"witty" things customers say to cashiers while their stuff is being rung up

[customer walks up to the register with 50 items in their cart] "I only came her for one thing! and I didn't even get the one thing! teehee."

[cashier passes an item through the scanner, but it doesn't ring up] "so do I get that for free? *teehee*"

"so, what's the damage?"

"I only came her for one thing!

*here

"I don't need a bag — save a tree" (the bags are plastic)

"Coupons? yeah I think I got some down....here" *points to dick*

...

lol

:: unzips fly, pulls out shit-ton of coupons ::

The other day I bought a 12-pack of Magic Hat (Winterland variety pack!), some Sno-Caps, and some Goobers.

cashier: "Wow, let's see, candy and beer..."

me: "That's my lunch."

[man stands aside while the cashier rings up his wife's stuff] "psst -- charge her double."

you really have to be an 80-year-old man to pull off this brand of humor (dick jokes included, I guess)

In the express lane, standing behind someone who clearly has more than 10 items: (muttered under breath) "Some people really don't know how to count."

or super attractive xp

"Coupons? yeah I think I got some down....here" *points to dick*

― frogbs, Friday, January 6, 2012 8:28 PM (46 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

be careful of saying this in Scotland where they will simply assume you have multiple faces on your dick

"Do you need a bag?"

"No, I brought one with me" - points to wife/girlfriend.

This happens at least once a week where I work.

???!!!

"Do you need an object?"

"No, I brought one with me" - points to wife/girlfriend

*teehee*

"Do you need a cumrag?"

"No, I brought one with me" - points to cumrag

*teehee*

Yeah I'm not really sure if anywhere other than Britain 'bag'=derogatory term for woman or not. Like 'cow', do people say that in U.S?

no it's a complimentary term for a pretty lady in the U.S.

hahahahaha

"your daughter has become quite the bag!"
"why thank you!" *beams proudly*

She's not one for making things up so I'm tempted to believe the following:

My sister-in-law was in the queue behind T0m B@k3r in her local supermarket. The cashier asked him if he had brought his own bag, to which he allegedly replied "yes - I'm saving the planet".

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Nobody in line: "Workin' hard or hardly workin'!"

Had a guy say "Ahh, another day, another dollar I owe someone!" twice in the span of 30 seconds because nobody laughed or reacted so they obviously must not have heard him.

*grabs $4.97 bag of tortilla chips, hands cute cashier a five dollar bill and a quarter*

"Did you mean to give me this quarter?"

*stares longingly into her eyes for several minutes*

"Sir, there's no tax on this item"

…and that's how babies are made!

Two recent exchanges at the grocery store I have enjoyed; the first I was involved in, the second I merely witnessed.

1. Cashier: "Wow, that's a big chicken leg."

Me: "That's because it's a turkey leg."

Cashier: "Oh, makes more sense. I've seen those in real life, some of them are so big can barely walk. I'm engaged to a farmer."

Me: "...That's exciting."

Cashier: "Some people might say that."

----

2. Guy: "Hey, are you from Lebanon?"

Cashier: "Palestine."

Guy: "Ooooh, serious!"

cashier: Would you like to save x% by opening up a [reward card/credit card]?
guy: Well, sure, I'd like to! But I don't need anymore damn credit cards if that's what you're about to say.

any more

A woman in front of me asked the cashier if she could get a can of Coke Light out of the package in her cart and open it for her because she just had her nails done, resulting in the cashier calling out for the store manager because she thought this could be some kind of customer trickery, which was pretty funny (they didn't look particularly long or recently done from where I was standing and she was still there waiting for the manager by the time I had paid) - not exactly "witty" though

I guess I could have offered to open it but I just had my hair done or something :-)

I was a grocery store cashier/"bookkeeper" for years in high school and early college and the only new one so far has been

"Do you need a bag?"

"No, I brought one with me" - points to wife/girlfriend.

This happens at least once a week where I work.

― pandemic, Friday, January 6, 2012 3:19 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I can't believe this is a thing!

When I was a waiter at a seafood restaurant the most common one was "I'll have the halibut...[pauses and looks around at friends at table] for the hell-uhv-it!" (sounds like "hell of it")

I was just at 7-Eleven where a young, possibly drunk guy walked in, went to a guy in line he knew, patted him on the chest and told the cashier, "Hey, don't serve him, he's a vagina!"

It was a nice take on a classic.

vagina... in my 7-Eleven?

had a nice conversation about reduced price potatoes in waitrose recently.

cashier: "i bet you got a shock when you saw that price, 10p! i bet you never!"

me: "yes though they're probably out of date today, i better use them fast."

cashier: "they'll be fine i'm sure"

me: "i'll keep them in the dark"

cashier: "yeah exactly"

me: "i'm irish so i know a lot about potatoes"

cashier: "hace a nice evening, enjoy your potatoes"

me: "i will!"

have a nice evening, not hace. hace should be a word though.

me: "i'm irish so i know a lot about potatoes"

A+

man, the famine probably could have been prevented if there were potatoes going for 10p

CASHIER: "That'll be $18.43."
MY DAD: "The year I was born!"

yessss

I bought a Dr. Pepper 10 and the cashier was ridiculously pretty and then she starts asking me "is that the Dr. Pepper from the commercials, the one for 'men'".

I wanted to say "You stepped out of a painting", but instead what came out was "URRR DURRRR I FINK SO, YA DAT SOUNDS RIGHT"

lol

Oh weird that's what I bought at 7-Eleven last night. It isn't very good IMO.

I love this kind of humour. "That's what SHE said"

I probably say that too much irl

i dunno je55e in an effort to lose weight (and it worked, temporarily), I quit drinking regular soda so now I barely remember what the real thing tastes like. SUBMISSION.

i sometimes do variations on this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNQRqAoT-2c

GOOD LAWWWWWWWWWWWWWD

"It rings up the lotion in the basket."

LOL! Wow, that's gonna be tempting to use.

then there are the people who fart while in line...and instead of just letting it pass and fade into obscurity, which is the common law of flatulence, customer calls attention to it and tries to turn it into a comedy bit

"Oh that reminds me, I forgot the Lysol! YUK YUK YUK iamdeadinside"

Ex. Sometimes when I buy movie tickets, I say to the dude, "Twelve dollars? How about I give you two dollars and you tell me the ending."

Its a pretty versatile bit, thanking you Chris Rock.

oh - re Dr P 10 - Is it supposed to taste like regular Dr P?

I like some diet sodas, esp. Diet Coke an Coke Zero, but not b/c they are a substitute for the real thing, but b/c they taste good as their own thing. Like all diet sodas, Diet Dr P tastes nothing like regular Dr P, and it doesn't taste good to me as its own thing.

Je55e it's supposed to, and it does a better imitation than Diet, but "ain't nothin like the real thing, baby".

I prefer Pibb anyway

Dr. P would be a good name for a pug

worst thing ever, when someone gets the bill or their total and respond "no thanks, just the groceries".

DIE!

CASHIER: "That'll be $18.43."
MY DAD: "The year I was born!"

yeah, i'm guilty of "that was a good year" sometimes. go ahead and shoot me.

That whole "need a bag?" "nah I brought one with me" would still get play in my hometown, I'm pretty sure.

Some variation on "oh yeah Obama has to get his cut" when the tax rings up, it's called state sales tax for a reason u mope.

When I worked at Quick Chek in '91-92 or thereabouts, I used to say "here's your shit" to people whenever I thought I could get away with it (which was a surprising amount of the time).

gotta love cashier convo