how often do you hang out with friends?

hanging out has become this big thing. i just can't always do it. some of my friends, they hang out all the time.

but keeping in touch is big 4 me so i make it happen. just not like, every night.

u?

altho some ppl would say i go out a lot. but i know plenty of ppl who have plans like 4+ nights in a week. i can't.

and what's with this thing about ppl booing you if you can't make it? "oh you're not going to ryan's? BOOOOO"

like, really? do i need to be booed?

hanging out has become this big thing.

dude u r just something else

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2V_ZT-nyOs

You spent the first five years trying to get with the plan
And the next five years trying to be with your friends again

u_u

Once every couple of weeks.

i hate to be all ADOBE SLABS FO ME AND MAH GIRLS HYAAHHHHH about it, but that LCD Soundsystem line probably resonated for me more than any lyric in the last decade

i try and see friends on the weekends because i lead a lonely existence during the week

yea typically i try and book fri and sat nights. daytime planning is less likely.

In Florida, I would just get bored and drive over to my friends house on like a Wednesday night and chill out and watch Mr. Show or something, would prolly "hang out" like 4/5 nights a week.

But in New York I'm lucky if I hang out even once a week because everyone lives like a 45-to-60-minute subway ride away and are total workaholics (including myself)

You have to like "book" hang-out time with New York adults as opposed to just "dropping by," despite what Seinfeld has led you to believe

i would feel weird if someone dropped by my house, even my close friends that live in the hood

see a couple of friends of mine just moved to the neighborhood and they have actually just dropped by and taken me to dinner. i like it.

and what's with this thing about ppl booing you if you can't make it? "oh you're not going to ryan's? BOOOOO"

like, really? do i need to be booed?

― janice (surm), Sunday, July 11, 2010 12:20 PM (7 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

luv this

i try and see friends on the weekends because i lead a lonely existence during the week

― max, Sunday, July 11, 2010 12:23 PM (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lonely late nite guy bloggin abt stuff

but that LCD Soundsystem line probably resonated for me more than any lyric in the last decade

yeah word

in chicago i lived w/pals and hung out 4-6 nights a week and had a v tight friend group. in mpls i'm busy w/school all the dang time and know v few ppl my age (one of the downsides of being an 'older student'). pretty lonely existence for the last two years, getting with the plan.

at least now it's summer and i've got time off---kinda been hanging too much these last two weeks imo

Currently living a life where people drop by all the time, I'm poor but don't really notice, and I hang out pretty much every single day, often multiple times with different people/groups.

Money's gonna run out really soon, but until then, this is fucking awesome.

xp yeah it's nice to have phases of too much, but i too have definitely cooled it since lol college. not bc i don't want to be around people, i actually feel best when people are around - i just need to get things done.

i call it 'chill-cycles'

my ~5-6 best friends are spread out in states/countries very far away from me. me and the gf have a small set of local friends who we hang out with every few weeks or so. actually a really big % of our social life = hanging out with friends from other places who are in town visiting new york.

Hanging out with friends means a lot of different things and different contexts to me now, after all these years. It's like I can't really how often or when, it's this free-flowing thing.

In MO (where I'm currently at for a few weeks to see my family+old friendz) I would "hang out" pretty much 5-7 times a week during summers (these were college days) and maybe 3-4 times a week during the school year.

Nowadays I hang out maybe 1-2 times a week, and that's usually just going to a happy hour after work with work friends so that I can talk about work after being at work all day. WORK

I miss not just the quantity of MO hang out time but also the quality. In CoMo and my hometown you really could just walk or bike over to someone's house just to see if they were there, and then sit on the porch and eat Wonderbread or something. Nowadays it's more like "OK take this metro to that metro, walk 6 blocks this way, we've reserved a table here at this time, hope we don't have to cab it home, oh and don't mention to X that Y is looking for a new job because Z might be there and A1 might eventually hear", bleeech

Starting to get unnerved by how terrified I am of alone time.

what abt txtin u guys it has really changed things y/n?

idk tbh

don't have txtin atm, would it change my life if I were to have it again? O_O

In CoMo and my hometown you really could just walk or bike over to someone's house just to see if they were there, and then sit on the porch and eat Wonderbread or something.

yeah, this is what i miss most about lol college. it's weird, now that i live alone i kinda don't like it when ppl just drop by (one of my friends str8 up kramers me every couple weeks and it is sort of infuriating), but when i lived with bros (and my personal space was already up for grabs) it was great.

i have a new slidey fone xp

two or three times a year.

