Lies

I had an ex who did not want to break my heart. Instead of telling me he thought we growing apart he told me he was having an affair.

Someone came in saying she was working for the FBI and we had to call the cops. When my dad said he refused to make a phonecall, she took a mirror and threw it at me. She's a nutter. Once invited a couple of marine-guys and stripped naked. Only to realize they suddenly wanted *more*. She ran outside and ran naked through the streets. Uh yeah, she wasn't from the FBI.

the worst was I'll call yoou in the next week - 4 years later and she still hasn't. The best? milk is cow's cum.

My sister told me her friend Mave wrote 'American Pie'

Pete and Tom told me that the 2 chancers lurking outside 24 hour Sainsburys with us on Friday night seeking fags were Basement Jaxx. I was so drunk I think I momentarily believed them and cursed myself for not inviting them back up to our flat. I did give them 2 fags though.

When I was wee and asked my brother what the "To Let" signs meant he told me they were actually supposed to read Toilet and that the i's had just fallen off. I was often surprised at the number of facilities to be found in some areas.

Did you go and wee in these uninhabited homes?

I bet they all had toilets in them, so I suppose they were not being factually incorrect. And frankly it is easier to say that than explain the complexities of the property market - with the dodgy estate agents, the gazumping and the idea that anyone can own land - to a three year old.

Clare Short stole my taxi.

Fortunately I was not at the age where I was allowed to wander off and wee wherever I wanted. Which was really annoying especially when my mum made me go in the ladies to let. I was never really happy with that. Oh how times change.

I hate it when women bring their male children into the ladies' toilet. And I hate it even more when they bring their male children to the family swim at my gym and there are 7 year old boys running round ogling all the naked chicks.

STop talking about boy s looking at your brosts

Only if you stop looking at them.

I went to the gym today as it's free with work and sat in the jacuzzi for ages. I don't think that really counts as exercise does it? I just wish I was 7 then the gym would have been even more fun.

7 year old boys are becoming dirtier and dirtier - Fred Solinger's nephews actually physically grabbed my tits one night. I mean, really, shouldn't they still be innocent at 7? Playing Pokemon Stadium? These modern children, I never.

The worst lie anyone ever told me - do you mean like worst in terms of the skill involved or worst in terms of how bad it was personally? Skill involved, well there was one that keeps getting circulated about me by someone I know but since he might read this I'll keep my mouth shut because really there's no need to keep ripping open that old ass wound. Probably my sisters claiming that I "gave" them an entire bag of clothing and makeup once that they stole out of my room. I was like, uh, hello, you'd think I'd remember doing that, you assholes.

Best lie was easily anything my mom's ever lied to me about, from my sister getting her tongue pierced down. She's a fantastic liar, 90% of what she says is made up I reckon but she can get you going to believe her. The best one was when I was a child she told us that the lighters in the car were actually buttons linking to a sophisticated electroshock system that electrified the chairs, so if the kids were being bad you can shock them into submission. We believed that for well over a year and a half, until I decided, as I always do (hence the poison taster reputation) to try it out and realized it was just a lighter. She also had us believing that Weekly World News was a real newspaper, I believed that til I was like 10.

Emma, they were Basement Jaxx.

One of Ethan's mates told me a lie about how Basement Jaxx got their name in IM chat.

Ally - they are related to Fred Solinger = they are sexual deviants?

OK, then Tom, in that case who were those two DIFFERENT MEN in the pub last night who you also told me were Basement Jaxx? It seems a new lie is emerging, i.e. get Emma drunk, point at 2 men and say Look! Basement Jaxx!

They are men pointed out to Emma when drunk = they are Basement Jaxx

It would all be more believable if we were drinking in Brixton rather than outside Sainsbury's on Hornsey Road or in Soho. My mate who lives down there saw them in her local once for real but as I wasn't there they could not be pointed out to me. Luckily for all the men who get pointed at I manage to maintain a vestige of sense when drunk or all would be lost.

Basement Jaxx is really a huge collective like So Solid Crew. The beardy one out of last night's Basement Jaxx then listened in to the whole rest of our conversation, looking especially amused by the "WE HATE EMMA" petition.

I think we should have an ILE sweepstake on how many Basement Jaxxes Emma sees in the pub this evening. My brother has a goatee so he must be in BJ.

I hope you didn't ask them to sign it when I was powdering my nose.