The Apprentice UK 2011

Meet the candidates:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/apprentice/series7/candidates.shtml

There's an Ed Hunter!

And a Jim Eastwood - a parallel universe Tim Westwood?

Leon already has the 'haunted' look.

None of the videos work and some of the profile pages don't exist, but anyway...

• Leon Doyle - a bit of a tool but should be good for Shibby type lols. "I don’t like your gimmicky salesman who thinks he can sell ice to an Eskimo. Chances are he probably can’t, and why would an Eskimo buy ice?"
• Alex Britez Cabral - no profile link, but watch for 'Britez Empire' punnage from a bored production team.
• Melody Hossaini - "was trained on climate change by Al Gore." translation: watched that film he made.
• Felicity Jackson - "is inspired by the T-Mobile brand." WTF?! Your standard "is only in this to get a career in TV" contestant.
• Edna Agbarha - oldest, ie over 35, contestant.
• Susan Ma - no profile link.
• Ellie Reed - aggro contestant "I don’t like lazy people... dole dossers that don’t want to work. I don’t like posh kids who have everything on a plate"
• Helen Louise Milligan - no profile link.
• Natasha Scribbins - "I’m like a really fine tuned switch. If I need to turn it down then I turn it down. If I need to turn it up then I turn it up" - sonds more like a knob to me... ba dum tish! Will not listen to criticism.
• Vincent Disneur - "My positive approach and very good looks make me stand out from the crowd" ...and don't forget his modesty.
• Gavin Winstanley - "I’m everything. I’m all mouth."
• Ed 'unter - "I’m the wheeler dealer who accidentally became a finance professional and wants out" - also available for careers planning advice.
• Jim Eastwood - "I’m not a show pony or a one-trick pony, I’m not a jack-ass or a stubborn mule, and I’m definitely not a wild stallion that needs to be tamed. I am the champion thoroughbred that this process requires" - what this process does not require: someone who knows a lot of synonyms for 'horse'.
• Tom Pellereau - no profile link.
• Glenn Ward - he's 28, but like all Apprentice candidates seems to look far older. Cites Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg as his inspiration - toady backstabber alert! This series' Sophecles?
• Zoe Beresford - "I will do whatever it takes to win"

lacking totty this year though.

"it's all there"

JUST ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES MATE

oh godddddddddddddddddddd

i know edward from university

haha

do tell! was "all there" then already?

(I know I shouldn't say this, but something in his tristesse face, when at his most desperate, reminded me of LJ... I miss LJ ;_; )

Leon Doyle - a bit of a tool but should be good for Shibby type lols. "I don’t like your gimmicky salesman who thinks he can sell ice to an Eskimo. Chances are he probably can’t, and why would an Eskimo buy ice?"

nathan barley more like.

where IS lj? xp

we were kind of friends but i think only cos he liked to copy my homework assignments. i remember him being pretty religious

he was always a nice guy actually but someone really should have told him to stay away from that show

loved the guy who screamed

"I'M GOING TO DEFUSE THE SITUATION!!!"

someone graduated from situation defusing school with a first clearly

I like soup man and scouse bloke and inventor guy. Not convinced that Edward is even real, despite evidence above. Don't like Leon because he looks like Piers Morgan and I don't like the bloke that should have gone into the board room because he looks like Jamie Carragher.

None of the girls really stood out, but assume large Edna v Melody FITE brewing.

@ Whatever, I think he's pre-honeymooning down under somewhere.. rip big man

^'pre-honeymooning down under' sounds like a massive euphemism...

Who was the one on the loser team who Sugar called 'sensible'?

Looking forward to seeing what the Avon lady (that's what's meant by self-employed skincare consultant, right?) learned from the college where Desmond Tutu, Al Gore and the Dalai Lama hang out dispensing wisdom to wannabe LordSugs.

Her accent was really annoying... I'm sorry, I don't want to be "that guy" that thinks accents are annoying, but in this case...

the orange guy was absolutely terrifying my god

I presume the guy that looks like a cross between Antoine Descaunes and Zlatan Ibrahamovic is too ridiculous to comment on for now? Karren Brady was genuinely gobsmacked that anyone fell for his patter, and I'm with her. Ugh.

