BAR ADMIN LOG: ROLLING "ANNOYING SHITFACED DUDE THAT WAS AT THE BAR AND INSISTED ON TALKING TO US/ME" TESTIMONIAL AND ORAL HISTORY THREAD

CASE DATA: CHEROKEE SIRLOIN ROOM AND TAVERN, UPSCALE BREWPUB AND STEAKHOUSE, W ST PAUL, MN.

your name was bill. you have two assumedly long suffering children and one poor undeserving wife. you own a body shop and can "totally fix any shit that gets fucked up" on my car, but you couldn't remember the shops name, despite the fact that i didnt ask and you tried. after stumbling into a chair at our table, your first theory was that K's brother and i were "homos", and when we said yes in an attempt to make you uncomfortable, you segued into talking about PBR and tried to squeeze your olive into your martini from three feet above and one foot to the left of your glass. it didnt work, but you seemed pleased. when we went outside to smoke, you followed us and asked if we were "master race". we respond no, and tell you to go smoke wherever is not here. you have a friend that is kind of a nazi, so its cool if we are. umbrage is taken, we are informed that "we dont even know who you are" and we agree. back inside, you stumble up and apologize. K's brother is lucky to have a friend that he is so comfortable with because you had a friend once and he died. you offer to buy as a drink and we decline. rebuffed, you ask the semi-catatonic whiskied up lady at the end of the bar to dance, despite the complete lack of music, and she has the composure to say no.

this would be a good time to sleep with your face on a table. which you do. bartender comes over and calls your wife on your phone. she arrives, and looks a lot like a lady that has been stuck married to bill for a long time. you welcome her by waking up enough to make the finger poking through hole made by thumb and forefinger on the other hand gesture, because you love her. you make a lunging arm wave towards our table to indicate the "master race homos" that were mean to you. bartender attempts to collect your tab, but you are too drunk, so your wife signs your name and does the math for you. you pinball your way through the bar, and vanish into the back exit. ten minutes later when we assume the coast is clear, we exit. you are leaning against a wall with your face, demanding chicken. when your wife says there is chicken at home, you inform her that "I DONT WANT HOUSE CHICKEN I WANT THIS PLACE CHICKEN!" a second passes, and you clarify with "OUTSIDE CHICKEN, NOT HOUSE!"

godspeed bill, godspeed. may you find the outside chicken that will bring you happiness.

"upscale"?

RIP house chicken

hey upscale for my neighborhood

immediate hall of fame induction for opening post imo

also, plz change "I Love Everything" to "I Love Outside Chicken" w/board description "master race homos"

john justen u have made my night and i thank u and i thank bill

would immediately trust any hospital that claimed it could "totally fix any shit that gets fucked up"

Ahahaha A++++ story jj :D

Not A++++ dude though. His poor wife.

amazing story

His poor wife.

― Gay nineties icecream party (Trayce), Tuesday, April 6, 2010 1:35 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark

yeah if it weren't for this detail of the story picture me lollin

as it is, his poor wife :(

http://sshomestead.com/wp-content/uploads/house_chicken.jpg

okay so maybe I should move back to MN because given the master race segue, dude likely wouldn't have talked to you had I been there

... or he would have waved a knife in my wife's face, seems like a 50-50 proposition whenever we spend time together

have decided to coin the phrase "all billed up" for terrible drinking behavior

hero thread is heroic

immediate hall of fame induction for opening post imo

Yes.

I cannot even slightly beat that but:

Over a decade back two friends and I were sitting around a vaguely California cuisine demi-upscale eatery near UC Irvine, now since departed. It was Cinco de Mayo and we had decided to avoid any place even slightly Mexican cuisine themed, thus this spot; we were sitting in an enclosed area just outside the building itself. A table over was some guy in his late forties or so with a surf shirt who apparently did marketing at some spot like Oakley or Billabong or whatever, and somehow this guy ended up at our table, can't recall why. Definitely three sheets to the wind. A sample of his conversation, with appropriate pauses as we observed him:

"So, gentlemen...cigarette?

...

Thank you, yes, thank you.

...

Life's like a motherfucker, life's like a motherfucker.

...

Tits."

We took this under advisement. After we escaped his presence, we learned from someone who worked there that he attempted to avoid paying his bill by trying to vault over an outside wall.

He was right, though. Life IS like a motherfucker, and furthermore, tits.

wasn't at a bar, but was bowling with friends when I was like 18 or 19 and there were lots of young kids in the lanes next to us, this guy who is totally looking either stoned, drunk, or daffy walks into the place, and winks at me and my friend. he says a bunch of unintelligible stuff to us, and we just kind of ignored him and went back to bowling.

5 minutes later, he starts asking in slurred words if one of the employees was new. Apparently he had a vendetta against employees who didn't have tenure as he then grabbed the guy he was talking about and started trying to put him in a sleeper hold (although given how fucked up he was, he looked a bit like a monkey trying to fuck a football). The employee, more stunned than anything, just kinda sat there and took it, and the cops (whose station, incidentally, was located 0.75 miles away) came in and started macing him when he resisted arrest.

