49 Reasons his girlfriend thinks he's gay (and his defense for each)

I came across this on a forum tonight. A few of the questions were removed for various reasons, but, in essence, his (ex-)girlfriend came up with all these reasons, he stumbled on the list only recently, and then he wrote a defense for each suspicion of hers. Funniest suspicion and best defense?

Well, now ex-girlfriend, but she wrote this list while we were dating. I just stumbled across it again tonight and thought I'd share:

ok, I think my subconscious is either trying to tell me something I already knew, or I may still be high off sharpie fumes. I texted my estranged/ex boyfriend about playing scrabble tonight via the internet ("You. Me. Scrabble. Tonight?"). He responded by saying he was at a friend's house ("At R.'s. Maybe later. :-)"). Since he has been at this friend's house rather often lately, I replied jokingly that R was his new SO ("If i didn't think i knew better, i'd think R was your new lurver."). I was afraid after I sent that that he'd be offended so I texted to apologize ("Hope i didn't offend you with my last text - just joking"). I hadn't gotten any sort of response so I asked him to call me....that was thirty minutes ago. So, in the interest of being totally paranoid, here is a list of...shall we say, "queer"? traits of the Boyfriend.

[Italics ends here just because]

1. He does not want to sleep with me. At all. Even if I'm standing in front of him naked. He would fool around some the first couple months we were dating then much less as time went on. I don't think he ever called me sexy, in 8 months of dating. See pictures of her just recently
2. He's a former catholic altar boy. Wrong, I never was.
3. He likes musicals. Just some.
4. He knits. Seriously. I made a scarf for a friend once.
--
6. He's been over at this one guy's house a LOT lately and sometimes he's out of breath when he answers the phone (says he's been playing Wii tennis).I got into Wii Tenis. That shit is still fun.
7. I don't think I've ever seen him with dirty fingernails. Ever. He even had a manicure kit in my bathroom. Manicure kit = fingernail clippers and toenail clippers
8. He's had 15 girlfriends (not counting me). Most of them decided after about a week they just didn't want to date him. He got dumped by one of his last girlfriends for not being physically affectionate. I was trying to be a virgin for a while and some of them didn't like that. I've since majorly changed my ways.
9. He has a lot of female friends. His closest male friend is a graphic design/art major. And also a musician and an amazing, straight guy
10. His parents are divorced, and I think he lived with his mom until middle or high school, from like 7 or 8 to 12 or 14. Man, America must have a lot of gay people then
11. He takes his photography *seriously*. He analyzes porn based on the photographic skill and set up more than he does the subject. Thing like "WHY ARE ALL THESE PICTURES OUT OF FOCUS?!"
12. His hair is longer than a lot of girls. Yeah, I know my previous boyfriend had long hair as well, and I had my doubts about him too. I still have long hair, but it is more of a post-Catholic School rebellion.
13. He has two cats, one of which is named for the green power ranger (wasn't he the one everyone thought was gay?). So the cat I named when I was 7 makes me gay. I suppose if I'm born that way... =P
14. The posters in his dorm room were: the great wave of Kanagawa, Nightbirds (the one where all the people are at an old diner), a map of the internet, and the elephant painting of Salvadore Dali. Along with a calendar. His roommate's posters were: the Lend a Hand girls, TuPac, the SI swimsuit calendar, and a football poster. Culture: only gays have it
15. He has a Hello Kitty wallet. and he uses it. lol it was a joke?
16. He likes Eddie Izzard. He has at least 2 if not more DVDs of him. The man is hilarious. If you like British comedy and haven't seen him (probably an empty set, but whatever), definitely check him out
17. He doesn't like alcohol, won't even touch communion wine (he says). Acts revolted whenever I mention it and we actually had a fight once because I sent him a message from Paris saying I was going out to drink absinthe with a group of people (I was on a study abroad, and some of us decided we should). This has been discussed in the thread
18. He adores Dame Judi Dench. Like "has seen almost everything she's been in" adores. She's a great actress. Have you seen her as Lady Macbeth?
19. He has a "thing" for feet, or he did when we first started dating. He actually bought me a pair of strappy sandals to wear. Feet can be cute. *shrugs* Only girls' feet though[b
20. He puns a lot, and almost none are sexual innuendo. Man, I really didn't realize how gay I was until she made this list!
21. He likes to wear suits. (sorry, but do you know any guys who like to wear suits and aren't gay/metro?) Class. She didn't have it
22. I kissed him first. SHE WAS DATING ELSE SOMEBODY AT THE TIME
