asshole moves you pulled as a kid

When I was a kid I hated drunk people with what some might call an unnatural degree of obsessive zeal. As you can imagine New Years Eve was my most dreaded night of the year. My mother would always give me permission to stay up past midnight but by New years eve day I would be so tensed up about the approaching party that, seemingly out of nowhere, Id scream at her. 'I AM GOING TO BED AT 9PM AND I WILL NOT STAY UP UNTIL MIDNIGHT!!!!!'. 'Good!' she would say. My usual bedtime was 11.
So my mom would throw a party most years and of course all the adults would get wasted and end up in our pool naked well before the ringing in of the new year. I would lay in bed seething, listening to their ridiculous slurred dialogue, waiting wide awake until the guests were gone and I could start to make out silhouettes of the objects in my room from the rising sun. At this point I would get up, get dressed, grab my bike and a whistle. For the next few hours I would and ride around the neighborhood blowing that whistle as hard and loud as I could hoping that I was causing writhing hangover pain for someone, if only for a moment.

Once I watched my mother accidentally run her car over my stepfathers foot. My delight at witnessing this event and his appropriate reaction would be akin to say finding $100K in a brown paper bag on the street when your dead broke. When I evoke the memory I still feel this to some degree. Its like my happy place.

Me and my friend Mike used to cruise around my neighborhood on our bikes and do FRUIT BOMBINGS, that is, throwing overripe fruit picked off a neighbor's lawn (I don't know exactly what kind of fruit, I'm remembering it as gross, slimy, and inedible) into the windows of cars whose stupid owners had left them rolled down, splattering them on the dashboards. It wasn't until I was old enough to have my own car that I realized what dicks we had been.

<3 sunny successor

When we graduated from lol 8th grade , my friend Marcos's parents took Mike and I with them on a trip to lol Vegas. Marcos was a chubby kid whose parents would restrict his soda intake and make him drink diet soda despite the fact that they were also obese and all generally ate pretty terribly and indulgently. Mike and I, of course, made fun of him about it. The 3 of us boys were walking past a vending machine and Marcos tried to get a regular Coke, I said, get a diet one, fatass and wrestled him away from the machine (I was and am a little dude) and hit the diet coke button once his last dollar was in the machine. He was pissed, refusing to talk to me or to drink the diet coke.

first dance of 6th grade, had the dj put on en vogue's 'never gonna get it' with a dedication from me to a girl who had been putting the courtship on. got slapped a week or so after under the pier iirc. we later became close friends.

that's not an asshole move. Whitey on the Moon, on the other hand, yikes.

once i got dropped off at the mall with my friend Ch4d P3lt0n and my mom gave me $5, saying that I should buy Ch4d whatever tape he wanted at the record store. so we went to the record store, and somehow "buying Ch4d a tape" turned into "me buying Who's Next for myself".

Found a tape of a "band practice" from 1991 or so. My best friend had managed to wrangle a reel-to-reel recorder and we were going to record our demo. Anyway, I was listening to a cassette copy.of it.and heard the following putrid shit fall out of my.mouth: "I'm a musician and you're not." He had been playng bass for abot two months. I'd been playing guitar for a little over a year.

By the way Sunny, I think your first story is completely righteous. There is nothing asshole about it. Once you have kids, it's ridiculously irresponsible to throw those kind of parties.

in about seventh grade, there was a new kid in class whose last name was sh3lm1r3. it was pronounced 'shell-mire' as in 'mired in muck' but we all called him 'shell-mer.' whenever he entered the class, my friend and I would call his name in a long, drawn out manner that you might do at a baseball game to the most hated player on the other team. sometimes we got the whole class to join in: sheeeeeeelllllllmeeeeeer.

in retrospect, very shitty. :(

Once you have kids, it's ridiculously irresponsible to throw those kind of parties.

gotta teach them somehow

In primary school once, during sports, I got irrationally pissed off at this girl I didnt even really know. Her name was V1cky Hore. I snapped at her "well you live up to your last name DONT YOU".

The only person who reacted was the teacher, who admonished me. I didnt even know what a whore was, I just knew it was a nasty thing to say to another 10 year old kid. I felt secretly pleased with myself.

I still feel absolutely zero guilt or regret at taking repeated advantage of the dire plumbing situ in my dad's house to scald his evil, fat wife while she showered. My sister and I would take turns flushing the toilet and 'forgetting' what would happen if she was in the shower while we did this.