Heeee yeah I so thought OMG Zlatan! :)

Didn't think he was so ridiculous, but I'm sure by the next episode I will? I liked how he forced his voice down to sound more authoritative. I thought that was lol cute.

He was mega-smarmy, and he did that cufflink-adjusting thing that makes me cringe.

Basically this stage is such an ocean of twattery that first impressions are worthwhile substitutes for paying real attention.

Delighted that rolling with punches isn't going to be a thing any more.

He reminded me of Begbie from Trainspotting

But what the hell was the deal with Edward? He was like the worst contestant ever! Almost as if he intended to fuck it up. Begging, whining, desperately trying to save his bum at the end... God, get one grip.

If he had balls he'd told Lord Sugar "No, I'm not choosing two other men, I am responsible for fucking it up, deal with me." He'd have scored points with that. If he'd still got fired it would be with his chin up. This was horrible and cringe-worthy begging, pleading... stfu and go already, bye.

can't believe he stormed out too

Yeah that was rich!

He reminded me of Begbie from Trainspotting

This too. And Mickey Pearce from Only Fools and Horses.

We were cringing too much all the way through the boardroom to fully appreciate the disdainful look on the way out. It was amazing. It really was like someone had taken all the worst bits of the worst previous contestants and decided that that was the way to somehow not be the worst person ever. And failed.

It was the Noel G exit strategy:

AlSug: "Guy, you got to learn to respect yourself. You're alright. Don't deny who you are!"
EdUnt: "Give a shit (looks the other direction)"

they are all utter bastards again. I can't watch this again, I promised myself last time that I wouldn't.

So these beginning quips e.g. "Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footsteps on the moon" - these are now being fed to them Blind Date style. Yes?

I mean, really. These people.

I like the one who looks like a Sad Lucas from Spooks. Also the inventor because he's like Brains from Thunderbirds, but probably because we all know "sciency" type people don't get too far (although not sure how sciency you need to be to invent a ... curved nailfile?)

Funny how they made no reference to the actual reason they failed:

As soon as they got into profit, they slashed their prices in a "job done" fashion.

As opposed to 'earn as much as possible, and only slash prices during the last 30 mins to get rid of stock"...

Didn't they have about 3000 oranges left unsqueezed as well...

Mr Innocent Smoothies: 2008 was a terrible year for us... price of fruit... competitors... someone started this...

> can't believe he stormed out too

i thought he was going to storm out of dara's show too after one of his quips.

as i've said before i can see innocent towers from where i live. or i could if it wasn't 2-storey industrial buildings on an anonymous estate in W12.

2nd task on now.

These puns are app-alling.

I'm loving how they all think everything they do is brilliant.

apps do seem very iFart.

built overnight though.

Both teams are congratulating themselves, but they've done nothing except make funny noises.

An app that played samples of stupid things said by Appr3entice candidates would have probably sold a fortune.

"truly bizarre and unique sounds"

Downloaders be weird.

This year's contestants are the most delusional, backstabby, two-faced bunch ever.

Especially Jim Eastwood. I want him to go, but it'll probably be Nigel Havers Leon.

Jim talking himself out of being called back in was great.

Yeah, for things you think are beneath you.

As somebody who's done temp work, that's pretty much what most people who hire temps use them for.

My NHS dentists sends exactly that sort of reminder.

Service for lazy bastards, Helens idea is shit.

Actually Helen's idea sounds a bit like the premise for The Goodies: "We Do Anything, Anywhere, Anytime"

Susan appears to have something which at least looks like a viable model.

Helen's idea is shit and is covered by quintissentially.com and texts from every fucking service ever.

Tom prediction upthread withdrawn unreservedly, he's really struggling here! that chair is not what they are looking for at all

Helen's idea is amazingly thin.

Susie's is completely predictable and will probably win.

can't guess what Jim's is gonna be.

