grief

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A very good friend who amazingly fearless and suave and and utter oddball who was very very fucked up in a lot of ways just killed himself yesterday and I'm not sure even why I'm posting, I guess it's because I'm alone in the house and everything feels unreal. ha as if YOU lot are real. I am responsible for calling some people and I've been able to get in touch with a few but not enough and I don't want to leave messages and I don't even really want to talk to cellphones because that means the person's out and doing other things so I've fucking nothing, I guess, but this writing. In calling people I think I'm discovering how many people there are to call. He was a guy who moved in mysterious ways and different circles and there are all sorts of pockets of people out there who knew this man that will be hit as hard - and harder - as me. He was supposed to come to my party Friday M Matos and AndyOnion.

A taller skinnier more strange looking gent I've never met. His face was like a garlic knot. His smile came so easy. He was French originally but had forgotten most of the language. His hair was a black weathervane. He loved strip clubs drugs. He loved music and he hated books. He was always getting into trouble. He painted extremely ugly paintings and drew extremely loving and vulnerable sketches and had a show at Izzy Bar this past Wednesday that I didn't go to because a friend had a birthday party and it was late and I blew it off. He was supposed to come to my party Friday but he didn't. I just got a call and some friends are coming over so computer time is finished. This is really for me, I think, a way to get this out somehow somewhere so forgive me. I had an impulse to put this HERE in this text box, so I think I should listen to it. No need to reply like it's a birthday thread or something but thanks for listening to me. I trust you guys something fierce!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Sunday, 15 September 2002 21:57 (twenty-three years ago)

btw i don't love everything at all right now. Some things are unlovable. I think he felt unlovable. Ladies were a mystery to him, he didn't know how to make and keep connected with people. I will never know. He was very rich and drifted through everything, never had a job. I think your personal life must be pretty fucking uphill in that situation if you're constantly doing things people don't want you to. He didn't play the games of the rich. He was dislocated from tracks of smooth success. His attack to life was as angular as his frame. He didn't belong because his resources allowed his restless nature to never stay rooted anywhere long enough to feel at home. He was never at home. I will never know. All these things are cast in a certain light right now - I could make the exact opposite case on another day, in another reality where he was still alive.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Sunday, 15 September 2002 22:09 (twenty-three years ago)

what is there to say ?

you've my condolences.

― mike (ro)bott, Sunday, 15 September 2002 22:54 (twenty-three years ago)

i am totally blown away by the beautiful and despairingly sad description you give of your friend.......what a loss, i wish i knew him too.
my condolences also Tracer.

― donna (donna), Sunday, 15 September 2002 23:21 (twenty-three years ago)

My condolences, as well. I'm so sorry- *hugs*. It's heartbreaking to lose a friend, especially when it's so sudden & they just disappear from your life.

Do you have any pictures or letters from him? My best friend died in an accident a year ago Tuesday, and I remember how incredibly unreal it all felt. The best thing I did in the week after she died was to go through all my negatives & photos & collect the ones that I had of her. I got reprints, and wrote about where each one was taken for some friends of ours- it made me incredibly upset to do it, but it was good in the end that I went through the effort.

Anyway, I doubt this will help at all, but we're all here, so post away.

― lyra (lyra), Sunday, 15 September 2002 23:25 (twenty-three years ago)

ha who sez we're not realler than you bub?

tracer, i'm going to email you, just cuz. but please don't get mad/upset if it doesnt happen to be tonight, since i think i have the flu. (also, this reminds me i have to mail you the recently re-discovered ilx mixtape!! although it obviously not need be any time soon...)

and condolences, as if you didn't already know.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Monday, 16 September 2002 01:45 (twenty-three years ago)

Of course, what everyone else said, condolences and commiserations. Being the one to call people is hard, but you're doing something that is both necessary and appreciated.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 16 September 2002 01:52 (twenty-three years ago)

condolences, Tracer.

― Aaron Grossman (aajjgg), Monday, 16 September 2002 02:10 (twenty-three years ago)

This is all too sad. You have my condolences.

― Andrew (enneff), Monday, 16 September 2002 02:21 (twenty-three years ago)

I'm very sorry to hear about this, Tracer. It was a very touching and heartfelt post. I'm real, and wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know I can't. Take care.

― Sean (Sean), Monday, 16 September 2002 02:22 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh, Tracer, how sad and horrible. I'm so sorry.

― rosemary (rosemary), Monday, 16 September 2002 03:12 (twenty-three years ago)

tracer - i will try to reach you asap.

― geeta (geeta), Monday, 16 September 2002 03:36 (twenty-three years ago)

I am sorry to hear that your friend took his own life, and send you my most heartfelt condolences. The grief and pain felt when someone you care about dies are indescribable. Perhaps no-one will ever really know the reasons why he chose to do this - maybe some tortured souls are just not for this world - and all anyone can do is hope he has now found the peace he sought.

(((hugs)))

C J

― C J (C J), Monday, 16 September 2002 07:51 (twenty-three years ago)

Terrible news Tracer, I'm very sorry.

― stevo (stevo), Monday, 16 September 2002 07:55 (twenty-three years ago)

Tracer, i went through something similar last christmas

your description is shockingly similar to M, who died last december. we still don't know what happened, unsure if it was alcohol, heroin overdose or what. i don't think it was suicide, but there was a real disregard for his own life. i can't go through Wakefield anymore, i just don't know why. i know pretty much how you feel tracer, email me if you feel the need ok?

― gareth (gareth), Monday, 16 September 2002 09:18 (twenty-three years ago)

Sympathy and condolences, obviously. Maybe this is a bad thing, in that it risks penalising others, but I feel this particularly strongly because of your wonderful writing here. I have yet to lose a friend, and long may it continue that way, but I can sense how it would feel. Sorry.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Monday, 16 September 2002 17:13 (twenty-three years ago)

Thanks everyone for the kind kind words.

gareth there's mis and disinformation flying about, which is annoying. In the first flushes of disbelief you'll trust anything anyone says, anything to fill the hole that's there - all types of outlandish speculation have been passing for fact.

Something else that tells you something about this guy: his name doesn't return any results on Google. Maybe after today it will: Romain Deplas.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 16 September 2002 17:17 (twenty-three years ago)

tracer

i am bad at this, and i dont know what to say.

here is a hug and if you need to email, im here.

― anthony easton (anthony), Monday, 16 September 2002 21:17 (twenty-three years ago)

twelve years pass...

https://www.facebook.com/sheryl/posts/10155617891025177:0

― Mordy, Wednesday, 3 June 2015 20:41 (ten years ago)

five years pass...

Might be of interest:

https://goodgrieffest.com/

― djh, Friday, 30 October 2020 18:42 (four years ago)

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