Haha awesome.

gotta teach them somehow

― on some kinda serial killer ish (sic), Wednesday, June 9, 2010 6:32 AM (49 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Yah, that should be by letting them watch a lot of TV and seeing people that are totally unlike their parents getting nude and rude in the pool. ; )

I stuck a sewing needle in Grant Cowie's football and I still have no idea why

There was this real jackass of a kid who was a regular at my summer camp and I always had sort of a thing against him because on my first day there he brought nunchucks and accidentally hit me in the eye with them. Anyway, so one year he brought a CD boombox - this being the early 90s when they were a new thing and certainly not a regular accessory for a 7th grader at church camp. About 2 weeks into camp, the kid was getting on my nerves about something so when he wasn't looking, I popped the lid on that sucker and rubbed my dirty finger across the lens.

When I was very young (maybe 3 or 4) I thought I'd see what would happen if I turned my lunch of fish fingers and beans upside down on the table as soon as it had been put in front of me.

Result of this experiment: I got a severe bollocking.

At night, my sister and I sometimes played around in the upstairs hallway after bedtime. My parents stayed downstairs in the evenings, and sometimes E and I could squeeze in ten or fifteen minutes of goof-off time before dropping to bed. Our judgement was pretty bad: we were kids, we were tired, we were unsupervised, we were already breaking the rules. Often we ended up fighting. One such evening when we were ten or eleven, E grinned at me and launched herself from the other end of the hall to the corner where I was trying to climb a doorframe. Without warning or provocation or malice, she kicked me in the balls as hard as she could. It was as if a puffer-fish had rapidly expanded between my legs! I curled on the floor gasping, locked my knees into my stomach, and tried not to puke. E seemed briefly concerned, but then delighted. Angry and hurt, I reached up and flicked E in the crotch as retaliation. Not hard at all. Just in a 'you jerk, get out of my face' kind of way. My sister, unhurt, looked down at me glowering. How dare I...

And then she seated herself primly on the floor, grabbed between her legs, snickered at me, and yelled "MOOOOOOM! He just beat me up!" and began the phony crying.

I was grounded for a week.

My sister and I convinced my brother that he should sniff some white pepper out of my hand to see if it would make him sneeze. ( lured by such propaganda as "it won't do anything" and "it doesn't really make you sneeze")

My brother was very soon sneezing up a storm, tears streaming down his face, and Mum wondering WTF was wrong with him.

When i was in 5th or 6th grade I tripped a girl in the special needs class on the playground. It is something I really feel bad about, even today, almost 30 years later. A total asshole move.

remy's story should really be in the World Cup anticipation thread, amirite

Oh man, all my siblings and I did was pull asshole moves on each other.

I've posted my favorite before:

Around the time of the Lewinsky case, I told my mom & dad my brother (two years younger than me) had a huge thing for Monica Lewinsky. I'd placed a whole bunch of pictures of her in his underwear drawer and showed my parents. They lectured him about having no self-respect and hinted he shouldn't be masturbating to photos of anyone, but her in particular.
-- Abbott, Friday, July 27, 2007 6:14 PM

Holy shit! that must've been in retaliation for something?!

eating ice cream in the backyard one summer, my dog kept following me around, wanting me to share. i found a dried pile of his shit, and wondered if he'd still want the ice cream if i dripped some on the shit. turns out he did.

during camp one summer around 7th/ 8th grade i peed in this one (pretty obnoxious, tbh) kid's drawer. i had sorta been cheered on by some cool, older kids. but i felt so sick and terrible about it the whole week i could hardly eat. nor could I muster the nerve to confess or apologize to the guy, even though it probably got back to him. still get pangs of guilt.

xpost
cats eat boogers, ice cream or not

..."boogers" is a word for shit over there?

We used to tie a length of cotton to a door knocker and pull it from across the street in some bushes or something, hilarious to see people just shut the door after opening it for it to knock again and stand there scratching their angry head. I really don't know how i managed to not wet myself.

Also, same black cotton across the road so people would walk into it and freak out (i'm laughing now as i type).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u0Xnhmq6ZQ

someone start a thread about asshole moves youtube did as a company so i can talk about embedding disabled by request

cats eat earwax too btw, they think it's meat

i never did this, but did anyone here as a youth do poo dollar? (putting poo on a dollar and leaving it on the street, watching from a distance as people are punished for their greed)

In thee 1980s every Britisher school's obligatory BBC Micros came equipped with "Logo", software allowing you to draw pictures by typing in a series of commands like LEFT 90 FORWARD 20 REPEAT 3 etc.

