Tony Parsons on Cyclists

And excuse me, but since when did men 'grow out of' masturbation??

To misquote Doug Henning: IT'S A WORLD OF DELUSION!

Car drivers do more harm,certainly, but cyclists infuriatingly take the moral high ground for no good reason.

Pedestrians = put upon victims of this piece.

(I feel satisfied now)

The Other Tim

Tony Parsons is a nephew of Nicholas Parsons - this should be in Antony's thread I guess.

An excerpt:
Well, in accidents involving motor vehicles and cyclists, the motor vehicle is to blame in two thirds of cases - but the cyclist is, unsurprisingly, 37 times more likely to be killed or seriously injured than the motorist. Yet the cyclist has to "prove" negligence to a police officer, often without witnesses. Unfortunately, most road traffic accident cases are in magistrates courts where in 95% of heard cases involving a fatality the driver is charged with "driving without due care and attention". The maximum penalty is a £2,000 fine and a discretionary ban. In fact the typical sentence for a driver who kills is a £250 fine and a few penalty points. One pedestrian a year is killed by a cyclist on the pavement, while 3,500 people die on the roads.

http://www.theguardian.com/media/2013/sep/16/tony-parsons-daily-mirror-sun

Has Parsons always been such a pompous, infantile, reactionary sh*t?

yup.

some extraordinary phil space material from the boy parsons here, just exemplary

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DeNKK1GW0AAJQU9.jpg

HOW did the country that produced Mick Jagger ever come to have an obesity crisis?

Jamie Oliver is usually wheeled out for some well-intentioned finger-wagging whenever there is another bout of hand-wringing about our nation’s ever-expanding waistline.

But Mick, 74, has a 28in waistline.

And Jamie Oliver has not had a 28in waistline since he was 12.

Government ministers should be begging Jagger to come to Downing Street to learn all he knows about nutrition and exercise.

The media should be quizzing Mick for his reflections on current levels of sugar in biscuits and chocolate.

And all of us should be looking at Mick and marvelling at how fit an elderly gent can be.

I saw the Rolling Stones perform twice this week at the London Stadium and Jagger was a leaping, bounding, skipping, run-ning, jumping, jaw-dropping revelation.

And fuelled by nothing stronger than a bowl of pasta, he kept it up for two hours.

We learned this week that half the country will be dangerously overweight by 2045. Only half? Sounds optimistic to me.

But leading the band which once epitomised sex and drugs and rock ’n’ roll — and the debauched history of the Stones is etched deeply into the corrugated faces of Keith Richards and Ronnie Wood — is the man who can teach us all we need to know about staying fit.

Unlike Mick, we don’t have to take up yoga, ballet and kickboxing — but like him, we do have to think about getting our blood pumping every day of our lives.

And unlike Jagger, we do not have to start every day with a smoothie — but we do have to think more about what we are putting into our bodies.

Few of us could ever hope to follow Jagger’s punishing fitness regime, working out for hours most days of the week under the watchful eye of personal trainer Torje Eike.

We don’t have the time, money or indeed fitness levels to keep up with this great-grandfather.

But by having Mick Jagger as a role model, every one of us can be healthier than we are — slimmer, fitter and ready to rock ’n’ roll.

The key to Jagger’s fitness is that everything counts.

If you put good food into your body or if you eat rubbish.

If you make regular demands on your body or just reach for the TV remote.

Jagger gets mocked for his action-packed love life (at 73, he had a son with 29-year-old ballerina Melanie Hamrick) and for his laughter lines — nothing is that funny, Mick!

But if you saw Jagger bouncing about like a 19-year-old this week, then you could not help but take him seriously.

And want a slice of whatever he is having.

So the next time the nation has a panic attack about how fat we are becoming, we need to get Jagger on the case.

For — at the risk of being impolite — when did you ever see Jamie Oliver looking even remotely slim?

But Mick Jagger is still dancing like it is 1969.

And you never see a fat Rolling Stone.

is he paid per carriage return?

classic phil space tactic innit - more paragraph breaks mean you don't have to write as much

he also uses the word 'mick' eight times and 'jagger' 11 times in a 512-word article

How much for the hyphen in run-ning I wonder?

at least £50 i'd reckon

it's always a thrill to see a master at work

that's not even the entirety of that day's column, which goes on to

- tongue-bathe the royal wedding (including the startling sentence “Proof again that GB is an infantilised, escapist nation,” sneered Ugandan-born, Oxford-educated commentator Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, 68)
- reassure jada pinkett-smith that tony would still fuck her even though she's living with alopecia
- admire 'buck-toothed brazilian footballer' ronaldinho's still-functioning penis
- whine about the contempt that the eu has for britain
- reheat the 'isis would behead emily thornberry' controversy
- welcome harry kane to the position of england captain but in the eternal spirit of 'two world wars and one world cup' remind the lad that bobby moore fought tesicular cancer before lofting the jules rimet, actually
- berate historian dan snow for lying to his kids about female spitfire pilots and offer the counterexample of resistance fighter violette szabo, who was, er, famously not a spitfire pilot
- and finally somehow link the failure of solo to katy perry wearing a c3po-inspired dress onstage

it's a tour-de-force, it really is

whatever they're paying him, i can guarantee i would drunk type the same word count for half his money with no loss of controversy

let's not make this a race to the bottom, your half-baked ramblings are worth just as much of rupert murdoch's money as his are

ticking all the boxes with the added bonus of reviving old ILE talking point, the Ronaldinho bottle opener

Government ministers should be begging Jagger to come to Downing Street

this thread has parsons being actively hostile to people riding bicycles and then moaning that we're not very fit as a nation

yeah but when was the last time you saw mick jagger on a bike

Mick Jagger strikes me as someone who is probably lucky not to be on the sex offenders register, yeah but Parson says at least he isn't fat and is very "active" for his age, brilliant. Aye, Jimmy Savile, that cunt was as fit as a butcher's dog and wasn't in a rush to die either!

And you never see a fat Rolling Stone.

Heroin and paedophilia keep you young.

i reread "the boy looked at johnny" a while back and it is kinda amazing how parsons writes about being fit in exactly the tone he + burchill used to write about taking amphetamines

i reread "the boy looked at johnny" a while back

Parsons in '78: Tom Robinson is the future, deal with it.
Parsons in '18: Brexit is the future, deal with it.

glad to be gammony

Came to this thread looking for the Tony Parsehole columns from Viz, was disappointed, let's fix that

http://viz.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Screen-Shot-2014-11-07-at-17.50.04.png

http://viz.co.uk/category/tony-parsehole/

paragraphs too chunky to be the real parsehole imo

I prefer my type of braindead morons to just grunt, when they start doing short paragraphs in a bullet point tabloid style, that convey nothing but hackneyed Tory doctrine. I have to have them put down, alas :p