Waaaait, whut? Slowly reading and liveblogging the Bible!

Genesis 1:27 and then 2:7-25 - two different accounts of the creation of man and woman? You'd think they'd start with clarity but no.

Gen 4 - Cain and Abel bring God some offerings they grew only for God to act like such a dick to Cain for bringing less that he kills Abel. God then wonders why Cain is being a murderous dick. If he couldn't keep the 3rd and 4th people in check, then psssh is he shit at his job. Wonder what happens when he looks over a bunch of people...

Gen 5 - First mention of anyone having female children. Adam's son Seth has some daughters. And yet Cain and Abel had previously got married, to presumably either their own mother or their nieces. I'm sure much more incest is to follow :D

Gen 6 - So there are some more people about and they are 'corrupt' and 'violent' and in 'pain' so he gives Noah a week to find 7 of every clean animal from the whole world, 2 of every unclean animal (why God created unclean animals I don't know, maybe he got lazy as the 5th day ever went on) and a fucking ark 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high. No mention of any help or volunteers although I guess his family chipped in. 7 days! Fucking hell, I couldn't find a stray puppy and build it a dog house in that time. Noah must have been pretty fucking bad ass. Also a dickhead as he seemingly doesn't mind God killing everyone like his neighbours and friends and whoever. This is when he was SIX FUCKING HUNDRED YEARS OLD BY THE WAY. I tells ya, once I hit pension age, fuck building an ark.

6:10 mentions his 2nd son's name is Ham. Lol. Middle child always the unclean meat, amirite?

Anyway, feel free to join in this fun ride of incest, pestulance, genocide and murder.

you should make this a tumblr imo, would follow

Wenger out, Christ in

No mention of any help or volunteers although I guess his family chipped in. 7 days! Fucking hell, I couldn't find a stray puppy and build it a dog house in that time. Noah must have been pretty fucking bad ass.

it was 7 days just to load the animals and family onto the ark, after it was completed. the amount of time it took to build the ark was much longer. c'mon, get realistic about Genesis!!!

Gen 7:24 'The waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days.'

Gen 8:1 'But God remembered Noah...'

Ok so guesses on what God was doing in those 5 months? It must just take like a week of drowning to kill everything so he then decided to go get stoned or whatever and then had a sleep and then was like 'ooh shit yeah that boat!'

when you get to Song of Solomon i'm going to post lots of pictures of couples making out

Ok so guesses on what God was doing in those 5 months?

it was paying attention to one of the other billions of planets in this galaxy alone

ok well that is only about half of war and peace away so get 'em ready should be any day now

well if i had to look at mars for 5 months i'd get p wasted out of boredom after a while

Ok so guesses on what God was doing in those 5 months?

or, God realized it could zoom in on an electron so far that the space inside the electron became another universe, which itself contained trillions^9999999 of other electrons which also contained universes. God is still zooming in and freaking out

lol he's God and he made that shitty electron, k, he should not be freaking out at his own shit

can't wait til u get to the book of revelations, save the druggy talk for then

i'd prob recommend just skipping to the end to read it tbh

*revelation

Gen 8:20 - Good to know the only reason Noah took the clean animals was to sacrifice them after the waters left, in the name of God. That was not at all pointless, nope.

a goy goy

Gen 8:21 The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma* and said in his heart: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood."

WITH YA THERE GOD, I BLAME WHOEVER CREATED THESE HALF ASSED MEN WITH THEIR EVILNESS. That workmanship was pretty shitty end of the week work. Oh also if a bbq is all it took for you to stop murdering everyone then I don't even know...

*of animals being sacrificied, wtf

Gen 9:13 confirms God got stoned imo - "I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth"

Gen 9:20 - Ok so after being part of the murder of everyone he knows, Noah does the only sane thing imo, in starting a vineyard and becoming a depressed drunk! This was God's saviour! :D

Oh wait, but it gets better.

He gets so plastered he decides to take all his clothes off and pass out. Finding out, his sons cover him up only for him to catch the youngest son Jappy (9:25) and curses him for covering his naked drunk arse up and makes him his older bro Shem's slave!

Damn drunkard Noah.

was that a burnt offering? the Lord smelled some bbq iirc

Jappy and Shem are great comedy duo names!

its actually japheth but i prefer jappy

it was bbq

and then, according to my dad while teaching me and the rest of my sunday school class, Japheth's descendants spread into Africa, retaining the Curse of Seeing Noah's Balls, and that's why Africans ended up as slaves and have problems with famine.

this belief is actually "a thing" among lots of people.

mazing

ok so boring bits about having kids etc. and then

Gen 11 - they build a city and the tower of Babel and God is all 'fuck you being able to get along and speak to each other and do something productive! didn't you learn anything from my previous floods? (errrr.....)' and knocks it all down, presumably in a way as horrific as 9/11 was for us to go through, and then condemns everyone to the opposite ends of the earth to not be able to communicate with each other.