23. He bought me B&J phish food. and chocolate. and I think he's offered to go get feminine supplies for me at least once. "Ugh, I forgot to get tampons. Can you go get me some?" "Sure." Gaaaay.
24. One of our first outings was to a screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Good Halloween movie and entertaining as hell
25. He actually understands the difference between "mauve" "rose" and "pink". Photography is my hobby - one has to know color
26. His car is, and has always been, cleaner than mine. Even when we took a road trip to Tampa. Even when we had four people crammed in it at Halloween Horror Nights. Always. He says he doesn't stress about it. Then how does it stay clean enough to eat off any surface in the car? Clearly she has low standards for where she'll eat. I've never dusted/washed the inside of my car once in 6 years now
27. He lives in khakis. He rarely wears jeans. (At least he doesn't wear shorts that looks like he stole them from a five-year-old...) and he actually likes wearing Doc Martens. Yeah, khakis that were part of my old school uniform because I was too cheap to buy new pants. Not classy-gay-khakis.
28. He tried to cook for me once (ended up setting the frying pan on fire); the menu consisted of whole-wheat pasta and sauteed bell peppers (red, orange, and yellow), and a salad, i think. "You should do more romantic things for meeee"
29. He lives on (Vegetarian eatery). What man doesn't eat meat for several days at a time? And here I thought the gays ate sausage most days... (That place is a vegetarian all-you-can-eat thing at ____. Delicious cheap food. If you're ever in Gainesville be sure to check it out)
30. He lisps when he speaks in Spanish (although he insists it's considered macho in castillian spanish. I ain't buyin' it). She took French in high school. Figures.
31. His favorite poem is one by Wordsworth about daffodils. Again, good poem
32. He never gets angry. I've seen him cry, but I've never seen him rage. I cried when she gave me a bloody nose. That hurt
33. He said my dorm room felt more like a home to him. I had a fairly feminine room; French prints and photos in the hall, purple-green-bright blue bath stuff, a mock four-poster bed, and posters of trees, a puppy, butterflies and a painting of a cat. Trust me, almost anyone would know the room was occupied by a girl. It felt more home-y to me. In that my walls were cinder-block and hers weren't.
34. He has a waterbed. and all his furniture (except the desk) matches. It "matches" in that it is all vaguely wood-colored.
35. He beats me at scrabble almost every time. I've only won once, and I don't have a poor vocabulary at all. Damn, she got me! The proof I'm gay! lol
36. He names his computers and machinery. The car is Oscar (I think), Marvin is his laptop, and Apollo is his main laptop (which is connected to multiple hard drives and speakers, and generally moves at christmas and spring). The car was because she insisted I have a name for my car because she named hers. No explanation necessary for the computers.
37. He's dating me. Either he's desperate, or I'm a cover. Since he doesn't want sex... See pics.
38. He chews and tries to suck things in his sleep. What's up with that? He claims that it was because he was weaned too early but I've never heard that before. My parents took away my pacifier too soon?
39. I asked him where he wanted to go on vacation once and he said "singapore, because it's so clean". trollface.jpg
40. His favorite books are: old math texts, quantum physics, and encyclopedia brown. At least that I can remember right now. Again, more irrefutable proof!
41. We never really discussed the possibility of getting married beyone the theoretical. lol, I was 18. Also, see pics
42. He almost never said anything about how I was dressed. If he said anything, it might be a vague "you look nice" not "that's sexy" or "that's too revealing" or even "hey I can throw ice cubes into your boobs". "Honey, that dress looks ~FABULOUS!~"
43. He introduced me to Avenue Q songs. It's gotta be Avenue Q for a reason... She'd never heard "The Internet is for Porn". She actually introduced the rest of it to me (listening to it right now though coincidentally)
44. On one occasion, he mentioned that gay men sometimes date a woman, and she's called a "beard" because she hides his real face. I remember thinking at the time it was odd. She was playing the "name that beard" flash game and didn't get the last one. Edit: the game (can be loud, watch your volume) http://www2.b3ta.com/namethatbeard/
45. He has a beard and a mustache that would make any of the Village people proud.
46. He is not macho about his stomach, proclaiming it's cast-iron or anything. Quite the opposite to be honest. I need to lose weight. I know this but am okay with how I am
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48. The most physically affectionate thing we had done normally was "just snuggle". Again, see pics
49. His dorm bed had jersey sheets, a mattress pad, and feather pillows. Actually I said I liked jersey sheets, I didn't actually have them. Also, dorm beds suck - anything to help make sleep easier.

