Long/Middle Distance Relationships C/D

There is another thread about this, but it was locked for one reason or another.

It looks like we're going to have to live apart for a while, and I'm pretty cut up about it. It will be for up to two years while my g/f attends various placements as part of her social work degree. Nothing set in stone yet, but the likelihood is she'll be having to work unpaid in the Peterborough area for 3 days a week or more, meaning she won't be able to afford to keep paying rent and commuting in every day. It's a part-time course, but the way the shambles of a course programme works means they don't seem to account for things like location and y'know, being able to afford stuff like rent etc, so we're pretty much screwed. I'll have to go back and live with my dotty-old pa in his big draughty old house in the outskirts of Dullville; she'll probably be lodging in Peterborough or somewhere.

On the bright side, we'll hopefully get to see each other most weekends, and the silver lining is that living with my Dad means I should be able to save up some money, get out of debt, learn to drive - plus the crippling boredom'll probably mean I can get more productive in other areas like writing, looking for a new job etc. But still, the whole idea of living apart is making me really really sad... I'm also kind of frustrated that it means putting a dampener on any plans to relocate for example. I've got no interest in living in Peterborough - there are no career prospects for me there, and besides I've been wanting to get out of the suburbs for years and this would be no different. If I were to move to a city or major town like London/Brighton/Manchester etc It'd be even harder to see her, and all the same I can't see myself making a move like that on my own.

So I guess I'm asking for others' experience of this. I've been living with my g/f for nearly three years, so this'll feel like a real step back. I'm sure in some ways it means fewer bickery moments/more quality timme, but I'm frightened of feeling lonely, of living with a parent again, and not having the day-to-day support and love there that I'm now used to. Can I learn to embrace this?

did this last year for the duration of my gf's masters (sep-may). two hours drive away. it was fine. doing it now while i'm waiting to get work in dublin (she's working there since december). three hour drive. it's fine.

we were/have been lucky with living arrangements besides, tho, which i think is important. she had mature student campus accommodation in college which was great, and she's renting a room from friends of ours now- i've been living with my brother in the family-home type thing. taking stresses like visits/staying over not being a problem out of the equation is a major factor ime.

g'luck

Ah yeah, the fact neither of us drive is a bit of a factor. I guess the money I could potentially save will help with that.

you can absolutely learn to embrace it btw- having time/space to ourselves in the evenings after work/study was something we both enjoyed and found refreshing- without it being a guilty pleasure either, as weekends or evenings i could make it down to her were-as you say- squabble-free & appreciated

what are transport options like?

There is a train up to Peterborough, pretty much direct or thereabouts. I'm in Hitchin, work in London at the moment though. I wish Peterborough were a more interesting place to live or closer to where my job prospects might lead - I'd def consider moving up there, but as it is my networks are here and in London so it wouldn't be wise. Once we learn to drive, it'll prob make all the difference.

Thanks btw darraghmac.

np, i'd the exact same concerns myself but (dr phil)we trusted it'd be ok and it was(/dr phil)

haha, yes I mean it could be a lot worse, it's not like she's living abroad or anything. part of my regret is how, well, i'm sort of being indirectly jipped by the university's system in not allowing placements in a more accessible locale, even though the missus actually found somewhere that would be willing to take her on. also, have to move out which is a shitemare considering we've got a house-full of stuff and nowehere to store it.

'Materialism is the only form of distraction from true bliss'- Jerry Springer, 'Mom, I'm banging y midget babysitter', Fall 1998.

haha, yes I mean it could be a lot worse, it's not like she's living abroad or anything

Yeah, see, this is me.

I wish I could say it was cool, but it's a definite dud. There's plenty to do to deal with most inconveniences, like keeping in touch w/ new media etc. Also we can see each other quite often, relatively speaking. My biggest frustration with this is how your life and prospect is ruled by factors you can't control, ie. where will one find a job, can the other one find a job around there too, what to do about housing etc (in this bad economical climate). It can feel that these factors, in a way out of your control, rule what is happening in life, which totally blows. You don't feel in control.

You will have to see how it works out, really. Maybe something more closer to her will come up (or a chance for your long awaited career change!). Don't give up hope DL :)

those, imo, are normal long-term relationship problems- yeah, exacerbated by distance, but really you can live with someone and career choices, getting long term housing, etc are always gonna be big deal decisions

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

not to diminish them as issues you might be dealing with, obviously

yes, one of the sucky things about it is it sort of limits what I can do / where I can go. The distance/cost from Hitchin to Peterborough isn't huge, but before we met I was all set to up sticks and live somewhere more interesting and with better job prospects. I guess this still isn't out of the question, but it would mean getting even further away. I guess learning to drive is paramount now.

I do feel better about this now. I was in a bit of a state about it last night because event though I knew it was on the cards, I think she'd broken this to me in such a piecemeal/softly-softly way that I'd got it into my head it would only be for a few months, but two years - sheesh, it's a long time on the whole!

i guess if we'd carried on living comfortably with each other in Hitchin, we'd never ever leave. Not that that's a problem because I quite like Hitchin on the whole, it's just I always imagined I'd leave at some point. So maybe this is the awkward stepping stone towards that.

it has been for me

(the sneaky cow)

No D you are right. Maybe the only difference for me is trying to find a job in a different country in my field of "expertise" (lol). Plus me not knowing where to look since the missus is looking too, and needs a job bad too so it could be in Devon or Yorkshire or anywhere in between. I constantly have to remind myself (and us) about the right order of things (can't buy a house somewhere without having landed a job in the area, say). But in no way I wanted to imply these are issues I alone deal with.

