Crazy things you could do if you were a crazy stalker

I was having this conversation with a mate of mine, it seemed like the possibilities were endless. So here we go,

1. Carve their face in cheese and give it to them in a hamper.

2. Constantly phone them during the royal wedding and say that you should be together forever.

3. Shave your name onto their pet, so they never forget you.

Any more for the list?

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1013/544179125_83088164b7.jpg

lock thread

Why?

looool

4: Write a book that was nothing but their name over and over again and read it to their mum.

5. Turn up to appointments that victim has made, dentist, hairdressers, doctors e.t.c

6. Take pictures of every member of persons family and put them in your family album on facebook and send it to them or whatever you do with facebook.

7. Make them a collage out of chicken bones and sweetcorn.

8. Get a tattoo of their face on your face

oh, that is good.

9. get a tattoo of your face on their face

looool again

thank you, this is good fodder for my erotic thriller screen plays

10. Write an erotic thriller screen play with them as the main protagonist and the send it to them.

11. tear up the flowers her family planted on her grave and replace them, one by one, with identical-looking flowers of your own. pretty soon her final resting place will be a testament to your love for her, and no one else will suspect a thing.

12. Register for and complete a difficult college course in their name and present them with the certificate

Awwww, I think that's quite a sweet thing to do!

13. buy up all the burial plots adjacent to hers, and mark each one with a tombstone inscribed with a pair of wide, lust-filled eyes that are forever fixed upon her grave.

14. Sell your soul to the devil in return of being her adult form 1st born.

15. pay the mortician to mix a vial of your blood into the fluid used to embalm her.

16. Propose to him/her live on local radio. Every week.

17. While they are out, break into their house and hollow out their mattress and climb in and get ready fur snuggles.

you two are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too good at this

I'm not happy with my brain for coming up with this stuff.

bullshit, this is copied and pasted from yr desktop if i ever saw it

It's from 1 of the 1,997 diaries i have on the subject.

I am starting to feel like a rookie stalker, you guys are too good at this!

18. volunteer at a hospice and convince dying patients to memorize your erotic poems and recite them to her when they meet her in the spirit world.

19. Sending a basket of dead kittens with the label "You are cuter than these kittens"

20. Burn their parents home down but save one of them so she'll have to meet you.

21. get a job as an obstetrics nurse so you can inspect each newborn baby girl for the seahorse-shaped birthmark your lover used to have on her thigh. when you find the marked baby, STALK IT, because it is your lover reincarnate.

jesus lolling christ

Is it bad that i can't stop laughing at this thread?

better to lol than take notes

*laughs maniacally while printing out this thread for reference*

22. send her a box of chocolates but instead of chocolates it is all my toes

23. Have plastic surgery to look like a cross between her father and current boyfriend, she'll obviously fancy you more than her boyfriend and want you right?

Not many girls adding to this thread!

prob too busy changing their identities

21 is just genius, 22 Made me spit tea all over my keyboard, major lol!

I think I am the only girl that's added to the thread, which makes me despair over my sense of humour.

Is the hypothetical person you are stalking dead now?

1 of mine is.

24. Make cardboard cut outs of stalker and stalkee in compromising positions and arrange them where they will be seen.

mine died before I was born xxp

This thread is gold, but I'm nowhere near as imaginative as you lot.

25. Kill victim and them parade around in a weekend at bernies type style.

"imaginative"

26. Collect her bath water from the pipe and make tea from it.

27. collect her use vacuum bags and construct a live-sized model of her from skin flakes and hair.

41. break into her house while she is sleeping and put your face really close to hers and just breathe on her

42[0]. break into her house, get her cat high, leave a note like "yo I got your cat high"

feline groovy

43. Make her a CD which is one 74-minute track of the sound of #41

You lot scare me.

44. Note their address on gmaps, with co-ordinates, images of yourself outside, and viewable-by-satellite painted arrows

today i:

a) read this thread which was up to 23. by that stage;

b) went out and got into a car accident where a man made a worng turn and hit me on the front passenger side (luckily we were both okay, apart from the shock of it, and our cars weren't badly damaged);

c) gave him my details with an excess of trepidation because of a).

45. take a job as the postman/paperboy and kiss all of her mail before you put it in through the letterbox

estela! ):

37. find someone who is already blessed with a stalker, then win her love by showing her how much better you are than the other guy. like, intercept his letters to her and go through them with an editing pencil, correcting all the grammatical and spelling errors and so on, then mail it on to her. she'll see you're the superior choice.

Would consider this one relationship material.

38. wait for them to go on holiday, break into their house and put 100 pregnant cats, rabbits and dogs.
Hey presto, when they return, lots of cute puppies, kittens and fluffy bunnies for their delight.

39. Dig up all their dead pets, hold a tea party with them and invite your one true love.

You guys have lost your ordering. Those should be 46 and 47.

Apologies.

Oh yeah, oops.