Anyway, walking down the corridor past one of these computers I overheard some older girls proudly agreeing it was time to look for a teacher to show their pretty intricate picture and get it printed. For some reason in their absence I decided I would ruin it by typing FORWARD 6000. Being at an angle, the cursor would wrap at the screen edges and draw lines all over their art.

Logo had no undo function. If it had a save function, we weren't told it.

I still feel bad abt this at random intervals. Sorry older girls, whoever you were.

At some cubscout thing, in a classroom, me and another kid had to hold up the USA flag and I purposely held the flag down so it would touch the ground. I got scolded afterwards

I was driving a golfcart around an old folks community with my grampa and I purposely drove over some people's lawns. I got scolded afterwards

I was a new transfer to a school in 3rd grade. At recess some girl liked me or something because only she would chase me around. I didn't want to be chased. When I was going up the stairs of one of the playground sets, I kicked backwards without looking and apparently wacked the girl in the crotch. I got scolded quickly afterwards (and avoided the girl for the rest of the year)

suggest scold

Well CaptainLorax, i hope you've learnt your lesson?

I went to see Ted Nugent at Crisler Arena in Ann Arbor in 1980. My friend Dave "Purple" Hayes drove, and my little brother and his friend came with. On the way out of the parking lot afterward, Purple Hayes backed the car out without looking and slammed into the car behind us. My brother, his friend and I all saw it coming but didn't say a word. We were kinda stoned, but we still shoulda said something.

I think probably the most asshole thing I ever did as a kid was lie and say the neighbor kid held a gun to my head. My dad went and just gave him the meanest, loudest talking-to. Like, this kid seriously was in tears by the end of it. In fact, the kid had not threatened me in any way. He was just mean to me. This was when I realized lies about serious things had consequences. (Actually, maybe no. Years later I heard a rumor that my seventh grade English teacher looked at gay porn while we wrote our journal entries in the first 15 minutes of class. I passed this on to my parents – thank god they never took it up to the principal or anything. I would have felt so bad if this guy lost his job because of me.)

btw http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?boardid=77&threadid=71121

my whole childhood was an asshole move. i was such a little shit.

xxxp: Not saying anything even though you really need to because you're kinda stoned is its own thing and could probably have a thread to itself.

Also Dave "Purple" Hayes is the best thing ever.

I used to play playground basketball when i was a kid and even though I couldn't shoot for shit I was always the center b/c I was tall and good at defense. Anyway, our team wasn't the best, but we were probably in the top 5, but the #1 team was totally undefeated b/c they had these two twins a year older than everyone else who were guards and just beasts on the court. Anyway, when it came time for us to play them I had my best game ever on D and did a decent job of shutting them down. It was nearing the end of the game and we were up by a point but one of the twins caught a rebound and starting breaking towards the other side for an easy lay up so I sprinted along side him and stepped in front at the last second to trip him. I got called for a personal foul (tried to play it off, but I probably wasn't the best actor), but hurt his knee. We ended up winning the game by three because the other twin didn't know what to do without his brother out there on the court. They destroyed us in the first round of the playoffs.

When I was a kid, I was a huge asshole to my stepmother like it was my job. I made her cry a lot, but there are two incidents I remember clearly, both of which happened when I was about 10:

1. She had this pretty obsessive thing where she would come home from work and "destress" by vacuuming the carpets every day. I was over for my noncustodial parent visit one weekend and before she got home, I throughly vacuumed the entire house, and told her about it like I'd done her a major favor. She couldn't vacuum again without admitting this was a pretty obsessive thing to do, but she couldn't relieve stress by vacuuming, and she kind of had a meltdown.

2. Once when I was getting out of the back seat of her car, I pushed the seat back lever without realizing that my stepmother had leaned back into the car to get something and I WALLOPED her right in the face with the seat. She cried and even though hitting her was accidental, I very distinctly remember feeling really, really happy about it.

Also once when I was in third grade, I randomly walked up to this one kid on the playground and smacked him in the face as hard as I could. I have no idea why I did it. Then I somehow talked him out of telling on me. I still feel pretty bad about that.

ha #1 is pretty devious

Less devious but also assholey: she would plan out her outfits for the month using blank calendar pages and I would hide them from her.

reading this thread has assured me of one thing, I will never marry a person w/ kids from another marriage

My stepmother was and remains a total jerk. Don't be a total jerk and you should be fine.

