Brazilian Sexy

So the woman who invented the Brazilian bikini wax has a new book out called "Brazilian Sexy" that I think we need to talk about. Here are 10 tips from her book one more baffling than the next.

) BRAZILIAN WAXES ARE MORE SANITARY.

“[Brazilian bikini waxes] are a lot more sanitary, because you can just wash that area and get it really clean. No more hair to interfere. When you wipe yourself, nothing gets tangled in your hair. It’s as if you were never really clean before. Additionally, when you have a Brazilian, you don’t have a lot of discharge out of your vagina, and it’s a lot cleaner.”

2) STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE!

“If I get an itch on my face, I use the heel on my hand to scratch it. Never do I use my fingernails. Oh no, the face is not the place for that, it’s too rough on the skin. It’s one of the things I notice in American women, is that they touch their faces all of the time. In Brazil and in Europe, you will see that women never touch their faces.”

3) DON’T MAKE FUNNY FACES.

“I try not to make funny faces. Otherwise the skin is going to be a mess. […] I think it stretches out the muscles, and they don’t go back to the way they should be.”

4) WALK OUTSIDE TO GET COLOR.

“I spend half an hour or so every day out in the sun. Even in the winter, I make sure to get outside, walk, feel the sun on my face. In the summer, same thing. I make sure my arms are uncovered so they get some color, too. Nothing too much, but a little color on my skin feels good.”

5) STARE DOWN AT – NOT STRAIGHT-ON INTO – A MIRROR TO APPLY PERFECT EYELINER.

“I used to stand up in front of the mirror [to apply liner] and it was never the same from one side of my face to another, and never the same on top or on bottom. Then one day I was playing on the bed with my granddaughter, and she had this little mirror. I leaned over it and it was amazing – my eyes weren’t squinting. I realized that when you looked down at the mirror instead of straight ahead of it, your eye stayed open. I went to my bag and grabbed an eyeliner and drew a line under my eye – perfect. Then I drew a line on top – perfect. This trick […] is foolproof.”

6) DIET IS EVERYTHING.

“There are always big bowls of fruits in my house […] and walnuts and nutcrackers everywhere, always. Brazilian people also eat a lot of guarra nut powder. It’s a little fruit that grows in the Amazon; it has a black seed that you put in the oven to dry and you make it a powder. You can put it into your coffee or juice. It’s very healthy and gives you energy, makes your stomach feel right. I personally eat a lot of acacia berries for energy […] and I eat a lot of cilantro. Cilantro is very important for stamina, and if you eat it every day it gives you the get up and go you need.”

7) THE SECRET TO MAKING HIM HAPPY IS ...

"Men love oral sex [...] So many men have told me this and when I ask new men about it they always agree -- they want you to put your little finger in their asshole when they are about to have an orgasm. They want you to press down on the floor of the anus, the area closer to the scrotum [...] Now, some women like to do this and there's no problem. You just have to make sure not to put that finger anyplace else until you wash it really well. It can carry a lot of bacteria that could get in your vagina and give you an infection."

8) TASTE YOURSELF.

"If you want to know what your vagina tastes like, why not just put a clean finger up in there and then take it out and lick it? If we want someone else to taste, then why not us, too? It's like serving soup that you haven't tasted yet. You want to know, so do it. It's tasty, right?"

9) RE-VIRGINIZE YOURSELF IN THE SHOWER.

"It sounds like it would be hard to do, but it is very simple. When you're taking a shower, you put one leg up on the side of the bathtub. Put your middle finger inside your vagina, push up and run the finger around, like you were cleaning your nose. Take the finger out, rinse it off, and then do it again. And again. By that time, the vagina will be getting tighter. After a few times, it's hard to even get your finger in. I tell my clients to do this before they make love. So when the man tries to put his penis in, it will be too tight [...] The sex will be better than you ever had before."

10) KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN.

When I ask men their biggest turnoff, the thing they wish would change in women, guys from all over the world -- Italians, French, Brazilians, Greeks -- they tell me that they are concerned American women aren't cleaning themselves that well down there. We have to take another few minutes when we are in the shower to clean our vagina and anus. You take some soap and get that area soapy, then rinse off. You don't use soap inside your vagina, only water. Maybe a washcloth to help around back. It takes no time. But just the way you wouldn't forget to wash your legs, you shouldn't forget to wash your genitals."

Which is your favorite? I was gonna poll but thought discussion would be better suited in this instance. Oh and i would really really appreciate it if someone would explain #9 to me cause idgi. Thank you in advance.