Think Susan's business plan is the most viable.

Jim: e-learning - he is so full of shit.

So Jim has discussed his idea with nobody.

"I'm not surprised you have a very nice wife."

God, Jim is full of it. E-Learning? www.stupididea.com

www.boatalreadysailed.com

www.bestofabadlot.com

Sticking with my prediction, although Jim and Helen are swappable.

AlSug: "I don't care about the welfare of my staff."

bye Jim

If AlSug could see through the BS for so long, why did he not fire Jim earlier? Oh right, it makes good telly.

bye Susan

Woah, two worthless ideas he hates in the last two.

he could of course decline to go into business with anyone.

This is the guy that OK'd the idea of the double decker video recorder.

Ha Ha Ha!

Oh, a brand new pitch.

WTF Susan can change her idea right at the last minute?!

Other half calling Helen to get a job running Tom's business.

Quality input from Tom there.

YAY

Worst YF panel ever.

lol, michael macintyre

NO FUCKING WAY

No-one LOLs at Macintyre.

sorry joel just told me who won

B=b-but everyone else was even more shit!

So betting Helen gets a job running Tom's company. Her fate left hanging at the end of the prog...

xp
Susan: make some soap!
Jim: e-learning BS!
Helen: Rentaghost/Goodies, then changed to... a bakery!
Tom: a chair!

McIntyre presumably there to engage in some kind of nod-off with Tom to see whose head falls off first.

Susan's been chatting to her accountant prior to this appearance...

nom just explained that Tom was the least worst

All four business pitches were dire... ab-so-lu-tely dire... jeez.

Predicted Helen & Tom lasting it out, Tom deserved to win in the end. Couldn't ever see AlSug going into a "help you wiff yer appointments n stuff"-business. Tom will bring him ideas, at least.

well I was wrong about Tom winning, but it seemed like they had every intention of dumping his business plan.

Well, Tom's was the only one that had any kind of credibility left.

My wife, who knows, was citing chapter and verse in reaction to AlSug's "I don't care about absenteeism and the chairs my employees sit on" as that's exactly what the point of the 'safety at work' act states: Review of seating in offices is mandatory. Of course, the kind of mandatory that tends to get ignored, but still you are not supposed to broadcast on TV that you have 'no interest' in it.

Which means, all of Tom's Business plan had credibility.

Susans also, but proved to be too expensive. Although AlSug was very "I'll keep in touch with her" meaning next week I reckons.

^^^That's like a less offensive version of the whole not wanting to hire women because they might, shock horror, get PREGNANT controversy...

Yeah, Alan Sugar's wholesale dismissal of the concept of a duty of care towards his employees was kind of stunning.

On reflection, this really has been a dreadful series. No direction, no aiming towards the big prize, and some truly stupid contestants.

On reflection, this really has been a dreadful grebt series. No direction, no aiming towards the big prize, and some truly stupid contestants.

Fixed ;)

I didn't see the final, but I really felt like this year's was the BBC's attempt to stop being so gloomy about the recession and put a positive spin on things. Look, you can make money out of anything if you're prepared to do some hard graft! Even You're Fired had semi-proper interviews with business people, all with the same positive message. It all felt very much like a show with an agenda.

Which was miles better...

In fact, AlSug admitting as much because:

1) Giving the winner a highly paid job "managing a company that recycles old computers" was not going to hold much attraction to some brightyoungthing that suddenly has a TV image to exploit (cf: the Badger 'brand' and the 'Brand' brand (even if Stuart Brand is this programme's Jedward in that respect)

2) um...

Oh yeah:

2) Beacuse having the winner do something that was their idea is always going to keep their interest much longer.

Yeah yeah, I get all that, but having them do the same pishy "flog shit in France with no recourse to research materials or understanding of international business"/"market something you have no concept of"/"do a scavenger hunt" tasks was even less relevant than usual.

Then again, if it was just "punt your business idea to me" (which was all that ultimately mattered in the end), then you're basically just remaking Dragon's Den.

Abs.