...I don't get it. 'I don't want you being violent towards one another and I'm going to kill you all to show you how much i don't like this'. 'I don't want you doing peaceful things together and I'm going to kill a bunch of you to show you how much i don't like this'. MAKE YR FUCKING MIND UP, DICKWAD.

That Noah's Ark movie Aronofsky is potentially doing with Christian Bale will be good for a few laughs i reckon

Ok so Abram and Lot... Gen 12:4 onwards First God colonalises (sp? argh fuck it, i'm 3 beers deep) the Canaan for Abram, and history has taught me that this may not be a smart idea. But its cool, Abram now leading Canaan fucks off as soon as famine hits (12:10) to Egypt, like any great leader would and we know God certainly has a good track record of picking his guy so...

In Egypt he tells them his wife is his sister and so the Pharoah fucks her thinking he was ok with bros before hoes and he wasn't stepping on anyones territory (12:15) only for God to be like wtf Pharoah, why you fucking another dudes broad, here have some diseases for yr sins! And then Abram and Sarai run away.

Fuck knows what the people God decided against before picking Abram were like if this is his #1 dude.

Gen 15:3 - Is it cool for Abram to bonk his servant because it was pre'do not covet yr neighbours wife'? or just because she isn't married? wonder if sarai is cool with this adultery. man god knows how to pick 'em. first they eat the fruit and raise their sons to kill each other, then there is the drunk, now this guy is going around fucking what he can! 3 for 3.

ok so i feel at 15 pages a day i can stay sane and also have it done in about 3 months. In this time I have also drunk 3 beers, put some washing on, made it to 7th after 14 games (a great feat considering I was predicted last) while also buying two sweet looking Danish regens and uploaded like 10 albums I've been meaning to do for ages. Productivity!

See you tomorrow bitches.

...I don't get it. 'I don't want you being violent towards one another and I'm going to kill you all to show you how much i don't like this'. 'I don't want you doing peaceful things together and I'm going to kill a bunch of you to show you how much i don't like this'. MAKE YR FUCKING MIND UP, DICKWAD.

well, in the case of babel god was angry because the humans thought they could build a tower so high that they'd be like god. which is UNACCEPTABLE because they might be able to kick him in the face up there

oh shit yeah

that plus the whole tree of knowledge thing - god must love day time tv keeping the masses from thinking or doing anything

Because I read the Bible at the same time as Greek mythology I could never look at the God I was taught in the same way again. Yahweh -- petulant, jealous, mercurial, and not very smart.

Harold Bloom's Book of J is essential reading.

let me get through this first

let me get through the first book first

btw i know fuck all about the bible other than like moses killed a bunch of egyptians because of slavery and jesus knew a hooker and was in a mel gibson movie because he likes seeing jews die, so this thread may not be v. scholarly

as a good catholic i feel like i should start liveblogging arsenal's start to the season in retaliation

My favorite part happens around the time Moses in wandering in the desert starving with everyone. At some point God manifests as a cloud and starts flying around singing a song about how awesome he his.

his = is

Moses as the first 'Old man yells at cloud' then

as a good catholic i feel like i should start liveblogging arsenal's start to the season in retaliation

― talking heads, quiet smith (darraghmac), Monday, 19 September 2011 23:16 (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

wait you havent already been doing this along with all of ilf? i guess you did spend many hours and days talking about yr mancrush on wayne instead

petulant, jealous, mercurial, and not very smart.

This was not an inaccurate view.

lol @ old man cloud etc

Indeed:

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110624230054/simpsons/images/f/f7/Moses.jpg

i guess reading this in 2k11 is too late for me to be all 'hey fucknut stop it w/ the spoilers' huh

total deus ex machina ending...

in the special edition release, jappy shoots first.

would be nice to get some fucking director's commentary

I tried to do this last year and didn't get past genesis tbh

kids bibles are (used to be?) pretty kickass. absalom stuck in a tree! jezebel wau! elijah ascends on a whirlwind but elisha is merely a canadian actress featured in 24! cuts out the begats and shit iirc

in the New Testament

SPOILER ALERT

Jesus weeps.

Alfred OTM wrt the Book of J

translation issue rears its ugly head. you're up to #7 re Torah and missed one of the first five

8. you shall not give false testimony against yo neighbour, unless he's a prick.

is one of the first five dont make false idols?

yes

9, although really its 6 worded differently. dont covet yo neighbours missus.

oh shit i should have turned the page. not only should you not covet his wife, you also need to check yourself when thinking about his ox or donkey.

~life lessons 4 y'all~

No, one of them is "don't covet your neighbor's PROPERTY", and a different one is "don't commit adultery".

xxp

You know like his wife or his ox.

Check yourself before you Amalek yourself.

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me" is interesting to me because it doesn't say "there are no other gods" or "you shall not acknowledge any other gods" just that Yahweh should be held in higher esteem.

xp lollll

pfft in my brain if a man wants to covet a donkey it should be much funnier than just wanting some property

http://horsefame.tripod.com/images/francis.jpg

21:2 "if you buy a hebrew servant, he is to serve under you for six years."

