Most useless joke at this year's Edinburgh fringe

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Once again I'm shaking my head at this year's list of funniest gags
http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/2012/aug/21/edinburgh-fringe-funniest-jokes-revealed

Poll Results

OptionVotes
4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett 29
9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders 8
10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." 4
8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis 2
1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis 2
5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner 1
3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh 1
2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." 1
6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine 1
7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold 0


mod night at the oasis (NickB), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 08:29 (twelve years ago)

5)

Mark G, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 08:35 (twelve years ago)

Actually, I just picked the best one, oops.

Most useless? 8

Mark G, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 08:36 (twelve years ago)

I'm sure 8) is a variation on a very old joke but I can't think what the original was.

Colonel Poo, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 08:36 (twelve years ago)

obviously 4

http://robbeckettcomedy.com/

i mean just take one look at this utter cuntflap

r|t|c, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 08:38 (twelve years ago)

putting tim vine in here is p dense, machinegunning useless jokes is his whole thing iirc

r|t|c, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 08:40 (twelve years ago)

fucking hell comedians are utterly worthless creatures

lex pretend, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 08:49 (twelve years ago)

NONE of these are REMOTELY FUNNY

lex pretend, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 08:49 (twelve years ago)

yeah like can you imagine ever being that desperate for attention

r|t|c, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 08:53 (twelve years ago)

Yep, 4 is the clear winner.

Seems strange to have a competition like this given that the vast majority of modern comedy runs on completely different lines.

Temporarily Famous In The Czech Republic (ShariVari), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 09:00 (twelve years ago)

9 is the worst in terms of just not working as a joke

4 is the worst in making me think about what an awful human the comedian pobably is

it's-a me, irl (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 09:14 (twelve years ago)

these are never funny. that said it's less an indictment of all comedians, for me (not that I'm much of a fan of the genre) and more just a bizarre media op. one-liners aren't particularly funny as a rule and they aren't even a big part of any decent stand-up.

Know how Roo feel (LocalGarda), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 09:20 (twelve years ago)

eh 9 works fine, it's meant to be shit

8 too if it wasnt for the unnecessarily awkward "how ships are kept"

r|t|c, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 09:44 (twelve years ago)

Tony Cowards ‏@TonyCowards
A bloke asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water, he must think I'm some kind of mug.

fucking winner

ledge, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 09:54 (twelve years ago)

Take my wife, Posh and Becks.

sleepingbag, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:00 (twelve years ago)

i thought 10 was the best... of a bad bunch.

Know how Roo feel (LocalGarda), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:14 (twelve years ago)

3) might work better if it had a bit more pathos in it like "my sister was devestated" rather than annoyed. that said, jokes are rubbish and rarely work, especially out of context.

second only to popcorn (or something), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:18 (twelve years ago)

What is the joke in #1? (I do know who Posh and Becks are.)

get you ass to mahs (abanana), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:35 (twelve years ago)

I thought #3 was the only one that was kinda funny even when read as text. Some of the others might work live, but #4 I could never ever imagine laughing to. (Maybe because I come from a working class family, and we had a big shelf full of books.)

Tuomas, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:35 (twelve years ago)

(x-post)

I assumed their kids have funny names? Don't know if that's actually true, though.

Tuomas, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:36 (twelve years ago)

Oh wait they named one of their kids Seven. Whatever.

get you ass to mahs (abanana), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:37 (twelve years ago)

I thought Seven was Andre 3000's kid?

Tuomas, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:39 (twelve years ago)

Star Trek Voyager has a lot to answer for.

get you ass to mahs (abanana), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:41 (twelve years ago)

'harper seven'. the seven is, i am informed, after beckham's shirt no.

thomp, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:42 (twelve years ago)

This whole Tim Vine school of terrible one-liners is very grating. Obviously number 4 is the pits. I'm not against stand-up but firing out a stream of terrible puns like so much Twitter fodder seems really redundant today.

