Coming to terms with your own mediocrity

I guess I'll preface this by saying that I've been depressed on/off for most of my life (more on than off). As I try to understand my depression, I come to the conclusion that it stems from the fact that I am mediocre in almost all ways. I will probably never be a rock star, amazing writer, successful businessman, or even a pillar in the community. None of my hard work ever translates into anything worthwhile. I am, in short, nothing special. And the world reminds me of my third-rate status every moment of every day. I am trying to come to terms with this fact, but it's hard for me. I would like some advice from anyone who has successfully faced this.

cultivate your heart-quality

eventually you'll level-up and gain new powers which are less mediocre

i may be too mediocre to understand what you're saying

i think you're being too hard on yourself.

I will probably never be a rock star, amazing writer, successful businessman, or even a pillar in the community

none of these are necessarily good ways to value yourself. being kind, sensitive, caring, attuned to the interests and vulnerabilities of others, quick to offer assistance or a kind word are all traits that elevate someone above "mediocrity." so does having verve, style, undisciplined creativity, and dozens of other traits.

This was a major thing to come to terms with for me over the past couple of years. I'll never be a great scholar or intellect. I'll just be fine eking out a small living for myself.

if yr cool with being 'mediocre' then you can still distinguish yrself in the eyes of others by being exceptionally chill/easygoing.

if yr not cool with it but think it's unavoidable u can distinguish yrself by being exceptionally intense (but still mediocre) — do not go gently etc etc

(I only kid because it hurts)

yeah now I'm more interested in just connecting with people, being amiable and keeping it positive rather than trying to impress like when I was a teenager — I guess this is the trend for a lot of ppl as they age

none of these are necessarily good ways to value yourself. being kind, sensitive, caring, attuned to the interests and vulnerabilities of others, quick to offer assistance or a kind word are all traits that elevate someone above "mediocrity." so does having verve, style, undisciplined creativity, and dozens of other traits.

maybe. but we live in a society where those things don't matter unless they translate into a commodifiable skill or status-conferring quality. all i do is constantly compare myself to others and realize that i'm just not stacking up. i feel like such a loser.

a.) I think some version of this is just sort of part of growing up for most people (realizing that probably you won't be X.Y, or Z amazing thing you might have dreamed of, because most people aren't); and b.) one of my favorite things about reading about people who I think are geniuses is realizing that even a lot of them are constantly beset by self-doubt and feeling like they in one way or another are falling short -- because it shows that that's a sort of natural human thing to feel, and not even a bad one. It helps keep you sort of grounded on the one hand and, hopefully, always trying to sort of do more or do better on the other.

And the good thing is, if you can let go of worrying too much about any of that stuff, you can enjoy an awful lot of things about life. (I realize that enjoying a lot of things about life is difficult if you're prone to depression, since I have good friends and family members who are. So I don't mean to preach happy talk here. But to whatever extent feelings of mediocrity or inadequacy are contributing to the depression, it might help to just accept them and let go of them as much as possible.)

coming to terms with your thread's bummerosity

all i do is constantly compare myself to others and realize that i'm just not stacking up.

everyone can do that. lots of people you wouldn't expect to do that do that. you have to have some faith in your own self-worth and value.

Your original post is great.

Best advice I can give to anyone: find a job where you love the people you work with. (Not literally--you know what I mean.) If you're happy going to work each day, you will never feel mediocre.

yeah, everyone does do that -- like when you sit there and think about some famous person like "you already have $50 million dollars, what do you need more money for?" it's cuz comparison is all relative -- it's easy i guess for us to answer our own rhetorical question by saying "well shit that person is rich/famous etc" but almost everyone feels inadequate compared to their peers

I feel like these elevated expectations happen a lot to people who have a clear sense that they're above average in various ways, and then realize that so are a signif number of other people. It's hard to feel distinguished in the larger world when you see it like that.

But we don't rly live in the "larger world," we live in the world as however we see it. There's a lot to be said for fooling yourself, and I mean that in the nicest way. You can choose to make yr world different than it is by building value in other stuff, like the people above said.

