I don't wanna talk about it, I wanna talk about it...

Get a blog, obv.

That or tell people who you know have no connection at ALL to the thing you want to talk about.

Not that I have anything to say. Nothing. Not me.

form a band and sing about it?

I planned originally to just stay in my room and avoid everyone. But then this morning, I thought I was OK, I was keeping busy and I was fine, so I made plans to go help some friends out, so long as I kept busy and stayed away from disasterporn.

Friends had bought all the morning papers.

I read the Evening Standard. I winced, but I was OK. Visual disasterporn, hell, I saw most of that stuff with my own eyes. I felt a bit sick, but I could handle it. Read the Guardian. Firsthand reactions of witnesses and survivors and people affected all over the world. Emotional disasterporn. I couldn't handle it. I burst out crying, had to sit down, ran home and locked myself in my room.

I kept looking for physical reminders. My ticket stubs and my boarding pass from the actual day. The toothbrush that the Port Authority brought the strandees. I got upset cause I realised that there wasn't a stamp in my passport from that trip.

Do you talk about this stuff, or don't you? I've got the appointment with the post traumatic stress councellor tomorrow.

Talking about it to people who were not there/not involved = WORSE THAN USELESS. They do not understand.

Talking about it to people who were there, gah... it's so difficult. All my friends from back home have turned into kneejerk patriotic vengeance freaks who simultaneously want insolationism and bombing raids of the entire Middle East and talk about how glad they are there's a Bush in the White House.

Sorry, clarification about "worse than useless".

Friends over the weekend were having a discussion, just about media coverage of the event. I had to get up and leave the room. I just can't sit around and make polite cocktail party conversation about it, I just can't do it.

The fact that you've got an appointment already means that of course you do want to talk about it, and I think you're talking about it to the right person.

And people who weren't there won't understand but it doesn't mean they don't want to help you understand how YOU are feeling any better. Don't entirely reject them.

Ah you know but I am rubbish anyway. I'd just recommend staying away from the disasterporn.

And then i gave hints and said i would tell but now i really dont want to

I suggest applying liberal doses of hugs.

Kate, I feel exactly the same way...I don't really want to talk about it, but I can't think about anything else. It's very difficult to be here at work (in New York), surrounded by other people who feel (probably) the same way, stupidly pretending that focusing on work is even a remote possibility. I would rather be at home with my head under the covers.

Naturally, the higher-ups at this company told us they were going along w/ Bloomberg's plan to keep New York working today, but that we should feel 100% free to take the day off with a personal or sick day. BUT, they also scheduled one of our most important meetings for this morning, essentially saying, "Sure, go ahead and stay home today to 'remember', though missing this meeting will negatively effect all your projects for the next year--but it's up to you." Very frustrating.

I got an email from a very close friend in NYC. She took the day off. She was hit a lot worse than I was, she actually lost a member of her family. When it comes down to it, I didn't *really* lose anything but three days sleep.

You CAN'T just ignore something like this. But you should be allowed to remember or observe in the way that you see fit.

My friend said "I don't plan on forgetting. I don't think anyone will. (...But) There's no need to shove it down our fucking throats all day."

In a weird way, I am kinda glad that I did have a crying jag. I felt BAD for feeling so normal and OK today. I shouldn't feel normal. Reading/seeing that shit, and getting upset about it was weirdly cathartic, like I need to do it.

the weird thing's the weather, it's been exactly the same. i guess it's not THAT weird - it's what early September feels like in New York. i dunno, i'm not much for anniversaries - the earth is back in the same posture towards the sun as it was on that day 365 sunrises ago, eh hmm - and i think almost all of the memorials are suspiciously morbid - the Police dept. have rigged two tall banks of plasma monitors each like 18 feet high that show the impacts and the collapse. it's in their museum. fucking WHY??

i have this annoying habit of saying "i don't wanna talk about it" when really i do.