101 stupid accidents round the home

but also I made a small cut on my finger as I was trying to open a package (new vinyl so I was very very eager).

''So I took my tweezers to it and managed to stab myself in the thumb. I was drunk, if that helps.''

yeah that does explain. drink explains a lot of things.

My feet are bare.

ME: scure me tom scuse me tom move yr feet OI move yr feet
TOM: *oblivious*
ME: soddit
*steps over feet*
TOM: what?
TOM: *brings feet down on sarahs bare feet, ripping off half of her big toenail too*.

I share DG's 'OUCH'. The table has now been removed from the front room - as has Tom hahaha (okay he is actually on holiday). When he comes back his reputation will be RUINED!

I have a brand new fingernail now!

As for injuring myself, I broke my arm 3 times as a kid, once by tripping over a 6" high wall, once by falling over a laundry basket and then down the stairs, and once (this is the only impressive one) by landing badly when attempting a daring jump from a garden swing during a game of 'circuses'.

More recently at work I was stapling a receipt to a merchant copy of something and I tried to fix the stapler, I fixed it so it stapled into my thumb. I had to pry it out with a pen and it was pretty fucking sore.

Most recently spectacular fall: Getting out of bench at Wagamama's - I didn't notice that the bench ended next to me, and tried to get out of the bench the way you would if you were trapped in on both sides. I fell though the space in between the benches - slamming my side into the end of the other bench. The bruise didn't go away for 2 weeks and the shame is obviously still with me (didn't help that I was haggling with the waitress over the bill 2 min beforehand)

so i am back to hand-mixing = no gingerbread for months :(

i once whether tested a soldering iron had heated up by touching it: it had!!

There's more, but I'm limiting this to the Home environment.

I also do the oven shelf burn thing - when I went on holiday I had three all at the same angle about 2mm apart. YOU'D THINK I'D LEARN.

Worst non-kitchen accident: in a rented house we were moving into a few years ago, I cleaned the gas fire by running two fingers wth a duster along the brass piece at the top. Which turned out to be knife sharp. I didn't even feel it till I realised I'd cut both fingers down to the bone.

i. peeled a banana and eaten it and — being in lazy bachelor slob mode — not got up and taken peel into kitchen, where the bin for things like that is, but tossed it onto the hall floor by the kitchen door *soon and inevitably to be picked up and taken into the kitchen* while i continued to watch some rub TV prog

ii. prog ends and i go to kitchen but forget abt banana "placed" so i will remember to pick it up

iii. i am reminded of its presence => they are totally friction free!!

and when i was doing welding a few months ago, not once but twice did a spark jump up from the metal piece and find its way into my shoe which wasnt so painful but very funny for surrounding students watching me shake my foot around furiously while trying to maintain control of acetylene torch. also: i was using a piece of metal as a ruler, i forgot to only touch the bottom bit and burnt my hand a little. also: i cut out a very small piece of metal, it fell to floor, i didnt wait long enough before trying to pick it up, burnt my hand a little more.

Actually I am lucky in that I haven't hurt myself in that house (yet)

also i love to watch hurried people on the tube sit on the armrests and try to act nonchalant while "nursing arse"

me: hoping no one noticed
them: not saying anything, (I've got away with it!)
me: excusing myself to go to bathroom 5 mins later seeing me with deep bloody angry wound throbbing scar
me: returning to conversation slightly cleaned up but still no mention though i am resigned to their awareness of

THEN guy comes along and immediately sez: "DUDE What happened to yr face, man?!"

a scary thing that happened to me the other day was hitting myself in the eye with i can't remember what - a pencil or something. but i guess either eyes are really fast with their reflexes, or i got really lucky because my eyelid got it instead of my eyeball.

There's a Thingy song called "Big Dumb Animal" which really sums up this thread: "I'm an imbecile, imbecile/I'm a big, dumb animal/Put my fingers in a fan.." etc.

I have a big burn on my finger from trying to light a ring last night (with a cigareete lighter), and getting a full jet of flame in my knuckle. The alternative is lighting it with one of the kitchen blow-lamps they have here, which is somehow safer.

(my fgran used to have a little battery-operated portable version of the sparky thing, but that may have come with the cooker)

(small mark s tht it was the best thing ever and exhausted many batteries just sitting making it spark on the back door step))

Battery operated sparky wands RoX0r. When you're not cooking you can pretend it's a ray gun!

robster those matches are not for ovens, it says so on the front

in other news: q-tips not to be used in ears

And a back step.

yeah, i got one. he's called FAGOR.

I've been burnt doing that too. Now I know that the trick is to take a strip of paper (torn from a travelcard or a receipt like the ones in your pocket), twist it into a snake shape (to stop the flame travelling too quickly), light one end, and there you go.

2. While making bed, am snapping sheet to remove wrinkles and also move the sheet down the length of bed - somehow end-up getting edge of sheet behind my head - go to "snap" it and yank my head violently forward. Spent four weeks seeing chiropractor every day to work-out kinks.

3. While sitting on front porch, wearing sweater of similar color to flowers I am sitting next to, a hummingbird mistook my chest for a flower and its beak went through the sweater and bra and broke the skin. Puncture wound became infected - doctor still tells the anecdote.

In the emergency room I felt extraordinary warmth and goodwill towards everyone. The X-ray guy in particular was funny, he was singing Ritchie Valens the whole time. They have this ragged but unflagging sense of humor about everything. Someone to my doc: "How you doing Doctor Terry?" His reply: "Fine... as far as I can tell."

i had no substantial sticking plasters in the house and ppl arriving in like 15 mins (hi ktee!!), and had to improvise with a handkerchief and duct tape — which wz fine in the event, though i still have a visible (tiny) scar and had to endure komikal remarks abt "no need to slash yr wrists hoho blah blah" from the goofier element

had I gone on COBRA I'd be out 800 dollars; if I pay the hospital direct for their tender loving care I'm only out 300 dollars :)