Search & Destroy: Noises lovers make in bed

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What kind of sounds do you like the people you go to bed with to make? Which noises are a real turn off? Do you like them to groan? Do you prefer them to keep schtum?

― Nick, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

There's that moment when you post a new question and no one has responded yet that you think "Have I just made a mistake?"

― Nick, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Yes, Nick.

Or, indeed, "Yes!", Nick.

Though, not, obviously, "Yes, Nick!". Because my name's not Nick.

― Tom, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Nick, I'm paranoid. Is this thread anything to do with the fact that Ally's coming down from Glasgow tomorrow?

― Madchen, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Apparently I gnash my teeth. Well of course my teeth. I have tried it with my brain but failed miserably.

― nathalie (nathalie), Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Oh shit, you mean during sex? For the record I do not gnash my teeth during (oral) sex.

― nathalie (nathalie), Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Nathalie, I am very RELIEVED.

― Dan Perry, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Dan, I worked that out during therapy. Sigmund said it was penis envy. I replied I was merely hungry. ;-)

― nathalie (nathalie), Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Madchen, I didn't even know you were having sex. No one tells me anything.

― Nick, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Destroy - using someone else's name / an unflattering nickname.

Search - singing (this has not actually happened but I think it would be cool, depending on what they were singing).

― Emma, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

What if they were singing "Come my lady, come come my lady"?

― Tom, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'm not a big fan of noisey sex. Probably because my earliest sexual experiences were mostly done in my bedroom at my parents' house, trying desperately not to wake my mum and dad over in the new wing. Only ages later did I realise that my parents were so used to odd noises coming from my room that I could have been having orgies in there and they wouldn't have cared.

I'm still not keen on noises or talking, unless of course, it's instructions about what one or the other wants done to or with them.

Or cheap one-liners. Jokes during sex = classic.

― Kate the Saint, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

On second thoughts: search - Begging for mercy; destroy - snoring.

― Emma, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Snoring during sex? hahah "Hey honey... wake up, I think I'm coming!"

― nathalie (nathalie), Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Emma, what exactly do you do your men in bed?

― Nick, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Noises from parent's bedroom = monstrous dud. Especially when you're old enough to realise what they are.

― DG, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Nick, this is neither the time nor the place for that kind of detail.

― Emma, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Noises from parent's bedroom = monstrous dud.
For a couple of weeks I slept in the same room as my parents. I was 14.

― nathalie (nathalie), Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

do your men =do to your men

I was just wondering if you were into bending their fingers back and stuff and if it had anything to do with you being single.

When and where is the time and place, anyway?

― Nick, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Yes, Nick, the reason I am single is that word has got around town of the hideous S&M techniques I inflict upon men who I tempt into my boudoir. Bending fingers back would be considered a blessed relief to some of my victims, believe you me.

― Emma, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

What if they were singing "Come my lady, come come my lady"?

Then I would say, "What am I doing having sex with Tom?"

Seriously, noisy sex is cool except for when you have a roommate. I mean, this is what worries me, that men don't seem to notice that I live in a small apartment with NO DOORS. When Steph can hear everything going on, that's bad. There's a time and a place for noisy sex.

― Ally, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

DAvid breathes gently . When we have sex however we are loud and noisy. We make a random odd noises !

― anthony, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Everyone keeps talking about this mythical right 'time and place'. I feel like I'm always missing out. Is it anything to do with the Kilroy rival hosted by Mike Scott? I really must start taping daytime TV again.

― Nick, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The time and the place for discussing intimate details of your sexual behaviour and habits is in the pub when you are exceedingly drunk as proven by the Trig Brother question: Show us your blow job face. Or in court I suppose.

― Emma, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Dud when you are sleeping over and the fucks just decid eit dosnt matter and you hear revoltin gcocks

― Mike Hanle y, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Basically any situation where somebody is having sex and you are not taking part or watching I suppose is a dud.