Starting to get unnerved by how terrified I am of alone time.

^^^ this used to be me - now when I know I'm going to be hanging out with people, I experience the expectation as a really intense pressure/weight. am trying to get better about this but I think sociable me died & was buried circa 1996.

not e-freakin-nuff

seldom more than twice a week

Don't think texting has changed stuff as much as FB ... at least in my situation. I can't stand seeing pictures of people having fun doing stuff I was never even invited to do.

was waiting for someone to drop the f bomb

i love hanging out with bros, and i miss college sometimes, cause my biggest college bros live too far for frequent brocial interaction, and getting together with them requires intense nebrotiations

but the big thing w/ me is that i have a rull serious longtime girlfriend so i 'socially interact' every night basically (not even a sex euphemism) and having hang-out time with friends is less crucial

i would probably be starving for get-brogethers if i didnt live the girl who is essentially my best bro

aw

2 cuet

but yeah i agree w/ the people saying that when you have a 'real job' and a 'real life' and a 'real apartment' and 'real commitments' & so forth, it gets way harder to see the people who mean a lot to you, and some days im just like, why cant i move into a big ol farmhouse with all my best bros and we can spend all our time doing cannonballs in the pool and eating watermelon

My real job and real life and real apartment and real commitments aren't getting in the way of hanging out with friends.

It's my friends' real jobs and real lives and real apartments and real commitments getting in the way.

yeah and i imagine that they really regret it a lot. i know i do. and i dont even have a real job.

probably every day if u include stuff like playing racquetball or going swimming

sports hanging out is A+

Except for a brief late afternoon round of drinks yesterday, I haven't seen my friends this weekend. Now that more friends move away due to school and jobs, I don't have every weekend night booked like I used to even as recently as eighteen months ago. Two of my closest straight friends just got girlfriends, and these bros are squishy enough not to press the issue about hanging out, which is very, very irritating. I've no doubt their girlfriends would let them hang out; the guys simply don't care enough. I suppose that's why I've never had a boyfriend longer than a few months: I simply couldn't enjoy one person's company exclusively no matter how deep my attraction and affection.

underrated hangout situation: someone is getting a haircut in the kitchen

doesn't come up too often, but it's always fun

otm

totally

I mean, I need my friends: the tension, arguments, idle conversation.

(It would help too if I liked sports. Watching baseball and soccer is the only way to guarantee a chick-less afternoon or night, but then I have to compete with the damn flat screen)

all of my main dudes live at least 2-3 hours away or more, so my hang time typically consists girlfriend and her social circle. which is totally cool. they are, for the most part, A+ bros. we usually do something on the weekend, and maybe something during the week, if ppl are getting antsy.

while I miss my old school bros, this is all probably for the best. too many bros in close proximity makes me irresponsibility-prone

move to NC Alfred

underrated hangout situation: someone is getting a haircut in the kitchen

doesn't come up too often, but it's always fun

― 1967 Dragnet episode (Z S), Sunday, July 11, 2010 6:13 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark

doesn't this happen in 'clueless'? seconded

move to NC Alfred

― les yeux sans aerosmith (underrated aerosmith albums I have loved),

I would fear for the sale of gin.

Much happier in my thirties. I go out less, and the hangovers are worse, but slowly and subconsciously, you mind less. That's a kind of solace.

huh - my hangovers are pretty much non-existent in my 30s (compared to my 20s), and I go out way more - but def. as you get older you come to accept a lot more things

Just so no one's depressed about the post-30s, please keep in mind that other kinds of social life can replace "hanging out!" I mean, regular hanging-out with a close core friend-group is awesome and worth fighting to preserve. But I think part of what replaces it, sometimes, is having a way broader sense of people you know, from different places, in different contexts -- like a whole "adult" social sphere -- and that's interesting, too.

Also I don't think it's just age that changes anything, and it's not like people just magically LOSE their hanging-out. Life might just shift to work differently. Plus there are a lot of life events where ... there is maybe some point just past 30 where it gets likely that, say, you move to a new place and don't set up a new core friend-group, or members of your core friend-group move different places, or your core splits and multiplies until you have a foot in several different places ... it's not that everyone wants to hang out but is suddenly too busy for it; sometimes it might be like your world grows new facets.

(Also I get the feeling the trend reverses when you get toward 40 or something? Like people have developed new adult social networks again.)