Whoops xposted cos I'm typing slowly on phone.

clemenza otm

maybe. but we live in a society where those things don't matter

"Society" is generally a load of crap that's not worth the comparison. Experience good books/music/visuals and try to be conscious enough to recognize Art when it flashes past, have good conversations, enjoy silence when you're lucky enough to find it, discard the rest.

Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself against other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.

haha. my favorite:

Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.

Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

This point has been made a couple of times already, I think, but if I can maybe put it slightly differently: this is about perspective. Your life is your life. It is the only life you have. It is the only chance this universe is giving you, and it is rich and colorful and full of flavors of experience beyond measure. Maybe you (or I) will never see the skyscrapers in Shanghai, maybe they won't argue about something you've done in the pages of the New Yorker, maybe your obituary will have to be placed by family instead of being written in advance by all the wire services.

So what? Your life is your life. It is the only one you have. Take in the richness of what you have before you, even in the pain and sadness and difficulty, because no one else in the history of the universe will ever have precisely that experience, and you have a responsibility to yourself to be aware of it. I've found that when we look with a cleaner lens at the people and things in our lives they can appear brighter and more wonderful than we might have imagined. If that's 'mediocrity,' give it to me in spoonfuls.

Yes. :) You're the only you there is. And the more you see yr worth reflected by the people you've chosen to care for, the more valuable and secure yr place as yourself in the world becomes.

FUNDAMENTALLY A REITERATION OF WHAT A LOT OF OTHERS HAVE SAID ON THIS THREAD, BUT THEY'RE RIGHT:

Don't let yourself be guided by other people's standards, even if you choose to identify other people as "society". Just learn who you are and live accordingly. The world will catch up.

so did you (ilx, not just res) ever feel special? when, for how long, and why did it stop (if it has)?

And res for what it's worth I say all that as someone who has dealt with pretty serious depression throughout life and, a few years ago, was kinda obsessed with 'making an impact in the world.' I had no idea what kind of impact I wanted to make, I didn't know how I was going to make one, but I knew I HAD TO MAKE ONE or my life would be WORTHLESS.

In the time since I've come to recognize that the smaller impacts we make every day are more than worth their weight.

I'm certainly not perfect in many ways, but there are definitely aspects of my life where I refuse to settle, and while that can be the primary source of stress for me, it can also be awesome at times. Perhaps I have yet to reach enlightenment about this and perhaps I will never be truly satisfied, but right now I am not ready to compromise on these things.

I believe that you can feel this way and still be a "good", useful person, so long as you are not ignoring your responsibility to others.

I don't feel "special", but I certainly feel "different". I assume everyone does? Or most peoPle.

I don't think embracing your life has to mean settling for less than your best!

Never mistake comfort for complacency.

Like, I went through this thing where I was like "OK, I'm ok with not being a Famous Writer now, so I guess I can quit working on this collection of poems and let the novel rot," and then a couple of months later I realized how narrow-minded that was: learning contentment with your life and striving for greatness are not mutually exclusive.

actually i think admrl is probably special? dunno

I didn't say it was but I do sometimes regard my "best" as that which I have yet to achieve rather than something I am certain I am capable of.

totally

I have been told I'm special, tbh. I just didn't wanna rock the boat.

The small contribution is not worth less than the large one. Besides which, who's to say which is smaller or larger?

i think that most people i actually know are special, tbh, just in different ways

Let's not revive the thread where my perfectly innocent remarks got me accused of being a cynical type-A who doesn't want to be friends with "losers"

oh yeah i don't know any losers

sorry i was not at all insinuating! but there are some awfully talented and yes, special, ppl on ilx. it is sometimes daunting

http://www.charityadvantage.com/We_The_WorldHFZJEA/images/You-can-do-anything.gif

Totally repeating everything that everyone else said, but goddammit I AM SPECIAL (lol) - Keep your world small -- your effect on the lives of the people who are close to you is worth a lot, and has a much bigger impact than you'll ever give yourself credit for. Measuring yourself by the standards that the 'world' sets is easy, and depressing, because you'll never measure up. Do good in your day to day life, listen, be curious, never assume that you know all there is to know, be ready with a smile and the rest will come. All you can do is be the best you that you can be, because the rest just doesn't matter.

