best of the regular people in the locker room at my gym

Big Red: Big Red is a ginger-headed man with a tight crewcut. He walks around the locker room stark naked from 7:30 – 8:30ish each night, and spends at least half an hour drying off his man parts with a filthy towel while talking – shouting – with his locker room buddies. He’s the epitome of the sporty frat guy stereotype: hypermasculine, bullying, brash, but he’s also 40+ years old. He wields his nudity like a blunt pink club, stopping to examine himself in every mirror he passes, and picking the tightest and most inconvenient spaces possible to do (I guess) cooldown stretches. He says the word ‘fuck’ a lot: ‘how the fuck you doing, you stupid sonovabitch?’ and ‘man I drank so fuckin’ much I saw the goddamn Easter bunny on Monday’ and ‘Hey Kevin, so I was finger-bangin’ this chick last night, and she was all like ‘fuckin’ don’t stop, keep goin’ and also she was like ‘tell my son Kevin I says hello, the little shitter.‘

Czech bodybuilders: Two guys. One short and dark, one tall and skinny, and they’re both trying to bulk up majorly. They stand huddled over a shared lockers drinking weird concoctions of protein and banana and something red and viscous, and they always share one shower – trading off – instead of taking two next to each other. They glare at anybody they catch looking in their direction.

Former New England Patriot who looks like Bryan Cox but isn’t: This guy is great. He’s huge – 6’5 or 6’6, and an easy 350 lbs. I usually run into him at the hot tub, where he kind of holds court and talks about his glory days playing college football. He alludes to a career with the Patriots, and a lot of people in the gym know (and respect?) him. Once he told a story about how, even back when he was with the pats, the coaches used to think he was Cox. He’ll spend hours in the hot tub reading Time magazine and Sports Illustrated and pontificating over the articles. He’s nice to everybody, and he warns people when he’s gotta “blow ass” aka fart in the hot tub.

Old Naked Whiskers Man: Imagine a 19th century gold prospector transported to the present day. Remove all his clothes. Take away his pick and shovel, and give him a beard-trimming kit. You’ve got Old Naked Whiskers Man. He spends an extraordinary amount of time standing bare nekkid in front of the sink, shaping and trimming a wild-looking beard that reaches to the center of his chest. He hums Pachelbel’s Canon in D as he does it, and he grins at everybody who passes.

Baggy Underpant Guy with Excessive Body Hair: This guy almost didn’t make the list, because I haven’t seen him lately. He’s nebbish, bespectacled, devoutly Jewish (read: Star of David necklace, omnipresent yarmulke) and mutters to himself. When he comes into the locker gym he is dressed impeccably; beautiful suits that have got to cost upwards of $5000 / each, loafers that shine like obsidian. But as he strips down, whatever illusion he’s been cultivating falls apart. Underneath the suit he is wearing the dirtiest, snot-stainiest and streched-outiest t-shirt known to mankind, and a pair of GIGANTIC yellowed tighty-whities like bloomers that sag, almost to his knees and rise well past his naval. He is covered – even his feet (!) – with a thick coating of graying hair, which he often sheds on the floor when he’s left.

Mr. Li And His Grandson, Who Wears A Lion Bathrobe: I’ve talked to Mr. Li. He’s about 65, and he moved from China when he was 17. He worked for years and years as a ticket-taker on the Amtrak route that heads from New York/Boston to Montreal (Lake Shore Limited?), but he’s retired now. Mr. Li has incredible eyebrows – Jack LaLanne eyebrows – and he’s quite handsome and dignified looking. Mr. Li is teaching his grandson to swim, and they have matching bright blue speedos, bright blue goggles, and bright blue caps, . Mr. Li’s grandson is 4 or 5, and he wear a bathrobe with a cowl that looks like a lion’s head, and puts his arms through two sleeves that look like lion’s arms, into terry-cloth lion’s paw gloves printed with little black terry-cloth footpads There’s a sweet, sad little tail that hangs off the back of the robe, and it drags on the floor and leaves trails through the pooled water on the floor. Mr. Li often has difficulty convincing his grandson to change out of the lion bathrobe, because it is very, very cool.

big red. he's probably ex military...

you made a li-er out of me.

im wondering who the patriot is.

i've tried to figure it out. there aren't a lot of people who look like bryan cox: and this guy had to be playing in 2001, which was cox's only year with the Pats. He's got a little bit of a southern accent, but that doesn't really help me much.

Mr. Li and his grandson, who wears a lion bathrobe.

i bet its bobby hamilton

could be – he's 6'5" and played at 280 lbs.

this thread rules, makes me wish you worked out at my gym so that you could create one for the Baltimore DAC regulars

thread nicely summarizes why I don't go to gyms, after the laziness thing.

impeccable suit shit stained underwear

you made a liger out of me

Morbs, don't forget that gyms are full of eyecandy too, it's not all shit stained underwear

my gym has gnarly trolls galore, but seriously fine specimens abound too

my gym has more guidos than i can count. all huffing and puffing and grunting.

lion bathrobe in a landslide

id vote for lion bathrobe only if the older dude was wearing it.

does big red do cooldowns in the nude with his taint in yer eye

yeah remy you kind of suggest that big red might be a closet case a bit with the way you describe him

also, are the Czech bodybuilders vampires? what is the red and viscous substance that they drink if it isn't blood?

dd, in NY the eyecandy is displayed in a plethora of venues that won't make me sore and sweaty.

but getting sore and sweaty *with* the eyecandy is the whole point

what're the odds that one of these people has a similar thread on another messageboard somewhere w/ remy included instead, and what would the description be?

