Tell a Fairy Tale (or any classic story) from Memory

this may only be interesting for people who have very poor memory, like myself, but i propose that in this thread we attempt to tell classic stories, and then embellish and/or make up the parts where we can't remember what happens.

The Three Little Pigs

once upon a time there were three pigs. they were brothers, and they lived in three houses that were positioned on three hilltops in a forgotten fairy tale land. all was well for the longest time, and they often went to the market, or had roast beef, or stayed home. but then a wolf with a short temper moved into the neighborhood. he was notorious for his behavior in other lands, but he was determined to get off on the right foot, and so he began making a glorious cake that he could share with his new neighbor pigs, as an introductory gift, and a good excuse to get to know them. things were going to be different in this new land for the wolf. but he quickly discovered that he was out of sugar. as the market was closed, he decided to ask one of the pigs to lend him a cup of sugar.

The First Pig - An Unexpected Feast

he set off at dawn for the long journey, and by the time he arrived at the first pig's house, the sun was already beginning to set. he was quite literally starving, and thirsty. he politely knocked on the door of the house, which was made out of straw.

"go away!", the pig said.

the wolf was taken aback but assumed that the pig didn't realize who was at the door. "i am your new neighbor, the wolf!", he said. "could i trouble you for a cup of sugar?"

"fuck off, you miserable wolf. i hate you", the pig said. he had been drinking again.

the wolf said "i'm only asking because i mean to bake you a cake, for you and your brothers!", but there was no response. "i'm dying of starvation! do you know how long it took me to get here?? help me!", but again there was no sound from inside the house. the wolf felt his anger rising. he didn't want things to be like this. why were his neighbors always so antagonistic? he knew he shouldn't lose his temper, but the other voice was entering his head again. he felt so weak, so tired, so hungry. his kind half was unable to fight back, and so the other voice dominated. "you will take the sugar by force. you will make a lesson of this pig."

"open the goddamn door!", he shouted. "or i'll huff, and i'll puff, and i'll blow your house down! it's only made of straw! i'm surprised it didn't blow down by itself in last week's storm anyway!"

there was no answer, and the wolf's eyes flashed red as he huffed, puffed, and then blew the house down with great aplomb. the wolf noticed that people in the neighborhood were watching. fuck them all, he thought. and fuck this life, all of it, everything about it. it's time to eat. the pig tried to scream, but was unable to as the wolf leaped across the room in an instant, pinning two of the pig legs to the coffee table and chewing into the neck, simultaneously. the pig made a horrific, pathetic noise, and passed out in terror. the wolf ruthlessly rummaged through the rubble of the house, located a canister of sugar without difficulty, and then poured it over the unconscious pig.

the neighbors had fled in terror, and all was quiet on the hilltop except for the sick sounds of the wolf chewing the pig's innards, and the spewing water pipes, snapped in half from the demolition of the house.

The Second Pig - The Clear Light

he awoke, confused, in an unfamiliar house. the terrible smell of the rotting carcass had jolted him out of his strange dreams. and already this stupid story for ilx had gotten far too long. he stumbled out of the pile of straw, back onto the trail, his brain blocking the comprehension of what had happened the previous night. someone else had murdered that pig. i'm glad i didn't have to witness that, he thought, as he walked along the dusty trail toward the second pig's house.

as he approached the house, which was made of sticks, he saw the pig pacing outside on the front porch. "why hello, neighbor" the wolf called, "i am glad that-" a bullet whizzed by the wolf's head and deflected off a tree as the wolf dove for cover. the pig fired another shot, uselessly.

"you murdered my brother! you took the life of my brother! did you know he was going to be a doctor? did you know how the young piglets of this county adored him? and you took his life, for what? for your beastly dietary needs?! i will have my vengeance!"

the wolf was very confused, as another bullet flew by. the pig must be mistaken. that the youngest pig was dead, apparently a doctor to be, could not be denied. but who could know how he died? there had been a great storm that night, and the police hadn't even had time to investigate. right? it was true that he was woke up there in the rubble alone, and that was difficult to explain, but the wolf had only approached the house for a cup of sugar, and had no recollection of what happened afterward.

the pig had retreated into his stick house. the wolf approached the house cautiously, determined to make the pig understand that he had nothing to do with the death of his brother. and hopefully, to borrow some sugar once the matter was laid to rest.

"get off my property! i'm on the phone with the police! they're on their way!", the pig said. the wolf felt something dark emerging from his heart. an old, unwelcome acquaintance was nearing. why was this pig so combative? why should he be shot at by his new neighbor, when he only wanted to make everyone a cake? why must everyone be trying to fight him? and is it this way everywhere in the world? and this is why he must fight, always, fight. he must defend himself. he looked into the window of the house and was face to face with the barrel of the pig's gun. he ducked just in time as the bullet shattered the window and sailed into the countryside. a crow
noisily flew off. the wolf howled maniacally.

