quick what do you say to someone when their parents die?

need to know ASAP

Tell them, "I just asked my anonymous Internet acquaintances how to communicate with people face-to-face and they said ..."

seriously! do you say "I'm sorry" ??? but what are you apologizing for? i never understood that formality and now i'm uncomfortable using it but i don't know any others! gah!

it's not an apology

SOMEONE PLEASE

you're saying you're filled with sorrow

you say

"i'm sorry for your loss. it must be very difficult to lose your parents. let me know what i can do for you."

AAAAGH

AAAAGH prob a bit heavy handed tbh, this is their show not yours.

"i'm sorry for your loss. please let me know what i can do for you."

You know what I'd argue is the most important thing? Saying something at all. As I've experienced, some people won't really say much of anything and might avoid the person in question altogether. Whether this is out of discomfort or what, I can't say. But remember: this isn't about you. Be there for them, and make sure they know you're there for them. That's all you can do.

Because there's nothing worse on top of losing someone than to feel like the people you generally count on have abandoned you.

it kind of matters who this person is to you.

eh this guy is a major bro (close friend) just looking for something to say that isn't too formal or distant just warmly sympathetic and natural

tell them you're sorry.

tell him you're there if he wants to talk, or even if he doesn't. nothing you say really matters, taking the time and effort to say it matters a lot.

yeah i mean you're right that there's no "right thing to say" because what can you say that can make up for someone's parents dying? the important thing is just checking in and letting them know you'll do what you can to support them, because i think for many people losing their parents is losing the major supportive figures in their life.

nothing you say really matters, taking the time and effort to say it matters a lot.

― pet tommy & the barkhaters (darraghmac), Tuesday, June 5, 2012 5:58 PM (19 minutes ago) Bookmark

Yeah you can't make it better, but it's your responsibility as a friend not to make it worse by making them feel awkward. So just "hey man / bro / dude (or whatever), really sorry to hear about what happened" would do, then just be there to listen if they want to talk about it.

You know what I'd argue is the most important thing? Saying something at all.

OTM

no matter how awkward you feel at the time the gesture will be greatly appreciated.

both my parents died back in the 90s so I've been (gratefully) on the receiving end. and these days it seems like all my middle-aged peers are caring for ailing aged parents or mourning them. I still struggle with what to say and worry about whether it's right but just "being there" for people helps a lot.

Hamakom yinachem eschem b'soch sha'ar availay Tzion v'Yerushalayim.
May God, Who is everywhere, comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

just so you know some of your options

that's beautiful, mordy, however this friend is very involved in palestine advocacy so i'm not too sure how appropriate dropping the "z" bomb would be at this sensitive moment

By the waters of Babylon, there we sat down and wept, when we remembered Zion.

not traditional liturgical comforting for mourners ^^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-5E6_qtXAw

Take them out for stupid fun as soon as they are ready. Offer it to them right away, because they will be ready before they or you expect. It worked for me, anyway.

the person who has lost their parents is still reeling emotionally, unlikely to be scoring mental points on friends who say the 'right thing' vs 'the best thing' vs 'the worst thing'. just don't spin your wheels forever waiting for the right most perfect thing to say to come to you. you're saying it for them, not for you. it'll feel awkward and weird no matter what but really is that such a big thing considering what your friend is going through?

ie Deric otm just say something.

ppl comfortable enough with death to say the perfect sensitive thing at the right time = ppl to watch out for!

^^^

http://i1007.photobucket.com/albums/af193/JPMDarkStar/Grim-Reaper.png

"i'm sorry for your loss. please let me know what i can do for you."

head tilted forward in respect, in hushed tones, "in time, the reaping comes for us all"

my best friend's mom died a few months ago. she was in the hospital for a few days, and we knew it was coming, but obviously it's an awful thing for a 22 year old to have to go through. i think me just 'being there' for him - crying with him, letting him sleep on my couch, or come over at any time of the night - helped him a lot. at least i think it did. if you're just going to text him or something, just say something like "my god, i'm so sorry. please let me know what i can do." anything. if you're close with this friend, saying exactly what you're thinking should work. then when you see him just give him a hug

idk if this was a joke thread or not but

vegemite grrl otm

it doesn't matter if what you say doesn't make logical sense to you, just say it and let them know if they need to talk more you're there for them, and then leave them alone to mourn and be aware that when they need you to be there it will probably come suddenly and unexpectedly and maybe not comfortably for you but that's what "being there for them" entails.

seriously! do you say "I'm sorry" ??? but what are you apologizing for? i never understood that formality and now i'm uncomfortable using it but i don't know any others! gah!

― flopson, Tuesday, June 5, 2012 3:42 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

huh, really?

i'm sorry = "it makes me sad to see u go through this" or w/e, not "i apologize for my role in this tragedy"

and when I say 'say something' I mean say anything except 'whoa bummer dude'

k3vin is OTM except I wouldn't text.

