Dirty Limericks

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Everyone winkily proclaims the first line and then ceases: yes, I'm aware that the man from Nantucket is up to something filthy -- but to this day I've never heard anyone actually finish the rhyme, so I'm left with the obvious guess at the next bit and then a big intriguing blank from there on. Please fill this thread with filthy, complete limericks, particularly ones you've made up on your own.

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 18:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Dutifully filed under "literature."

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 18:20 (twenty-two years ago)

The original non-dirty man from Nantucket:

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 18:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I always thought it went like this:

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
EAT MY GIGANTIC COCK, YOU ASSHOLE.

I am willing to admit that I could be wrong.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 18:26 (twenty-two years ago)

That's awfully big of you, Dan.

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 19:17 (twenty-two years ago)

(The last line should be shouted in a Darth Vader-style demon voice, BTW.)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 19:24 (twenty-two years ago)

4th line shd be: "ran away w. a DAN" then dan's final line done darth vader, then nan says, all mincily, what nabisco just posted....

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 19:27 (twenty-two years ago)

i thought there was something in there about a dick so long he could suck it. I own an olympia published omnibus of dirty limericks that runs to nearly 1200 pages, 5 limericks on a page. It is wonderful.

― anthony easton (anthony), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 19:33 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm trying to think of a dirty limerick...(watch this space!)

― jel -- (jel), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 19:38 (twenty-two years ago)

there once was a couple named Kelly
they got stuck belly to belly
for in their haste they used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly

― chris (chris), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 19:42 (twenty-two years ago)

then up spake the King of Siam
"my pride and my joy
is a fat bottomed boy
I'm a dirty old bugger I am"

― chris (chris), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 19:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Ich habe keine Geschwisters
No girls wiv vagina blisters
But my little brother
His whole head he can cover
When impersonating the fisters.

― david h (david h), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 19:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Ich habe keine Geschwisters
No girls wiv vagina blisters
But my little brother
His whole head he can cover
When impersonating the fisters.

― david h (david h), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 19:56 (twenty-two years ago)

David H has committed an egregious German foul.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 20:01 (twenty-two years ago)

haha, i only doned it so it would fit.

― david h (david h), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 20:02 (twenty-two years ago)

well, lets straighten out the baddie nantucket one.

there once was a man from nantucket
with a dick so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he licked off his chin
"if my ear was a cunt i would fuck it"

― ron (ron), Tuesday, 3 September 2002 23:08 (twenty-two years ago)

There once was a man from Devizes
Whose balls were of differing sizes
One was so small you couldn't see it at all
The other so big it won prizes

― MarkH (MarkH), Wednesday, 4 September 2002 06:34 (twenty-two years ago)

There was a young lady from Brighton
Who had an incredibly tight 'un
"Heavens Above!
It fits like a glove"
"Oh! you ain't put it in the right 'un"

http://home.earthlink.net/~kristenaa/naughty/lims1ab.html

― anon (stevo), Wednesday, 4 September 2002 06:49 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm moving immediately.

― Archel (Archel), Wednesday, 4 September 2002 07:39 (twenty-two years ago)

there once was a man from newcastle,
who wrapped up a shit in a parcel,
he sent it by plane,
with a note to explain
that it came from his grandmother's asshole.

― g-kit (g-kit), Wednesday, 4 September 2002 07:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm moving immediately.

To or from Brighton?

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 4 September 2002 16:00 (twenty-two years ago)

they say that Dublin has an annual dirty limerick competition, and the winner gets to recite their limerick. well one year it was won by a little old lady who was dreadful embarrassed about it, and she asked the organizers if she could "bleep out" all the extremely naughty words. they consulted and said yes, we suppose that's your prerogative. so she stood up on the rickety podium, looked out at the hundreds of amateur and professional limerick writers and said:

bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep
bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep BLEEP
bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep -
the bleep bleep bleep bleep
bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep fucksticks.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 4 September 2002 16:41 (twenty-two years ago)

I love that story.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 4 September 2002 17:10 (twenty-two years ago)

five months pass...

I started this thread for the rhymes.
People posted a few dozen times,
and then wandered away.
Well I BEG YOU TO STAY.
I want lim'ricks so dirty they're CRIMES.

(Filthy limericks about ILX events encouraged, unless they're about Nick's cousin.)

