I was wondering whether to post this as a response to either Graham's thread or Justyn's thread, but it didn't seem directly relevant to either, though might be of some help.
Graham, what you said about crying and feeling lonely all the time - and feeling so frustrated about it - I've spent most of my life since August last year in that state. Desperate not only to find and keep friends, but also to find someone to fill that horrible empty space in my life. And I WANT to reach out, to communicate with others, to actually make moves towards establishing new friendships, but I find it so damned difficult. This doesn't mean I hush up and keep quiet (though I fully understand why others would) but it can be frustrating at times. I'm better at one-to-one communication than being part of a group.
What makes it harder is that the friends I care about most all live a long way away from me and so cannot be in regular contact with me apart from email/phone, and even then they tend to have extremely busy lives. Sometimes (like this weekend just past) I can feel almost suicidal if I'm in a particularly perilous state of mind because I think (wrongly) that no one has any time for me and that my friends are somehow slipping away. I know it's unfair and unkind of me to think this way - I shouldn't let my selfish need for affection get in the way of anybody else living their lives; these problems I have to sort out myself, I know that.
But the important thing is that I keep trying. I don't know - there must be some kind of safety switch in my mind which automatically comes on and stops me from doing anything stupid. I've come so close to ending it all I don't know how many times in the last year, but every time I stop before taking the plunge and come back. And yes I am on my local hospital's waiting list to see a psychiatrist for some practical advice on how to deal with/treat my depression.
I do not WANT to be tethered to the past, but don't yet feel I can let go just yet. More than anything I want someone to share my life with but I know that can't happen if I think of any potential partners as "Laura 2." I know that whoever comes along will be different and the relationship will be completely different to what I had with Laura.
Another thing is the sort of environment which I need to enable me to meet other people - the NHS isn't going to do it, nor are FAP meet-ups sadly; as Tom well knows, not the best social forum for this kind of thing, good though meet-ups are. So that's another reason why I'm investigating the possibility of Japanese evening classes - to meet people. It's got to be worth a try, hasn't it?
What I will say, however, is that true friends stay true. Even if their own lives prevent them from contacting me as much as maybe I would like, if they know I am in trouble or need to talk, they always come back to me - even to the point of ringing me up at half past two in the morning to do so :-) and somehow I know, even if they can't email or ring me, or even see me, as often as I would like, they are out there, they are thinking about me, they care about me, and that just makes me want to cry with happiness.
These sorts of friendship are the most precious things I have.
I know this thread is not very well put together - just things I needed to say.
― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 5 September 2002 06:44 (twenty-three years ago)
This is a good thread. I dis use to feel down sometimes because I've met a very good friend at college and another one at university and we have gone our separate ways but we've easily manged to keep contact by phone and when i was in canada they for three months doing work they emailed me and that was great of them. I saw one of them (the one i went to college with) yesterday.
the one that i went to uni with is still doing his PhD there so I'll arrange to have some lunch and talk next week.
Like you I'm not very good with crowds. When I joined ILM (didn't know ILE existed for a while actually) I thought this is a great forum for discussing music. The meeting ppl thing is a very very nice bonus that i didn't know much abt either.
not very well put either...
― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 5 September 2002 08:55 (twenty-three years ago)
I understand exactly what you're saying. I've just paused "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'", because it didn't seem appropriate here.
Even as recently as this year I've had some really horrible experiences, feeling completely disillusioned as to my life and my friends. Even though I've been in a wonderful relationship for over three years now, I have still caught myself thinking that nobody likes me. That I'm put-up-with, tolerated, humoured until I'm out of earshot. This can sometimes drive me into prolonged bouts of depression, and seeing a counsellor really helped in this way.
Anyone who's met me immediately knows that I'm really very opinionated. Sometimes I've wondered whether I'm a bit too intense. I mean, how can you tell if people really like you for who you are, and aren't just waiting politely for you to finish speaking simply because you're a friend of a friend, or it's an established practice that people will pretend to like you. I mean, I realised recently that I'm actually quite selfish. It's disgusting, and I hate myself for it. (I think I'm taking steps to change this, though)
Overly paranoid? Undoubtedly. Right now I'm pretty sure that most of the people I call my friends are real friends. The problem is that I go through phases of insecurity. (and it's obvious that my arrogance is a symptom of this)
I'm really happy right now, though. There's a bit of work and uni pressure at the moment, but I can handle it. I'm listening to Michael Jackon, and it doesn't get much better than that.
― Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 5 September 2002 10:08 (twenty-three years ago)