Blue Saturday

thread of mumbling to myself. you can play too.

Playlist, shuffled

Popol Vuh - Hosianna Mantra
Actress - Splazsh
Paysage d'Hiver - Kristall & Isa
v/a - Mystic Records Presents We Got Power - Party or Go Home
Alva Noto - Xerrox Vol. 2
Debris - Static Disposal
Pere Ubu - The Modern Dance
Pussy Galore - Exile on Main Street
Decayes - Not Yet!
Ulver - Nattens Madrigal
Edgar Varèse - noise interpolations from "Déserts"
Orbital - Brown Album
The Fall - Escape Route from the Wonderful and Frightening World of
John Beltran - Earth and Nightfall
Celtic Frost - To Mega Therion
Expo '70 - Animism & Black Ohms

add zoloft and low-grade hangover, play freecell, lean back, stir

freecell is fucking tedious tbh.

spent a lot of time this week watching young people going about their business, wondered why the fuck they were bothering for the most part. humans' sense of a worthwhile life/survival is pretty fucking tedious tbh.

i mean we are ape-y and not much imbued with magic or wonder

have been semi-inclined to go to Beverley and get properly drunk and lost today, out of spite and dickishness really, but this feels like a more satisfactory and less damaging way of getting some of that out of my system. damn i love a temporary solution tho. temporary dissolution.

okay, "Remind" is proper classic. lolstalgia. here is a notable story from the annals of Hull history

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article145635.ece

the other weekend we decided there should be a giant animatronic goat-fucker alongside the railway line just before the station, with a neon "Welcome to Hull" sign over it

i missed the last d off of "Edgard", I know

lolstalgia. jaysus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMFspaHFl3Q&feature=related

in the service of full disclosure, obv. there's not much more ridiculous than middle age, but youth is probly one of the things

http://www.sabotagetimes.com/wp-content/uploads/Hull-Fair-7.jpg

so in love with the decent past but this picture could've been took anytime, really

city lost to time, city that fell from grace with the sea

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=px5RkcwxkZQ

oh Hessle Road

half fucked now but still classic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6bWJd44i-o

best band ever btw

http://bill.terebenthine.free.fr/images/spiders_from_mars.jpg

This is the 2nd best band from Hull ever. They were still Quite Good.

http://bill.terebenthine.free.fr/images/spiders_from_mars.jpg

man this tension between wanting to escape and knowing i won't escape very far, tawdriness in advance, wanting a pub with chet baker on the jukey or at the least Stock Aitken and Watermang's "SS Paparazzi" - lolstalgia again tho - can't even get a pint of Double Diamond anywhere now, not sure they still brew it - or that i want it tbh

not sure how much of this is the medicine flexing its muscles either but

not cut out for another 5 - 50 years of this really and pondering whether maintaining a facade of functional dignity is doing anybody any favours when i shd be beatniking it out in the wilds of this hilarious city

http://www.heritagepubs.org.uk/images/pubphotos/Hull-OldeWhiteHart-MainBar.jpg

Allegedly - tho you know history and publicity make bitch liars and memory is quite rewriteable - this is where we started to win the Civil War. Charles was keen on coming into the city and securing the arsenal and the docks but local capitalist plutocrat guys got together in this pub and told the mayor to lock the gates and tell him to get tae fuck. which he did, against his will. this pub is really cosy and still pub-esque, which y'know is an increasingly rare fucking commodity in the 2K10s. also where i heard some dude being accused of being "racist against gays".

Pubs I have loved: the Piper, the Gardener's, Hockneys when it were old and working man's clubbish, the Golden Ball, the Engineers, the Mint, the Black Boy, the Olde White Hart, the Schnapps Bar, the Empress, the Star of the West RIP you were a beautiful dump, the Station, the Turnpike and that stupid sports bar at the back where I watched us win the play-offs and got so splattered by half time I didn't remember a fucking thing about it, also where I watched Eubank fuck up Watson but missed the fatal punch and said something unfortunate about him not getting tagged that hard

interrupted because our joel just texted to inform me that a pet shop in town is selling bird food labelled "6 fat balls for wild birds"

and I KNOW HOW IT FEELS

http://www.eyorks.com/hullpub/

this virtual pub crawl is kinda sick-making with lolstalgia. the probable siberian wind knifing ice-sleet into yr face is doing a good job of keeping my safe in the house tho. am gonna cheat and make myself a little sump'n sump'n now to tilt the balance. might as well be hung for a whole pen full of sheep etc

honest to god there used to be a fishing tackle shop on Anlaby Rd called "Master Baits"

ginger beer, is there anything you don't mix with?

one can't help but feel that social evolution is something of a pig in that it discards all use for male libido about 30 fucking years before yr male does