So, is he an odd bird, or a queer bird?

Oh man, I am guilty of SO many of these things. (I know, don't everyone gasp at once.) But item #1 is the test, and the deal breaker. End of conversation.

Dame Judi Dench is damning evidence, this guy is LAVENDER.

23. He bought me B&J phish food. and chocolate. and I think he's offered to go get feminine supplies for me at least once.

Sounds like the dude has a g/f.

I think the first film video we watched together was "Dougal and the Blue Cat"...

why was he still dating her if she had turned so hideous-looking? (the temerity of some women, to not look flawless at all times. i recommend suicide.)

what happened to #s 5 and 47

I guess: A few of the questions were removed for various reasons

xxp For real, I maintain that item #1 tells the whole tale. Dude's a bit of a dick if he'd even think "have you seen her disgusting ass lately" in answer to that accusation. A better response would be, "I don't want to have sex with children."

no way to know, but #1 is her best argument and his weakest defense. spending nearly a year dating someone you aren't in the least sexually attracted to (someone you in fact seem to find physically repulsive) sends up a red flag.

really hope there's still a glimmer of hope for this relationship because these two truly deserve each other

Whereas being unable to rustle up some decent scran is..

There should be a running subtotal on these, Q1 = 100 pluspoints, Q2 = -5points, Q6 would have been -10points except for that he mispelled Tennis as Tenis, which is only one letter off...

these two truly deserve each other

No 19 year old deserves another 19 year old, no matter how awful they are.

trying to figure out what this chick's idea of non-gay is

http://www.cinemablend.com/images/sections/22521/larry_the_cable_guy_22521.jpg

41. We never really discussed the possibility of getting married beyone the theoretical.

lol, I was 18. Also, see pics

dude seems like he has his shit together tbh

if he didn't occasionally reveal his /b/tard cuntishness (such as with response 1) he'd seem quite cool abt this, but no dice

He is gay, though, right?

In his defense on insulting her looks, she did dump him and wrote a novel on how gay he is. Guessing he's bitter.

SCARY.

joyous find, kudos

22. I kissed him first. SHE WAS DATING ELSE SOMEBODY AT THE TIME

What man doesn't eat meat for several days at a time?

Um, healthy one?

18. He adores Dame Judi Dench. Like "has seen almost everything she's been in" adores. She's a great actress. Have you seen her as Lady Macbeth?

this is priceless (and kind of exactly the right response)

if he didn't occasionally reveal his /b/tard cuntishness (such as with response 1) he'd seem quite cool abt this, but no dice

haha "a forum"

This list (and responses) is actually pretty funny.

31. His favorite poem is one by Wordsworth about daffodils.

This one confuses me a bit - what "favourite poems" qualify for the hetero-canon?

I mean, if it were just "He has a favourite poem" it would make more sense.

I was going to (but couldn't remember) post that football one about "we stuffed them", and ends "and now I want you to kiss me full on the mouth" or some such,.

A shame, it would have been a funny.

This one confuses me a bit - what "favourite poems" qualify for the hetero-canon?

