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The Ultimate Rotten TV Series

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If you could put together the ULTIMATE TV SERIES BOMB (a bit like if the guys in "The Producers" set out to do a flop on TV instead of theatre), what would it be like?

In drunken discussion down the pub last night, we chose the first two stars: David Caruso and Shelley Long. We also think there should be a chimp (the show's a drama, by the way). Beyond that, we're looking for ideas. Any suggestions?

― C J, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

MY TWO DADS: UNCUT

― mark s, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"Hi, I'm Greg Evigan, star of TV's My Two Dads. Apparently, I was also in Tekwar and something with a chimp. Or a bear. I forget."

― Dom Passantino, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

it should be set in a trendy cafe. lots of odd characters could come and go. there could be a health and safety officer who is always trying to catch the chimp! (okay I stole this idea from Bodger and Badger).

the attic could be haunted by the ghost of a baker killed in the fire of London, except it's not set in London, but no one works that out.

― jel --, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

is that the same breadmaker nicole had the argt about?

WHAT IS BODGER AND BADGER!!

― mark s, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

there should be some twins who finish one another's sentences.

― rainy, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

twin chimps maybe

― rainy, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Shelley Long's best friends have to include another woman her age who sleeps with hundreds of men, and a cute, camp, non-threatening gay guy who never actually so much as kisses any other men. David Caruso must be a father figure to some unruly but basically sweet 14 year old boy. Obviously it's best if he's black.

― Martin Skidmore, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Shelley Long should wear pearls and cardigans, but then at one point she could get saucy and maybe wear a (tasteful) red halter top.

― rainy, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Bodger and Badger
Season One (1989)...

ep 1.07 The Robot
A salesman persuades Mr Troff to buy a Shove-a-Chef robot to replace Simon as Chef at the Nosherama. guest starring Robin Sneller (Rodney); Jim Bywater (Shorty)
1.08 The Final Episode
Bodger and Badger are left in charge of the restaurant, but things don't quite go according to plan. It looks like more mayhem with mashed potato is in store...

...MERCHANDISE:
No merchandise known.

― mark s, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

rainy's twins idea shd be triplets, but they are not only non-identical, they are completely difft genders and generations!! they finish each other's ideas in a complex andrews-sisters type close harmony

― mark s, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

who are shelly long and david caruso?

It should be set in miami. and be like, full of innuendo.

― jel --, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Well i think you guys are jerks for even going there on the Shelly Long tip. She is a fine actress. One of the very beast.

― Karl J Kretzschmar, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

the eyeshadow should be thickly applied

― rainy, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Scott Baio should be in it.

― Nancy Drew, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

All press releases should read "Bigger than Big Brother".

― Graham, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

WHAT? NO ALAN THICKE?

― Michael Daddino, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

And where's the sassy housekeeper or maid?

― Nicole, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Preferably from another country with a comical yet lovable accent.

One of the very beast.

Satan does get around.

― Ned Raggett, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

It was always my dream to make a high school undercover cop show staring Biz Marke and Mike Tyson. It'd called "Talking Trash". The DVD would have a suptitle option.

There would be many food fights and special guests.

― Chief White Lotus, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Haha, Michael Daddino, you took the words right out of my mouth!

― felicity, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Since Turkey is usually one of the final resting homes for all authentic TV Bombs, maybe each scene's dramatic tension is heightened and climaxed with the entrance of a Whirling Dervish threesome and manic Anatolian music to match.

The dancers themselves will be known as Ümer, Mehmet & Bob.

― C J, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

k-bob

― mark s, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

call the dog tapanga.

― keith, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

and the dog should have audible "thoughts"

― felicity, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

and the dog should have audible "thoughts"

Either the dog or the baby. Or both.

― Michael Daddino, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Some scenes should be set in 'The Peach Pit' from Beverly Hills, 90210, and the wag who owned it, Nat, should be working there, dispensing beverages and sage, mature advice.

― Nancy Drew, Sunday, 7 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

But it should be a cheap imitation, like 'The Apple Core,' to keep clearance costs low.

― felicity, Monday, 8 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

One of child actors should go through puberty in between seasons, not only marring the program's conitnuity, but turning said actor into an awkward, gawky, voice cracking, self-conscious mess.

Also: Bob Uecker.

― bnw, Monday, 8 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Hey, no talking bad about Bob ("Just a bit outside") Ueker! The guy's a classic.