Here's that tenner I owe you, asshole (dog latin), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:45 (twelve years ago)

want someone to find out if number four went to oxbridge

thomp, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:48 (twelve years ago)

http://www.pleasanceahoy.com/media/uploads/profile/0/20120630092833_preview.jpg

seems unlikely

ledge, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:50 (twelve years ago)

http://www.slashfilm.com/wp/wp-content/images/slimer.jpg

Here's that tenner I owe you, asshole (dog latin), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:53 (twelve years ago)

About half of these are passable Reader's Digest jokes. I laughed a little at number 5. I voted for #4 for useless class dickholery.

the same dope water as you (how's life), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:54 (twelve years ago)

well i assume the appeal is the speaker's nominal working-classness tbh. can't decide if that makes it worse.

thomp, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 10:57 (twelve years ago)

I think it would make it worse, although I don't have any clue what class the guy is supposed to be from. Encouraging the whole system that oppresses you and all. Plus, lots of middle and upper class people have moved to kindles and nooks anyway, so their bookshelves are smaller. It's like making a TV dinner joke in the 1990s.

the same dope water as you (how's life), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:03 (twelve years ago)

I totally want to imagebomb a thread with that pic of him though. Really hope there's a clusterfuck today.

the same dope water as you (how's life), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:04 (twelve years ago)

http://robbeckettcomedy.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Rob-Becketts-Big-Mouth1.png

mookieproof, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:05 (twelve years ago)

Yeah, that drawing is a generous reimagining of what's really going on there.

the same dope water as you (how's life), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:10 (twelve years ago)

http://sgfringe.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/robbeck.jpg

the same dope water as you (how's life), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:11 (twelve years ago)

he looks like this other, female, comedian:

http://media.livenation.co.uk/fido/publishing/artiste/b/h/c/Holly%20Walsh.jpg

second only to popcorn (or something), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:14 (twelve years ago)

bit big.

second only to popcorn (or something), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:15 (twelve years ago)

these are p funny

max, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:15 (twelve years ago)

don't troll

thomp, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:16 (twelve years ago)

actually it's only 1, 2, 4 that bother me

thomp, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:17 (twelve years ago)

also on what planet would groupmember making joke about group be less offensive than nonmember doing the same

max, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:17 (twelve years ago)

planet england

thomp, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:18 (twelve years ago)

2 is stupid. 4 is just a british jeff foxworthy joke. i grinned at 3, 7, 8, 10. none of the rest really bugged me

max, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:18 (twelve years ago)

being a class traitor totes worse than just hating the poor anyway (nb i am pretty sure i don't actually believe this but who knows)

thomp, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 11:20 (twelve years ago)

> It's not rocket salad.

this joke first heard in Love Soup series 2, what, 4 years ago? (imdb says 2008, so yes)

koogs, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 12:08 (twelve years ago)

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51YQDFG1RBL._SL500_AA300_.jpg

mod night at the oasis (NickB), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 12:13 (twelve years ago)

There's no logic to that joke either cos surely rocket salad would be really quick to prepare?

mod night at the oasis (NickB), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 12:15 (twelve years ago)

http://archives.mikeerickson.net/xhtmlfall09/images/005.jpg

a hoy hoy, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 12:27 (twelve years ago)

nope

the same dope water as you (how's life), Tuesday, 21 August 2012 12:28 (twelve years ago)

neat how the first ten jokes of like any Rodney Dangerfield standup is worlds better than the best of British one-liners

frogbs, Tuesday, 21 August 2012 14:40 (twelve years ago)

ban comedians

lex pretend, Wednesday, 20 August 2014 06:58 (ten years ago)

We can only flag them

Mark G, Wednesday, 20 August 2014 06:59 (ten years ago)

xp but 'my set' suggests him actually trying to physically force the badger into a sett entrance that it is too large to fit through, with just its abdomen and back paws showing, though.
'Mr Fatbadger' I like as a faux-Dickensian character name, but it already has 4 google hits

soref, Wednesday, 20 August 2014 07:12 (ten years ago)

How is this one not on the best list?

6. “I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” - Tim Vine

StanM, Wednesday, 20 August 2014 09:26 (ten years ago)

These one-line twitter pun comedians that seem to be everywhere these days are the worst thing in the world

Hogan's Bluff (wins), Wednesday, 20 August 2014 09:50 (ten years ago)

And I am not against awful puns obv! I've made jokes like those before I'm sure, but the idea of someone having to sit and come up with hundreds of them for a job is so depressing

Hogan's Bluff (wins), Wednesday, 20 August 2014 09:53 (ten years ago)

idk, although not funny there's something perversely admirable about Tim Vine's dedication to his work. One Tim Vine seems plenty, though.

