ways to help a depressed friend

1. clean up their house

2. make their yard look nice

3. bring them food and such

3. invite yourself over and hang out with them

5. help them learn how to count

4. hang around and listen to them, lol

^actually 6

7. hugs

this is all i know. more suggestions plz

8. funny jokez

9. Ask how they are even if you know the answer.

10. movies like zoolander
11. funny gifs
12. invites to low pressure social activities

13. buy a beer

14. gift them a pet (a dog, a cat, etc.)

15. roadtrip

16. read their manuscrpit

17. write them a song

18. fall in love w/ them

19. convert them

realize that they more than likely don't want you to help so much as be an easy friend. treat them like a person rather than a situation to be dealt with. it'll show through your motions.

otherwise generally engage with them. if they're not being receptive simply ease off and make it subtly known that you're around if they wanna whatever.

21. play sports together

22. shake your lola

23. give them a small and thoughtful present related to their favourite thing

24. call them before they call you

25. talk to them about a neural topic, something you have in common that's easy to talk about and part of why you're friends

a neutral topic

unless neurons are what you have in common

give them yr time, ears

Don't think about it as cheering them up, and try not to be discouraged if they don't seem cheered.

26. mixtapes

27. roast them a chicken

Mix tape is a great idea

She kinda just wants easy stuff to do occupy her time but not her mind I think

28. let her beat you in a game of chess

28. Help to brainstorm and/or start a small pet project?

Usually works for me, if I can keep up with it. And at the end I have something to show for my effort/tears. Lotsa false starts though, builds humility and appreciation of those who are genuinely talented. It's like an enforced exercising of a different part of my mind that doesn't normally get out much. Helping someone else to do that and/or go there is a nice and generous thing to do imo.

oops that was 29
sorry

#1 was a lifesaver for me once when I was in a bit of a bad way: 3 female buddies came round and did a bit of a working bee of my flat, which had got in such an appalling state I'd lost it and posted a "HELP I NEED HELP THIS IS CHAOS" post on some blog. They were really sweet and worked REALLY hard and it made SUCH a huge difference. I was so touched.

touch

if they are comfortable with physical contact whether it's just a hand on a shoulder or whatever this can be genuinely lifesaving.

30. tickle her & don't stop until she says "i'm not depressed"

no!!

31. listen a lot
32. be comfortable with silence

33. make them a cup of coffee or tea

it was a joke! roxy if you are reading this and it's not too late DON'T TICKLE HER!

34. do some quite (or silent) low-risk activity with them that they like doing that doesn't require a lot of effort – looking at dumb magazines, comics, books, coloring, making collages, anything, bring it over and just quietly do it together, and they can talk if they choose to

35. Have your kid draw a picture for them

36. take them on a drive through a naturey type area

37. If you dont have a kid draw a shitty picture for them and then tell them your kid did it and then when they're like "what" just tell them this long story that you make up on the spot that will leave them breathless and flabbergasted and not depressed in general then end it by saying "and I brought my kid with me" and open the front door and have your kid standing there waiting to say hello

so have a kid first

38. draw shitty pictures with your friend

Shitty magazines are a must. I called her friend who works in a salon and she is going to give her a day of beauty

I think cleaning up at her house will really help. I know it's overwhelming to start doing when you're depressed but the clutter and stuff compounds the depression. The yard full of weeds and dead shit is not something that he really gives an f about, but I feel like cleaning it up could only help

She not he

The thing my wife needs most when she's in the pit: reassurance that the miserable, dead-inside person inhabiting her body is not who she really is, and that the real her will be back someday.

that's a beautiful sentiment. i wish someone had said to me when i was depressed.

Rox yeah, as someone who's had the cleaning done as I said up there, it really did cheer me up (and its a huge weight off, too - some kind of reflection of one's mental state being tidied, I guess?)

TBH if someone came round to mine and made me a cup of tea and chucked on a DVD and sat with me, without me asking, I'd probably burst into tears from gratitude at this point.

pick up some nice soft yarn and comfy wooden knitting needles; teach friend how to knit something really simple; have regular knitting dates

TBH if someone came round to mine and made me a cup of tea and chucked on a DVD and sat with me, without me asking, I'd probably burst into tears from gratitude at this point.