― Tom, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Are you suggesting that Mike could have improved his situation by spying on the sources of the sound of revoltin gcocks?

― Richard Tunnicliffe, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

This thread has hit rock bottom.

― Nick, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

and it started from such a lofty position eh nick?

― gareth, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Actually I think it did. I was hoping for some serious responses and all I get is filth. Kate is about the only one who has attempted a serious search and destroy. When people talk about noisy sex being good or bad, what kind of noises are you talking about specifically, and how should the man and woman differ in the production of said sounds?

― Nick, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Dud noise to hear during sex = door to the room you are in either slowly opening or closing.

― Emma, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Nick, the official rule of these things is that the person who asked the question has to answer it first, otherwise you are exposed as a shameless voyeur.

― Emma, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I am dying to say something about fanny* farts but I blush just typing the words.

*brit

― Madchen, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

OK:

Search: girls screaming at the top of their voices and making all sorts of satisfied noises

Destroy: (I'm guessing) Men making whimpering type sounds.

― Nick, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The problem with screaming at the top of your voice is that your friends might be in the garden just outside your room at college and you might have your window open and be celebrating finishing your finals with your boyfriend and as a result find yourself the butt of their jokes for the rest of your life.

― Emma, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Yes, but secretly they'll envy your sexual abandon.

― Nick, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Is it time to say

"You two - get a room!"

yet?

― the pinefox, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Or you might live in a tenament complex, as I like to call it, where there's a big huge shaft between the buildings and all noises echo through there, and the next day your coworker who lives in the building next door tells the entire office you were having sex the night before, very loudly.

I don't really care though, I want people to know I'm having sex.

― Ally, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Indeed. Everyone who knows me envies me it.

― Emma, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

farting is bad, unless you like that kind of thiing. singing my hills are alive with the sound of music is also a turnoff...

― Geoff, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Do you make special noises though Ally to indicate that you also hate sex? Like "URGH" or something.

Vocal noise of course can often be a moot point if you've got a creaky old bed.

― Tom, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Or you might also have left the window open when several of your friends are sitting out on the balcony of the adjacent room. My other half's impression of a kettle earned us a round of applause.

― Richard Tunnicliffe, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

If I made special noises that sounded like HATRED then the men would be in on my secret, which would be stupid and counterproductive to my mission of control and debasement. Duh.

Being extra loud is merely a hate crime against the neighbors.

― Ally, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

she said "big huge shaft between the buildings" uh-huh uh-huh-huh

Clearest memory of college tutorial: when my tutor's and my high-flying discussion of Immanuel Kant — I had just proposed that some famous logical error could be bridged if IK happened to believe in a multiform manifestation of God, or parallel universes, and my tutor was busy laughing at me — when the sound of a loud (I reckon fake) girly orgasm broke in on us from a nearby PU. We both tried incredibly hard to pretend that we didn't know that we had just both heard what we HAD just both heard. And we both failed.

― mark s, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

fanny fart = queeb in USA

― Mike Hanle y, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Onomatopoeically, that's completely wrong.

― Madchen, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i think madchen should have a column in the paper called 'onomatopoeically speaking'.

― ethan, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

yes, I guess they shoudl be called " thppppfshts"

― Mike Hanle y, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

That's what they are called in the UK.

― Nick, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Liar.

― Ally, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

fanny fart = queeb in USA

Don't you meen "queef?"

Which does make a bit more sense, onomotopoetically?

As in: try to pronounce "qf."

― Nitsuh, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Go d I hat e Nick so much

― Mike Hanley, Wednesday, 8 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Anything that makes you sound like rutting ungaltes is classic.

― anthony, Thursday, 9 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

four weeks pass...

david and my sex noises were the horror of the neighbor. we found that when we overheard her gossiping about the faggots when we were gettign in the foyer and she was on the first floor landing . Bitch. We are buying SM equipment now.