Sorta wish I had left out #1 cause it's a) laughable and b) likely to turn this into another boring hair v. bare thread.

Additionally, when you have a Brazilian, you don’t have a lot of discharge out of your vagina

lol

#8 o_0

3) DON’T MAKE FUNNY FACES.

otm

9) RE-VIRGINIZE YOURSELF IN THE SHOWER.

always

Ha I knew that one would be commented on first. I actually totally agree with her on that one. Well, mostly.

Oh wait - that was to #8

9) RE-VIRGINIZE YOURSELF IN THE SHOWER.

BUT WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING HERE?

More importantly - how many ppl reading this thread will now actually try this next time they shower.

5) STARE DOWN AT – NOT STRAIGHT-ON INTO – YOUR BRAZILIAN SLAVES

x-post I don't know that I'd liken it to serving soup, for instance.

http://www.xojane.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/article_full_width/field_image_attachments/article/Picture%2010_2.png

A Gorgeous and Confident Life (with less discharge)

11) SERVE SOUP OUT OF YOUR VAGINA

"Men love oral sex [...] So many men have told me this and when I ask new men about it they always agree -- they want you to put some soup in to your vagina and serve it to them with a spoon when they are about to have an orgasm."

lol

     ^
secrets to 
  living
a gorgeous
    and
confident
    life
     v

what a gorgeous life shes living look at her revirginizing herself in the shower

i'm definitely revirginizing myself

12. be sure to toss your own salad once in a while

Stop making me laugh ppl - I am not supposed to make funny faces, remember!?

also gtfo with that anus stuff lady. i dont even like going near my own ass let alone inviting someone inside like a vampire.

push up and run the finger around, like you were cleaning your nose
push up and run the finger around, like you were cleaning your nose
push up and run the finger around, like you were cleaning your nose
push up and run the finger around, like you were cleaning your nose

I love how these range from totally normal stuff like going out & getting some sun to RE-VIRGINIZE YOURSELF IN THE SHOWER.

Exactly.

There are a couple that are totally otm and the rest are like batshit insane not to mention ridiculous.

neti?

vaginal neti

wait - i guess that's just a douche

which should be rebranded as vaginal netis imo

or netis should be rebranded as nose douches

That's gonna be my new band btw - never forget. Vaginal Neti. We're gonna be huge.

neti pot ... in my vagina

Vagineti™

get vince from slap chop on this

"stop having a boring vagina, stop having a boring life"

have a boring tuna

wait, what

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&biw=1296&bih=688&q=%22guarra+nut+powder%22&oq=%22guarra+nut+powder%22&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=741l741l0l1145l1l1l0l0l0l0l28l28l1l1l0

FETUCINNI, LINGUINI, MARTINI, VAGINI

fuck you now people know I read xojane.com

actually I don't care

I will forever love/hate Jane Pratt.

I heard it praised
By drugstore clerks
I tried the stuff
Hot dog!
It works
Lysol Douche
― Tep (ktepi), Friday, June 18, 2004 11:05 AM (7 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

If you're stuck
with dirty gash,
never fear -
give us a splash!
LYSOL DOUCHE!
― David R. (popshots75`), Friday, June 18, 2004 11:08 AM (7 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Pine Sol makes you
Taste like trees
This will have him
On his knees
LYSOL DOUCHE!
― Tep (ktepi), Friday, June 18, 2004 11:09 AM (7 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Eddie Murphy does a routine about putting Old Spice on his dick and the subsequent trauma (culminating in his mother catching him with his dick in the sink and his grandmother telling him he's nasty).
― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, June 18, 2004 11:11 AM (7 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Man's complaining?
Get a clue!
Soap and water
just won't do.
LYSOL DOUCHE!
― David R. (popshots75`), Friday, June 18, 2004 11:12 AM (7 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

(Another one taken from Burma Shave):
It has a tingle
And a tang
That starts the day off
With a bang
LYSOL DOUCHE!

― Tep (ktepi), Friday, June 18, 2004 11:19 AM (7 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Inky binky
parlez-vous;
Europeans stink,
and so do you!
LYSOL DOUCHE!

omg

A disgusting young harlot, Louise,
Had cunt hair right down to her knees.
The crabs in her twat
Tied her hair in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeeze.
― x Jeremy (Atila the Honeybun), Friday, June 18, 2004 11:52 AM (7 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

It sounds like it would be hard to do, but it's very simple

hard to believe it's been seven years since lysol douche

haha sorry I wasn't trying to reveal yr blog habits - just pointing out that "guarra nut powder" is apparently not even a real thing

xpost yeah might be time for another one amirite

YAY!!!

btw - I have not yet read the comments on that article but someone probably should because there are bound to be some gems from my fellow xojane.com readers. I am leaving now. Do me proud.