― seandalai, Monday, 29 November 2010 17:01 (11 minutes ago) Bookmark

if

^^^

Wedding Dress
by Michael Waters

That Halloween I wore your wedding dress,
our children spooked & wouldn’t speak for days.
I’d razored taut calves smooth, teased each blown tress,
then—lipsticked, mascaraed, & self-amazed—
shimmied like a starlet on the dance floor.
I’d never felt so sensual before—
Catholic schoolgirl & neighborhood whore.
In bed, dolled up, undone, we fantasized:
we clutched & fused, torn twins who’d been denied.
You were my shy groom. Love, I was your bride.

No explanation necessary for the computers.

truth bomb

must admit i kinda want to see the pics :/

If he constantly talks about a big voiced female singer, not for her bangin' looks but for her chart runs, album sales, technicality and relevancy, then yeah.

35. He beats me at scrabble almost every time. I've only won once, and I don't have a poor vocabulary at all. Damn, she got me! The proof I'm gay! lol

haha wait

One imagines her tongue was implanted in her cheek. The alternative is just sad.

nah, it's consistent with other things she's said. her version of straight seems basically to be stupid.

seems fair

If he constantly talks about a big voiced female singer, not for her bangin' looks but for her chart runs, album sales, technicality and relevancy, then yeah.

*sneaks out of Rolling Pop 2010*

don't look back ;_;

Both of these people come across as horrible human beings, but I think hers is slightly worse - mostly because, as someone noted above, a small portion of his actions can be defended as bitterness and reacting to being slandered all over the internet. Its pretty obvious that if he was dumber, watched more sports, and ignored her - she'd have much fewer doubts about his sexuality.

wanna see pics of both, tbh

Is this going to turn into the new "So Not Going To Happen" thread (or whatever it was called)?

I have no idea whats supposed to be heteronormative anymore I guess. Either that or these people are both just dumb kids... o wait...

Again, see pics is my new favourite comeback.

I don't understand this list

where is "he likes to suck cock" entry

he tried to cook pasta once? that's gay?

well yeah but see it was WHOLE WHEAT and he also served SALAD

FAG

god it's like she's never even read a smoove b column

dunno what's sadder, that the girl thinks he was gay because he wasn't a dumb normal dude and was kind of a dick to her, or that it sounds like he really is kind of a dick anyway

I think it's kind of funny that many of these bones of contention revolve around her asking him to do something, him attempting it or actually doing it, and her wondering if that makes him gay.

Something about this thread title makes me think it is a headline to one of those shitty Yahoo features about relationships that people on here love to poll.

lol "people"

it's mostly me, you can totally call me out for it

Downside to knitting gf: talks about it a lot, brings her latest project to movies/etc. to work on whenever there's downtime

Some of the negativity here might be the annoyance of being in the presence of someone who can't sit still/stand not to be "doing something"? If someone else is agitated (or you read them as "agitated") you might find it hard to relax, yourself.

Personally I don't see why I should ever be bored, even if my partner wants to do something not particularly interesting to me...but the partner shouldn't get all offended that I'm not 100% engaged with his or her choice of activities. If you want me to be super into it, let me choose something else.

Or maybe I just like knitting during a movie.

I don't know how to knit, btw. That last part was hypothetical.

I think #9 is getting overlooked

awww

fuck both of these people imo

i honestly don't think I could bring myself to fuck either one...

yeah, neither comes off well here really but I'm grimly fascinated with what they look like all the same, need to be able to picture these two in fist-flinging, scarf-knitting action if you know what I mean . . .

fwiw I am on good terms with the (last) girlfriend I had when I was 16 who "turned me gay".

As obnoxious as this list is, I'm still left with the impression that the guy is protesting rather too much.

ugh, both of these people make me ill.

List also reminds me of a top pet hate (which is a really c. 2004 pet hate but still) of people treating "metrosexuality" like it is a sexual preference.

My favorite:

20. He puns a lot, and almost none are sexual innuendo.

You know how I know you're gay? Your puns never end with "gameCOCKS, get it?!"

