ILX: The Board Game

An exciting journey from newb to bitter, angry internet obsessive!
Simply move one space forward and do what you're told.
Enjoy!

LURKER: you have found a random thread via google and are exploring the architecture. spend two turns figuring out that there's more than one thread and trying to figure out what's going on.

FIRST POST: a thread you have something to say on! register and make a comment about Lady Gaga! it'll be fun!

YOU ARE A SOCK! Spend three turns convincing other posters that you are not someone they already know.

YOU ARE LOST! You click on I Rate Everything and while you know getting your MySpace password back would be handy, you'd rather get a free invite to something you've never heard of. Miss a turn while you find four passport photos from separate years for your application

WDYLL IMPOSTER! Post a picture of yourself to the current WDYLL thread and then spend the next two turns convincing other posters that it is really you and not someone off an MTV reality show.

CHANGE YOUR STYLE UP FUCK WASHING A CSS! Spend the next turn trying out different style sheets, only to end up picking either old.css or whatever one looks most like your employer's website.

YOU ARE NED! You chill.

FIRST POST: a thread you have something to say on! register and make a comment about Lady Gaga Dave Matthews Band : Name Your Reasons Why They Are So Bad & Hated.! it'll be fun!

YOU ARE TEMPORARILY BANNED! Spend 30 days (i.e., three turns) tragically missing your internet "friends," drinking more than usual, typing nonsensical rants on the Hipinion forum, then crying yourself to sleep in sorrow.

FIRST BEEF! innocuous post merits a stream of profanity. You try to play hardman back and get badly clowned. spend two turns being crazy pissy IRL and being too ashamed to explain why you're in a bad mood.

PERSPECTIVE! watch someone else get clowned in the same way you were and recognize that it's THE GAME son

how does one "win" this game exactly

if you can get up and walk away

Around 3:40

THREAD DERAILED! You start an earnest, bubbly thread on the latest Pfork-hyped indie band, which turns into a thread full of tired Pfork bashing by a bunch of online music nerds who secretly read Pfork in their spare time. Move back 3 spaces, pay $100 ILX cash to scottpl and lose your turn.

if you can get up and walk away

I staggered back through the internet
and the LOLs blew back my hair
I remember throwing goatses around
and ChatRoulette-ing from my chair

Well WDYLL?
I really wanna know
Tell me WDYLL
'cause I really wanna know

EMBEDDED! All hope is lost as you find yourself ingrained in board discussions and inside joeks. Without reason you begin posting song lyrics to threads that are hardly relevant. Ancient revived threads somehow show your name and (8 years ago). Spend 315789021 turns clicking new answers until the server crashes.

Ha Ned I knew what that would be before I even clicked on it!

"The only way to win is...not to not Ned."

UNSAVORY DETAILS! you thought you were being clever or coy but the instant you put a picture of of yourself (in drag/mooning a cop/getting out of the shower/flipping off the dean), you realized that it would not take sherlock holmes to link your real name, your user name, the image in question and a pink slip. Freak out for two turns until someone tells you about the moderator request forum.

OH NO, YOU'VE LANDED ON A FILM POLL THREAD! Lose one turn wondering why Morbs is so grumpy.

CAUGHT SLACKING AT WORK! An evil IT admin who is jealous of your comparatively better social skills has noticed your frequent visits to ILX and has reported the matter to your manager. Start a thread about it, then miss one turn while waiting for the axe to fall. Or maybe not fall...

ZOUNDS! You've stumbled upon a whirly Lorax go back two pages.

RANDOM THREAD! Discover ILX's rich history -- lose four turns reading old beefs and breakdowns.

EGO MASSAGE WITH UNHAPPY FINISH! Use search function to find out if any posters have mentioned you. If they haven't, sit crying in a corner for two turns. If they have, ruminate about how horrible everyone is being about you!

EXCELSIOR-ED! Some bland post you made was immediately followed by another poster's cheap Christmas Cracker grade pun, which inexplicably got C&P'ed to the current EXCELSIOR thread! Bask in the reflected glory for one turn until you realise that the pun was at your expense!

QUIT! you've quit

BACK! you brought cake

ACCUSED OF BEING FAKE-TUOMAS! Lose three turns while alternatingly justifying your lack of familiarity with the subject you commented on and asking if we're serious.

SEARCH! You find a thread from 2002 that you want to bump why because it look intersting so you add "lol".

MODREQ! People are calling BAN NOOB because you accidentally dug up old drama obliquely alluded to in the thread. You're in trouble now

COINED A MEME! If intentional, move two squares backward. If intentional and it sticks, move two squares forward. If unintentional, lose a turn.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU: You voice an opinion on a thread topic that, unbeknownst to you, a long-time poster is an acknowledged expert on. When they show up and bitchslap you for dilettantism, you snark back an "aw what do you know" and are zing swarmed by people who know you're in over your head. Move five squares backward and get a little frightened by the sense that you read about this in a Shirley Jackson story once.