It sounds like it would be hard to do, but it's very simple

― horseshoe, Tuesday, September 13, 2011 4:53 PM (28 seconds ago) Bookmark

Wait what is?

Also that YAY was for you, bb.

who doesn't wash their genitals etc in the shower?? like isn't that the main point of showering??

<3

that is what this crazy lady says about revirginizing yourself!

xp

some of us have bidets ffs

oh god

q-rethra

Yeah, I heard he was a little bent outta shape, mh.

q-rethra

respect

Oh, Christ. I just googled "self-cleaning vagina" to get some quote on this as back-up and was greeted by several totally spread eagle ladies.

I like interpreting this as said ladies bursting into E's workplace and splaying

it's a setting on the vagina dial. 'cold' tepid' 'lukewarm' 'hot' 'very hot' 'self-cleaning'

just make sure there's nothing in it at the time, or yll end up with cinders

so you guys are talking about fistulas huh

was inevitable, really

http://www.gdansk-life.com/media/pics/river.jpg

Remove Bookmark from this Thread

people love to rap about 'tearin' the booty out the frame' and what have you, but when the inevitable anal fistula emerges, then everybody splits

You sure you don't mean prolapse?

Remove Bookmark from this Thread

remove pubic hair from this ass

many xposts

fuck you now people know I read xojane.com

actually I don't care

I will forever love/hate Jane Pratt.

― your mom the burrito (ENBB), Tuesday, 13 September 2011 20:52 (2 days ago)

my family is from Durham and was good friends w/ the Pratts growing up; apparently Jane babysat for me a when she was home from college (though I was only like 2 or 3 so I don't remember any of this).

I just wanna go back to this for a sec:

7) THE SECRET TO MAKING HIM HAPPY IS ...
8) TASTE YOURSELF.

x-post !!! :D

Sorta wish I had left out #1 cause it's a) laughable and b) likely to turn this into another boring hair v. bare thread.

I am wistfully looking at this prediction, thinking of what could have been

the hare / bare bunch?

HAIRBARESTARE

lol

brb i'm gonna go search to see if anyone has used 'Q-Rethra Franklin' dn yet

http://www.writers-network.com/avatars/care-bear.gif

3) DON’T MAKE FUNNY FACES.

3) DON’T MAKE FUNNY FACES.
8) TASTE YOURSELF.

I definitely think if youre reading closely, 3) & 4) subtly telegraph the craziness that hits you full force by 7)

"It's well-known by women in Croatia that sitting on a cold surface is bad for you, that's probably why you're sick now."

I have been told this!

I just thought "whatever, lady, you think an IUD can get out of you uterus and get lost inside your body. I am not trusting science and health information from you."

Errrr - they can. As far as I understand it it's pretty uncommon but I'm IUD can technically perforate the uterus and migrate to some other part of the abdominal cavity.

I think usually happens when the uterus is perforated during insertion rather than a well-inserted IUD just sorta doing it itself but still, it can actually wind up in some other part of the body.

Someone once told me that sitting on concrete gives you hemorrhoids. I don't know if that is a "telephone game" version of the same advice?

btw kudos everyone for not starting a poll

This lady walked around unknowingly with 2 IUDS, one of which had migrated to her abdominal cavity, for 10 years!

http://www.marmaramedicaljournal.org/text.php3?id=442

should I be as horrified by that as I am or is that not that big of a deal

Meh. I've read/seen a lost weirder things. That said, the term "PROTRUDING URETHRAL STONE" is pretty horrifying.

I think that's what is getting to me

Yikes!

iuds be migratin

must be autumn

It's either a virgin fantasy or it's a I'm so huge fantasy, neither of which are particularly my thing.

Me neither. Mine is the I'm so Hugo Chavez fantasy. Brazilian gals love it.

Oh, I think the women at work thought it would just float out rather than accidental perforation.

And everyone at work except me believes if you pluck one white hair out, two more grow back.

http://i51.tinypic.com/2dky2ko.jpg

Thank u for nothing, this thread, now every time I touch/scratch my face (I do this more often than I realised) I am selfconcious of it! :(

youre gonna be so sexy once you break that habit tho

You mean I'm not now ;_;

lol trayce posts v much in character

Hahaha knew you would say that <3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBXTnyQ2Hr8

I stumbled across this thread while doing some unrelated searching for the original "mommy hole"/"funny hole" post and yes I still find this hilarious