Beat them up

I have violent fantasies about people who aren't committing any offense, much less people with slight social offenses.

At least once a day.

Ally, I'm liking you more and more. Actually, my answer is "yes", but unlike Ally I don't really feel good about it.

Like when people wont move so you can get off the T just kicking their buttocks...

Mainly about people who talk or answer mobile phones in cinemas...I just wanna go WWF on them, kick them in the gut and chuck them through the screen.

My reasoning is that most people I encounter are doing some sort of socially offensive thing, like standing on the side of the escalator that is supposed to be kept clear for walking, or pushing into the subway when there's no room and/or people are trying to get out, or talking to me when I don't feel like talking very obviously because they made a disgusting lewd comment towards me and then proceeded to call my house obnoxiously in the middle of the night even though we all work together for fuck's sake...erm, ahem.

Anyhow, I figure everyone I meet is annoying, so I want to punch them. You have to prove you're not in my mind. It's like the Napoleonic system.

I often wish I could use special mental powers to make poeples heads explode like pineapples stuffed with dynamite

Ah. I'm not the only person who wants to be a Scanner.

I also often feel like beating up people who ask for tons of samples of ice cream before they decide when the line is huge and angry. They deserve a kick in the stomach followed by a total shove

You should buy a gun and shoot them.

Like a gothic high-school kid would do?

I always figure God made me short and wiry for a reason. With my mouth and my temperament, I'd probably be in jail now if I was built like a linebacker.

When I went to lunch this afternoon, there was this lady who was trying to crowd her way into a small, packed pizzeria with a fucking big-ass baby carriage, shoving everyone out of her way and demanding others (namely, me) get out of her way. The manager told her she had to leave. He ought to be given a medal.

Then there was this dumb, fat fuck standing smack in the middle of the subway staircase, smoking a disgusting cigar and totally oblivious to everyone coming at him from both directions. How I wished someone (namely, me) would have taken that lit cigar and shoved it slowly up his fat rectum.

Its terrible isnt it. these urges we all have ? Perhpas the Asians ar emore tolerant fo their feelnig of love of violence so it makes them less guilt ridden unlike us Christian turn the other cheeks-devil- inside folks.

Catharis effect! Thinking about performing violence makes some people less likely to go through with it.

Ally = the living embodiment of a New Yorker. Do they give you people a New York Attitude Handbook when you get your 212 phone number installed or something?

I fail to see what's wrong with my attitude. Is it really too much to ask people to respect both the flow of traffic and the idea that you don't sexually harrass your coworkers and then harrass them via phone in the middle of the night? Or should I be taking this behavior and smiling happily like some sort of moron?

Simple rules of etiquette, that's all. You don't shove your way onto a subway (and what the fuck, but is it just me or do high schoolers do this the most? I mean, I was never in that kind of rush to get to school). You don't stand on the walking side of the escalator, particularly at the Lexington stop which has that unbearably long escalator. It's not a fucking ride, it's a stairway. You don't stand on the corner of 5th and 57th and block off the intersection so you can figure out where you are because you're a dumb tourist. It's just very simple. Move to the side, that's all anyone asks. Non NYers never do. So I highly advocate hurling tourists and nonworking people in front of taxis.

Just be thankful I no longer carry a gun.

Ally's attitude is only "rude" to those who haven't spent much time in New York City. Try living or working on a small island, inhabited by 5 million or so people, which has millions more coming and going every day, disgustingly humid weather in the summer, crowded subways (made worse because of this bridge repair work), and try to maintain your composure without adapting. That said, most New Yorkers are much more polite than most New Jerseyans (and I know of what I speak on that subject!)

Oh yeah -- people who don't follow the "let the passengers OFF the train before boarding" rule deserve to be eviscerated. As do the "gatekeepers" -- those assholes who stand at the door AND WON'T FUCKING MOVE, even if the whole fucking car is getting off and a mob is waiting to get on. People like that make me wish that the subway doors were made of razor blades.

I wasn't slamming Ally's attitude. I'm sure anyone who stays in New York long enough acquires vestiges of it, and with good reason. Having never come in contact with Real New Yorkers before last year, I used to think that said attitude was only displayed by people on TV with strong Italian accents, and seeing as I've met Ally and found her neither agressive nor Italian, I was just kind of amused.

I am Italian :)

Seriously though, I wasn't in the mood to be aggressive at all that night. I was extremely depressed, Otis did more than enough "aggressive" for the entire table. Come to the next meet, I'll make up for it.

We Bostoners have no attitude as we are superior.

Mike Hanley encapsulates the Boston Experience in one grand sentence! Amazing!