/super easy to say/write, much harder to pull off. But good to strive for.

is anyone up in this bitch into frederick exley's "a fan's notes"? it is essentially a rumination on mediocrity.

Because I actually do now some people like that, and obv they are pretty insufferable at times

is anyone up in this bitch into frederick exley's "a fan's notes"? it is essentially a rumination on mediocrity.

and being a sports fan, and a drunk, and fucked up every other way

more prescient every day

love that book so much

read it years ago and dont remember . . . nearly any of it, if any of it, tbh

Pretty sure the people who have invested the most in me, namely my parents, wish I thought I was MORE special and set higher goals for myself, but I don't rly care about that. I get more satisfaction from being special TO people, the people I choose to invest in.

at this point i have just accepted that my life will forever be me oscillating between

-being overly pompous & oblivious to my own mediocrity
-being self-defeating & overly aware of my own mediocrity
-being 'ok' with my own mediocrity

and also sometimes i get uneasy about the mediocrity of my surroundings & blame everything on that. kind of shitty & annoying but whatever, there is i think something rejuvenating and ultimately not too depressing about the process. coziness in mediocrity. it's frustrating to be forever at the whim of pathetic & self-aware forces, but for me it's lessened by the reassurance that it's always transitive

this thread is like a big hug

xpost Laurel I feel the same way!

tbh the best answer for this is (imo) following the catechisms of rrrobyn... seems just in tune with shit that people should be in tune with.

I would like to confirm and celebrate this wisdom.

Yeah, so true.

So I just read somewhere that happy people are healthier, and people with the most friendships/connections to a variety of people in a variety of ways get sick less. So the more connected we are, the more different functions we perform for others, emotionally or w/e, the better our physical bodies work. On average.

Which raises the question, why haven't I come down with an incurable disease this year?

I am audaciously certain that, if such rankings were available, I would rank somewhere in the top 300 million people alive today!

Hey, if you ranked in the top 300 million people alive, you'd be at the 95th percentile or above. Not bad! :)

I guess it's like that thing where if you're one in a million, there are 7000 other people just like you.

Also, I am working on a ranking of every person alive and it is taking FOREVER

i'm coming to terms with your mediocrity

I am audaciously certain that, if such rankings were available, I would rank somewhere in the top 300 million people alive today!

― Aimless, Friday, December 24, 2010 4:28 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark

i love this dude

me too.

Haha totes

aw <3 you guys, too kind
any wisdom i've got comes only from a certain kind of broad-spectrum 'suffering' made manageable by other people (wise or less wise), small joys in the everyday, and this gd optimism I can't seem to shake no matter how existential my thoughts might get. But life is more like a spiral than a rising and falling line, I mean we'll go over the same ground but with the right kind of reflection and input and just plain work, we'll rise further above it and it won't be such a thing.

I really do think that everyone is special! A lot of people are numbed out to that fact abt themselves or have a warped idea of what special means, as if to be all that means someone else shouldn't/can't be. We've got a lot of false logic and info to unlearn/change, but it's part of who we are too! Honour the shadow, honour the light, keep on moving.

as Ned's xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxpost exemplifies, the best way to gauge your worth to/impact on the world is to think of specific instances in your life when people have suggested that you're headed in the right direction. your self-image is bound to be a lot more trustworthy when it's based on real people and real events than when it's rooted in a general sense of worth or worthlessness. acknowledging that you're gotten a lot of bad reviews on your writing (without ignoring whatever positive feedback you've gotten) is healthy, because then you have a concrete starting point for self-improvement. but labelling yourself a mediocre writer because you have a vague sense that your writing isn't special is (in addition to being a tautology) much less helpful, because in that case your judgment has little to do with the writing itself and everything to do with your depression. abstract, quiet, reflection upon your place in the world has its value, but it's no substitute for just walking up to someone, asking what they think of you, and using their answer to shape your future.

that I don't follow my own advice often enough is evident if you read my other posts on this thread, but on most days I'm at least willing to try.

There's a lot of thoughtful writing on this thread, so I'm not trying to be glib here--I really do believe in the power that something like this has to cheer up anybody, under almost any circumstances (too much so, one of my own disconnects with the world):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY_6b4-N9Uo

ILX is boss when u r sad. Thoughtful smart hugsy ppl, each and every one.