― Pureed Moods (Trayce)

im with you on that one, thats almost unbearable! my buddy, who's gotten really good at this, just simply says, "lets go see a shitty movie, come on asshole". and i could fucking sob like a baby over how much that actually hurts (in a good way). i sometimes feel like depression is a form of autism, all this shit roiling inside that just cant come out. the smallest gestures are usually the most potent. from my experience with it, its best to not try and solve problems or fix it, cuz you can't. just be there. and for gods sake do not focus the spotlight on them, that'll send us running into the darkness even more. just my 2 cents^ ^

GO OUTSIDE. Take them for adventure like horseback riding or weekend camping.

the mixtape is my bunch of flowers for sad friends

though it has to be friends who are receptive to mixtapes, not like I'm randomly shoving them into every saddo's hands

Board games!

Hah VG my ex used to make mixtapes and hand them to random people on trains!

fyi this thread just inspired me to message a depressed friend and out of the blue we decided I am bringing over sandwiches for dinner and we are going to watch a movie :D

thats the ticket VG!

One of the best things anyone ever did for me when climbing out of the pit was saying "hey I'm taking you to the grocery store"; I was ready to get out of the house, but not ready to deal with OH MY GOD, TOO MANY CEREAL CHOICES, CAN'T CHOOSE, HELP.

While standing stunned and helpless in the cereal aisle, she just said "hey I have seen Basic Four in your house, I'll just grab a box of that and put it in the cart."

Wonder if they still make Basic Four. That was a good cereal.

reassurance that the miserable, dead-inside person inhabiting her body is not who she really is, and that the real her will be back someday

this is a difficult one: i think you have to know definitely that that is a statement that would be reassuring for that specific person. for me, similar statements have made me feel unlovable and awful (i am so terrible that this person has to make up a fictitious unbroken version of me in order to even think they like me), and thence resentful and defensive of my depression.

pretty sure wmc knows what he's doing re: mrs c

but yeah

were he to tell me the miserable, dead-inside person inhabiting my body is not who i really am, he would be both wrong and probably punched

definitely advice best given when first solicited

irl lols, mookie

I really don't know what to do with my best friend. she lives in a different state now, was going to move back, but now seems like that's off. is going through a break-up, is on the spectrum and has a hard time being understood by people, and really wants to go to a therapist, but it's going to be months.

when we lived near each other, I'd hang out with her, and I'd let her get it out of her system, we'd have drinks, and she'd feel better (if not great) by the end of the night. sometimes we'd bring her other best friend, Er1ca as well (but now she moved to another state too, so we're in three different places).

in another state, she calls me, and I listen (I've learned by now she's got to get it all out, and quickly, before she can listen, so I am just an ear). but she worries me because she talks about suicidal thoughts and has almost as long as I've known her.

and it's weird, I'm not even close to an empath, but with her, I am. she's 15 years younger than me, so it's kind of an older brother thing. I worry a lot. she worries about me too - we very much are there for each other, but on average, I'm holding up better than she is at the moment.

i know it's a fool's errand to take responsibility for someone else's happiness, but since high school, I've always felt this duty to 'fix' everybody else's problems. I know I can't here.

she breaks down crying with me on the phone every other week it seems (like tonight). I'm so terrified of making it worse - i try to listen and validate and above all not give unwanted advice or burden her with too many questions. but idk - it feels so inadequate.

any tips? i haven't had a friend that leaned on me this much in years, and it's certainly no burden to me - but it does mean I'm woefully out of practice at this.

Neanderthal, I'm sorry. That's so tough. I know more or less what you're going through because my best friend is also severely depressed and lives across the country from me. It's a little different for me, though, because when she's doing really badly I just don't hear from her for months at a time. I don't have any tips, really, but it sounds like you're doing as much as you can. I'm sure just having someone to cry on the phone to makes a difference, even if it doesn't feel like you can do anything to help in the moment.

thx Lily. it's probably helping more than I realize but i always imagine the worst.

maybe i'll have something useful to say in the morning, but basically it seems like you're doing everything right. you know how she needs to be listened to. she's comfortable enough to cry. not everybody has a friend like that.

