At every work training day ever

"We do have A LOT to get through, so if you could all take your seats we'll get started."

"If at any stage there's something you're unsure of or you have any questions, please feel free to ask me"

"All of what I'm saying is in the supplied handouts, so don't feel the need to take it down."

"We'll take a short break for tea/coffee now, if you could all come back in 10 minutes that would be great."

You must be posting from an annual company outing.

"You can follow along on this nifty projector that shows you what I'm doing on my laptop...oh wait...well, it was working this morning. Let me call IT."

"Here's a fun team building exercise with planks of wood and you've got to imagine you're crossing molten lava"

(xpost) got that beat - on one training day everyone arrived, assembled in the big conference suite, the boss gives a little speech, then suddenly the power went out - for the entire town. Everything to be done that day - powerpoint presentations, etc., was on the computers. So people were sitting around for five or six hours until the power came back on. Except the main file server (where all these files were stored) didn't come back one. In fact it was completely screwed and had to be replaced.

"Let's go round the room and introduce ourselves, and tell everyone a fun fact about yourself that your team mates never knew"

"Write your ideas on a post-it note and stick them on the board at the front of the room"

"We'll be doing something fun after lunch"

After lunch you can barely stay awake.

snoball, that has happened at my workplace a few times (ie power failure) and we have been sent home every time. I can't believe they made you stay, that's some bs.

"You got today and today only to show me who and what you're made of. You don't like narcotics, get the fuck out of my car. Go get you a nice, pussy desk job, chasing bad checks or something, you hear me?"

(xpost) They kept thinking that the power would come back on "at any moment". However we did learn that it's no good having a UPS for the server if that UPS is in a storage cupboard and not connected to anything.

"Hello I am here today to make this speech on ... *cough* ... sorry, I'm really nervous about public speaking. Where was I?"

There is always a big plastic bowl that once held a wide variety of soda but is now covered in condensation, holding a bunch of melting ice with four diet root beers floating around in it.

"Now we're going to watch a quick training video which will illustrate those points further" (cue five minutes of randomly pressing buttons on the TV and video because there's no picture on the screen)

stilted argument between two people which ends with long silence and then host trying to pretend agreement was reached

"And now can everyone stand up in order of (your birthday/the number of letters in your name/how much you resemble the boss's favourite pug) and we'll group you in teams of four, give the most illiterate member of your group the marker pens, and we can all do some brainstorming about the (meaning of teamwork / important attributes of customer service / vital qualities for synergising your newly downsized workplace)! And remember, I want to see each team member writing something on their team's pad!"

stilted argument between two people which ends with long silence and then host trying to pretend agreement was reached

haha otm, although at my job this is not limited to training days and is more like "at every meeting ever"

Horrible little triangle sandwiches. And potatoes on sticks.

remember: the big bucks employees all speak in indecipherable three-letter acronyms and engage in boy's club back-slapping over speakerphone during conference calls.

"Let's go round the room and introduce ourselves, and tell everyone a fun fact about yourself that your team mates never knew"

haha wanted to post this one

but the one about two people in a debate is otm too

Boss makes a big thing of how crucial day is and how important that everyone attend, "no exceptions". Disappears midway through first session to do real work instead. Returns five minutes before end of last session. Gives effusive thanks to everyone as if he'd been there all along, gets details all just a little bit wrong.

"Does anyone still need the airconditioning on?"
"Does anyone mind if I put the heating on?"
"Does anyone mind if I turn the heating off?"

you guys have shitty jobs

I can't wait for lunch, and the deli tray. Ham, turkey, or roast beef?

training is delivered by someone in the training or quality assurance department who knows nothing about the actual job and so everything you're told is a complete waste of time and you spend the next month being retrained while doing the job by colleagues telling you you're doing things wrong when you're just doing them how you were told.

egg mayo sandwiches entirely untouched xp

^not if i'm around

Last big work training day thing we had, I was sitting where I could see the laptop that everyone's presentations were on, whereas the presenter (our boss) who was speaking could not. It had done that auto-update thing Windows is always doing, and said it was rebooting in 10, 9, 8, 7... minutes. I also knew that the only person in the room who'd be able to get everything working again if the laptop rebooted was about to leave. Highlight of my day was waiting to see if it would reboot and fuck everything up before the boss stopped talking and the IT person left. This is what I have come to.

Don't leave us hanging

1) Split off into groups to discuss various aspects of SWOT analysis (shudder)
2) bandy around buzzwords until someone whispers 'bullshit bingo' under their breath
3) all re-group to see each group 'present their ideas'. Everyone except one guy will speak too quietly, the one guy booms out their ideas in such a manner that suggests he really believes it will shake up the whole company.

xxpost, what happened?!

"So, what's my background? Well I used to do what you were doing, but training paid better."

Not enough pens

Someone leaves the room, presumably to use the restroom, and comes back 30 minutes later. Everyone in the room secretly wonders if the restroom experience was that intense, or if they were just goofing off in the outside world.

Someone else immediately leaves "to use the restroom"

Not enough pens

...and those pens are from a big box of those cheap crystal Bics that write in a big splodgy mess and run out after ten minutes.

Someone manages to injure themselves with the big stapler that's usually kept in the office manager's desk.

Mr. Wentworth. You're the only one we haven't heard from on this topic. What are your thoughts?

Um - WHAT?

"Everybody fold your arms... Now try folding them, the other way round. See, it's not as easy as it looks"

"Remember, only 7% of communication is in the words we use. Where does the rest come from?"

"Who can name some every day factors that stop us from doing our jobs?"

"Phone calls, interruptions, yes"
* Marks 'INTERRUPTIONS' on flipchart *

"Questions from colleagues, uh huh that's a good one"

"Tiredness, very good. Any more?"

"Emails. Good, what else?"

"Going on the internet - that's a big one. We call these distractions your 'inner chimp'"

"I'm going to get you all to stand up and face each other"

Someone who actually knows more about the topic than the person giving the training and after having found the third or fourth error in the first 10 minutes spends the rest of the day pointing out all the mistakes. (I have been this person.)

"Now before you all go, I'd like you all to fill in these evaluation forms so that we can make this training even better next time."

'Please fill out these evaluation forms or my boss'll have my guts for garters, harharharhar... but seriously, do fill them out'

'Now if you could all read the sentence on the screen':

I LOVE PARIS
IN THE
THE SPRING TIME

"Does everyone agree that it says 'I love Paris in the springtime'? Does everyone agree?"

"Now I'm going to split you up into groups so can you all please remember your numbers: 1234 1234 1234"