Can relate to sentiments on this thread a lot. Lame and all as it is I still dream of fame, but I can't say I know what one direction or area I should focus on to achieve it.

It's made more frustrating by the fact that I do good media job in a company that most people who do what I do would prob love to work with.

I think for some people my job would provide a huge sense of achievement, yet to me it's just a job I can feel fine with at the end of a day, one I don't dread doing, and also one I can tell people about and it sounds (more) interesting (than it is)

Not that that's easy to find I totally accept, I prob sound stupid complaining. But the fact is you know when you're using or not using parts of your abilities.

What I've been trying to do, and maybe this advice will help you, is to get back into lots of hobbies and see where that takes me.

So I go running a lot (pre arctic UK weather anyway), I've joined a book club, trying to do some drama, and have lots of other things lined up for the new year.

What I'm finding, and it's an ongoing battle, is that this fight will remind you that you are your own person.

Lots of people are in your predicament and every time one of them acts surprised/interested as you tell them you ran 7 miles, did an audition, are learning to play the kotsozumi or whatever, you'll feel you are changing and growing.

I don't know if any of the things I'm doing will lead to new fulfilment work wise, but I think you can get a lot out of that feeling of growth.

Above all I recommend the exercise, since I started running I have a much bigger faith in life, for whatever reason. Nobody can take being able to run a big long distance away from you, it's got a v weird effect.

Also change other things, get a new haircut, buy weird clothes, do everything you can to remind yourself of who you are or what you like about self.

Let your moments of self reflection and self indulgence be about the book you're reading, or the clothes you're wearing.

I know some of the above isn't going to make you famous/successful, but I do believe it could make you feel better.

Just wanted to say that I totally understand where res is coming from, especially having to find a job these days. Being turned down job interview after job interview really triggers that mediocrity synapse center bigtime.

Otoh, lots of great advice above.

one of my favorite things about reading about people who I think are geniuses is realizing that even a lot of them are constantly beset by self-doubt and feeling like they in one way or another are falling short -- because it shows that that's a sort of natural human thing to feel, and not even a bad one

yes, so much. ever read joan didion on writer's block?

I've got this figured out. Crossing over from the Serenity Now/Festivus thread, we come on here, en masse, and air our grievances with res. That's all you really need to work through this.

(I have a habit of trying to joke my through everything. Keep your head up, and have a nice Christmas.)

Why would writers feel self-important at all when literacy is an enormous global problem that is barely acknowledged by the media? Some pop writer like Stephen King or J.K. Rowling has had a greater social impact than whatever is in the New York Review of Books. This should be encouraging, someone from an ordinary background could probably achieve that level of quality with hard work and time.

res, are you familiar with malcolm gladwell's 'outliers'? what he argues about success might make you feel a little better

http://www.bostonherald.com/blogs/lifestyle/step_up/?p=464

like other people in this thread I too have had the desire to be famous, to be recognized for my talents. what helps is to realize that, like for 99% of famous people out there, they are just ordinary people who chanced upon some opportunity that let them became famous. they 'happened to be at the right place at the right time.' it helps if you look at pictures of movie stars before they were famous.

it also helps to realize that there are immensely talented people out there who are willing and content to toil away in relative obscurity, and that there are small and mediocre people getting attention far and beyond what they deserve. life!

also, 99% of famous people out there are fucking lamers

I often think about an anecdote I read about diddy, almost sure it was on this message board, about how he hates waking up and feeling that crust of mucus and slime covering the lips. something about no matter how rich and famous you get, you're still not gonna escape the limitations of your body.

Famous =/= not mediocre. In fact, I'd think it'd be just as hard if not harder to be famous knowing you're famous only because you're mediocre!

One of my favorite magazine articles of all time was an EW profile of the star of "Nick Freno: Licensed Teacher," at the time the lowest rated show on television. The gist was basically the guy admitting that if this is what life on the bottom is like, life on the bottom is good!

There are people who do enormous things for humanity but who aren't famous and are never recognized for it. Fame worship is scary, if the famous person fails the admirer becomes hostile. Some people act like those they admire are their wife or something.