Glad you feel better already DL. Two years, that's an idea that definitely needs some getting used to. On the bright side, it is a 'fixed term' of some sorts, even though extremely long. You do know it won't be like, five years, right? Always look at the positives etc :)

I'm in a pretty similar situation (went from living together to her moving 2h away for school) and it's been fine. not ideal by any means, but fine. the trainride there is pretty easy tho.

heh i was expecting you to be protesting ldr's on sustainability grounds

in the big picture I am cause we'll all live in the same city w/ 7 billion people

My brother, who's similar in age to you DL, carried on a LDR with his girlfriend for two years - him in NYC and her in Savannah, Ga. They're currently together again and engaged to be married this fall.

Skype, emails, photos, phone calls, those weekend visits … it can work if you make it work.

My wife and I courted and planned a wedding 12,000 miles apart. And now that we're married with two kids… it still seems like we only get to talk to each other via email, photos and weekend visits. ;-)

you're anticipating population stabilisation from today? I gotta read yr thread more closely

yeah it's prob easier than ever in 2012 w/ the internet, cellphones etc...doesn't make up for facetime but it makes constant communication pretty easy and cheap.

doesn't make up for facetime but i'm saving srs bucks on deodorant

^ haha

hitchin - peterborough isn't that bad! what is it like just over half an hour on the train?

Yes maybe about an hour. Technically it's not really far, but it's not living together like we have been, if you see what I mean. So yeah, we'd see each other at weekends. I guess the more I think about it, the more it feels like it's not SO bad, it's just the fact we're used to seeing each other every day, co-habiting - we'd made some big choices to move together and now we have to live apart for 2 years (which feels like FOREVER right now).

This makes me a bit sad. However if you've been living together for 3 yrs and still want to you're def going to be able to make it work.

my trip is 2 hours! it's nbd

My gf and I were in a LDR for a few years not long after the beginning of our R (one year I think we saw each other twice) but at this stage, having lived together for the last five years it would certainly seem like a big challenge to live apart. That said, it sounds like this is something you will definitely be able to get through - the distance is manageable and you have a clear endpoint when you know you'll be able to be together again.

I was going to mention the idea of both of you moving somewhere halfway (Huntingdon?) but thinking about it I'm not sure how much of the problems that would actually solve.

keep reading Lana Del Rey

Two years of Lana Del Rey would be quite the ordeal.

long ordeal eh

7th May :-( moving out day

i was probably banned for this thread, but feel free to ask me any questions. i'll tell you anything.

why and how far did yr partner move

well I met her as an exchange student, so when her semester was up she moved like 3,000 miles away

don't take away my zings man it's all i got left

My medium distance relationship phase ends today two weeks :-)

well congrats, its gonna be crazy how much things change

it's been a temporary thing we've lived together before, but thanks

well I guess I'll just go fuck myself!

lol wtf

heh i'm not snarking frogbs!

I seem to have fallen into one of these! I've spent hours a day texting/talking/skyping/snapchatting a woman in New York I've never met for the past month. We're totally head over heels for each other and it's gotten pretty intense fairly quickly. She's already bought a ticket to visit me in February and I'm eyeing a summer visit to her side. Right now we're just very happy to have found each other and very unhappy to be so far apart.

besta luck ma man

I've been in one for two years now. It's hard as fuck sometimes....she's 300 miles away but we see each other almost every two weeks, never been longer than three from the beginning. Didn't think we'd make it this long, thank god for skype or whatever.

I was in one for about three years and we were 2,850 miles away. Without the technology of even the last 10 years there's no way we would've made it. Really hope it works out for you guys but man, it's difficult

Finally met her in person today and ojifeawioj;sfrlijoijaoij;arsfjoiafoifaeoi;fao;ijfaoijefaijfrlkjfrjfjaoijifoaiojefifi

lol is that good?

when i post like that to football threads it's normally really really bad but here's hoping

It's good. (As Rev mentioned on Twitter.)

About a year into a middle distance (for California) relationship; she's in SF and I'm down here. But we see each other at least a couple of times a month and I've been turning over plans for some years about a move up north as my family is all up in SF and the Monterey area; as that's the case with her as well plus San Jose and thereabouts, it's kinda perfect for move plans. Won't be for another year at least but I'm already laying groundwork when it comes to staying within the UC system. Distance and moving aside, everything else has been fantastic and I'm terribly happy.

i had long distance with my wife for 9 months before I moved to be with her.during that time she visited me,I visited her,and we skyped all the time and i totally hated it.
I met her her last night of vacation in glasgow,she was living,and we now both live in Vancouver.
Really don't know how people do it long term.they must be less needy than me.

(... Searched for an appropriate thread, found this one, and got smacked in the face with the ghost of my former self/relationship. God ilx sucks)

So yeah, middle. Not as bad as long, granted (I know...) but middle (two hour drive) has its own subset of inpracticalities and quiddities. When yr too tired after a terrible week and need to be together but your car just got a DOA at the garage. Where to move that is not too far off for both to conduct work as fairly usual.

I could use some good stories of middle distance relationships working out tbh. Massive failures welcome too, for the lols and lessons.