He wouldn't go down, so this lady cop starts beating his ass repeatedly with a baton and he's shouting random shit about his mother and calling people motherfuckers. All of this is happening in front of a bunch of 9-10 year old kids who are watching in shock and awe. That was much better than the bowling - I couldn't pick up a 7-10 split to save my life

OUTSIDE CHICKEN is some classic shit

west st paul is another world!

i should got there more often.

also, plz change "I Love Everything" to "I Love Outside Chicken" w/board description "master race homos"

repeating this request

outside chicken's truth must not be suppressed

amazing stuff.

best shit I've read in a while

this would be a good time to sleep with your face on a table. which you do.

fwiw this is the moment where story goes from 'very good' to 'flaming awesome'. later on it becomes 'all-time yoga chicken'.

who among us does not love outside chicken?

anyone loved inside one?

inside chicken is fascist bullshit iirc

inside chicken uber alles

if you grew up with inside chicken, i can understand liking it, but yeah for the most part, it's bullshit.

i uh meant.... love inside a chicken

outside chicken

huge lol

I have been known to break vegan for Outside Chicken.

jjjusten, why haven't you started a rolling "mistaken for a Nazi" thread yet

or, alternatively, gotten rid of the hitler moustache

Inside a chicken it's too dark to sleep with your face on a table.

and noone can hear you scream I DON'T WANT HOUSE CHICKEN I WANT THIS PLACE CHICKEN

btw if I have not recorded a bangin' dance choon featuring the slogan "I DON'T WANT HOUSE CHICKEN I WANT THIS PLACE CHICKEN" by the end of this month, plz yell at me for slacking

end of the month? gtfo

give me a break, I have to memorize a bazillion Irving Berlin songs for a show next week

took u less than a minute to respond to that post, just sayin

how hard is it to write a song called I DON'T WANT HOUSE CHICKEN I WANT THIS PLACE CHICKEN

i have an old drunk clown (literal) story, but it was a 2 AM embers experience so i dont know if it really fits the spirit of the thread.

if u were a teenager at the time, then 2 am Embers = bar.

Also i will now use 'House Chicken' in place of 'weak sauce' or 'meh'.

west saint paul is a city of riches for this

so

it is karaoke night at the local, and there is a group of women that are all drinking cosmos at the table next to k and i, and they keep yipping and yapping and at one point one of them says "no i am miranda" "oh shut up i am totally miranda" (is that the sex in the city lady name? i just assume so) and they keep dancing towards the DEADLY SERIOUS KARAOKE CREW many of which to be fair are kind of awesome at doing what they do, but they are scary motherfuckers, this is their life and all. so, most of them are doing the "ok well you are excited and probably fucking wasted so" reaction to these idiots, but eventually a lady (older, lumpy, tonights her night and her balding beau is looking on all moon eyed and excited) launches into nights in white satin and she is to be fair KICKING ASS and all of sudden one of these ladies is up there doing her best hilarious hippie imitation, arms flailing about and whatever, and singer completes the "AND I LOVE YOU, YES I LOVE YOU OHHHHHHH HOW I LOOOOOVVVVEE YOOOOOOOOO" line, and without a pause turns away from the mic (not enough, pro audio is tough heads up yall) and says "bitch if you bump into me one more time i will fucking stab you NIGHTS IN WHITE SAAAAHTINN NEVER REASHING THE END"

fastest bar tab settlement ever

Ask not who the annoyance at the bar is. The annoyance is thee.

Taking karaoke seriously is grounds for a stabbing. Interrupting people who take karaoke that seriously is grounds for buying them drinks for the rest of the night.

I'm really adding nothing here, am I?

house chicken booty

SPOOKY PREMONITIONING

hahaha this thread revive delivers. Thanks for sharing while the sweet memories are fresh jjj.

"bitch if you bump into me one more time i will fucking stab you NIGHTS IN WHITE SAAAAHTINN NEVER REASHING THE END"

Seriously lost my shit at this.

Now that's a pro. Ha!!! Also props on excellent storytelling there, jj.

lol!

outside chicken uber alles

thank you hoos for bumping this hitherto-by-me unexplored gem

"outside chicken" has become verbal shorthand in our house for "the thing I don't want"

like a monkey trying to fuck a football

btw if I have not recorded a bangin' dance choon featuring the slogan "I DON'T WANT HOUSE CHICKEN I WANT THIS PLACE CHICKEN" by the end of this month, plz yell at me for slacking

― Wood shavings! Laughing out loud! (HI DERE), Thursday, April 8, 2010 3:01 PM (1 year ago)

lol

gotta make sure we get the full 2-octave mid-tune pitch-down effect on THIS. PLACE. CHICKEN just before the beat drops back in at earth-shattering volume

remix by the KLFC

Hey, no one yelled at me

HEY FUCKER DO THAT THING

hows that work for you

an undercelebrated part of the original post is

she arrives, and looks a lot like a lady that has been stuck married to bill for a long time. you welcome her by waking up enough to make the finger poking through hole made by thumb and forefinger on the other hand gesture, because you love her.

I now have an idea and a theme for IMM song challenge (week 4)