"i will beat you to death with your own bones, you swine!" he growled. and he huffed, and he puffed, and blew down the house of sticks. the noise was deafening. the pig was halfway buried underneath jagged shards of wood, breathing with great difficulty. the wolf approached slowly.

"please, let me live! i'm sorry!! i'm so sorry!!", the pig squealed. "oh, anything but that!! oh anything but that!", said the pig, as the wolf took one of the sticks and set it on fire. the pig began praying to his god, frantically, atoning for his sins. "i'm so sorry!" he repeated, and the wolf didn't know who pig was addressing, a god or himself. "you are certainly sorry", said the wolf as he touched his torch to the sticks at the pig's feet. "you will certainly be tasty". the wolf simply couldn't wait for the pig to be cooked properly, so he ripped off an arm and bit into it. the pig was already in another land, somehow ignoring the heat of the fire which was now frying his supple calves, ignoring the sight of his own arm gushing out blood in the mouth of the demonic wolf, and ignoring the wolf's mutterings - "this is like sashimi. this could take off." and then, just as he drew his final breaths, the pig thought he saw an angel, extending a hand toward him.

"you are free", the angel said as the fire overcame his body.

"you are worthless" said the wolf. "this world is worthless".

The Third Pig - Disassociation

the wolf immediately set off toward the third pig's house, since this stupid story had already become embarrassingly long. the third, elder pig's house was a brick, three-level fortress. from a distance the wolf could see dozens of turreted windows, each with a visible rifle protruding, trained at the well worn path leading up to the front porch. as the wolf approached, a dozen men, human men, stepped behind him, surrounding him. the startled wolf twirled around to face the men, twice as tall as he.

the kind wolf with good intentions had now vanished beyond reach. a new wolf mind began to integrate, a fearful complement to his violent aggression. from behind him, at the brick fortress, came a voice.

"Mr. Heulender. Mr. Heulender." said the third pig. the pig was wearing a long lab coat and blue trousers. "you're in a hospital. you've been in this hospital for 2 years. do you understand?"

the wolf howled, and howled again. out of the corner of his eye he saw that the men were whispering and shaking their heads. the dozen men, no, the two men. he was mistaken. two men. two doctors. he howled.

"my name is Dr. Carl Schweinchen. you're in a hospital. do you understand?"

Mr. Heulender could not understand. he had to blow down the brick fortress. he howled mournfully.

Dr. Schweinchen was now addressing the two other men in the room, who were student nurses. "Mr. Heulender experienced severe trauma on Christmas Eve, two years ago. he kept adding logs to a fire, which quickly got out of control and burned the entire house down. two of his brothers died, as well as his mother. very tragic. among his close family, only his father, who was at Wal-Mart buying a cake, remains. Mr. Heulender was badly burned himself, and when came out of his coma, his father began screaming at him before he could even say a word. his father blamed everything on him, and worked himself into such a rage that he had to be restrained. he was attempting to choke his own son. Mr. Heulender's mind split. now he is a wolf, a mother wolf."

Heulender gnawed at his own sleeve.

hans christian anderson's tale of the snowman who fell in love with a stove:

so there's a snowman some kids made and he...became sentient? i'm hazy on this point because i can't remember whether this was a Very Special Snowman who happened to come to life somehow or whether a conceit of the story was that all snowmen are alive but they can only be understood by...dogs? because there's a dog, and he's kind of a dick, but i think he's a dick because of Circumstances, and he can talk to the snowman.

so the snowman is looking around and learning about the wonders of existence, and everybody knows how irritating that shit is so the dog came over and started barking at him. then there's a lot of like call and response where the snowman makes a comment about something and the dog says something aggressive and hardboiled back.

somehow the snowman sees a stove in the window of the house that belongs to the kids who built him and he announces he's in love with her (the stove) and the dog tells him to fuck off because that's a molly ringwald/ducky situation if ever he's heard one. he bit a kid! that's what the dog did. he bit a kid so now he has to live outside and get fed scraps and he talks a lot about how wonderful it is to be inside the house but that neither he nor the snowman will ever have that experience again.

the snowman spends what seems like a long time being forlorn and gazing at the stove he's in love with, but one day he starts to melt because of the sun and the dog is like "ha ha i told you you were gonna melt someday." anyway, when the snowman melted the dog saw that the kids had used a pipe from the stove to attach his head to his neck and the dog was like, "oh, so *that's* why."

Two Princes

There were one, two princes who adored a princess.
"Go ahead now," she said.
He said, "A dib a deep. a dip dip a dap a dabba dibba dibba dibba dabba dooba dooba dooba dooba."

You left a whole lot of that one out iirc.

i remember that one. the bad prince was a scary hulking black dude with chains who dealt Drugs or was a rapper or both, and the good prince was a skinny weedy white hippy, right?

also it's not drugs if it grows in the ground, maaaaan.