NON-ALIGNMENT PACT YES BANG ON TIME

am looping that fucker

don't know when i, when i'll be conte-eh-eh-ent btw

really tho motivation is a funny thing. i dunno that aristotle was right about the unexamined life not being worth living but fuck i seem to see a lot of unexamination going down. ruminants. being a ruminant is plenty cool if you like cud tho. absolutely don't despise peoples alignments with themselves, just am wickedly out of sync and not getting how to get my groove "back" ha like it's been there since what 10? 5? seem to remember being reasonable centred playing army on the grass square at the top of our street but even then i was more of a cloud watcher rilly.

you reach this point when you think "man i am all ego self-centred aspie not good for people observer only bollocks" and that's a thing that you can be, one doesn't like to think it about yourself but we aren't all cut out for being productive and reasonable and loveable guys really

ginger ale not great with sambuca fwiw

got no real issues with the rest

yeah that seems true, wdn't mix sambuca tho tbh. ginger beer, not ale. I like ginger ale but it's a pretty low key mixer? have an unopened bottle that i might bring into play when the ginger beer runs out unless mrs v comes home and slaps me upside my head

which wd be a dece excuse tbh

we should totally go out on the lash, darragh, it would be most excellent times imo

no issues with that either, but no aristotle pls

i don't do aristotle in the pub, or anywhere else really, dude was shit

most tedious fucking philosopher ever award or maybe leibniz or that twat brother of Henery James's's

i forgot the old fake irish bar appendage to the mainbrace in my list of much loved pubs, and the mainbrace itself, spent a glorious new years eve in there one time off my swede on mushrooms thinking i'd got a glowing sign on my head saying "this dude's on mushrooms"

i miss hallucinogens

booze is a ready, loving, companiable buddy for ALL TIME tho

it was all-encompassing dismissal of discussion of all higher modes of though tbh

For drinking purposes, that is. Time and a place, time and a place

exackly

sport and giant animatronic goat-fucker tableaux are ideal pub convos tbh

don't even take my "oh pity poor me i is so sad" face to the boozer, it is NOT THE PLACE

i wouldnt trust booze with my money or missus but i'll go drinking with him alright.

not that i is so sad, i am kinda focused and edgy and probly not real level-headed but sadness is sort of not there except an impending "i like where this relationship is going" gif sadness and wondering hmmm can i keep up a veneer of not-great for another 10 years or so until the kids are all safely launched

goat fucker convo def has icebreaker value

he is an hull legend. shd definitely feature in the publicity blurb imo, also he is one of those dudes where everybody you meet knows somebody who knows him

but this is like the biggest village in the world so

six degrees of separation in hull = about 3

fond memories of P4ul H34ton allegedly fending off Poll Tax bailiffs with an air rifle from his Grafton Street mansion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sNffR-yTA4

our civic anthem

reckon a goatfucker or similar on the sound bridge would put achill on the map

Ok, on phone, in body lotion section of an actual irl fancy dept store, and my full attn is required. Continue at yr own pace will check validity of the remainder of thread later

suddenly I have Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough" with the lyric changed to "Just Can't Get It Up" stuck in my head as a good idea for a Weird Al song

am not even dressed yet but gotta admit the water on the windows did inspire a bit of "oh sweet (not)..." earlier. mostly just glad to be the not at work though evne if this afternoon fails in my quest to do anything productive 4th week running.

lucky I have the new Radiohead album to listen to, high spirits ahead!

don't even know if it's therapeutic to moan. such a self-inflicted mess, such a repetitive attention suck, such a waste. just the worst. endless cyclical pitypoorme. ugh. uggho

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Fd7P4OFXgAAzq_W?format=jpg&name=small

Aderyn :(

It's raining, it's pouring, my love life is boring me to tears

Spent 15 minutes debating with myself the value of typing out how bad I feel

Maybe it shd be something else

Maybe abandon everything

keep plugging through the mud nv, never know when you might hit firmer ground. sending hugs!

Thank you bud

please stop thinking about killing myself I promise I won't kill my myself I can't stop thinking about killing myself

If it helps in the slightest, I hope you're all right.

Is there anyone you can phone?