...a bit like the slavery they just left, is it not?

if you think you are being rebellious and new w/ a pierced ear, it is as old as 21:5

21:7 "If a man is to sell his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as menservants do."

Such a misigynist.

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me" is interesting to me because it doesn't say "there are no other gods" or "you shall not acknowledge any other gods" just that Yahweh should be held in higher esteem.

one of the famous 'proofs' that Israel practiced monolatrism before they practiced monotheism. another is during the exodus narrative when it says that GOD swallowed the Egyptian's gods.

aaah so here it comes, 21:22 "If men who are fighting hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman's husband demands and the court allows. (21:23)But if there is a serious injury, you are to take life for life, (24) eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, (25) burn for burn, wound for would, bruise for bruise.

It is in a larger part based around what to do with people who murder or injure - which usually ends with killing them - but it is fascinating that the context of this oft quoted phrase comes from men already fighting accidentally hitting pregnant ladies.

I feel like that scenario is SO SPECIFIC that it must have a ritual application or be a metaphor for something, I just don't know what.

i'm guessing getting gored by bulls was a big problem because it has a whole page of laws about it.

Wellllll one thing about the legal sections is that they OBSESSED with the separation of physical items and materials and the sexes and consecrated vs unconsecrated things and basically lots of things that could be loosely described as being about purity. So like will be grouped with like, meaning that every law that might have something to do with the topic will be together.

Sometimes it tells you a lot about a point of law, which other laws it's grouped with.

exodus 22 is about the many things that can happen when you let yr friend borrow some sheep or whatever. and to think this had an awesome plot just like 10 pages ago.

with some exceptions (Bilaam and the Mideanites, Korach, the spies, etc) your good time narratives are basically done for now

ok now it gets good

22:16/17 - what to do when seduces virgins
22:18 - 'don not allow a sorceress to live.'
22:19 - kill anyone who fucks an animal.

one for sci-fi writers to remember, or mebbe future generations

22:21 'Do not ill-treat an alien'

waaaait, whut:

22:29/30 "You must give me the firstborn of your sons. Do the same with your cattle and you sheep. Let them stay w/ their mums for 7 days, but give them to me on the 8th"

give them to him? how? and for what?

oh shit 23:20+ god and his israelite army have declared war on other gods and neighbouring populations (its good it wasn't 'honour thy neighbour' then, wasn't it?)

Circumcision? Xp

'tabernacle' is a terrific word, even if i don't know how to use it in a sentence.

ask a mormon

now it has become a diy book. if this was a tv show the ratings wld have dropped and it wld be getting cancelled any day now.

ok i'm gonna leave it at EX26 because i have just seen a MASSIVE SPIDER that needs to be carefully dealt with before it lays eggs in my brain when i sleep.

3. memba the sabbath.

― Ravaging Rick Rude (a hoy hoy), Tuesday, October 4, 2011 6:42 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

misread this as "meme the sabbath"

Are spiders kosher? You might be able to just eat it.

Nope and neither is any part of any kind of bug which is why kosher-keeping people can't eat candies with certain waxes or dyes.

thought that said candles at first and started to wonder about whether candle-heavy diets were a thing in the levant

is this a clusterfuck thread

not until leviticus

read faster

wait a minute

Is this why we didn't get our 'greatest players' reveal?

Priorities fucked imo

we didn't get that because only 4 people voted, two of whom were you iirc

oh my bad, i was so busy filling out two entries i missed the 4+ posters clamouring for you to do this instead huh

I read about half the Bible last week. Well, started w Genesis, got thru the 5 books, read some of Joshua and David, Judges, eh by then I was getting tired of reading about Israelites carrying around the Ark of the Covenant and smiting their enemies. Mainly I want to read about Jesus and Psalms and the more metaphysical stuff, so I skipped ahead a bit. The Book of Job was pretty badass, goes to pretty dark places, and is really poetic. Psalms was nice too, I went through with a highlighter and marked all the bits about helping the poor and dissing the rich. Lots of stuff.

A few interesting bits, there are unicorns mentioned a number of times, and dragons too. Is this just in the King James version?

Also, the stuff about harlots and strange women in the Psalms = gold.

i am toying with changing my dn to 'the book of amos'.

from my (v rough) understanding, Amos is kind of like an ancient Hebrew equivalent to Matt Taibbi

ilx downtime and travel has put the brakes on this but i am determined to finish exodus in the next two days. and levvy in the next week.

Oh good!

for anyone who wanted to know about super contemporary bible scholarship, this is a great interview conducted by one of my former professors: http://kavvanah.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/interview-with-david-m-carr-current-state-of-bible-scholarship/

Interesting interview, thanks!

been away from ilx for some time, coincidentally i've been doing something similar

http://bibleforkids.tumblr.com/

bump

the Curse of Seeing Noah's Balls

It is the very best part of the bible.