START A POLL! Sure hope you searched to see if it had been done before -- if it has, go back three spaces, lose a turn AND accept your well-deserved KITN with good grace.

HOOPS! You land in ILH, the chillest board. Unlocks m bison's "psycho crusher" ability.

remember in megaman x how you could unlock ryu's hadouken and kill anything in one shot? that was as cool as finding max's bunny head in lucas arts games

YOUTUBE THREAD! YOU'VE ACCIDENTALLY LANDED IN A THREAD FULL OF YOUTUBE VIDEOS. LOSE TWO TURNS WHILE YOUR COMPUTER CRASHES.

RANDOM C&P ACCIDENT! While posting to ILX from work, you accidentally c&p part of a report. Everyone else loses two turns while they work out if this is some obscure reference to the thread topic.

WASTED! You start a silly thread with animated .gifs and somehow end up puking your guts out in the kitchen sink at 3am with half finished .psd's all over your desktop! Your whole house reeks of weed and no one has emailed or called in over a month. Go back 4 spaces and take a shower, you're pathetic.

YOU ARE BIMBLE! You spend the next 2 turns reviving alternately popular and obscure '80s post-punk/new wave and PJ Harvey threads, declaring your love for the artists IN ALL CAPS and wondering aloud whether anyone else feels the same way.

O_o

AD HOMINEM! Your direct ribbing/spearing of a fellow poster confuses most, annoys a few and amuses only you. Roll a die: if 1-3, continue trolling as per normal; if 4-5, begin following poster from thread to thread and directly harassing them; if 6, tempbanned.

COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD! Your overall point is lost completely while a syntax error draws all attention. Roll a die: if 1-2, you are racist; if 3-4, rockist; if 5, trolling; if 6, tempbanned. If tempbanned, become an alcoholic.

CLUSTERFUCK! Roll 6 to continue. If you fail to roll a 6 you must miss a turn whilst another poster repeats the same banal point made 10 posts upthread, but with a quote from Zizek attached.

FRIENDS? You get a Facebook friend request from someone whose name you don't recognize. All your common friends are ILXORS. You must know them, right? Lose your turn until you figure out if they are that one guy who is always so funny on fried food threads or that idiot who pissed you off on some interminable thread about abortion or the death penalty or something.

FAP!? Just remember to synchronize back-stories. You wouldn't want to say you met on the internet, right? Right?

TRANSATLANTIC: You spark a war about racism between Britishes and Americaners after a misplaced comment about pineapple pizzas. You're just about to add that you didn't tip the server when your computer crashes. Miss two turns.

ROLL FOR INITIATIVE! Except that you don't have any IRL anyway, so whatever the die roll, miss a turn and/or get jumped by some trolls.

SUNNY SUNDAY AFTERNOON: in times past you'd be going down the pub, or relaxing in the park, or watching a film on TV, or putting up those shelves you've been meaning to do for ages. But not any more. Now you're sitting in front of your computer on your own, pressing F5 wishing more people were on ILX at this time of day.

^^^ Miss two turns and then start cursing when you realise that it's early evening.

Ouch :(

(it's worse than that, I'm sitting here pressing F5 while also pretending to do the work project which is due tomorrow and I haven't got done while actually in work because I was too busy reading ILX)

ZING TOUCH: You install this on your nice, new, long awaited Ipod and are horrified to find yourself waking up in the morning, rolling over, and almost immediately pulling it out so that you can catch up. Miss a turn as you post lots of thread-killing content-free one-line posts.

UK SNOW DAY: everyone is snowed in and has the day off school/work/whatever. Miss 2 turns while trying to one-up everyone else with snarky zings and pseudo-intellectual humour!

MODERATION: Promise yourself it's time to start cutting back on ILX time. Don't view new posts for 24 hours. Lose three turns getting caught up.

PIE CHART: Keep a log of how you spend your time. Completely lose your shit (4 turns) when you make a pie chart and realise that nearly a quarter of your waking existence is spent on ILX.

EMBARRASSMENT: you happen upon an early post of yours extolling the virtues of a long since forgotten pitchfork buzzband in teen girl on aderall style prose. lose 2 turns hoping thread falls off site new answers w/o anyone pwning u. lose 10 turns creating new login when it turns out yr post is also vaguely racist and is subsequently quoted on the o_O thread.

SCORE: you have a hot chick waiting for you in your bed. spend next 5 turns writing on ilx. 1 turn trying to wake up hot chick for hot lovin'

BEATLES: you go to starbucks for a frap and hear "a day in the life" as you hand over your $4.79 to the cashier. lose 1 turn posting to 77 thread, lose 77 turns getting caught up in the latest whiney/aerosmith argument.

REALITY: Realise in despair that you're the only person regularly posting to a thread about a particular reality TV show. Wonder WTF you are doing with your life for 1 turn.