I mean, it's occurred to me here that I "hang out" a lot without even noticing it. Like we know loads of people from a bar/cafe on my street, and we'll go a couple nights a week and spend a few hours having drinks and chatting, and I'll see people there when I'm working during the day. But it doesn't spring to mind as "hanging out," it's just being out in the world and knowing people in a particular spot, you know?

yah fwiw as i get older and have more "responsibilities" in my life my social life is if anything even more active, its just that im typically doing more structured/purposeful stuff w/ ppl rather than just kicking back & drinking some beers or playing ps3 or w/e

well, part of growing those new facets is contingent on how you go about your life, and also a bit contingent on where you live. The phrase "being out in the world" is the key thing here.

I've still got a ways to go, but I turn 27 in just over a month and that has me freaking out- I fucked up most of my life so far due to major depression/social anxiety and an avoidant personality, the last year of my life feels like it flew by with no positive changes and I can easily see that happening again. I feel this huge pressure to get together some kind of social life before too long and I have absolutely no idea how.

don't feel pressure to do anything based solely on age! i think there are at least a half-dozen how to meet new people and make friends threads, if you want to use ilx as a resource, ha.

Yeah sorry I think ppl misunderstood what I meant - in your 30s you (can) start to wind back, but not because you have to or cant keep up - its like Alfred says. You just dont mind anymore! Yr happier chilling at home or a quiet cafe with friends and chats/chess/cards, or a TV marathon, or a weekend with the girls baking bread.

And also, most of my friends are in their 20s still, so.

Don't feel bad about that, you feel like you fucked up, but really you just front-loaded a ton of learning into the first 27 years and now you have all that knowledge to build on.

I, for one, had pretty nasty anxiety about a number of things and some bad preconceptions/misconceptions about how I needed to interact with friends and family, and in relationships. Probably everyone does. That sense of pressure you feel? It's completely bullshit and it's an anxiety defense from actually getting anything done. Never set a goal or have preconceptions about what a "social life" is supposed to be. I really value my time alone, just cleaning the house and chasing the cat around while listening to music, as much as I value hanging out at the bar with friends. Maybe more.

I guess I mean, never set an *end* goal.

you can set an end goal, just don't have fixed ideas or unrealistic preconceptions about how you get there

This is going to sound cheesy, but I tend to think making-friends challenges are mostly personal, and less a matter of your "approach" -- you know, you work on getting yourself to a place where you're happy and can be a good friend and have room for people in your life (and can be understanding/patient about how much room others have in theirs), and that can sorta do its own work.

xpost - so yeah, less about the goals/expectations, more about keeping yourself satisfied and having an open space for people

That said, you know that old advice about classes and activities? More and more I think this is really good advice! Even when given for dating purposes. (Sometimes I eat at a restaurant in my neighborhood that does cooking classes in the back, and last time I saw one it was like eight attractive women and one guy whose knife skills were getting a lot of attention.)

Not often I agree with Alfred Soto, but it is true that 30s seem to be when you stop giving a fuck (in a good way, you don't have to go to seed or anything), which is just SO nice.

especially when it's the switch from "I'd rather hang out than work on stuff" to "I'd rather work on stuff than 'hang out'"

Not often I agree with Alfred Soto

Let's get gin and tonics.

I love gin and tonics!

Thirded.

who amongst us does not like a gin and tonic?

Aliens, scalawags and utter barbarians.

See? We get on already.

makin one know iirc

NOW

love you guys

30s hanging out is different, and better, than 20s hanging out, imo, more thoughtful or something
like tracer said, "productive idleness", the hang-out idea factory that actually works
xps

I see my bandmates/friends once a week (sometimes twice) for rehearsal, usually see one or two other friends regularly on the weekends. But with a kid "hanging out" doesn't really happen in the same way it does when yr younger and rootless - I have to like schedule stuff and work around what my daughter's needs are but by and large it's no big deal. I don't really go out much at night since I am broke and usually beat by the end of the day. if someone wants to come over and sit around with me and the wife after the kid's gone to sleep hey that's great but that almost never happens.

one of the reasons i am looking forward to going back to lol college (beyond like learning stuff) is hanging out with friends again - having a bit of space where i'm comfortable having people over, and living close enough to people to just pop in on a few minutes' notice rather than having to organise a few days in advance. i see friends about twice/3x a week at the moment but usually out in the pub, or going to do something like go for a walk or see some art - i really miss just taking an evening to make dinner, play videogames, chat shit, fall asleep on someone's sofa and stumble home.