― nabisco (nabisco), Thursday, 27 February 2003 22:30 (twenty-two years ago)

A young whore who came from Lahore
Would lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny
She'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core.

Some Americans might not wholly get that.

― Brave Ulysses, Thursday, 27 February 2003 23:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Sadly, I am not 'getting' anything of that type at the moment

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 27 February 2003 23:25 (twenty-two years ago)

On a maiden a man once begat
Bouncing triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat
Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat!

― Minky Starshine (Minky Starshine), Thursday, 27 February 2003 23:31 (twenty-two years ago)

I've been writing a series of dirty limericks about friends of mine who ask for them... they're all at http://www.lacunae.com/limerix.htm . A sample:

A reporter in training named Bruder,
As she buried the lede of her suitor,
Cried out: "Dash 30 dash--
I'd continue to pash,
But my ethics demand I stay neuter."

― Douglas (Douglas), Friday, 28 February 2003 00:34 (twenty-two years ago)

There was a strong man of Drumrig
Who one day did seven times frig.
He buggered three sailors
four jews and two tailors
and ended by fucking a pig.

There was a young man at the cape
On a maiden committed a rape.
said she "you damned shit
you can't fuck a bit
and you're knocking my quim out of shape"

― fletrejet, Friday, 28 February 2003 01:09 (twenty-two years ago)

There was a young surfer named Dave,
Who found a dead whore in a wave.
She had but one tit
and smelled like fish shit
But think of the money he saved.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 28 February 2003 01:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Laura's one will haunt my nightmares.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 28 February 2003 01:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I'll never swim again.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 28 February 2003 01:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Woo-hoo!

Wish I could remember where I learned it, though.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 28 February 2003 01:58 (twenty-two years ago)

OK one about an actual ILXer:

A mix-CD mixer named Matos
Made collectible records his vatos.
He piled colored wax
Into seven-inch stacks,
Then buggered the vinyl mulattos.

― Douglas (Douglas), Friday, 28 February 2003 02:02 (twenty-two years ago)

?!?!

Oh dear, the images.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 28 February 2003 02:05 (twenty-two years ago)

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

The was a poster named Nick,
Whose humor was ever-so-slick.
His poems they sucked
But it was just his luck
His rhyming the judges did pick.

A very odd poster called Dan,
Is not a very well man.
He talks about sex
Combined with Tex-Mex
And the readers, away they all ran.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 28 February 2003 02:12 (twenty-two years ago)

There once was a ch1x0r named Laura*
Who had a menagrie in her flora,
You'd best keep tabs
Unless you want crabs
Living as a leper in Bora Bora.

*Might not be the Laura we all know and love.

― Leee (Leee), Friday, 28 February 2003 02:54 (twenty-two years ago)

A woman named Laura passed by

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 February 2003 03:23 (twenty-two years ago)

rrrr....

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 February 2003 03:23 (twenty-two years ago)

...and emitted a rapturous cry:
"It's a fenestral feast
for my fuckhole, at least,
since the window I'm passing's your fly!"

(forgive me, Ms. L...)

― Douglas (Douglas), Friday, 28 February 2003 04:26 (twenty-two years ago)

There once was a poster named Leee,
Who spelled his name with an additional E,
But what did you know,
He had only one brow,
Cos two proved simply too costly.

― Leee (Leee), Friday, 28 February 2003 05:05 (twenty-two years ago)

A suave young man named Douglas
Felt bad that he was pud-less.
He rolled up a sock
To embolden his cock
And now Douglas is no longer loveless.

That twisted ol' dude called Leee,
Had a thing for a woman's knee.
He tossed her a coin
She kicked in his groin
And now he is known as Cicely.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Friday, 28 February 2003 05:21 (twenty-two years ago)

(the "rrrr" was because I hit "submit" by accident, not because I couldn't finish the limerick. I didn't, though.)

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 February 2003 06:09 (twenty-two years ago)

There once was a man named Tom Ewing
Whose favorite hobby was screwing
When not having sex
He was on ILx
To find the next woman he's doing

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 February 2003 06:12 (twenty-two years ago)

niiice

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 28 February 2003 06:12 (twenty-two years ago)

A woman looking for Nabitsuh
Did carry two boxes of tissue
One was for her brow
Winking, she said how
“The rest are for in case he missed you”

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 February 2003 06:18 (twenty-two years ago)

(not sure that makes sense, but hey...)