OTM (DUBIOUS): A poster whom you sense most others either universally loath or only tolerate b/c they are a bit wacked-out enthusiastically chimes to agree with what you were confident was a well-reasoned, nuanced opinion of the new Johnny Depp film/Ciara record/mayonnaise product that you offered. Move forward one space, but lose two turns.

OTM (SOLID): A venerable poster celebrated for their Socrates-like wisdom gives your post on the new Kate Winslet film/Morrissey record/4 LOKO product a hearty, all-caps OTM endorsement. Move forward nine spaces.

OTM

uh, thanks!

goddamnit...

ha ha you lose two turns

OH SHIT...: suddenly you realise that the work you were supposed to have prepared for tomorrow hasn't been done because you've been pressing F5 on Site New Answers. Roll a die: if 1-3, pull an all-nighter, otherwise pray that you can sling something together tomorrow morning

THREAD D.O.A.: You start a poll on "What is the best food item to buy at IKEA?" which is responded to with "Already been done!" or "Please stop making polls already" or a non sequitur from a poster you've never heard of followed by a brief image-bombing that you can't help feel is insulting and possibly even vaguely threatening. Lose four turns.

CLOAK OF INVISIBILITY: you write out a lengthy response to a previous post which you consider thoughtful and lucid, but no one replies and then two posts later, another poster says the exact same thing as you and is OTMed and ^^^^^'ed. lose one turn, though ground may be made up when the cloak is donned by another player.

ACCIDENTAL RACISM! You use a word that has no racial connotation whatsoever but happens to be horribly offensive in the US. Miss one turn for every month that passes until someone bothers to tell you 'oh btw that word you used last year is racist in America, that's why you got cockpunched in that thread'.

Thread needs to go in the FAQ.

LJ AVALANCHE: Temporarily overcome by Louis' ebullience you purchase/download/borrow Sing To God Parts 1 & 2 and listen to the whole mess even though you'd much rather be listening to Janelle Monáe/Mice Parade/Yes/Junior Boys/Blue Oyster Cult etc:

REVERSE LJ AVALANCHE: Lose three turns while LJ liveblogs the album you told him about.

LIET MOTIF: lose a turn when you suddenly realise that you are so far 'into the pudding' that you have a theme tune that automatically plays in your mind whenever you read a certain ILXor's posts. LJ = 10cc's 'I Don't Like Cricket', KBP = 'Theme from Batman', etc.. Roll a die. 6 = you realise this is stupid and are slightly embarrassed, move ahead one space. 1-5 = you lose a turn while starting a new thread titled 'Suggest Musical Themes For Different ILXors'.

BRIT SPUN: Lose a turn using google/urban dictionary to decipher UK slang; move two steps ahead the next time you are confronted by lines like "into the pudding" and are no longer ???????

WEREWOLF: You wake up and see a post you have no memory of ever making, go back two spaces. If the post gets excelsiored, lose a turn.

INVISIBLE POSTING UNDERWEAR: You submit a lengthy response to a post upthread which you are convinced is well-considered and hilarious to boot, but not a soul responds. Four posts later, some other poster writes the SAME EXACT THING as you and is celebrated with endless kudos and OTM's. Lose one turn, though ground may be made up when the same underwear is worn by another player.

^^^OTM

INVISIBLE POSING POUCH: Spend two turns scrubbing your brain clean as that pic of a bearded Finn pops into your mind unbidden.

NOSTALGIA!: Miss a turn while you re-read old ILX threads that you've posted on.

STEADY MODDIN': Lose three turns trying to fix a post before realizing that you're using brackets and not greater than/less than signs on the HTML

ON IPHONE: You are using Zing Touch and the scre

ss three turns.

ZING TOUCH PART TWO: You spend fifteen minutes typing in the greatest post in ILX history--smart, funny, whatever--and just before you post, your big clumsy fingers brush against the button with the trash can on it and it's gone. Lose two turns and the last bits of your sanity.

Shake to undo, it brings it back!

YOU'RE A VAIN ASSHOLE! You did an ILX search for your username to see if anyone mentioned you. WTF man! Go back to the beginning of the board, and from now on you can only move on rolls of 5 or higher.

Oh damn, that's the bloodsport version.

LYFE, MAN: You post a pithy encapsulation of existential ennui, or maybe just some drunk whining. Lose a turn while you read the post over to yourself to admire your turn of phrase, then check the excelsior thread, then the "posts which effortlessly summarize ILX" thread, then weep for your unnoticed genius; move back two spaces before your next move as you nurse a hangover and hope nobody saw the post in question.

UNCOMPREHENSIVE: You check out ILX to see if the awesome film you just saw has a thread. It doesn't. Move back 1 space for the time you wasted and the trust you misplaced.

Your overall point is lost completely while a syntax error draws all attention

lolol

Shake to undo, it brings it back!

I didn't know that. Thank you for telling me.

Ancient revived threads somehow show your name and (8 years ago).

damn...