Shakey, hanging out with friends who have kids can be nice for that reason. You know they're going to appreciate your company, and won't be tempted to go crazy on a weeknight. More tricky when everyone has kids, though.

I had a gin & tonic tonight.

Met my best friend at the bar, but I only see his kids (13 and 8) once or twice a year.

this guy i know does nothing but go out and see people, and it really annoys me. it's just like, that's nice and everything - it's GREAT to see friends - but honestly, when you ask me if i'm available every single time we speak (3 days in a row for instance), I just have to wonder what else you have going on for you. like, do you have other interests? or do you just parade around the city moseying from one cocktail to the next? :/

and we're not even close! i mean, we met at a party a couple of months ago, hung out once and talked online a bunch. if he's giving ME this kind of time, i can't imagine what he gets up to with his friend friends.

go for a drink with workmates once/twice a week in summer, some of these are really good friends so always good to hang out outside of the office (or on a diff floor of it, where the bar is!)

non work friends i'd say i see friday/saturday/sunday, and then sometimes i might one day out of a monday/tues/weds/thur go for dinner or watch a match or have people into my flat for food or whatever. average week i'd say 2/3 nights in.

somehow i'm not surprised you're so popular :D

i have hung out with people pretty much every day of my life for the past few years, but i'm young. i'd say it's a nice way to live for the time being, i don't get as much reading done as i would like though

That said, you know that old advice about classes and activities? More and more I think this is really good advice!

People always tell me that classes and activities are the way to meet people, but in my experience classes and activities (post-university, at least) are a great way of finding 20 new people you ought to say hi to if you pass in the street and 0 new people you can ring up and go "heyyy, let's hang out"

admittedly I am just not very good at turning people from type 1 to type 2, don't know if I miss the magic signs that a type 2 friendship has become possible or if they're never there in the first place

anyway I have now reached the point where if this starts to bother me I remember all the unread books and undone chores around the flat and feel like I do not need any more missions in life

Almost never. And this has started to bother me.

I had this weird revelation over the weekend, about the difference between "talking friends" - i.e. those kind of close soulmates with whom you can talk about anything and everything - and "doing friends" who are the kind of people that you might not know that much about, but you just go out and just do stuff with them. That it's an activity based friendship, rather than a deep, meaningful soulful talk kind of thing.

And it's so important to have friends of both kinds, in order to live a balanced life. I have been profoundly missing "Talking Friends" in my life recently - but the thing is, people-on-the-internet can, in some ways, fulfill the need for "Talking Friends." But people-on-the-internet can almost never fulfill the need for "doing friends". And I'm just starting to realise that the need for "doing friends" is just as important as the former.

For most of my life, "doing friends" were kind of provided by the music scene. That a lot of my social life revolved around being in bands, or going to see bands. And since I'm not so much interested in being-in-bands any more (at least, I'm just not interested in the pressure of being in a band where everyone wants to MAKE IT!!! so badly that they forget it's supposed to be fun) I miss that. It's weird, in the past two weeks, I've been to two gigs recently where I ran into a lot of "doing friends" who think that I have dropped off the face of the earth because I've just not been going to shows.

I dunno. I think classes and activities and things are probably good for providing "doing friends" but the problem with "doing friends" is that they tend to be associated with one particular activity. And if you stop doing - or enjoying - that activity, the friendships wither away, and, in my case, are not replaced.

It's possible that some of the Doing people could make a transition to being Talking Friends -- not the bulk of them probably but there's usually one or two people who are a little more thoughtful, a little more interested or sincere when they ask how you've been, a little bit different from the others.

Pick one and have him or her over for tea, or ask them to go with you to something that's sort of a Doing Thing but will offer better chances to talk one-on-one.

I understand the distinction between "doing" and "talking" friends, but the only way to bridge the gap is to ask more probing questions. Guys tend to be less inclined to share intimacies, especially when they're young.

Well, isn't Masonic Boom saying the opposite, though? That it is the lack of Doing Friends, not Talking Friends, that is becoming a problem?

I'm not sure I can really offer any advice, as my friends almost invariably come from the music scene that you're not so interested in any more. I don't really do anything else with my life.

Actually on review of kate's post, you're right. But a way of getting more Doing people in your life is taking them from one context to another. Maybe someone who likes the same music as you will like the same something else, too. Or at least be open to a fun thing.