Same thought crossed my mind

Climbing gym has tons of eye candy, with the bonus that the illusion is not destroyed by ever having to see them naked.

word up re: middle-aged and older men in locker rooms who have disgusting underclothes. i hope to never be one of them.

Voting for the Pat for warning people he's going to fart in the hot tub.

people who do not instantly hate 90% of the people at their gym are disgusting savages imo

waht

this phrase

He wields his nudity like a blunt pink club

is the best thing thats happened to me all week, thk u remy!

Man there is an old guy at my gym that is probably 84+ that constantly walks around the locker room naked, dropping disturbingly loud farts all over the place.

does he at least have the decency to pick them up afterward

He’s nice to everybody, and he warns people when he’s gotta “blow ass” aka fart in the hot tub.

Soft place in my heart for this dude.

hopefully your mouth isn't open when he blasts a wet one.

surely that isn't a problem unless your head is near his ass...?

little speckles of old man wet fart juice tickling your lips and nose.

i love that Eric and I both are climbing gym regulars. i did my first 5.11B yesterday.

anyway, i only know a few regulars:
- the music teacher who is pretty fit but has some extra pounds on him who shaves his lower back and ass in the showers. and always talks to me about mingus, which is cool i guess.
- the 17-year-old with the massive penis who regularly sends V7s no fucking problem and whom i talk to about Odd Future when we happen upon each other in the sauna
- the really funny, brash 'indie chick' who has an amazing Dore tat (from his Divine Comedy) of demons on her arm, and who talks about Mahler all the time.
- Jack, who is an anarchist vegan and always quietly cheers people on, almost whispering encouragements like, "yeah man, yeah get that brain hold" or whatever. it's creepy but sort of endearing.

anyway, i vote for the Czechs, because they're the most intriguing.

wtf is sending V7s?

i fear the answer

bouldering problems and rock-climbing routes are rated according to difficulty. a V0 is easy peasy shit, i can do some V4s and V5s, V7s are getting into *difficult* territory

Not at all what I was expecting the answer to be.

Vs are for bouldering problems, the 5.0-5.15a (part of the YDS) is for rock-climbing.

i thought it was about the length of the kids wang.

i was just assuming this was some sort of pythagorean math problem tbh

In my own gym I'm fond of fat old black man who walks back and forth naked with his walker

oh, there's also middle-aged dude who looks like a guardian angel and practices martial arts punches in the mirror, he's fun.

Haha, I wish my wang was my YDS level.

In other words, I've tackled 5.12s.

man, i hate getting the elliptical machine next to the old guy regular's stationary bike. he's there everyday in sweatpants, baseball cap, and hiking boots (strikes me as ex-military maybe?) and he talks to himself constantly (last time i caught something about a ham sandwich costing $5?). but mostly he whistles the same thing over and over...it's basically tuneless, but the first five notes sound like wayne shorter's "nefertiti" and it drives me insane.

what're the odds that one of these people has a similar thread on another messageboard somewhere w/ remy included instead, and what would the description be?

― Frightening, but full of facts that are difficult to argue with. (dan m), Thursday, April 28, 2011 10:06 AM (2 hours ago)

terrifying notion. maybe 'guy who consistently slathers himself with moisturizer after coming out of the pool and shower'? i get a lot of weird looks, like dudes in the lockers think it's crazy effete to be taking care of my bad skin so that i don't have a break-out. i'm mortified that some old coot is gonna call me a nancy-boy or somesuch, because of the cream i put on my back/shoulders

I don't have any weird locker room tics in particular. But I'm sure I've developed a general rep as "guy who is terrible at basketball and yet always shooting hoops," because I shoot around or play 1-on-1 or 3-on-3 about 4x a week now and am not very good, and I often run into the same people.

there is one guy at my gym, looks like a lion tamer from the circus, big handlebar stache etc (no tophat) that wears a weight belt so tight it looks like his head will explode at any second. He also screams out while benching or squatting "YEAH COME ON BOY, YEAH, COME ON". My guess is he's acting out his weird sexual circus fantasies.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

old naked prospector got ROBBED but thx other right thinking voter

only weirdo at my gym is the dude who wears like three layers of clothing so he sweats like a motherfucker, is lazy about cleaning machines, and spend more time showering/drying than working out.

what gym do you go to CAD?

lol the planet fitness in either marlborough or porter sq.

I voted old naked whiskers man without even reading the descriptions. Just from that initial description he was quite clearly a dude.

basically friendly people at my gym, only a few weirdos like this skinny 60ish guy w/spikey white hair and pink near-albino skin. often swims laps at the same time as me, starts up w/the small talk afterwards in the locker room so I try to be polite (for a change) and chit-chat. OK very nice, but after the following exchange I went back to being my usual brusque and preoccupied self:

him: were you ever a child actor

me: hahaha no

him: well you look like a child actor

me: who? anyone specific

him: no not really. you just LOOK LIKE a child actor

me: huh

haven't seen him for awhile but there was another guy in my gym who was like a gay Big Red

The king of the Disgusting Savages used to go to my gym. He would do 30 or 45 minutes hauling ass on the elliptical machine while chewing on a terry cloth wash cloth. He always had 1/4 or more of the soggy rag in his mouth, and he was very aggro in his chomping. I gag just thinking about that freak. Off the machine he was sort of cute - blond, fit, mid-20s, nice cheeks.

Maybe he choked on the rag and no one tried to save him.

why did he do that?????

I do not know. I wondered that a lot, though.

He always used the upstairs ellipticals that look out over the rest of the gym. It was his stage.