Boston blows, I hate it.

The Gershwins did it first: Whatever you want, you can't do it in Boston.

I hate Boston too.

I am strting to hate it too, thats wny I'm moving to Kansas city

No, Ally's right. For some reason certain New Yorkers wake up with the attitude that sounds like this: "Fuck You, Everybody," and they put it in initial caps, too, because they're that stupid; "Fuck You, Everybody, I can stand on THIS side of the escalator if I want to. I dare you to tell me to get out of the way."

So, you have your fantasies of pushing people in front of subway cars or shooting someone in the head or kicking their kneecaps off, but it's really just harmless fun compared to people who use their stature and their shitty attitude to sneer in your face when they're doing something they know damn well they shouldn't do. Although a friend of mine did beat the shit out of someone in Grand Central for hitting him in the back with his briefcase. That was fun to see. The guy was like, "Hey, man, I'm just trying to get to work" and Mike goes, "You'll be lucky if you can even walk, motherfucker" and hit him once. Guy went down. Mike gave him a lecture about how you shouldn't turn around and hit people with your briefcase because you think you can get away with it.

But, you know, meditate or something. Actually, it doesn't really bother me. It's kind of funny in a stupid way. But, if I got hit with a briefcase I would have done the exact same thing. That's pushing it.

Remember this old thread?
Sure feels good to see some true colors coming out.

They do do shit like that, it's insane. It's like, what possesses certain people to bring their BIKES on the subway during rush hour? What possesses business men to talk extremely loudly on their cell phones in all venues, including theatres and restaurants? What possesses them to act like you are the problem when you try to avoid them? I guess it all comes down to the idea that no one thinks that what they do is unacceptable, since they're the ones doing it.

Ally, I think it's really only certain types of NYers. There are others who have enough self-respect and self- awareness to not want to be perceived that way. I'm not going to act like a 5th grade bully just to claim this little bit of public space. And I'm not going to be responsible for ruining everyone's day around me. Fuck, you might as well turn your boom box on full blast and start cursing along with the music at the old lady sitting across from you, just to prove it really is your space. Childish, man!

>For some reason certain New Yorkers wake up with the attitude that sounds like this: "Fuck You, Everybody," and they put it in initial caps, too, because they're that stupid; "Fuck You, Everybody, I can stand on THIS side of the escalator if I want to. I dare you to tell me to get out of the way."

When I still worked at 42nd and 3rd, and had to take that really long elevator at the subway stop, one morning there was this young woman standing on the walking side of the escalator who was giving major attitude to everyone complaining about her blocking their way (doing the "speak to the hand" thing, cussing people out, etc.) The only reasons she didn't get smacked were the societal taboo against men hitting women (in public, anyway) and maybe even because she was Hispanic (no-one wants to start a racial incident). (Lest anyone think that I'm harping on this young woman's ethnicity, I only bring it up to explain why some people might not have been as rude to her as she deserved, as well as the general observation that even ethnic/racial minorities can be just as assholish as white people.)

This afternoon, I had to take the 5 to Midtown coming back from a Downtown appointment. The weather was a typical hot, sticky and disgusting New York summer day, and the car was packed full like a cattle-car full of hot, sweaty, smelly people who couldn't help push, shove, and jostle each other. It's a wonder that anyone maintains their composure at all under such circumstances.

Hey, you know what might be fun to do next time? Say very loudly (in a Eddie Murphy kind of way*) to everyone nearby, "DOES ANYONE MIND IF I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THIS WOMAN RIGHT NOW? IS ANYONE GOING TO RETALIATE IF I KICK THIS WOMAN'S ASS? HELLO? ANYBODY?" She might get scared enough or figure it's a good enough excuse to laughingly move aside.

*Not that I'm a fan of Eddie Murphy.

I find if you just start talking to yourself, or laughing insanely, it keeps people from bothering you. This is a general thing; sometimes that attracts people more.

I remember one night on the subway this guy was like all singing "The Most Beautiful Girl In The World" at us, he was totally drunk and probably homeless by the look of him, it was insane. And we couldn't get out of the car at our stop very easily because a bloody bike boy had parked in front of the door. It was really horrible. I'm glad I don't have to take the subway anymore.

I did once get into a fist fight on the subway, did I ever tell this story?

NO, tell the story. There was this huge fucking guy that looked like a gangsta that sat down right next to us. After the train starts going he screams out at the top of his lungs, "SNAP!" as he claps his hands as loud as he can and he would laugh and act high as a kite for a while then do it again,"mmmm SNAP!" People on the train looked terrified. The very first stop was 57th street and every single person in the car got out at that stop, including us. The one funny part was when the train started really going fast he said, "To the batcave! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!" but the ooooh turned into a very high-pitched squeal as he sat on the seat with his arms and legs outstretched stiff as if he thought he was flying. All I could think is he must be on PCP.