When I was a freshman in college my Dad drove me 8 hours upstate after the end of spring break. Once we got to campus I was so excited to see all my friends that all I wanted to do was hang out with them. My Dad asked me to go to dinner with him but I declined saying I wanted to hang out and as he turned to walk away I noticed that he had tears in his eyes. I tried to say something to him but he was all choked up and wouldn't talk to me. I had really hurt his feelings. I feel bad about that to this day tbh.

Damn, Erica. That story makes me want to cry.

Dude, it was so sad. I tried going after him after I realized how upset he was but he just kept walking. I was too upset to even go out that night so I just sat in my dorm room and didn't wind up doing anything. ]

yeah I think "unintentional asshole moves you pulled on your parents" could be a whole 'nother thread imo :/

Yeah. I mean, I really feel so badly for your dad there, but what college kid wants to spend time with their parents? My folks drove me from MD to Illinois one year and I was basically like "alright, see ya!" No idea if there were tears.

In kindergarten I told the principal that this kid who rode the same bus as me gave me a Werther's Original with a needle in it. I don't know why I did it to this day, nor do I know what (or if anything) happened to him

you probably had the faraway eyes and uncertain voice of a young fabulist that usually leads to no action being taken at all.

Probably so. I never heard anything about it again so I assume they did nothing.

the principal probably thought, '<3'.

you probably had the faraway eyes and uncertain voice of a young fabulist that usually leads to no action being taken at all.

:D

Also, E's story is killing me :( Nothing worse than doing something that makes yr parents sad like that. I made my mum cry once by telling her "I thought I was a GUEST in your house when I visit" (because she was making me clean up after myself on a flying visit, at the age of 30something). She looked at me, said "you're supposed to be my DAUGHTER" and started crying.

Sheeeit, mum.

Was at a party of like 30-40 people, was having a good time and this asshole with a Nike Air hat who is already drunk shows up and begins acting like a dick...but he is a friend of party thrower. He passes out. I took off his hat when nobody else was in the room, pissed in it, then put it back on his head. I left immediately after. I never saw but like one of those people again thankfully.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCwn1NTK-50

I wanted the game Crossfire SO BADLY when I was little, and my parents refused to buy it for me because of all the stupid pieces that would inevitably go missing, and what a mess I would make, etc. Finally either they caved or someone else didn't know, but I wound up getting it as a gift for my birthday. It was way cool and all but for some reason which I don't understand to this day, I decided to take this box of powdered doughnuts from the kitchen table and put one of the metal balls in it and then put it back in the box. I didn't actually want anyone to get hurt, and looking back it was probably one of my friends who egged me on/thought it'd be funny, but needless to say I didn't have Crossfire much longer.

<3

I hit my brother over the head with a (real) golf club. He was 2 and I was 5. We're both fine, now though.

> twitches <

are you sure your brother is fine, admrl? he seems a little twitchy.

i used to hide out in the woods in full camo gear and shoot birds, squirrels etc with my bb gun. one day i decided it would be cool to put a bb in this kid i hated. i shot him in the ass and the bb actually stuck in his ass. needless to say i was arrested.

i used to hide out in the woods in full camo gear and shoot birds, squirrels etc with my bb gun. one day i decided it would be cool to put a bb in this kid i hated. i shot him in the ass and the bb actually stuck in his ass. needless to say i was arrested.

omg hall of fame post.

this thread is sad-making

yeah i am ;_; and vowing to be nicer to my dad tbh

Went into the middle of the traffic circle at the end of my street with my friends Mark, Joe, and Brian and re-enacted the Rodney King beating to see if we could get taped and put on TV. Took turns being Rodney King, tried to get cars to stop. Some did, and chased us off a few times. But we always came back. After a couple of dozen feigned beatings it was my turn to be Rodney King, so I lay on the ground and pretended to get the shit kicked out of me. And guess who happens by on her bicycle? My little (8 year old) sister. But I'm too into verisimilitude to notice, and I've got my eyes closed and I'm screaming bloody murder.

A few minutes later my dad (a diminutive minister) shows up with the BB-gun and two police cars at his back, strolling up the street like John Fucking Wayne and my friends scram into the woods before I can get away.

Yeah, I got it that night.