Wristy Hurlington (ShariVari), Wednesday, 20 August 2014 09:54 (ten years ago)

Like well fucking done you thought of a common phrase and worked backwards, now tell me a joke

Hogan's Bluff (wins), Wednesday, 20 August 2014 09:54 (ten years ago)

Saw one of these fucks called Gary Delaney, he was MUCH worse than Vine

Hogan's Bluff (wins), Wednesday, 20 August 2014 09:58 (ten years ago)

Gary Delaney
Film writer
Gary Delaney is an English writer and stand-up comedian. Delaney was born in Solihull. BBC Online described Delaney as "the man Jimmy Carr tries to be". He writes for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang! -Wikipedia
Born: April 16, 1973 (age 41), Solihull
Spouse: Sarah Millican (m. 2013)
Movies: Trash House

soref, Wednesday, 20 August 2014 10:42 (ten years ago)

As I'm sure I've said upthread somewhere, I don't find Tim Vine funny, but he does kind of get away with it because this is so much his schtick, it's not just bad jokes, it's bad jokes as a raison d'etre.

1. “My mate sat on my pumpkin. He butternut squash it.” - Leo Kearse

This is definitely the worst. The tenses don't even really work. In the past an activity took place, but you are punning on a future imperative? Like, it's actually easy to make it better just by resolving this conflict: "My mate asked if he could sit on my pumpkin. I said yes, but you'd butternut squash it".

emil.y, Wednesday, 20 August 2014 11:33 (ten years ago)

see i assumed that was a joke about butts and nuts

Daphnis Celesta, Wednesday, 20 August 2014 11:35 (ten years ago)

anyway, stand-up is 96 percent bullshit and within that context Tim Vine seems quite likeable and easily as funny as most of his peers

Daphnis Celesta, Wednesday, 20 August 2014 11:36 (ten years ago)

Tim Vine kind of wears you down with sheer volume of bad jokes until you start laughing despite yourself (well I do, anyway), I think his jokes suffer from being taken out of context like this, which maybe seems counterintuitive?

soref, Wednesday, 20 August 2014 11:49 (ten years ago)

Yeah, with Tim Vine its definitely a case of quantity over quality, but sometimes gorging on laboured puns is enough,.

DISMISSED AS CHANCE (NotEnough), Wednesday, 20 August 2014 13:57 (ten years ago)

Sometimes it is, not enough.

Hogan's Bluff (wins), Wednesday, 20 August 2014 14:05 (ten years ago)

That post only works because of poor grammar.

DISMISSED AS CHANCE (NotEnough), Wednesday, 20 August 2014 15:11 (ten years ago)

the problem with lex' denunciation of comedy is, to adopt zizek, that is isn't violent enough

Little Saint Hugh of Lincoln (nakhchivan), Wednesday, 20 August 2014 17:23 (ten years ago)

maybe it's short for gangban comedians

StanM, Wednesday, 20 August 2014 17:44 (ten years ago)

Saw one of these fucks called Gary Delaney, he was MUCH worse than Vine
― Hogan's Bluff (wins)

Gary Delaney is a GREAT joke writer - a real old-school craftsman. He's got a Steven Wright vibe to his best work. His interview on Stuart Goldsmith's podcast is fascinating for anyone interested in the mechanics of joke writing.

Walter Galt, Wednesday, 20 August 2014 19:10 (ten years ago)

Huh when I saw him it was basically tim vine with added xkcd/ONLY INTELLECTUALS WILL GET THESE CRAP PUNS audience-flattering lameness

Like I'm coming across as a grump but I'm not much troubled by discernment irl I basically like everything but I'm struggling with the idea that there is any overlap between ~smart comedy~ and "the punch line is trigonomnomnometry"

Hogan's Bluff (wins), Wednesday, 20 August 2014 22:43 (ten years ago)

Have to admit I've got a real soft spot for Tim Vine.

the joke should be over once the kid is eaten. (chap), Thursday, 21 August 2014 00:58 (ten years ago)

"My wife hadn't heard of 'mansplaining', so I told her what it was"

Mark G, Thursday, 21 August 2014 07:31 (ten years ago)

1-5 on the good list are all par or above

XP ysee if mansplaining is just being a man explaining something to a woman then that doesn't work, but obv on ilx it has a chance

duff paddy (darraghmac), Thursday, 21 August 2014 08:02 (ten years ago)

Yeah, it's 'only' a ... actually, no it's a true story it happened yesterday.

It needs an insert along the lines of ' I told her slowly and carefully' to be a joke, but it's not.

Mark G, Thursday, 21 August 2014 09:53 (ten years ago)

the problem with lex' denunciation of comedy is, to adopt zizek, that is isn't violent enough

IT CAN BE VIOLENT

lex pretend, Thursday, 21 August 2014 09:59 (ten years ago)

Nah, the mansplaining thing needs to be more like "My wife was telling me about 'mansplaining' yesterday, so I had to tell her what it was" (this is not funny but truer to the purpose of the neologism).

emil.y, Thursday, 21 August 2014 10:56 (ten years ago)

What my wife was telling me about was a situation where it seemed clear that it was a colleague had an issue, but was explaining it to her as if it was her problem or issue. When I had said what mansplaining was, she said "yes, that's exactly how it was".