I am, in short, nothing special. And the world reminds me of my third-rate status every moment of every day. I am trying to come to terms with this fact, but it's hard for me. I would like some advice from anyone who has successfully faced this.

how bout hearing from someone--an old coot like me, fer instance--who's UNSUCCESSFULLY (mostly) dealt with such matters?

word to the wise(-ass):

1) experience (good/bad/indifferent--doesn't really matter all that much in the end, tbh) is its own just reward. live for it.
2) don't take it too hard (ie, life and all the inherent problems/obstacles it will no doubt toss yer way). and always keep in mind that "this too shall pass" ... eventually.
3) Prozac helps (talkin' from hard experience here; not at all trying to be snarky)!
4) listen to more metal (hey, it does wonders for me!).
5) if ya got and/or can get it, smoke it.
6) above all, try to find some amusement in everyday living (pets can be of enormous help/comfort in this regard--just try feeling down on yerself when you've got a playful pup demanding yer immediate attention, why dontcha).
7) nothing matters, and what if it did? (j/k)

I'll back up LG's exercise advice. There's a strong correlation between periods in my life full of happiness/productivity/high energy levels and periods of my life when I've done Pilates regularly (or some kind of strenuous physical activity).

Mediocrity is such a subjective term, too. I try and compare it to musical tastes. Like there are tons of musicians out there with SICK chops or massive fame who only seem to be able to make interminably boring music, but countless great artists who make great music simply because they do it their own way.

xxxp

One important thing, I think, is to learn to take seriously and appreciate kindness when you receive it. The acclaim of the masses or whatever is going to be out of most people's reach, but tbh I feel plenty good if someone just tells me they like my shirt. Or, on a more serious level, if one or two people say they like something I've written or said or done, etc. One thing I learned early on in journalism was to save every nice letter or note I get -- I forget who told me this, some grizzled vet or other. When someone's bitching at you or you're feeling shitty or self-doubtful, you can always pull those out and remember that somebody appreciated you enough to tell you. I also learned this in sort of the obverse by growing up and watching how my dad dealt with compliments. He's depressive by nature, and so even though he sort of I think craves approval and approbation, he also has a hard time accepting it -- he would tend to find some reason that some compliment or other didn't really mean that much -- because the person was stupid, or insincere, or just didn't know what they were talking about, etc.

For example, every year around Christmas I remember a note I got very early on in my career (which I still have in a box somewhere). I had written a little noir parody for our weekly paper, "12 Days of Christmas" by way of Raymond Chandler, and I got this handwritten card from a priest at the local Catholic university telling me that he had sat down Christmas Eve by the fireplace in his apartment and been thumbing through the paper and read my thing and had enjoyed it immensely. He went on to recommend to me the books of James M. Cain. The whole idea of that, the noir-fan priest by the fireplace reading what I had written on Christmas Eve, still makes me happy. And that he took the trouble to tell me, I'll always appreciate. You have to take these things where you get them.

Read Middlemarch (if you haven't already)

the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

It's a cliche set down like that - at the end of such a great book, it's symphonic....

I'm nearing the age of 26 and coming to accept that I was never hip and I'm perfectly fine with being tasteless and liking stuff that everyone else hates.

Best advice I can give to anyone: find a job where you love the people you work with. (Not literally--you know what I mean.) If you're happy going to work each day, you will never feel mediocre.

^^^

true wisdom, dis bit o' advice.

and not to get corny/new age-y or anything like that, but i DO believe that almost everybody CAN be excellent at SOMETHING. it's really a question of whether one wants to invest the time and energy in becoming excellent at a given activity. if one does, great. if not, then that's OK too if one really DOESN'T want to become excellent at whatever and is comfortable just getting along.

Aaron Altman: "Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive?"

tipsy mothra's post is wonderful!

Everyone can be excellent at something, I feel sorry for people who have no inner moral compass and who are dependent on others' estimation of their "success" as a person. Being recognized or told that you are special does not equal being effective or special. Take it from someone who has been around the so-called "fortunate" and "talented" and found them depressing and stifling and frankly duller than some of my high school friends who didn't graduate from college at all.

