Obvious jokes/puns that people always make as though they were the first persons to think of them

E.g., jokes about the Dalai Lama when llamas are mentioned, or vice versa.

can we put "lamestream media" and "barack HUSSEIN obama" type stuff here too?

As-Salamu Alaykum // OSCAR MEYER BACON

smh @ kanye and nicki minaj in 2010 with this one

When I was a waiter at a seafood restaurant, people would often order the halibut by saying "I'll have the halibut [turn and look at fellow diners, maybe elbow somebody in the ribs]....for the helluvit!" [sounds like "halibut"]

In retail: at the register someone would see someone else they knew and tell the cashier, "HEY, charge him double!! har har har!"

When I used to work in a pub, every time I called "Time" on a Sunday night the same dude wd look at his watch and go "It's half past ten" with a big grin on his face. So badly wanted to glass him.

I've never heard anyone call out "Time" at closing. Usually "Last call!"

would have been better if he'd slammed a #2 pencil on the table and handed you a filled-in Scantron form

do u reckon NV unconsciously WANTED the idiot to tell him the time?

i remember reading on "tip the pizza guy" or a similar website that delivery drivers regularly encounter idiots who say shit like "yo, that pizza's for me!" or "yo, where my pepperoni at?"

when I waited tables and said "can I get you anything else?"

"Winning lottery numbers!"

I used to laugh to brownnose for tips, but by the end I gave the customers a lethal look that made them feel like Death was looking them in the eyes. There's just some lines you don't cross, bronco....

"HERE'S a tip... don't quit your day job!"

UGH - yes, "winning lottery ticket!"

I delivered flowers for a while and I got a lot of "OH! You shouldn't have!" or "For me?!" from people I passed. I wanted to just say dryly, "No." In fact, I am pretty sure I did, but only to men.

I've never heard anyone call out "Time" at closing. Usually "Last call!"

Under the old Britishes licensing laws you'd call "last orders" at 10 minutes before time and then "time" at the point where you legally had to stop serving booze. It's mostly gone nowadays.

My dad, who could be very witty when he wanted to be, would call my mum's favourite soaps "Dull-Arse" and "Dyssentry" every week for years. Not quite as hilarious as time wore on.

i remember reading on "tip the pizza guy" or a similar website that delivery drivers regularly encounter idiots who say shit like "yo, that pizza's for me!" or "yo, where my pepperoni at?"

One of my former coworkers, caught in a snowstorm that turned all of Boston into a parking lot for 7 hours, offered a woman walking home with a takeout pizza $50 for it because he hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was $8:30 PM. This started a bidding war among the cars around him, going up to I think $350.

The woman laughed at all of them and took her pizza home.

"HERE'S a tip... don't quit your day job!"

― 808s and Hatebeak (get bent), Friday, September 24, 2010 11:55 AM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

my sister-in-law was a waitress at a nice-ish restaurant one summer and one night she had a really bad time with a table (spilled coffee on some guy if I recall) and when they left the dude wrote on the receipt under the tip space: "Here's a tip: be a better waitress."

Laughing and saying "Oh ho, I didn't order THAT" when the waiter sets the check down on the table.

xp: that's really fucking mean

I'm not immune to this myself

server: care for some dessert?
me (after eating haddock for dinner): not tonight dear, I have a haddock [sounds like headache]

Again, waitering: When clearing a plate that is wiped clean, the eater says "Oh, I hated it! Can't you tell?!"

oh god, I actually do that one *ashamed*

you don't understand, haddock is the name of my dog!!!!!!!

well usually it's the "the meal was so disgusting, I just had to eat it so I could stop looking at it" variant but still

ok you guys have convinced me to never tell a joke to a waiter again

Again, waitering: When clearing a plate that is wiped clean, the eater says "Oh, I hated it! Can't you tell?!"

― DUMPLINGS! (Jesse), Friday, September 24, 2010 6:04 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark

the other night i overheard my waitress make this joke with 3 tables!!

My Dad does that all the time. Also: pretending to send back a bottle of wine after tasting it.

haha oh I love our text substitutions so much

I'm going to redouble my joking efforts. I think i'll start by going to the track and ordering the steak. plenty of fodder (lol) right there.

When I worked at Planned Parenthood, I would joke with the abortion patients, "No fetus can beat us!"

I do this. I've never thought I was the first person to think of it, though, and it's code for "this was really fucking good," so I'll be doing it again.

xpost re "hated it"

loooooooooooool xp

there's a whole threadsworth of music related shit puns alone. Hello "Rap? More like crap" and all the awesome joke artist names like Olivia Neutron Bomb etc etc

also see "gaydiohead" thread obv

xp Let's get cynical...

I say, "you can tell we hated it," about empty plates but it does mean that we really liked it, obv, and it's usually met with indulgence.

guys these are basically "dad jokes" right?

my dad makes a lot them yes

Sometimes I jump up indignant and point to my empty plate, screaming "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? HOW DARE YOU SERVE ME THAT DISGUSTING SWILL? I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD" and then I flip the table, then I sit down and say "no seriously, that was great; can we see a dessert menu?"

E.g., jokes about the Dalai Lama when llamas are mentioned, or vice versa.

"hello, dalai!"

Dunno about you guys, but I'm fucking printing this thread out and taking it with me tonight.

Just gonna hand it over at the end of the meal eh?

actual lol at hi dere

xpost. Ha ha, my dad used to say Olivia Neutron Bomb as well. It was topical once.