― anthony, Thursday, 6 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Hey, invite her to a menage a trois. i am sure she'll think it's an exotic dinner party or something.

― nathalie, Thursday, 6 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Hey you banana refusing bitch wanna come to an orgy. there will be more cock s then you can stuff .

― anthony, Thursday, 6 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

one month passes...

just listen...

― Noisy Lovers, Wednesday, 10 October 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

three months pass...

How have the neighbours reacted to your S&M gear noises, anthony?

I am scared to listen to that Noisy Lovers link.

― N., Saturday, 26 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Give in, N., you've been digging up all these threads for your delectation anyway. Perv.

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 26 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Has the appropriate period of time passed for actually replying to the question in this thread?...

...Because I could say some things, but it seems somehow wrong now....

― Tim, Sunday, 27 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

please do, tim.

― toby, Monday, 28 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

At first I thought the whole wimpering-on-verge-of-orgasm thing on part of partner was mildly amusing (in a "but don't dare giggle" kind of way) but increasingly it's very convenient due to reliability. You know exactly what's going on without having to look.

― Tim, Monday, 28 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The mind boggles.

― Tracer Hand, Monday, 28 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

If I was shagging someone nice I wouldn't care if they were singing Rod Stewart songs like Barry White.

― Ronan, Monday, 28 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ah, but what about vice versa?

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 28 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

If I was shagging someone nice I wouldn't care if they were singing Rod Stewart songs like Barry White. -- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald6@mail.dcu.ie), January 28, 2002. Ah, but what about vice versa?

"If I was singing Rod Stewart songs like Barry White, I wouldn't care if I was shagging someone nice." Sounds about right to me.

― Dan Perry, Monday, 28 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

How the FUCK did that happen???

― Dan Perry, Monday, 28 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Or what if you were shagging Barry White and he was singing like Rod Stewart?

― clive, Monday, 28 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I think you stepped outside your brain again there, Dan.

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 28 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

one year passes...

Dastoor started a lot of dirty threads in his day, didn't it.

― Allyzay, Tuesday, 18 November 2003 18:23 (twenty-two years ago)

D: man "ugh" noises

S: breathy involuntary moans

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 18 November 2003 18:56 (twenty-two years ago)

S? or D?: "woooohooooo!"????? I'm not sure.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 18 November 2003 18:57 (twenty-two years ago)

This is something to read after receiving a spam like I did entitled "hey man, we did it... just last night"

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 18 November 2003 18:58 (twenty-two years ago)

three months pass...

haha 'nick, you are better than this.'

yeah, right.

― cozen (Cozen), Friday, 12 March 2004 01:26 (twenty-two years ago)

My first boyfriend would say "Merry Christmas" after every (infrequent) episode of (unsatisfying) sex. Punk-ass bitch! However, I have achieved Schadenfreude by Googling unflattering pics of him on the Interweb :)

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Friday, 12 March 2004 06:02 (twenty-two years ago)

My first boyfriend would say "Merry Christmas" after every (infrequent) episode of (unsatisfying) sex.

What, did he start by asking you to sit on his lap and wanting you to see how you could make him shake like a bowlful of jelly?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 12 March 2004 06:04 (twenty-two years ago)

No. His loss :)

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Friday, 12 March 2004 06:04 (twenty-two years ago)

man these threads are so much funnier than ILMs

― hector (hector), Friday, 12 March 2004 06:17 (twenty-two years ago)

I am confused by this 'Merry Christmas' business.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 22 March 2004 22:12 (twenty-one years ago)

http://members.aol.com/dmull1479/Mar03_Photos/Gold.jpg

― GRUNTSQUAD, Monday, 22 March 2004 22:15 (twenty-one years ago)

I see.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 22 March 2004 22:19 (twenty-one years ago)

D: Any kind of coherent speech or even worse laughter.

S: "OW! ow ow ow....okay go"

― LC, Monday, 29 March 2004 12:04 (twenty-one years ago)

BEEEP!!! "Two Tribes by Frankie Goes to Hollywood!"