"I am mediocre in almost all ways. I will probably never be a rock star, amazing writer, successful businessman, or even a pillar in the community."

it's not often that cynicism can be a soothing salve (it's an xmas miracle!), but mediocrity appears to be a defining characteristic of all those things,
and it's clear that if you want to succeed, your time is better spent cultivating contacts than excellence, so be of good cheer, and network like a madman!

all y'all who have found any kind of popular success in a tossed-off piece that you have no high regard for, while your proudest efforts languish in obscurity, back me up.

Do people still want to be "rock stars"? Most people on the charts now are rappers or singers. Most of the music charts are occupied by black people these days. Does the type of person who used to dream of being a rock star now lie in bed and say "I hope I turn black some day"?

no, i'll shove a golden dome up your butt (u s steel), I don't think that's what people do.

I am mildly amused at how us steel's trolling has a sort of languid 'thinking out loud' sensibility to it. It's kind of nice.

i feel the same way about sarah palin (a mediocrity success story if there ever was one)

this thread rings true for me in a lot of ways, whenever i feel like i'm frittering away instead of building up or working towards some conception i have of "greatness" that i see in other ppl and want to attain for myself as well (which is largely along the lines of 'i want to be a brilliant thinker or innovator, how do i shot genius', etc). and then i get bummed when i think of all the things i haven't done or haven't learned how to do yet in the 26 years and change i've been around. but i also realized recently that, you know, i have ONLY been around for 26 years and change; i'm JUST GETTIN' STARTED

100 xposts, but god 'A Fan's Notes' is such a great read

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5lZ4czTR4o

Enjoy the things you do. Do the things you enjoy. Make conscious time every day in which to do this. Try and make it so you enjoy your job and are connected to your outputs (the fruits of your labour). I cook, I listen to music, I cycle, I talk, I write from time to time, I take photographs. I'm not exceptional at any of these but I'm good enough to please myself and feel proud every so often. Take compliments; consider whether you compliment others meaninglessly or as a lie and if you don't, I doubt you do, apply that thought to everyone else's compliments. But mostly, love people. Whether it's a deep romantic lifelong passion and companionship or just taking pleasure everyday in the things people around you do, love people. Being a rock star or a lauded writer won't make you happy. We're not here to do that. We're not here to do anything other than exist, so, as Hoos said, we owe it to ourselves to make that existence happy (and I don't necessarily mean delirious at every turn). Get over yourself. Enjoy doing things. Love people. Laugh. Breathe clean air an appreciate it. Whether I'm mediocre or not seldom if ever crosses my mind these days. Why should it? I can eat tiramisu that I made myself, I can stroke my cats, listen to beautiful music, cycle till my legs ache, love my wife, walk through a beautiful snowy landscape, and enjoy the company of my friends and family and colleagues.

Merry Christmas.

:') Lovely.

<3

I guess on average, human happiness, across the world, declines during 30s and early 40s, generally hits a nadir in the mid-forties, and then climbs back up again, to the point that people in their 60s and 70s are actually happier (again, on average) than when they were younger.

Oh, that's interesting. The 1.5 years of my 30s have so far been much happier than my 20s (which were better than my teens and got progressively better as they went on).

I think I'd actually be pretty surprised if most people's 30s were less happy than their teens.

I've 18 months in my 30s and they've been way better than my teens and twenties.

^^^ 7 and a half years in my 30s and despite unemployment and some other issues I feel better than I ever have. I'm really being myself a lot more now, and being comfortable with that, rather than being worried sick about people finding out what I'm 'really' like as I was in my teens/20s.

Do people still want to be "rock stars"?

No, everyone wants to look like an anime character.

a lot of good stuff on this thread. but just throwing my own two cents in:

i am underemployed, working part time for a fashion company and being a staff writer a few places. i also do some p0rn and stuff on the side. at first, i was like 'FUCK I HAVE A MASTER'S DEGREE WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE,' then i slowly realized that i actually like having free time, that i'm not always tired, and that i have a lot of friends who are in the same boat and we all love each other. also, my friend (and ex) told me a bit ago, 'what do you want to do? you can do it right now. everything is always changing. set your own path for yourself, fuck the rest of the world.' which is treacly in a way, but good advice in the end.