xpost, redundant now cuz it's basically what Lily said

lol thx lukas

who really doesn't help is her boyfriend (really more soon to be ex-boyfriend) who is constantly trying to involve me in his efforts to help, mostly because right now, their strained relationship causes her to be more skeptical of what he says, but also, he seems to not respect my boundaries as well as she does (which is frankly an amazing thing as there was a time where she didn't respect boundaries at all but we managed to get there through conversation and honesty).

she's doing better now, but now I'm overwhelmed by getting pelted this afternoon msging both of them. i told him to chill and let me talk to her cos I don't like being simultaneously pinged by two different people about the same thing.

i'm probably going to help pay for her to go to her first therapy session as she's short on cash, and it's affordable to where I can do it. she isn't the type of person who asks me for money. i'm just wanting to make sure I don't overdo it, as I've been trying to spread my excess funds to charities, friends in need, folks, etc, and I've definitely got plenty left over, but it doesn't take long for overextending myself to set in if I'm not careful. I think I'm ok to avoid it because I recognize when I'm doing it to myself, but y'know....I worry about my own brain.

i'm managing my own depression right now, and it's not as bad as hers, but it's pretty bad - so I'm taking lots of time for myself as needed. mine is more high-functioning at the moment in that I can do things, but I have random bouts of abject misery and sleeplessness late at night - but it comes and goes.

also now I'm hearing the plan is to move back here again so if she's here with me, there's more that I can do.

With the disclaimer of "I don't know you", do look after yourself in this. Do you have a sense of what you need?

I think so. my brain is fried like most people's due to 2020, but I take stock of my mental state and base my evening off of it, usually.

my thought processes are poisoned by the years I was heavily taken advantage of and just let it happen, so now unfortunately I wind up second guessing anything I do. but that's not a bad thing I guess.

How you doing, Neanderthal?

[You don't need to say].

I'm doin aight. my friend calmed down over waht she was upset about, and i've tried and ignored the negative stimuli that usually gets me worked up.

my avoidance of alcohol for the most part also is helping!

This all sounds good. Take care.

well...now this problem is morphing in a different direction. now my best friend is calling me multiple times a day upset about things for the last month. while I'm trying to deal with the many things going on in my life. I don't even answer all the time. I can't. she's exhausting.

she doesn't ask me about how I'm doing anymore. today is my birthday. my other friends have all sent birthday wishes. all she's done is msg me to tell me she tried to send me a birthday message on FB but that FB won't post it, and complaining over and over that it's not working. I literally asked her to give up and just tell me what it was going to say and she won't - what sense does that make?

she started sending me msgs again this afternoon to complain about several things. I mentioned in passing my brother is coming over for my b'day to gently remind her that I really don't want to be bombarded today of all days, but she doubled down and started telling me what a horrible day she's having. like who in their right mind would think I'd want to spend my 40th birthday having misery dumped one me, same as it has been every day for the previous month? so I wrote a flat, emotionless "I'm sorry" to her and that's it. because frankly, I just can't do this anymore. I can't be her therapist, and she's refused to even consider going to therapy even though some of us have offered to pay for sessions.

we stopped talking last year for a month and it was largely due to shit like this, and after we reconciled, she hadn't been like this at all. for the last year and a half, she had actually improved a lot and things weren't one-sided anymore. now it's back to talking about herself 24/7 and treating me as a dumping grounds and nothing more - not even a single "how was your day/how are you?", just everything about her. I know she's on the spectrum and she doesn't always realize she's doing it, and some of it is due to depression, but I'm also depressed and have been for months, but it's like I'm not allowed to be, if I have problems and mention them she just steamrolls over them to talk about hers.

I have a bad feeling this is going to result in another big blowup with her, which is just gonna leave me feeling drained, upset, and guilty, but I'll feel that way if I don't speak up about it either. I'm just really disappointed as she's just spent the last month gradually going back to being the shitty friend she was last year when we had our big fight, and it came out of nowhere.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

;) thanks. climbed the hill and sliding back down it now

Happy birthday!! Please create a healthy boundary w this person as a gift to yourself. 💕

Happy B'day Neanderthal!

is she in love with you?

Have a great birthday Neanderthal. I recently had to set a boundary like this with one of my oldest and dearest friends, and while the situation is altogether different, it also feels good to talk about these things.