48. pose as intelligent normal well-adjusted person, run for president, win, declare new national holiday in honor of stalkee

49. notice stalkee is running low on shampoo; buy new bottle and use to continually replenish the old one so they don't have to worry abt it

50. surreptitiously replace stalkee's bathroom mirror with LCD flatscreen+camera+computer setup that, when stalkee stands in front of it, crops out entire background, leaving only their image on a field of black — caption: "I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU"

51. hack into stalkee's email and send yourself love letters, then erase them from the sent box and never reply to them

49. notice stalkee is running low on shampoo; buy new bottle and use to continually replenish the old one so they don't have to worry abt it

― bernard snowy, Wednesday, March 23, 2011 6:32 AM (11 minutes ago)

On this note:

52. Fill up a jergins hand lotion bottle with your cum and replace it with her normal lotion bottle.

uh ew frankly

52 sneak into his house & take photos of yourself doing dishes, watching tv, getting out of the shower, playing with his dog, digging his garden...then start posting the photos as status updates so that he will see how well you fit into his life and will immediately want you to move in with him

oops, 53

54 kill a bird and send it to stalkee with a note saying "unlike this bird my love for you will never die"

ooh thats a classic

I did an open mike reading once for a friend (she said "read anything, itll be cool!) so I read a short story of a girl describing a handsome guy and how in love with him she was, revealing at the end that she was keeping his head in a box :D
Hard to convince ppl the girl isnt you after that, hee hee

At least you know where you stand if you keep their head in a box. You stand over them! Ha ha ha (crazy manic laugh) You are correct, I do have trouble attracting men.

55 put the cans of soup in with the produce, and the deli meats in the candy isle wouldn't that be wild

lol

that was Norm McDonald-esque

lol ty

56. Send the child of your stalkee to a recording studio to do a deliberately terrible kid-pop irritant and accompanying laugh-a-second video. Manufacture an internet meme and get 20 million people telling the child how rubbish they are. This will make the stalkee admire your power and admit that she can't live without you. Literally.

57. Watch for weed deliveries on a dock in Warwick.

58. Choose a day and keep track of everyone your stalkee interacts with over the course of that day, no matter how briefly. Run background checks and assemble a comprehensive dossier for each one of them, including photographs (preferably of their interactions with the stalkee). Leave dossier in stalkee's house with a note saying "just thought you might like to know :)"

(this is actually considered the first step towards getting over your stalkee IIRC — stalking other people, for them)

now that's just chicken stalk

59. progress in gifting her magazine subscriptions starting with Cosmopolitan, moving onto Bride, then Good HouseKeeping, and culminating with AARP

she might also enjoy Conde Nast Traveler if you plan on locking her in one of the kitchen pantries

60. if she's being cremated, amputate a part of your body and sneak it into her coffin before it goes to the crematorium. make sure it's something calcified; soft tissue will go right up the chimney, but bones and teeth will end up in the urn after a good round of pulverizing.

61. pay a friend* to beat up a priest, steal his vestments, visit your lover on her deathbed, and administer fraudulent last rites to her. when she dies, her troubled soul won't be able to cross over to the other side, and with luck you'll be able to have some fun with it.

*just kidding, you friendless creepo. do it yourself.

62. hire a priest to bless/exorcise every house in town except for yours. soon, legions of newly homeless demons, goblins, devils, and poltergeists will have no choice but to move in with you...and so will your lover.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/__-hS-I3i6FY/SPV353GkmxI/AAAAAAAAAhM/28ISvnXWkaU/s320/if_i_did_it.jpg

63. Slowly go blind due to old age. When you finally can't see anymore, get a seeing eye dog and name it whatever your stalkee's name is. If they are still alive, find out where they are going to be on a certain day of your choosing, a day that you know you are going to die, because you have ingested a strong poison on that day. Set your dog free in their vicinity and shout your dog's name over and over again. If the stalkee comes to help you, give them flowers, which you've picked and preserved before you went blind, and tell them how you finally feel, as you fall limp into their arms.

64. Do everything in 63, but, if they are dead by the time you go blind, just fuck the seeing eye dog.

63. but maybe you want her ghost to haunt her own house and remain blissfully unaware that she's dead. this is harder than you think, because if her parents/boyfriend/roommate keep her bedroom looking exactly the way it did when she died, she'll quickly realize that her life is frozen in time, and that she's dead, and that she's ready to cross over. to maintain the ruse, you'll have to update her wall calendar every month, replace her old Aaron Carter posters with Justin Bieber ones as public tastes change, replace her wardrobe every few years, and write new entries in her diary. if you're really diligent, you can probably keep this up for a good 20 years, by which time scientists will've figured out a way to resurrect the dead.

(65, I mean)

unregistered how old is the stalkee in 65

she'd be like 24 this year

(not that I'd ever irl stalk an Aaron Carter fan, thank you very much)

ok lololololol @ 64