I am the Angel of Death.

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I just discovered today that a good acquaintance of mine from college recently died from injuries sustained in a ballooning accident. What the HELL???? I mean, I know it's everyone's time to go at some point, but I feel like I personally know a larger-than-average number of people who have died accidentally (or intentionally). It's not a fun feeling. This instance is particularly bad because I lost touch with this guy when he took off a year from school to work on Bush Sr's second campaign and I've always wanted to get back in touch with him. Now I'll never get the chance. Fuck.

The lone bright spot was discovering that said acquaintance owned a pet monkey named Cher. (Had you met this guy, you would understand how fitting that is.)

― Dan Perry, Monday, 6 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Dan, I'm going to always keep in touch with you because it just seems like the second you lose touch with someone, they kick the can. This is terrible, I am sorry to hear about this one. Though I am delighted to hear about people with monkeys named Cher, even if I hate monkeys.

― Ally, Monday, 6 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

YOU HATE MONKEYS?!

― arsemonkey, Monday, 6 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Yes. My mom had one pick the fruit out of her peach fizz sour once.

― Ally, Monday, 6 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ally, that doesn't sound like reasonable grounds for hate to me.

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Monday, 6 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Well, it came up to her in the bar, sat on her lap, kissed her, and then stole her drink with its filthy monkey paws. That's disgusting, I don't want it to happen to me so I avoid monkeys.

― Ally, Monday, 6 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Sheesh, Mitch. THOSE. THOSE. ;)

― Josh, Monday, 6 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Oh, THOSE. Nevermind then. Bar Monkeys = Hateful beasts. (I thought it might have been a friendly monkey with a penchant for alchohol- drenched fruit.) Still, this aberrant breed should not be allowed to obscure all the other, perfectly admirable, primates out there. However, just for the record, I don't like bananas.

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Monday, 6 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The Delhi Monkey Man

― Tadeusz Suchodolski, Monday, 6 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

ally - yr dad shot a goat, u hate monekeys - do any animals have a hope with you?

― Geoff, Monday, 6 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I've been carefully conditioned through vicious psychological torture to despise all animals. The best picture of me ever taken was one of me very recently on holiday in Arizona, where my mom piled all of her current animals (a Chihuahua, a Boston Terrier, three German Shepards, two Siamese cats, and a mutt cat) on top of me or around me, forced me to wear my Josie cat ears and insisted I smile. The look of terror on my face is worth more than money, my friends.

Incidentally, this is one of my mom's most animal-free periods in my life. I once sat down and recounted every single dog - just dogs, not cats, goats, birds, guinea pigs, ducks, horses, donkeys, ducks, etc - that I could remember her owning in my life, and came up with well over 150. I am just barely 21 years old and did this several years ago. Please note that never in my life have we lived on a farm or similar large property. We're from Long Island City for fuck's sake.

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Oh, and my dad had a perfectly good reason to shoot the goat, it head butted him.

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

How did your parents avoid problems with the NYC housing people and/or cops, what with all those animals around?

― Tadeusz Suchodolski, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I honestly have no clue, other than to say that as long as I've known her - as long as anyone has known her, according to the stories - my mom has been a pro at getting out of trouble.

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

BAR MONKEYS????

― Tom, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Bar Monkeys = south african for BOUZE MONKEYS!!

― mark s, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

But who oh who would let a monkey in a pub?

― Tom, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The same sort of crazy arsed fools who let aggressive dogs (ie damn near all of them) into pubs.

― Richard Tunnicliffe, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The same people who let (nay, encourage) apes into pubs.

― Emma, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Would that be The Barnet Ape, or an ordinary ape?

― Richard Tunnicliffe, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The very thought of it is making me silently weep to myself.

― Emma, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I have heard about these bar monkeys. Apparently you can go to bars in America where they have chimps who amusingly smoke cigarettes and drink Bud before your very eyes. Great, hey?

― Sam, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Monkeys are retarted. I also hate mandrills, ugly wretches. BLerch. Allyis Monkey-ish

― Mike Hanle y, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

But who oh who would let a monkey in a pub?

It was the '70s, they let horses into clubs. A monkey is nothing.

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I've never actually seen a "Bar Monkey". But the "Bar Monkey" scenario feels so familiar. I must have seen them on a TV show or documentary. Look how we have completely sidestepped the more unpleasant elements (ie. everything non-monkey related)of this thread.

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Horses in clubs are fine, but only if they are carrying porno midgets.

― Richard Tunnicliffe, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Don't you know that midgets is an offensive term?

;)

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Post-modern midgets?

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The "correct" term (several unconnected people have insisted at me) is PERSON OF RESTRICTED GROWTH: which immediately gets shortened to PORG, which is not self- evidently an improvement on dwarf or midget, as far as basic human respect goes...

― mark s, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I like the word midget, it's cute. They should still use that. I mean, it was a real medical term for ages, what's the problem with it? It's a cute little word. I'd like to be called "midget". It sounds like "Gidget" and who doesn't love Gidget?

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

How certain can you be that Gidget wouldn't pick the fruit out of your peach fizz sour?

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Like Gidget would ever do that. Anyhow, Sally Fields does not have monkey paws, so it's not as bad.

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

To be honest, I've never ever seen an episode of Gidget. NB: Sally Fields might be hanging out with her Mrs. Doubtfire co-star Robin Williams, who very well may have monkey paws.

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Gidget = short for Girl Midget, anyway, surely?

― mark s, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

But Sally Fields isn't any sort of a midget/person of small stature/dwarf/whatever you wanna call it to make it easy on us.

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'm actually pretty certain that Sally Fields has monkey paws. If she doesn't, I say we graft some onto her.

(BTW, the rampant silliness has helped me to feel much better. Thanks.)

― Dan Perry, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I steal fruit out of people's drinks, at any rate.

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I steal the drin k out of women's fruits

― Mike Hanle y, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

*smacks Mike*

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I still want to take an UZI to a mandril. ugly bastards

― Mike Hanle y, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

ugly

― Mike Hanle y, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Oh that's good.

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Quit monkeying around, you botard!

― Kate the Saint, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Is it bad that a thread about Dan's worry that he is an Albatros into a thread about how we all feel about monkeys and fruit drinks?WHat a thread mutation

― Mike Hanle y, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Well, I don't want to discuss Dan's fear, because I think it's unfounded and it's just an unfortunate coincidence and it makes me sad for him. He's a great guy, he's not the albatross of death!

― Ally, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I know! It's kind of staggering, but it's one of the reasons I love this board.

― Dan Perry, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

speaking of boards, can you break em with your fists?

― Mike Hanle y, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I've always wanted to be able to break boards with my fists. It seems like a cool thing to gratuitously do in the middle of a fight.

― Dan Perry, Tuesday, 7 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

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