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 February 2003 06:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Ally’s glad-handing plan worked a treat
With all the young men she did meet
“Meet me in my namesake
I’ll feed you my bitchcake
You’ll marvel--it’s ever so sweet!”

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 28 February 2003 06:25 (twenty-two years ago)

The occasional poster Daddino
Met a handsome young man from Encino
The pleasures they had
Made them both rather glad
But the neighbours all found it obscene-o.

Young Micharlangelo Matos
Has relations with unripe tomatoes.
Grinning, he flirts
"Sure the insertion hurts
But they're cleaner than uncooked potatoes."

The serial poster B. Lucas
Takes anyone up her sweet tuchas.
She took ILM
Again and again
And the ILE folks? Yeah, she took us.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Friday, 28 February 2003 11:03 (twenty-two years ago)

The sexual skills of D. Perry
transcended the mere ordinary.
He could roger you roundly
whilst beating you soundly
at cribbage. Talented? Very!

Tourette's caused our hero N. Raggett
to occasionally holler out "Faggot!"
so he, full of tricks,
waved around bundled sticks
to prove he's no homophobe maggot.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Friday, 28 February 2003 12:24 (twenty-two years ago)

A bestial chap named Nabisco
Had his first puppy love with a shih sco
That he lubed up with Critsuh
And cornholed to ditsuh--
But why? "She's got so many tisco!"

― Douglas (Douglas), Friday, 28 February 2003 13:00 (twenty-two years ago)

This is utterly insane. :-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 28 February 2003 13:49 (twenty-two years ago)

That recently single dude Martin
told his ex-wife "Since our partin'
I've had women and men
Several geese and a hen
and a Hoover, and that's just for startin'."

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Friday, 28 February 2003 15:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I just got "meet me in my namesake." Beautiful.

― Douglas (Douglas), Friday, 28 February 2003 19:53 (twenty-two years ago)

There once was M Matos, a mang
And girls played the yin to his yang
His hope was to cap
every ILX FAP
Not with a whimp but a bang.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 1 March 2003 04:36 (twenty-two years ago)

There once was a poster named JBR
Who had a well exercised labia
The rumors say at the post FAP FAT
She was where the action was at
But she never owned up to her behavior.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Saturday, 1 March 2003 04:59 (twenty-two years ago)

not only cringeworthy, but wrong.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 1 March 2003 06:21 (twenty-two years ago)

colin meeder OWNS this thread

― mark p (Mark P), Saturday, 1 March 2003 07:36 (twenty-two years ago)

there once was a geezer named ro
who took this lass out to a show
at his perseveration
they achieved copulation
but he marred it with "feel the voib, so!"

― mark p (Mark P), Saturday, 1 March 2003 07:50 (twenty-two years ago)

there once was a boy named harvell
or was it a girl? couldn't tell.
his first name was jess
that's a girl's name i guess
his childhood must have been hell

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 1 March 2003 08:00 (twenty-two years ago)

The mysteries of Jody Beth Rosen
are a pool most dare not dip their toes in
But the deeper one wades
through those knotty cascades
The sooner the truth gets unfrozen

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 1 March 2003 08:37 (twenty-two years ago)

there once was a lolly named kate
acquiesced to a spinsterish fate
she pledged both her knockers
to dirty drone rockers
and still couldn't reel in a date

― mark p (Mark P), Saturday, 1 March 2003 15:50 (twenty-two years ago)

there once was a boy named dastoor
whose tossed-off remarks would ensure
his placing a lock
at the top of statscock
until a pc did lara procure

― mark p (Mark P), Saturday, 1 March 2003 16:14 (twenty-two years ago)

there once was a man named mark s
quite strongly opposed to excess
his pontifications?
abbreviations!
now [x] is to [y] = guess

― mark p (Mark P), Saturday, 1 March 2003 16:26 (twenty-two years ago)

i think i need one for me. please

― anthony easton (anthony), Saturday, 1 March 2003 17:28 (twenty-two years ago)

an aesthete of burly dimension
easton sat in his pew in suspension
for disciples seemed neater
their story much sweeter
when he imagined the sexual tension

― mark p (Mark P), Saturday, 1 March 2003 18:07 (twenty-two years ago)

arg disciples should be apostles obv

― mark p (Mark P), Saturday, 1 March 2003 18:11 (twenty-two years ago)

this makes me so happy.

