I wrote a poem, can you tell me if its good ?

but where's the reference to john cage here!!!

Sorry, lad. I can't say that it is a very strong effort.

The eggs are presented in a too much attenuated fashion and lack presence. Nor is it clear what connection the fact that the shells are put in the same bowl or then discarded has to the culmination of the thought.

Let yourself slather on a few dozen more words, get sensual with it, develop the feel of the drama, the actors, the grand progression to the towel snap at the end. Then get out your red pencil and cut back on the excess twiddly bits until you're back at the core of the poem.

Anthony, don't listen to that retard, Little Nipper. Drama is seldom the goal or function of poetry, at least not since 1900…jeez. "Towel Snap", what the hell, Little Nipper sounds like some chain smoking 80 year old acting coach. Anything can be a character in a poem, not only a personage. Language itself can be a “character”, and all its attributes.

That doesn't mean that the poem doesn't have problems, though. You might recognize that a poem follows some argument through a series of likenings, resolutions, and dissimulations. Maybe if you employ metaphors more visually acute, or that lead one away from the egg and “me”, toward generalities(parasitism-consumption- awareness,whatever etc), or particulars that involve a movement along the same vein of attribute or functionality(similar actions taken on different objects, or vice versa), you can give the poem a richer imagery and trope.

By the way, what poets do you like?

Craig - do you have a brother, who lives in America, called Gordon?

I think the last 2 lines are the weakest, and the final question amrk is particularly out of place.

The meta-question, 'can any of us seriously judge each others' poetry?' is an interesting one, though. Poetry is peculiarly hard to judge unless perhaps very very bad.

While you may be right, Craig, I think you will find in later life that using the descriptive "retard" always tends to diminish the force of your criticisms.

b-b-but there are precedents! good ones!

dear tommy,

tht more abt poem. why didn't you make the edits I suggested, you fucking retard?

yours,

ezra

which is why early copies carried the epigraph: il miglior cockfarmer

What about this one?

Picking brambles;
sunshine wilting
on late September shoulders.
'Member the burns and rivers
rubbing water on the browning backs
of me and Stevie Gallacher.
The rain falls
like a curtain call.
Sun ships between clouds
and rainbow roars its encore
to a world that is forever moving on
and leaving Stevie Gallacher
splashing in moving memory.
And me?
I'm picking brambles all the while.

My mental revisions: Picking brambles;
sun: shine wilting
late September shoulders.
'Member the burns and rivers
rubbing water on browning backs
of me and Stevie Gallacher.
rainfalls
like a curtain call.
Sun ships between the clouds
a rainbow roars its encore
to a world that is forever moving on
and leaving Stevie Gallacher
splashing in the air's moving memory.
And me?
picking brambles
all the while.

Sorry

My Mental Revisions:

Picking brambles;
sun: shine wilting
late September shoulders.
'Member the burns and rivers
rubbing water on browning backs
of me and Stevie Gallacher.
rainfalls
like a curtain call.
Sun ships between the clouds
a rainbow roars its encore
to a world that is forever moving on
and leaving Stevie Gallacher
splashing in the air's moving memory.
And me?
picking brambles
all the while.

Which is better? The original or my revision? How do we judge better?

And whose is the revised poem? Mine? Since I added the revisions?

The problem is always largely one of personal taste. For myself I prefer the last line without a break, as this adds a simplicity to the end of the poem which is lost by wilful breaks. Also the curtailment of the word "remember" sounds a bit self-conscious and would have more power if it was left alone.

haha we can ALL judge between two things (as they must FITE etc). prefer the pre-revisions ("and rainbow" to "a rainbow" fits the preceding line; unsure whether "sun: shine" is justified (heh)). but I prefer the end w/linebreaks.

"Member" = the way that Scots say remember. So, ner. And it was not me who wrote it - but I like it. My poem is way worse, haha.