Please don’t kill yourself

i'm sorry i shdn't have written that out

i'm sure i'm not gonna

the noise of it has been bouncing round my head all week tho

thanks both for responding

stupid thing: i've done safeguarding as part of work stuff for years, if i was checking in on myself i'd be "ok no immediate plans, no immediate risk"

so i guess i know that this noise is not full emergency but ffs i'm just a bit tired of it

No pressure from here but this internet rando quite likes your posts so please stick around. Plus, your new user name is pretty much my essence. Apart from the 'full of beans' bit.

guilty confession is i have an uncontrollable moptop

I've been told to tell you that the bald community will let this one pass and will not be taking any further action!

sorry for edgelord

surely you mean shinelord?

lol

it's only recently I've discovered that sometimes talking about desperately unpalatable shit that is going on in your life in a semi formal kind of manner with a mh worker can actually help. But now after 6 months of it they've closed my file for now because there are other similar basket-cases like me who are needing help and they have to ration it out. I don't know what point I'm trying to make here, but I think sometimes it does help to get things in the open - even if it isn't good stuff.

i've had to sit thru 4 zoom lectures about CBT just to earn the right to get a counsellor. irony is i've been making solid progress since the start of the year, this weekend has been a wobble but i'll get thru. the internal suicide mantra, been a week or more, idk i think it might be my inner demon shouting louder for want of attention

problem with self-loathing is how can you be sure you're not right?

i think i wish i could unstick my gears, but i'm not sure if i don't revel in being stuck, else why would i stick like this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pOe92skrBg

I have started to say
"A quarter of a century"
Or "thirty years back"
About my own life.

It makes me breathless
It's like falling and recovering
In huge gesturing loops
Through an empty sky.

All that's left to happen
Is some deaths (my own included).
Their order, and their manner,
Remain to be learnt

Huge passages of time have the capability to really mess with your mind and sense of self.

I still have things on my mental 'to do' list that I added in the early 2000s and haven't got round to yet - and that seems like just a few years ago. I alternate between despair/regret at 30 -40 years gone, and the thought that it's meaningless to think about now those years have vanished into the past. The only thing that matters - if anything matters about those years - is whether they contained beautiful or interesting moments that I appreciated at the time. Hopefully more interesting and beautiful moments to come.

Sometimes when I’m half awake I think of a pleasant memory from 20 years ago and it puts me in a nice relaxed state and I fall back asleep

i think mostly i don't "regret" because time's an unstoppable movement and as you say Bob it's kind of meaningless. the loops and whooshes in that Larkin poem tho - i remember reading it at 18 and understanding what was said but not having any sense of that feeling. now that feeling and that poem spend days hanging around

I have more problems with the present I think: eg often instead of enjoying this present moment, I’m so often cranky and irritable from the indignities of life and unable to relax despite my best intentions and the knowledge that I’m just sabotaging myself.

well yeah, that's one of the reasons it seemed best to mostly abandon this thread

i'm weirded out sometimes now by what feels almost like performing my age. it probably doesn't belong on the pile of things that are actually bad and make me sad tho

akshully maybe the majority of things that are making me sad now are things that people in their mid-fifties don't have to deal with if they made better life choices than me

Sometimes when I’m half awake I think of a pleasant memory from 20 years ago and it puts me in a nice relaxed state and I fall back asleep

i wonder if we can all do this but forget that we can do it when we're too focused on the downers

Houellebecq wrote in one of his worst novels when ruminating on nostalgia that the present is like an "abscess of suffering" we have to drag about with us, caught between the infinities of happiness and peace that are the past and the future. It was one of them beautifully concise lines of writing that rung a bell with me at the time and stuck with me, wasn't so sure about him including the future in this though!

Now I think it's better to have nothing to say, but it's still a tremulous pleasure to watch your moods drift by

to bed almost exactly 12 hours after getting out of it.

Is that a good thing? Sounds nice to me. I always go to sleep later than I intend to

not when it's out of boredom.

been looking forwards to it since Tuesday and then nothing.

Boredom?

it's just too beautiful here today, it's fucking awful tbh

like actually painfully lovely

think i'm a lot better equipped to deal with dull grey tedium, feel like i need to watch videos of some miserable pissy rain to calm myself down

I should go and catch the sun while it's still around but y'know

yeah definitely do it, don't know what it's like round your way but it is really wonderful out there. there's something about the beauty of it though, you feel like you need to make the most of it but you know it'll all slip through your fingers anyway

Well I'm all too familiar with that feeling so probably no different today. Feels like a lot of work dragging myself off the settee and putting outside clothes on tho

yeah there is that. probably a good day to take a new book for a walk, get out and about but still have something to hide in

think i'm a lot better equipped to deal with dull grey tedium, feel like i need to watch videos of some miserable pissy rain to calm myself down

yes, exactly that. can definitely feel buddhism calling me back

Hope you're doing OK, koogs. Sending good vibes & hoping the ennui lifts soon.

(I just realised this reply is a week late, but, y'know. Hoping it's already lifted, but if not, all that stuff, still.)

Drank too many ipas last night and was in bed until 5 today. Then got up and went over to the coffee shop and it was really nice

beautiful days get me too esp if i'm a little down

That dream
Where you love somebody
But they love somebody else
And you wake up suddenly, heart-stabbed
Why the fuck does that hurt so much?
It was just a dream