But your Dad in full Atticus mode- that's cool!

When i was 17 my dad was back home after one of his manic episodes and was fixing a light in the garage on a ladder. He was on a big time high as i recall. So i decided it would be a good idea to yank his shorts down while he was on the ladder. he flew into a complete rage and pinned me against the wall by my neck...my mother had to hit him with a broom to keep him from strangling me. ah good times.

oh god nothing in the world would have made me want to pants my father. seeing whatever was in there would be like gazing at the surface of the sun

kicked a chair out from under my dad as he sat down.... because we'd all been doing at school all day. threw his back out a little but he went from purple with temper to snorting laughing fit in the 20 mins it took him to get up. <3.

I don't know if this really counts as an asshole move since it was mostly unintentional, but when I was about 5-6 I was pretend sword fighting with my little sister using a plastic knife. I figured a plastic knife was basically a fake knife so it was not dangerous. Anyway I cut my sister right next to her left eye and then it was off to the emergency room for some stitches and she still has a small scar there nearly 30 years later.

Decided it would be a funny idea to do the old "water bucket on top of the door trick", as ripped directly out of the Beano comics. Calling my Dad out into the garden, he opens the door and very luckily doesn't step out into the garden because rather than comedically landing upside down on his head and everyone tittering at my gaff, the bucket plummets from its perch at such a velocity that it lands on the patio and splits in two. I still have terrible "what-if?" moments late at night.

top of the door to the ground is surely a much greater distance than top of the door to top of your dad's head! just a little bump in the noggin, it's safe to think.

Totally called my mom one time and said "Hi, mom. I'm in jail."

Her reaction was what made me realize I had been an asshole of the highest order:"Are you alright? Where are you?"

Then there was the night my friend and I got hammered and took out approx. 15 mailboxes IN OUR OWN NEIGHBORHOOD before the new owners had moved in. We just walked up the street with two tee-ball bats, going to town.

Really lucky we didn't get caught, let alone arrested/shot/chased.

peed in an empty can of coke and give it to my lil sis. she gave it a proper chug, before spitting it out everywhere and crying. brought the lulz at the time, i must say.

Real classy, max. Sounds like you have issues with women, starting with your sister.

i think most of my childhood/young adulthood asshole moves were less deliberate horribleness and more unnoticed and unapologetic personal slights that i'd be hard pressed to recall lo these years later

wait tho actually i did once throw a pair of scissors at my mom

in fifth grade I wrote a threatening letter to the P.E. teacher that took my basketball because some other kids had misused it during P.E. - at the end I told her I wanted her to die. my teacher found it.

did she die tho?

hell if i know, though eerily a year later she got in a horrible car wreck when she (as I was told) dropped her taco, bent over to pick it up, thus running a red light, and hitting another vehicle head on... and broke her neck. i felt pretty bad about writing that to her after that cuz apparently she was lucky to survive it.

that's the worst taco ever

yea me personally anything that hits the floor stays there until my vehicle is stopped but hey everyone has a lapse of judgment every now and then i guess

Real classy, max. Sounds like you have issues with women, starting with your sister.

― thirdalternative, Friday, 6 August 2010 18:54 (2 days ago) Bookmark

yeah, probs. i once told a girl that was interested in me "you only fancy me because you're really desperate." a nice mix of self loathing and misogyny, there.

my sis has always been pretty chill, tho.

wait you said "fancy" and you're american? is this a regional thing or were you pretending to be lol british?

This is ILX. We all become half British after a while.

some of us already were :/

wait tho actually i did once throw a pair of scissors at my mom

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSgq90rOQQw

jesus g. christ

im surprised that it doesn't really bleed

man, I remember this time when I was like 6-7 when a kid of a friend of the family came over, and he kept on beating all these levels in super mario world that I couldn't, and my parents kept on fawning over him saying how accomplished he was etc. (obv. not for being great at SMW but for other things), and I got really jealous and cried and threatened to kill myself. so then my mom led me to the kitchen drawer and gave me a knife and said "oh yeah? do it!" and I was all O_o

the suspense!

wait you said "fancy" and you're american? is this a regional thing or were you pretending to be lol british?

― turtles all the way down (mh), Monday, 9 August 2010 15:57 (37 minutes ago) Bookmark

i'm british and never said otherwise.

that scissors thing is obvs fake, btw.

oh, I was confusing you with another non-british, sry

US Max isnt a pirate iirc