It's a coincidence this thread got created. Last night before bed a casual glance at FB before closing the laptop revealed that the best friend of my last boyfriend (with whom I'm still good friends) died under mysterious circumstances in Orlando on Saturday. Although it was 10:50 p.m. I didn't hesitate: I called him directly. He was -- well, distraught is too kind. But I said as plainly as possible that I was sorry and if he needed me at all he knew where to reach me. He hasn't -- he's a self-reliant sort -- but I knew from his voice that my taking the time at the late hour meant something.

a similar thing happened to me when a close friend's 90 y.o. mom died (on mothers day). i called on his cell after he posted something on FB, knowing it might come at an awkward time, which it did, he and his sister were going through his mom's room. but i could tell he really appreciated the call.

Answering as someone who lost a parent (someone who was dear to me beyond words!) -

If you're a sensitive person and a good friend, and your bereaved friend knows that, they will not mind so much. Everyone reacts to death differently.

It depends on why you are uncomfortable. I think it's normal to not know what to say. It is normal to feel guilty. I don't mind if people I respect say nothing or don't even send a card.

To be truthful if someone is insensitive at time of loss, you usually just ignore it. You have bigger things on your mind.

What hurts me is my own mother and some of dad's friends, like, not giving dad enough respect. I think maybe mom was too upset but she acts like it is nothing. Maybe dad's friends feel that way too. But it did bother me for a while.

I don't think guilt is bad, you didn't suffer that loss and emotionally it's a way of not intruding in someone else's loss. You can express your feelings at a later date.

I side only with the anti-social media reactionaries when it comes to the importance of hearing the human voice and pressing flesh during low moments.

press the flesh!

idk if this was a joke thread or not but

― the route is ban (k3vin k.), Tuesday, 5 June 2012 18:55 (14 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

not a joke! just saving my seriousness for my correspondence with him

he's in new york with his mother, went down after school ended when his father stopped voluntarily eating due to reaction to medication to help with the family business & stuff. so i have no way to physically interact with him. we've been corresponding though, and talked quite a bit about it yesterday afternoon, shortly after he'd been told his father wouldn't recover and that it would only be a matter of time. i never met his parents but i know that they are immensely proud of him. he's the smartest person i know and has recently been on the receiving end of some fantastic awards and scholarships. so i basically said that i would hope he can find consolation in knowing that his father could not have been more proud of him, that we can only imagine how much it meant to him to see you doing so well before he left, etc.

i thought it was pretty sweet

i totally understand your awkwardness with saying "I'm sorry" - what are you sorry for, you did nothing - and my self-consciousness about that set phrase means i generally end up just skipping it.

e.g. "dude, i can't imagine what you're going through, this must be so difficult for you. i hope you are bearing up okay. i'm here if you want to talk."

i would hope he can find consolation in knowing that his father could not have been more proud of him, that we can only imagine how much it meant to him to see you doing so well before he left, etc

this seems to me a really strong and sympathetic thing to say.

thanks!

those were some v nice somethings that you said, nicely done

You know, you can do what I do. It's acceptable to feel shy about regrets, but you could send a card. You could talk about what your own parents mean to you and what that loss means. Also how difficult it must have been to watch his father deteriorate and that you care.

Sometimes writing is easier. I still have a box of cards from when my dad died. I will keep them forever!

you hand them the arcade fire album 'funeral'

Lies! Lies!

Mostly seriously, you hand them a copy of The Tree Of Life. And tell 'em to wait a while before watching it. It's pretty effing cathartic if you're dealing with loss, though.

Swear to God, flops, I had this conversation last Saturday. (I'm the gray balloons.)

http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/963/photobs.png

HEARTFELT CONSOLING WORDS WITH FRIENDS

telling someone about the death of your father thru a words with friends PM is..........

... yeah, it took me a sec.

so i basically said that i would hope he can find consolation in knowing that his father could not have been more proud of him, that we can only imagine how much it meant to him to see you doing so well before he left, etc.

This is so nice. I'm sure it meant a lot.

Music for losing your composure during a period of grief: Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's "Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World"

"that said"

Caring for a sick parent truly sucks. It's hard when they can't do things with you and you have to watch them waste away. Hard explaining that to employers and stuff - sometimes you have to leave work and be ready to drop everything to take care of the sick parent.

Not only that, but really sick people get angry and frustrated a lot! You watch them fight with nurses and stuff.

My dad had heart disease and you don't get as much compassion from acquaintances because "he brought it on himself".

When dad was sick sometimes people I barely know showed up out of the blue at the hospital. I didn't feel like "why the @#$% are you here" but it was a thoughtful gesture! Because sometimes people you've known your whole life don't bother to visit.