Where can I find the elephant painting of Salvadore Dali

http://i55.tinypic.com/2v94pyu.jpg

dorm room classic

"classy-gay-khakis" = the new fit from Gap for Spring 2012

xpost, Matt...lol yeah, I meant that the way it's written reads like a pic of Dali painted by an elephant... Or a painting of Dali as an elephant

maybe she just meant a really awesome painting of Dali's and "elephant" means awesome to her.

painting, that's where Salvador is an elephant.

Lol "OMG that's so elephant!!! Squee!!!"

Dude really sounds like the passive-aggressive type who would act less and less interested in the relationship until she finally dumps him.

In that case, mission accomplished, but her being all angry about it is kind of part of the package.

I just can't get my head around all of the behaviours that this girl qualifies as 'gay'.

Kudos for the backwards inclusiveness of her definition. *shrug* We're all gay! Hooray!

Oh and if anyone finds a portrait of Salvador Dali as an elephant, let me know. I simply MUST have it.

27. He lives in khakis. He rarely wears jeans. (At least he doesn't wear shorts that looks like he stole them from a five-year-old...) and he actually likes wearing Doc Martens. Yeah, khakis that were part of my old school uniform because I was too cheap to buy new pants. Not classy-gay-khakis.

Before this list, I didn't realize that khakis were de rigueur for gay men. Someone should tell my dad.

Had no idea liking to wear Docs made you gay, either.

A friend's dad called my DM 1460s 'fruit boots' once when I was a teenager.

Which was a new one to me, as I'd always been more worried about someone getting a skinhead connotation from them.

khakis and DMs = gay => everyone who lived through 1997 is gay iirc

These, milo?

http://www4.images.coolspotters.com/photos/182986/dr-martens-1460-8-eye-boot-little-flowers-profile.jpg

http://images.channeladvisor.com/Sell/SSProfiles/22001016/Images/57/DM1460ValentineRose-3.jpg

I still wear DMs on the regular.

I dated this girl for a while who was president of the Gay Straight Alliance at her school and so talking about gay issues and culture was just part of our daily thing. After we broke up, I'm pretty sure that I botched my first potential rebound encounter by bringing up too much gay stuff in conversation (incl. a testimonial to Eddie Izzard's comic talents, iirc).

"...so see, he's an action transvestite!"

A lot of people in this world say "no regrets!" but if I could go back in time, I'd punch almost every version of myself I came across.

khakis and DMs = gay => everyone who lived through 1997 is gay iirc

fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me

A lot of people in this world say "no regrets!" but if I could go back in time, I'd punch almost every version of myself I came across.

I feel the same way. After about the age of seven I became pretty worthless and annoying. 8-25 year old me definitely deserves an asskicking.

You and God are both so harsh on the post-8-year-olds of this world.

I've said it before, but once again: My kids, age 12 and 10, are way more sussed and cool/likeable than I ever was.

Ha, DMs are "fruit boots", my parents thought they were work boots! I can't imagine what they might call "fruity", a guy in ballet shoes maybe? Ordinary people wear similar boots where I grew up. I mean unless they have flowers all over them, which they didn't in the eighties, how are they fruity? They might scare away people who try to beat you up!

if the boots literally had pictures of fruit all over them then i may have solved this mystery.

Yeah, the only person I know who owned Docs prior to 1992 or so was my friend's dad, who was in auto-repair. I think he was primarily into Chicago, music-wise

fuck both of these people imo

― for the next throbbing minutes (corey), Tuesday, 30 November 2010 01:22 (Yesterday) Bookmark

Some of my older relatives assumed any article of clothing/accessory that they would not have personally chosen to wear was fruity. "What are you wearing? Black dungarees? Are you some kind of fruit, son?"

That was my impression. Stereotypically blue collar clothes on a student going to class? Fruity.

i still wear docs all the time too, maybe thats why i cant get no ass from my wife. She thinks im a gay.

r u sure u havent mentioned that already?

my gay friends dont wear docs.

I feel the same way. After about the age of seven I became pretty worthless and annoying. 8-25 year old me definitely deserves an asskicking.

There's a quote from a famous author that there is no decent man who, if he could, would not greet his twenty-seven-year old self by spitting in his face.

That's just brutal. I cannot think of a time in my life so far when what I really needed is more self loathing.