But yeah, I would say that while the distinction often does exist in practice, it is important not to dismiss individuals as belonging solely to a single category - make your talking friend into a doing friend by inviting them out to stuff; make your doing friend into a talking friend by, well, talking to them more, or doing one of those things that Laurel suggested.

xpost

Well, the biggest reason that I'm specifying the difference between "doing" friends and "talking" friends is, as I said, that it is possible to make and keep and have great relationships with "talking" friends via the internet. It is almost impossible to have "doing" friends solely over the interent. I've been slack recently, and let my social window shrink (due to work and age and job and other constraints.) But I am trying to get myself to remember that there are some social voids that the internet cannot fill. It's possible to have a "talking friend" in another city, another country, in another time zone. It is not possible to maintain a "doing friend" under those circumstances.

With the music scene thing - I still love music, but I REALLY no longer love going to or playing gigs or clubs. Which, given that those are the principle means of *doing* music, that those things are no longer a good way to meet or maintain "doing friends."

I guess I just need to remind myself of my other interests, and figure out a way to turn them into social activities. Remembering that I love nature walks, so I should try to investigate finding more ways of doing them (though, frankly, the Ramblers scare me a little) even though I seem to have lost my nature walking friends. Or trying to figure out a way of making drawing / sketching into a social activity, which I keep meaning to do, and then missing the start date of life sketching classes.

Just a reminder to myself, really, that life exists outside the shiny silver box, even if I can't stand going to clubs any more.

I've been in Hoboken a year with my girlfriend and still haven't made "hang out" friends yet.

yeah it's way too easy to get lazy and let this happen when you're living somewhere new and you also have a girlfriend. 1) you always have someone to hang out with 2) you get laid either way so that's never driving you out the house. and in my case 3) you are friends with her friends by proxy so if you're someone like me who doesn't need to be out socializing every free minute it's like "eh" *get drunk on gf's porch again*

― makes da cool chewbaccas in pain sounds STAR WARS (arby's), Monday, July 12, 2010 10:57 PM (1 week ago)

I've been in Hoboken a year with my girlfriend and still haven't made "hang out" friends yet.

― Evan, Monday, July 12, 2010 10:15 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

we had a good social network in nyc before moving here but it took like a year and a couple months to make brand-new friends unconnected to ppl we already knew. it takes time but it happens.

― max, Monday, July 12, 2010 11:20 PM (1 week ago)

I forgot about this thread. It just comes down to that we don't really know how to meet people here in a natural way. I would feel silly in any sort of forced friend-making activity. Was just bummed when I originally posted because my girlfriend's friends are all in NYC but all of my friends have moved all over the place.

this guy i know does nothing but go out and see people, and it really annoys me. it's just like, that's nice and everything - it's GREAT to see friends - but honestly, when you ask me if i'm available every single time we speak (3 days in a row for instance), I just have to wonder what else you have going on for you. like, do you have other interests? or do you just parade around the city moseying from one cocktail to the next? :/

I guess he doesn't need any other interests. I think if that's how he enjoys life, then let him go for it. My main hobby is knitting and I don't do much else. I mean, I dropped reading and music pretty much in favour of knitting. Do I feel guilty? Fuck no. You do what you like and enjoy it.

I have other interests but I don't think I'm better/worse than him.

you're right, you're right. i guess i'm being judgmental, but to me, knitting, chillin with friends and doing other things as well is more interesting than just hanging out with ppl all the time. i mean, that's just what i find interesting in a person: more variance.

It does make you wonder what you can talk about if you are always hanging out with people and not taking time to pursue your own interests. I guess you talk about other people, gossip or tell stories about whatever crazy party you went to last night.

well, y'know, some of those people might be interesting in and of themselves too. i tend to hang out with one big interconnected group of friends so we're always catching up really.

There's also...news items. Politics, social landscape stuff. Books and movies that have come out, or that you just saw. The 70-yr-old guy who just passed on the street who was tattooed all over his arms, legs, and face and was probably a Person of Interest in his day. A story about a funny thing.

I know I'm the girl of a thousand hobbies and everything, but just hanging out with people is cool too. Or just ask them HOW THEY'VE BEEN, like REALLY, and see if they say, "I've been feeling kind of depressed, actually" or "I just got really into basket-weaving" or "Someone I work with did something shitty last week and I don't want to feel bad about it but I can't tell if it was my fault" -- and follow that up. Have a conversation that's not about whatever crazy party you went to last night.

unless the party was really really crazy.

surm, i really didn't intend to blast you for your opinion. i mean, shit, you're right. but then i think "whatever, if they are happy, then that's great." :-) but of course you ARE right. if that's all they do.