― mark grout (mark grout), Monday, 29 March 2004 12:10 (twenty-one years ago)

beep)
(beep beep beep)
...

wowwwwwwww waw waw waw waaaowwwww waw waw wow wawwwwwwwwwww waw woa waow wawwwwwww waw wow
waaoooowwww wow waw weow wowwwwwwww waw waw waw wowwwwww waw wow wao wowwwwwww waw waww

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DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH.
DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH.
DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH.
DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH. DUNH.

wowwwwww waw waw waw weeowwwwwww wow waw waw wowwwwwwww wow waw waw wowwwwwwww waw waw
waowwwwwww waw waw waw wowwwww waw waw waw wowwwwwww wow waw wow wowwwwwww wow waw
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waaoooowwww wow waw weow wowwwwwwww waw waw waw wowwwwww waw wow wao wowwwwwww waw waww

da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da!
da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da!
da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da!
da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da! da-da da da! da!

eeuheeUHwikkaWOWdadunduhduh.. awookaWOOPwookaWAWowowowuh... eeyuheeOOUHeekaWAWwaduhduhduh... wawakkaUHwowaWAWwoowauwuhwuh.. eedooeeDOOPdadaWOOwawawawa.. deemuheeWUHwikkaWAWbadupdupdup... wadeepaDUHdeekaDWISHadadada... wawillaWUHdeedeeDUPwadooweewa... wittadaWAWchickaBAWbawbawbawbaw... eeyuhuhUHdowdeeWAOWwewawawaw... bawikkaBOWbikkaWAWwadawdawdaw... wawawaOOHjibbaBAWbababowdaw... squadibbaUHwuwuWOWwawawawaw... eeheeheeHUHebbuhDOWdaduhuhuh... uhdudduDUHwikkaWAWbibawbawbaw... eediddyUHbikkaWOWbeeyowyowyow... balakkaUHHwoopaWOWwawawawaw... badowdaDUHHdiddaWOOPworowrrowrrowr... wuhjibbaWUHblikkaBOWbeedowdowdow... wiwuhwaWOWchikkaBAWbawbowbowbow... eeduduDUHdoopieDUNdaduhdowduh... duheeuhBUHwikkaWAWwawwawwawwaw... deekuhdeeKUHbiggaWEEWbabowbowbow... uhrikkaBUHyekkaBOWchibowbowbuh

weeowwwwwww wow wow waw wowwwwwwwwwwwwwww wo wo wow wawwwwwww waw waw waw wowwwwwwww waw waw
wowwwww waw wuh waw wawwwwwwwwww wow waw waw wowwwwwwwww waw waw waw wowwwwwwwwwww wuh wuh
waaowwww wow waw wow wowwwwwww waw waw waw wowwwwww waw weow wao wowwwwwww waw waww
wowwwwwww waw wo waw waawwwww waw waw wow wawwwwwwwwwwww waw woa waow wawwwwwwww wow waw
wowwwww waw waw wow wowwwwww waw wow wow wowwwwwwww wow waw waww wawwwwwwwwwwww waw waw
wowwwwwwww waw waw waw waaaowwwww waw waw wow wawwwwwwwwwww waw woa waow wawwwwwww waw waw

-- Curtis Stephens (sevenxvii...), May 23rd, 2003. (5 trackbacks)

― LC, Thursday, 8 April 2004 12:08 (twenty-one years ago)

five years pass...

Loud sex woman admits Asbo breach

"The noise sounds like they are both in considerable pain. I cannot describe the noise. I have never ever heard anything like it."

― Alba, Tuesday, 15 December 2009 12:56 (sixteen years ago)

read the other article linked from there, where the woman in question talks about how she tried to damp down the noise.

― The New Dirty Vicar, Tuesday, 15 December 2009 22:32 (sixteen years ago)

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