Timing!

Mark G, Thursday, 21 August 2014 10:59 (ten years ago)

ya to both

it is a bad joke, anyway, I think were all agreed

duff paddy (darraghmac), Thursday, 21 August 2014 11:00 (ten years ago)

my gf went to a lecture where she learnt about mansplaining, when she told me i said "oh yeah mansplaining let me tell you all about that". we both lolled, trufact.

ledge, Thursday, 21 August 2014 11:01 (ten years ago)

Close. To the ledge.

Mark G, Thursday, 21 August 2014 11:08 (ten years ago)

Jamaica I hardly Antigua

Hogan's Bluff (wins), Thursday, 21 August 2014 12:14 (ten years ago)

the tim vine joke really sucks

^ 諷刺 (ken c), Thursday, 21 August 2014 12:35 (ten years ago)

sorry, no, his joke was great, but the subject matter really sucked

^ 諷刺 (ken c), Thursday, 21 August 2014 12:35 (ten years ago)

The problem with it is that the common phrase isn't "collecting dust", it's "gathering dust". I would never describe an unused object (my exercise bike, for example) as collecting dust.

goth colouring book (anagram), Thursday, 21 August 2014 12:49 (ten years ago)

I think people say 'collecting duct'.

the joke should be over once the kid is eaten. (chap), Thursday, 21 August 2014 12:55 (ten years ago)

'dust'

the joke should be over once the kid is eaten. (chap), Thursday, 21 August 2014 12:56 (ten years ago)

course they do. joke passed.

duff paddy (darraghmac), Thursday, 21 August 2014 12:59 (ten years ago)

"collecting dust" About 842,000 results (0.40 seconds)

"gathering dust" About 623,000 results (0.34 seconds)

Welcome to my spooooooky carnival! Hope I don't... blow your mind! (Phil D.), Thursday, 21 August 2014 13:10 (ten years ago)

^^^ mansplaining fyi

Welcome to my spooooooky carnival! Hope I don't... blow your mind! (Phil D.), Thursday, 21 August 2014 13:10 (ten years ago)

"collecting duct" (464,000)

^ 諷刺 (ken c), Thursday, 21 August 2014 14:44 (ten years ago)

The Gary Delaney jokes I like take about a half second to land, e.g. "Why is it every time I go to the gym, Princess Diana dies?"

But yeah, his last show had a big chunk about memes and Wikipedia (like him having edited the "Alf" page to claim that it stood for. "Alien I'd like to fuck") - I could see that stuff being more annoying.

But he's a very funny dude I think

Walter Galt, Thursday, 21 August 2014 15:12 (ten years ago)

Wait - Tim Vine is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremy_Vine 's brother?

StanM, Thursday, 21 August 2014 15:28 (ten years ago)

Yes.

emil.y, Thursday, 21 August 2014 15:29 (ten years ago)

I bet Tim is grim and realistic at family dinners and Jeremy is vv funny.

StanM, Thursday, 21 August 2014 15:35 (ten years ago)

saw someone say they were brothers y'day and thought they were joking

J Vine's trembling 'emotion' voice while speaking to people about grave issues on air is one of my least favourite sounds in the world

for sale: Bebe's boots, never worn (DJ Mencap), Thursday, 21 August 2014 15:35 (ten years ago)

Jeremy vine is profoundly worthless

I'm willing to entertain the possibility that I've got this Delaney character all wrong, but after 20 mins I was like just gimme a genial idiot talking about how his dad is a bit weird or whatever

Hogan's Bluff (wins), Thursday, 21 August 2014 15:53 (ten years ago)

"My wife was telling me about 'mansplaining' yesterday, so I had to tell her what it was" (this is not funny but truer to the purpose of the neologism).

if this whole sentence was the joke then i would approve 100%

Merdeyeux, Thursday, 21 August 2014 16:04 (ten years ago)

The mansplaining joke more or less reworks this Jimmy Carr bit:

"Someone came up to me after a show and said he thought I was paytronizing. I said well I think you'll find that's pronounced 'patronizing'." (Aside to front row): "It means when you talk down to someone."

Plasmon, Thursday, 21 August 2014 18:14 (ten years ago)

http://i.imgur.com/NXeiY0b.jpg

StanM, Friday, 22 August 2014 15:25 (ten years ago)


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