"the meal was so disgusting, I just had to eat it so I could stop looking at it"

I've done this, but not as a joke. there's something genuinely captivating about uniquely terrible-tasting food that there's a compulsion to take another bite to vainly figure out why it tastes so bad, but you never can, and before you know it, the food is finished. then hours later you figure out it was kale or something.

that is actually pretty legitimately funny TBH

wtf, sautéed kale is good stuff

Political puns of the Tony B. Liar variety are the worst.

There is a really awful, terrible bar (fratty as fuck, they have a stripper pole for the clientele to use) in Chicago called Good Bar. I don't think I need to tell you the jokes that you find on Yelp.

Philip, kale is not only great but I'm a little confused about the places you dine at. Do they have a 'chef's surprise mystery meal' option and, if so, why do you keep ordering it?

not really looking forward to the inevitable glut of 'i prefer the remix/b-side/live version' type jokes off the back of the '4.33 for Xmas #1' campaign

The Glenn Gould version clocks in at under 2 minutes.
― Jonathan Z., Tuesday, 13 January 2004 12:41 (6 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink
Does he play drums?
― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 13 January 2004 12:44 (6 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I bet every time James Taylor accepts a friend request on Facebook someone writes "well I guess I really do got a friend in you ;-)" on his wall, but it doesn't bother him any more at this point.

People keep saying that "plastic tree" shit to me at work; what the fuck does that even mean?

I caught myself the other day interjecting "That was your first mistake!" while listening to a story someone was telling me. I'm not sure it was even appropriate.

the other day:

girlfriend: I've got a ton of laundry to do
me: ton or tonne?

may be the single lamest joke I've ever made

How do you even pronounce them differently?

I didn't, this joke only worked inside my head

http://img713.imageshack.us/img713/6272/spokenlanguage.jpg

"how hangeth the hammer?"

I hear this being posed by Tommy Saxondale in my head.

god don't you hate when you hear an apparently popular witticism for the first time and laugh like crazy at it, only to learn that it's in common usage and hear it over and over again for the next few weeks?

and ^then^ you hear it over and over again...

when turning on a light: "let's shed a little LIGHT on the subject!"

var: And God said, "Let there be light!"

when you are eating rhubarb and someone says "rudimentary, my dear rhubarb"

...

i think you probably were the first person to think of that

next time you eat rhubarb you'll remember it

Does your face hurt?

No? Huh, because it's killing me!

A: I've just been on holiday to the Sahara.

B: Cool!

A: No, it was really hot.

ah....this takes me back.

I bet every time James Taylor accepts a friend request on Facebook someone writes "well I guess I really do got a friend in you ;-)" on his wall, but it doesn't bother him any more at this point.

― Cunga, Thursday, October 14, 2010 12:31 AM (1 year ago)

lol

when people ask me what a book's about i say "about 400 pages" or whatever, everyone hates it, i can't stop, my dad did it, it deepens like a coastal shelf

Commenting "TL;DR" after something about attention spans/people not reading anymore.

yeah totes

totes mah goats

my whole life has so far consisted of these!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thinking about "this takes me back" today. so good.

Can't wait until next week: "Thought you weren't going to wear a costume this year?"

I can't wait until I get the opportunity to use the "world is a vampire" joke

Just occurred to me that every minute of every day, hundreds or thousands of people driving across the state borders of Kansas must surely think or say aloud "I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore!"

"I guess we're just dust in the wind!"

Years ago, when I was in a band trying to sound like Uncle Tupelo meets the Meat Puppets, I drove this area of Kansas where they constructed fences using stakes made of limestone. Billboards kept announcing THIS IS POST ROCK COUNTRY.

And I was all, that's it! That's the name of our genre! I couldn't believe no one else had thought of it!

After a week, my bandmates told me, "You have got to stop talking about this." So I left it alone.

https://i.imgur.com/KAkwjfz.png

Still free for the taking!

Ha, I like it

https://www.cardcow.com/images/set219/card00599_fr.jpg

It's completely ridiculous.

https://i.imgur.com/0hJcZUi.jpg
https://www.flickr.com/photos/jimsawthat

Who said post rock is dead?

https://www.livelincolncounty.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/228226119_10225653441873967_2704251544804723052_n.jpg

looks promising, but post-rock bands need to get more creative with their names imo

idk "Inflatables" is pretty good

Post Rock Paramount, I can finally be at peace with this.

"No Coolers" is a nice multi-faceted band name too.

...as in "none more cool".

if Tony Danza's name, face, genitalia, or anything is mentioned or appears on a tv screen, at least one person in the room will start singing "HOLD ME CLOSER, TONY DANZA", and cackle loudly.

one that finally died down a bit was people talking about Idiocracy and someone replying "little did we know it was a DOCUMENTARY"

Dads saying "no thanks, we didn't order that!" when a server brings the check to the table at a restaurant.

"isn't it a coincidence that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease?"

I mean, the Yankess do play in the AL.

I like corny stuff like all of those.

I mean I just said the last one out loud yesterday.

I have become my father

*cake/pie/dessert is brought out*

Dad: So... what are the rest of you going to have?

I've never heard of many of these! (NB I have never worked in the hospitality industry)

most of mine I heard from my dad, or lame theater people.

the latter I guess would also be the hospitality industry OH YUK YUK

"I'm an actor"

"oh yeah? which restaurant?"