a dream I'll probably never forget

A few of you know that I have a grandfather who is not doing well. This is my maternal grandfather, who along with my maternal grandmother, and mother, I grew up with, and lived with until high school. (Dad was out of the picture by the time I was too young). To this day, they still live in the same house near Malibu and Santa Monica, CA. I've only known life figuring that whenever I call that house, my grandmother will answer the phone and all three of them will be around living their life in that house the same as they always have.

Anyway, for years almost, my grandfather has been pretty diagnosed with a heart condition which, sparing the details, boils down to: he could pretty much go away at any moment. It's inevitible. And it will probably happen "soon". As in, between any day now and within a year or so. He hasn't gone away yet. And he has been in that state for a long time. Somehow, I lucked out (or not) avoiding the passing away of a close family member before I turned 30.

The reason why I'm awake right now is because of a dream I just had. It started off and proceeded just like any weird-ass dream. But the dream took a different path at a certain point... But the setting... I was in a very luxurious courtyard that was part of this bizarre, artistic, flowery watery amusement park ride (No, it wasn't It's A Small World, thank god). There were a number of dogs running around... all I overheard or sensed was that these dogs were recently rescued from an animal shelter/pound, so they were super excited, super anxious, and sniffing everything in sight at breakneck speeds. I was digging through some large dresser drawer for some really pasty, thin, decadent chocolate cake cookies of some sort...

Across the courtyard came a familiar figure. This was a girl I went out with a few times back in December, almost immediately after I got laid off from my job for the very first time. We spent many a time back then going to bars getting smashed, especially at the Lava Lounge. I had never drunk so much in such a short amount of time before (and I surprisingly handled it well) In a way, she helped me out by distracting me bigtime. It was a necessary distraction, because I had never been laid off in my life before. I had no idea what life would be like NOT WORKING since I, well, started working full time. (Of course, it turned out much better than I feared then, thankfully...anyway)

She was walking toward me very slowly in that fashionable demure she always had, dressed in something that was saturated and kaleidoscopic, but of the same color patterns as the flowers in the courtyard and the amusement park. But it was something quite "serious" looking. She was walking slowly, and she looked rather serious. Before I had a chance to say hi to her from across the courtyard, these three female figures came up to me and put lei's over my head, and told me "come with us". I was whisked away to this portal in the middle of the courtyard, where I had to wade on a secret little boat underneath the entire amusement park ride in order to get into this strange condominium or house below. (Ugh, this all sounds so Lewis Carroll)

I was in this really stark, dark anti-room and opened the door, about the enter this house. I can't tell you why, but this house was where I knew my maternal family lived for a while now. This house is very different than the house my family still habitates in real life. The house in the dream is this darker house that's mainly just one huge hallway with doors and rooms far apart from each other. I'm afraid to say, the color choice of the house is rather a gaudy shaded Pepto Bismol pink, with magenta frills... something my family would never commission. At that point, I was wondering when I was going to see this girl, wondering why she had three female Hawaiian escorts grab me randomly to come see her here. Turns out I would never see her in the dream again, and that I would forget about her.

I enter the house, and somehow turn to the left, towards the room that I know is my mom's. I walk in to the room, and I say "Hi Mom!". I don't hear an answer. I poke in and see a silhouette of my mom furiously putting away laundry. I back out of the hallway, and turn around to go towards the living room. From far away, I see a silhouette of my grandmother sitting on a chair, with more silhouettes of what seem to be younger guys walking around behind her, working on something. My grandmother tells me, in the most absolutely saddest, reserved, shaky and disturbed tone.. "h-hi, brian"... like it took all her energy to say it. I had no idea if my grandfather was in the living room, but that tone of voice sounded exactly like the tone of voice that could mean only one thing. End of dream.

I didn't wake up screaming from the dream like you'd might expect. After I heard that... sigh, uggh... that..."hi, brian" from my grandmother's silhouette.. I froze, had a sinking feeling, and the dream slowly faded away and I slowly phased into becoming awake.

And it was that tone of voice that would be so accurate for that kind of news... that will probably haunt me until the inevitible happens in the real world.

Re-reading what I just typed, I clearly have been taking my physical distance from my family for granted. I talk to my grandmother on an almost daily basis these days -- more frequently than I have been in the past, by choice. I always ask how my grandfather is. She says "Oh.. well, you know", and continues on, as if this doesn't even phase her anymore. I would talk to my grandfather, but he always hands off the phone to my grandmother before I get a chance to get in ten words -- or often, he's sleeping. (Sigh, dammit, I don't care if he's not capable of a coherent conversation anymore.. I'm gonna stick it out and at least try to have a conversation with him the next time I call.)

Re-reading the dream I just logged, jesus god, the symbolisms in that dream are so obvious even to a third grader who just learned what "symbolism" means in his English class where it was Poetry day. Hmmmm, ok, maybe not that obvious. But the open interpretations of the dream, and what certain figures and objects mean, are easy to make.

It won't be a surprise to me when the inevitible happens -- but I've been fearing what it would actually feel like, sound like, smell like, look like around me when I hear news of the inevitible. And this dream was the hammer across my head that gave me a sharp taste of what that feeling would approximate.

I guess this doesn't sound too tragic to anyone but me... but, dear god, I have to tell somebody.. even if it's typing away to some dormant world of bits and ASCII in the butt end of the morning. And, dammit, when it's a decent hour, I'm gonna make a phone call to my folks that's different than the ones I made before.

...

I've tried to call my grandmother since 9:30am or so, and scarily enough there's no answer this time. Occasionally they leave the house for certain reasons, but sheesh, this is just unlucky timing right now, for obvious reasons. I don't need to be more paranoid...