Hypothetical Scenario #43: Seafood Section D.J.

*delicately avoids stepping on crabby puns in spanish-riding-school- horsey-hooves stylie*

Perch *aaaggghh, crunch* casually on the counter, taking lavish glugs of red whilst Divine Comedy's Seafood Song loops majestically with Shuttleworth's Save The Whale. Review sales performance after six months, discounting seasonal trends, obviously.

OR... Coyote Ugly Style - half a dozen Saturday staff up there on the ice and FRUGGIN'!. That I'd like to see.

I luuuurrvvve fishy seafood displays in supermarkets. But I NEVER buy. Hence the question, s'pose..

I buy my seafood at Pike Place (*not* the one where they throw the fish, though), which provides street musicians as background music. So fish buying music there means a-capella gospel singing, or bagpipes, or out of tune guys with guitars.

My patter would consist of Homer Simpson impressions - "Mmmm, hake" and the like. I would play Fish Fry by Big Black, Sushi by Deep Dish, Fish And Chips by Denim, Fish 'n Chips (sic) by Hardfloor, Roast Fish & Cornbread by Lee Perry, Swordfish by the X-Men, Give A Man A Fish by Arrested Development, Beside The Fish by Ivor Cutler, I Love Your Sushi by Daphne & Celeste, Plankton by Dylan & Facs (do we sell plankton?), Saturday Night Fish Fry by Louis Jordan, Catfish Blues by BB King, Mexican Seafood by Nirvana, Corn Fish Dub by the Upsetters, You're Not The Only Oyster In The Stew by Fats Waller, One Shark One Piranha by Mark B & Blade, Dolphins by Billy Bragg, Harsh Shark by Campag Velocet, On Green Dolphin Street by Miles Davis, Cold Fish by the Dead Kennedys, Catfish by Bob Dylan, Squid Law by the Fall, Jellyfish Head by the Happy Flowers, Fish Tail Blues by Wynonie Harris, Squeal Like An Eel by the Holmes Brothers, The Porpoise Song by the JAMMs, Filter Fish by Leftfield, Just Like a Fish by Esther Phillips, Greenland Whale Fisheries by the Pogues, Salt Water Fish by Ruby (a remix), Aquarium by Marc Smith, The Fish by Big Mama Thornton, Pikes by Paul Van Dyk, Drifting Like Whales In The Darkness by Sven Vath, and Fish & Bird by Tom Waits (as a cross-promotion with the poultry department, obviously).

Is Jambalaya something to do with fish? If so, we can throw in some versions of that too - I have ones by Hank Williams, Jerry Lee Lewis, George Jones, the Meters, Emmylou Harris and Fats Domino.

I imagine sales would skyrocket.

Anything by Marillion.

Nothing by Phish

don't forget to check out the blue marlin special, this week at $6.98 a pound he's big he's blue he's marlin and you KNOW you cannot resist but now okay we're gonna kick off another three in a row from Poco...

Underwater Rhymes by Digital Underground plus what's that novelty record where the guy tells the story about a girl and every word is a seafood pun?? "don't be shellfish" etc. There's a chorus in it, I think, which may have lady singers.

"Wet Dream" by Kip Addotta?

hahaha that's it. his delivery is perfect - each clunker drops with a mix of equal parts pride and embarrassment, like he can't believe he's doing this - who else would try it?

I think he later did a sequel to that one, involving vegetables, but I can't remember the name...

I'm very fond of "mm...hake"

I am just listening to a great track on the new Ninja Tune silly- price sampler by Mr Scruff. It is called Shrimp, so that is another for my playlist.

you should get Mr Scruff's 'Shanty Town' (about whales) and 'Fish' tracks too. especially the latter