― felicity, Monday, 8 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

The ultimate TV sitcom bomb. Well that's easy. 8:30 on BBC (since ITV don't even bother these days), based around a dysfunctional family starring people who were recently in equally unsuccessful sitcoms and an ex-soap star.

So coming soon starring the recently out of work Mark Fowler and Lesley Dunlop (of May to December) as two parents who had three kids young who are now facing up to having troubling teenagers in their mid-thirties whilst still feeling like kids themselves. The eighteen year old has moved out but "keeps coming back" (cue Dad sarcastically pulling out his hair) and a cute six year old girl who can only say the names of fruits.

Also see My Family, The Savages and that one with Jasper Carrot & Meera Syal

― Pete, Monday, 8 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I point the collective click towards tvgohome.com for TV programme ideas.

― Lynskey, Monday, 8 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

you shd point them here

― mark s, Monday, 8 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

It's a Paedophile Knockout.

Shown at 5.30pm every weeknight, on C5 (but repeated on ITV at 11pm so the other 95% of the country get to see it) and presented by Suggs, an audience of 9-14 year olds are fed sugary snacks while an old man in a grey overcoat parades before them, occasionally exposing himself to them and chuckling worryingly and asking one if he/she would either like a sticky sweetie or to see his puppies.

In the background, Nicky Campbell is seen presiding over The Wheel of (Ultimate) Misfortune. Each segment of the wheel has the name of one of the children in the audience.

A buzzer sounds and a parade of naked dwarves drag the winning child from its place in the audience to a glass tank at the back of the stage where Rosemary West sits dressed as a judge, jury and executioner...

Anyone want to take over? I reckon I'm onto a winner here...

― dr daif, Monday, 8 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I do think there should be some sort of reference to Mike Reid and his "runaround" days in there somewhere tho.

― em, Monday, 8 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I was going to answer this, but nothing I write could compare to the sheer perfection of that first post by Mark S.

― Dan Perry, Monday, 8 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Hi, I'm Greg Evigan, star of TV's My Two Dads. Apparently, I was also in Tekwar and something with a chimp. Or a bear. I forget."

ohhhhh where is that from?

worst tv show= my hero with that ardal o'hanlon. pure cack. the prob with all yr ideas is that they are so wacky they will be hits did u not notice the producers ref in the title HAVE THE LESSONS NOT BEEN LEARNT? hmm borges sez: "perhaps this too was forseen". my hero is the pinnacle just cos it is too mediocre to enjoy in any way, deflecting even mighty irony

― Bob Zemko, Monday, 8 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"My Two Dads: UNCUT" would be too raunchy for mainstream television, though.

― Dan Perry, Monday, 8 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

BJ and the Bear. The whole "Hi, I'm Greg Evigan" pisstake thing was Lee & Herring's "When Insects Attack" on Fist of Fun (or it might have been Good Morning with Richard not Judy - who can really say?)

― dr daif, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i think "Heil Honey I'm Home" should be re-made. the bit i saw on one of those "tv hell" clip shows looked absolute class.

― Alan Trewartha, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Tom's ignorance of Greg Evigan seems all the more baffling.

― Nicole, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

is that a VERY old in-joke? (or is it just a deja vu sort o thing i'm getting)

― Alan Trewartha, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I said something about beards in relation to Greg Evigan, and Tom claimed HE HAD NEVER HEARD OF GREG EVIGAN. It was all on ile, so it's not really an in-joke thing -- just can't remember what thread this was from or I'd link it.

― Nicole, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Did he not get who he was when you mentioned My Two Dads tho?

― RickyT, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Don't remember, I just remember being incredulous at NOT KNOWING WHO GREG EVIGAN IS.

That's just one of those things people should know, like basic math or who their local politician is.

― Nicole, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

also tom is a Lee'n'herring hata, which goes some way to explaining it.

― Alan Trewartha, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I didn't know who he was either.

― RickyT, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

PHILISTINE!

― Nicole Evigan, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

So THAT'S who you got married to.

― RickyT, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

A marriage founded on sit-coms can never go wrong.

― Nicole, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Yes, but the downside is you'll have a baby next year around May who a year after that will somehow already be a six-year-old cracking sex jokes.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

In what way is that a downside, Ned?

― Martin Skidmore, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Depends on the quality of the accompanying laugh track.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Plus the child will be played by Raven Symone.

― Dan Perry, Tuesday, 9 July 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)


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