I'd say just tell your friend that you feel like you aren't being listened to, and at least IME, that actually gives a lot of people pause.

treating me as a dumping grounds and nothing more - not even a single "how was your day/how are you?", just everything about her. I know she's on the spectrum and she doesn't always realize she's doing it, and some of it is due to depression, but I'm also depressed and have been for months, but it's like I'm not allowed to be, if I have problems and mention them she just steamrolls over them to talk about hers.

I have a couple of these friends ... though I know that I have been "that friend" at various points in time to other people, so my willingness to "be a dumping grounds" is some kinda karmic retribution idk? But, having been on both sides, I feel like, what helps is to have the boundaries set in a positive way, esp. if the friend has mental health issues and you care about them. Like, in the case where you want a day off from dealing w/her shit, maybe something like, "Hey, I'm going to be doing 'x' on my birthday and will be busy. Let's catch up on Monday." ... Give them something to look forward to, as opposed to making it sound like a rejection, but also put yourself out there as a person with needs distinct from theirs. It can be super exhausting, and the desire to just go the fuck off is super tempting ... or ghost them.

this friend and her ex are arguing every damn day and she shows me the text message threads and lately I'm starting to see her as the aggressor. trying to walk a tightrope between her perceiving me turning on her and pointing out "you can't really expect a civil reaction from someone you call a piece of shit five seconds earlier".

and she doesn't pay rent cos she just lost both of her jobs. i really wish she would finally go to therapy as I think she needs to be medicated. she's finally opened up to the possibility, because without that, I have no solutions for her (not that it's my job to make them).

on the plus side, i'm a bit more calm about it all cos my dad fell yesterday and I had to lift him up, so im more focused on his long term health at the moment (we're getting a wheelchair for him finally, as these stumbles happen too often).

finally erupted at her today. she was visiting this week and we had hung out (safely), and she said she was going home today, so I made plans to do something else this afternoon, and then she changed her mind and decided to leave tomorrow and is mad that I'm not available.

told her I'm not a puppet on a string and that she doesn't get to make demands of me and my time, esp when she changes her mind last minute.

idk why she wants to push me away but a few more instances like this and it's gonna happen. i've been more than patient.

i wish I could just bundle her up and hug her forever some days.

another friend of mine (my oldest friend, from high school) tells me his wife came out to him as gay and wants a divorce. both of them care about each other a lot, but he's still in shock that it's abruptly ending and this is also his second divorce (though this one definitely seems like it's going to be amicable unlike that one).

I don't know how often to check in. the last time it happened, I called him daily to see how he was and it started annoying him because it was sort of re-opening the wound each time and this time I'm trying to let him pick his moments to come to me and it seems like he wants me to check on him more. not sure - but I am glad he has a huge friend support system now compared to last time cos I absolutely can't do all the lifting by myself, he needs all of us.

this one I think some on the board might have experience with. my friend is autistic and has a REALLY hard time keeping jobs, as she often gets told the predictable "we just don't think you're a good fit". the last one she was at, she was killing it, but then got sexually harassed by a manager (i saw the texts) and couldn't bear to stay.

she's had two jobs last six days since then, and couldn't get out of training, and she's been in tears because she's used to things just never panning out. Looking on the internet, I've read this is a thing that happens often because discrimination is very hard to prove, people just say autistic folks are 'hard to work with' because they're more direct than neurotypicals, and don't "play the game" (fuck the game, btw).

are there any job sites that specialize in finding jobs for autistic folks that are worthwhile, or any other tips? It's not just money - she is often depressed and feeling like a 'failure' for not being able to keep a job, and while she can be hard-headed at times, I know that if people knew how to talk to her, she'd succeed a lot more.

how can you have so many friends that are always in crises man?

whats the bar for "friend" here?

whats the bar for your getting involved as an actor in these situations?

genuine questions for you here, honestly.

ill clarify my tone if it helps- i think it speaks well of your intentions etc but not of yr judgement

this is the same friend I've mentioned upthread.

please leave analyses of my fucking brain out of this thread, and either answer the question or fucking don't.

there are many things I've tolerated on this board, but your condescension towards me is one I'm BEYOND fucking sick of.

oh i dont care about that, i was trying to address the problem i see here.

but fair enough keep on keeping on