I'd like to hear the fist-fight story.

I once, literally, kicked someone's ass in the subway. Some young punk came up to me, trying to panhandle money. I just ignored him and he started getting really abusive ("Fuck you, you faggot! I oughta kick your faggot ass!"). The subway car had just come along at that moment and the punk turned his back to me to get in. I grabbed him by the shoulders and literally kicked his ass into the subway car. He stumbled all over the place like a fool, and before he could retaliate the subway door slammed shut and the train left, with him giving me the finger and cussing through the window.

Mind you, I'm not a big or physically intimidating guy. And that was when I knew I'd become a New Yorker. :-)

"SNAP!!" Damn, that's so early-Nineties Martin Lawrence.

My freind once hooked up on the subway during rush hour. Weird girl

The receptionist at my work met her husband on the subway.

Anyhow, back when I lived in New Jersey I had to take the 1/9 to work every day. Now, if you've ever been on the 1/9 in the morning you know this but in case you haven't, the 1/9 leads to not one but two high schools at my particular stop. These are the kids I was talking about, the psychotics who'd push into the subway like nutballs, making it so full that you are literally being rubbed up on all sides and the doors can't shut. They're also rude, abusive, and obnoxious. One day this girl is standing in the middle of the doorway in this crowded train. Now, generally, if you are in an extremely crowded train and you can't move out of the way, you step OUT of the train and let other people out, and then get back on at each stop. This is the polite thing to do. This girl, who was a bit, um, large to boot, refused to do this. Not only would she not get out of the way, she started cursing obscenities at people trying to walk around her. Finally she just completely snaps and grabs this girl, who is probably around 13 or 14, and starts screaming in her face and then smacking her, for the curse of having the nerve to, I don't know, brush her arm when she was trying to get around her to get off on her stop. Now I am in an extremely crowded train, as I've said. It is full of teenage boys and also business men, most of which are fairly large people. Not a one of them even says anything. This little girl is getting the shit kicked out of her and they are ignoring it. I'm not going to fucking stand for this, so I start screaming at this girl, "Bitch, what do you think you're doing, why don't you take a fair fight?" So she starts yelling at me. It comes to my stop and we're still shouting so I'm just like fuck it, and walk to the door, and SLAM her out of my way. She instantly comes back up and grabs my arm, to pull the same stunt she did on the little girl. I spin around and just start whaling her in the face with my free hand (she made the mistake of grabbing my left arm, which is completely uncoordinated - word to the wise, if you need to fight me, find a way to immobilize my extremely good right arm, not the left). She lets go of the arm to protect herself and I get free enough to get thru the doors as they close. I had my hand on my mace in case she came out after me. She was screaming through the doors, it was great. I had merely a few bruises on my arm from her grabbing me.

Understandibly I don't tell this story much cos I'm still paranoid that someone will come after me for it.

Ally, I am pleased you did this. I knwo its bad to be violent, but I think you were heroic in this case. Here is some candy as a reward. >o<

Thank you. My boyfriend called me Catwoman after this story (??) and then used it to explain to me how I'd be an excellent mother, which worried me.

I've just reread this story, and damn it's funny.

oh, and for the record, Philadelphians are much ruder than New Yorkers. as i found out this weekend -- or is it that my relatives in Philadelphia are ruder than New Yorkers? Anyway, they should be smacked and smacked hard.

all the time. I just sit on them and dwell and plot and then go spastic at some poor unsuspecting citizen

The stuff on this thread is why I walk home 60 blocks from school every single night instead of getting on a train.

God that must've felt good though.

I love your fists of fury Ally.
A few years ago at the parent's house, a sibling simply wouldn't share the computer while doing internet and games. After waiting a few hours and being ignored I just walked in and unplugged the damn thing. I'm not proud of the next thing that happened, it was the last family fistfight I ever had.

I got beat up by a girl from Dundee last month, just because I asked her for a "high five." ??

Maybe she thought you were one of the Strokes?

Lately I've been imagining what life would be like if I had license to fire a rocket launcher at anyone who annoyed me. My final conclusion is that Boston/Cambridge/Somerville would be a smouldering pile of rubble.

You've only come around to that lately?

The rocket launcher is an upgrade from the shotgun, which was an upgrade from the baseball bat, which was an upgrade from digging out people's eyes with my fingers.

and some think that i need help ...

My sweetly-nurtured psychosis in now way diminishes the fact that you need help, Tad!