn bit of good because lol the whole thing's on tape. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you, but as I was saying earlier about the tape...

Yeah, the Miranda thing is best viewed as the point of demarcation between what is and what isn't admissible in a court of law. And even then, its not 100%.

they need to cut the miranda warning down to 160 characters, get w/the times old man miranda

u can stfu iirc. shit u say will get italicized and lol'd @.

You have the obligation to understand that if you in any way let me know that you are aware of your rights in this situation, this is going to be 20 times harder on you.

I think they should expand it for greater clarity and a more conversational feel, as the present version is to rote from TV that it's like the Pledge of Allegiance, where the words just roll by free of meaning:

You're totally under arrest, man. Sorry. We're probably gonna as you a bunch of questions and stuff about what we think you did. But like just so you know? You don't have to answer. You don't have to say anything. Honest. Even if we sorta act like you do. Like you can totally just sit there and stare at the wall and don't get me wrong, we'll totally be dicks about it, but technically you're allowed to do that. We will totally be dicks and make you really uncomfortable and stuff, but still. Because then if you do say stuff, it's all on the record and we can totally nail you on it. In court and everything. So if you try to take something back that you say now, and you're all like "oo, not guilty, I never did that," we will totally be like "hmm but check out what you said before, sucka, YA BURNT," and you'll look like a big fat liar in front of everyone. Actually you know who could explain all this stuff to you like way better? Is a lawyer. You can have one of those with you when we talk. It's like your right or something. I know, I know, you're all like: dude, like I have a lawyer? Who do I look like, some fancy business-tie "let me call my lawyer" person who has his own telephone at work? But here's the thing: you can just get a lawyer, like for free. You get a free lawyer with your arrest. Not a super-great one, necessarily, but, you know, free, you can't beat that. So ... yeah.

m bison i thank you 4 1 v. loud LOL

u can stfu iirc. shit u say will get italicized and lol'd @.

― chemical ali v. chemical frazier (m bison), Wednesday, October 28, 2009 4:05 PM (1 minute ago)

:D

can somebody do a Mamet one, like nabisco's but less hopeful? thx

I think that was like the George Saunders Miranda Rights.

(Now I want to do it in the styles of various authors.)

I am not going to bother ILX with it but the first draft attempt at an Updike Miranda got pretty interesting

you used the word "furtive" a lot, didn't you

I got toward the end and realized that an Updike Miranda just wouldn't be an Updike Miranda without a description of your public defender's vagina

I tried one that started "riverrun, to remain silent," but thought better

You have the right to steal if you're poor. Anything you stole will not be held against you in a court of Tuomas. You have the right to an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. But fear not, you'll be applauded for your actions.

You can haz rite to stays quiet. Anyfin u say mite get u in trub with the loar. U can haz atterny.

You have the right to remain silent; however, please be advised that this will be taken as tacit confirmation that you are 'ghey for horses'.

You know you can totally shut up now. Or whatever, go on talking, we'll see how that works out for you later. I'll bet you probably want a lawyer now, don't you. Wittle babby want a lawyer? Okay, fine. Have a lawyer. Hell, we'll get you a lawyer. You can shut up any time you like, you know.

^^ that was meant to be a somewhat Passive-Aggressive Miranda but it bears a weird resemblance to Martyred Mom Miranda

yeah that was fucking creepy, I'd confess to anything not to hear that.

nabs you are having way too much fun with this

lol at first i read the first sentence as a response to jon lewis and thought "why is nabisco so mad?"

Uh huh, uh huh, huh really?, ok hey, just a sec ahem youhavetherighttoremainsilent, anythingyousaycanandwillbeusedagainstyouinacourtoflaw, youhavethe righttoanattorneypresentduringquestioning, ifyoucannotaffordanattorney, onewillbeappointedforyouokgotit? sweet, so, you lost your keys, huh? wow what are the odds, so what'd you do once you figured out you lost your keys? no, i'd do the same...cut your hand, huh? man i hear that

"Fine, just stand there and don't say anything. It's not like you owe us an explanation. God forbid you would tell your own police force anything. God knows you're so persecuted, we're so vindictive, we're just going to use what you say to destroy you. That's what we are to you, isn't it? It's not like we take care of you or keep you safe from criminals, is it? All day all night since before you were born we go out and deal with people, types of people you should be lucky never to deal with, people who shoot at us. That's okay. God help us we never expected to be thanked for it. But here you are, Mr. Big Suspect, look how clever you are now, and do you care? Oh, we'll find you an attorney. No, we'll give you one. We know, we know, you'll go tell all your friends how unfair we were to you, but never let it be said that we did not provide you with an attorney! Never you mind who pays for it. Never you mind what trouble it is to us. Never let it be said that we did not at least have the decency to provide you with an attorney, a lot of thanks it gets us!"

oh god nabs you just made me turn off my cell phone, just in case

You.
You have.
You have the.
You have the right.
The right.
The right to.
The right to remain.
The RIGHT to REMAIN.
THE RIGHT TO REMAIN!!!
...silent.

nobody has to say anything. if you say anything this is what we will talk about when we talk in court. call a lawyer if you need a lawyer. so much free legal assistance so close to home.

it is our job to prove you did a crime. please don't do our job for us.

YOU GOTTA FIGHT
FOR YOUR RIGHT
TO SHUUUUT UPPP

'ayo stfu'

"First off, I'm not even going to talk to you unless I've already decided you're guilty but I don't want to go through the hassle of actually finding independent evidence to prove it. So don't go screaming to everybody about how you didn't get your Miranda warnings when the Channel 4 live broadcast caught you shooting that guy right in front of me five seconds before I tackled you and arrested you. I'm not going to bother asking you questions, because you're already screwed, pal."

"Alright. Now, you, you I am going to talk to. And you can remain silent, assuming you want to. I'm not going to force you to talk. But I should warn you, if you do talk, anything you say will be twisted into an admission of guilt in court. And if you don't talk, I'll just assume you're guilty and figure out any way I can to get you. You can ask for a lawyer now or any time, and you don't have to pay for one. Really! If you do ask for one, I'll stop bugging you with questions, but I'm going to get really annoyed and screw with you."

"Finally, if you agree to talk to me, you should know this: I'm going to lie to you. A lot. I'm going to say any and all kind of bullshit to get you to say what I want you to say. Because, and let me be absolutely clear about this, my goal is NOT to get to the truth. My goal in talking to you is to get you to incriminate yourself, and I'll do anything I legally can to you to get you to do that. I am not your friend--I don't give a shit about you, even if I pretend to. I'm only talking to you because I've already decided you're a scumbag criminal but I can't prove it."

"So, knowing all that: wanna chat?"