― anthony easton (anthony), Saturday, 1 March 2003 20:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Anthony should definitely use that on his Xmas cards this year. :-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 1 March 2003 21:42 (twenty-two years ago)

"Monica Lewinsky has shown
What Kazynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown"

I've missed the ILXor-limerick bandwagon, but that's all right.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Sunday, 2 March 2003 00:57 (twenty-two years ago)

There once was a man from Moline,
who invented a fucking machine.
Both concave and convex,
it would fit either sex
and was wonderfully easy to clean.

― Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Sunday, 2 March 2003 01:52 (twenty-two years ago)

To maintain the keep of his stacks
Upon his Ned should levy a tax.
Consequences are dire
If you fail as his buyer,
And your neck shall fall under the axe.

― Leee (Leee), Sunday, 2 March 2003 21:53 (twenty-two years ago)

six months pass...

This was a fun thread.

― mark p (Mark P), Saturday, 20 September 2003 13:17 (twenty-one years ago)

four years pass...

Mark P seriously killed on this one.

I am sad, though, that my limerick that accidentally turned out to be about Alba's cousin was ... fully expunged.

― nabisco, Monday, 12 November 2007 21:13 (seventeen years ago)

Ned with tourette's made me lol at work. Damn you.

― kenan, Monday, 12 November 2007 22:30 (seventeen years ago)

there was a young girl from penzance
who got on the ferry to france
everyone fuctor
except the conductor
but the driver came twice in his pants.

fuctor apologies for work filters.

― darraghmac, Tuesday, 13 November 2007 10:07 (seventeen years ago)

There was a young girl from Devizes
who had bosoms of two different sizes
one was small,
and no good at all,
the other was big and won prizes.

― Ward Fowler, Tuesday, 13 November 2007 12:36 (seventeen years ago)

had it, earlier on.

― darraghmac, Tuesday, 13 November 2007 13:04 (seventeen years ago)

There was a young man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
The heat from his prick
Turned the whole thing to brick
And chafed all his foreskin away

― ledge, Tuesday, 13 November 2007 13:05 (seventeen years ago)

A buxom lass of Aberystwyth
Took stones to the mill to grind grist with
The miller's son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the parts that they pissed with

― Just got offed, Tuesday, 13 November 2007 13:09 (seventeen years ago)

picky young twunt name of darraghmac
insisted that jol be given the sack
after that day
he had nothing to say
apart from some union-bashing cack

― Ward Fowler, Wednesday, 14 November 2007 12:18 (seventeen years ago)

doesn't scan.

― darraghmac, Wednesday, 14 November 2007 12:26 (seventeen years ago)

not that i don't, y'know, appreciate the effort.

― darraghmac, Wednesday, 14 November 2007 12:31 (seventeen years ago)

three years pass...

A fella by the name of Greg
Was so poor that he had to beg,
Down on both knees
He pleaded for cheese,
But all he got was a mouthful of smeg.

― Clusterhead, Friday, 29 July 2011 08:40 (thirteen years ago)

them pioneers, they have no fears
them dirty sons of bitches.
they wipe their ass with a blade of grass,
and laugh because it itches.
they screw their wives with butcher knives,
it hurts but just a trifle.
they tack their balls to mountain walls,
and blow them off with a rifle.

― notes on camping (Pillbox), Friday, 29 July 2011 08:48 (thirteen years ago)

Yee-haaaw! I like this guy

― Clusterhead, Friday, 29 July 2011 09:42 (thirteen years ago)

eight years pass...

Eight years pass...

A spiritual healer named Lee
Ducked into an alley to pee
He pissed in the eye
Of a blind homeless guy
Who screamed, “Holy shit, I can see!”

― Diddler on the Roof, Wednesday, 21 August 2019 13:45 (five years ago)

two years pass...

I was rubbing my cock on the butt
Of the town's prettiest slut
Then threw her ass on the ground
And really started going to town
Now I'm about to nut.

― Tonykinfla, Wednesday, 25 August 2021 03:10 (three years ago)

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