Cosmopolitan's August 2012 Issue: "Wow Your Man With These Moves Inspired by 'Fifty Shades of Grey'"

i definitely read this article, i am a subscriber now

also i think ashley greene is mad hot

Complete options:

http://www.nerve.com/advice/ridiculous-tips/shades-of-stupid-emcosmo-ems-worst-bdsm-tips

1. "Graze your teeth over his index finger (it is the fleshiest and can handle the pressure) while he’s taking you from behind."

2. "During sex, stick your finger in his mouth and order him to suck it."

3. "Use your bra to bind his hands behind his back, then cover your nipples in yummy toppings and command him to lick them off."

4. "Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs."

5. "Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky handjob."

6. "Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower — wet skin is more sensitive."

7. "As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward."

8. "Quiz him — what’s your favorite flower, movie, etc. — and if he gets it right, he’s earned ten seconds of oral. Wrong and you drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won’t burn) on his chest."

9. "Out at dinner, massage him over his pants — stop when he becomes hard. You want him to squirm throughout the meal like a two-year-old who needs to pee."

10. "Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible."

11. "In the shower, get him to shave your legs for ultimate submission."

12. "Let him write 'property of [his name]' on your underwear before you leave for work. It’s an all-day-long reminder that he is your 'master,' which is awesomely kinky."

13. "Lie across an ottoman, and tell him, 'Professor Wankerton, I’ve been bad and need a spanking.'"

14. "Walk, no haul ass, over to the kitchen supply aisle, and purchase a silicone pastry brush for him to stroke over your breasts and clitoris."

15. "Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it — the muted sensation feels amazeballs."

16. "Let him run an electric toothbrush between your toes mid-foreplay. He shouldn’t stop no matter how much you squirm."

17. "Have him use a ruler to lightly tap your inner thighs as he goes down on you."

When Your
VAGINA
ACTS
WEIRD
After Sex

i would be perfectly happy for this to be the thread for links of crazy shit on/weird reminiscing about/hate screeds toward/general 0_o as regards cosmo

'Professor Wankerton, I’ve been bad and need a spanking.' vs 'silky tie handjob' vs 'yummy toppings' vs 'ten seconds of oral'

the editor and chief just died btw

30fuckinyears

xp lol @ ur dn, amazeballs

gf and I looked at this at the bookstore, there was one along the lines of "be extremely bitchy - tell him he's not licking/touching you in the right spot or right way, for no reason" that seemed even more absurd.

the enduring legacy of HGB

I can't shave my own face without razor burn or cutting myself. Any girl who demanded that I shave her would only be hurting herself.

10. "Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible."

then have him go all scrooge mcduck on it

http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/06/money-bin-scrooge-mcduck.jpg

http://chzdailywhat.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/rip-helen-gurley-brown-at.jpg

a few more gems from the same article:

“Bite his inner thigh right where his balls are resting. Being a little too close for comfort is a rush.”

“Order him to paint your toenails while you wear a mini with no undies.”

“Have him lie on the floor totally naked. Shimmy into a pair of thigh high boots and walk in circles around him, stopping to press the heel of your boot into his bare skin.”

“Using your thumb and pointer finger, make a circle and press it firmly against his ball sack so the skin is pulled taut. (he’ll be able to withstand more pain than he would if they were just hanging loose) Tap your fingers firmly over the area, then move onto light scratching.”

“Strap one of his belts around your waist and let him hold onto it like a leash while you two have sex.”

“Introduce him to a tracing wheel (it’s like a blunt edge pizza cutter) and tell him to roll it gently over your clitoris.”

“Tell him to use his tie to create a gag for you- it’s soft enough that it won’t hurt too much. Have scissors on hand in case he has trouble untying it.”

“Have him create a homemade whip with a small hand towel and whip your backside with it. He should…learn the difference between snapping his wrist rapidly versus a slow follow-through.”

tell him to roll the blunt edge pizza cutter gently over your clitoris

ideas for ilx

these seem like they were written by a person who has never actually tried any of these suggestions

or had sex

"Take your knife and stab him in the face for a fun change of pace"

hey i just met you
and this is crazy
but paint my toenails
while i wear a mini with no undies.

Quietly approach him from behind wielding a potato masher and force it down on his genitals repeatedly. He'll be in heaven!

"Quiz him — what’s your favorite flower, movie, etc. — and if he gets it right, he’s earned ten seconds of oral. Wrong and you drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won’t burn) on his chest."

Haha this is batshit but also appealing but NOT sexually, it just ties into my love of pretending to be a gameshow host. And I guess also my love of SEXUAL TORTURE. Not really, I don't think I could do sexual torture without it seeming like an affectation. Which this one definitely does. The questions should be general trivia questions and not Newlywed Game bullshit though.

Even if hea EARNS the ten seconds of oral it's surely the worst rhythm ever, stopping him to be like, "What's my favorite Todd Rundgren album, SLAVE?"

lol @ todd rundgren

lol

nothing kills boner like having to say Hermit of Mink Hollow

WRONG
WAX ON YOU CHEST HAIR
oh god I have to think of another question

Professor Wankerton?????

congrats to dr wankerton on his promotion.

i am watching melrose place now and michael mancini just goes "my little sister coulda told you this from reading cosmo"

o snap

Have him create a homemade whip with a small hand towel

so do you actually "create" a whip out of the towel or just whip them with a towel

[random household object] + [verb] + [erogenous zone] + [impossible phony phrase]

Misread the cover at the top as The Ho Issue.

Use your bra to bind his hands behind his back, then cover your nipples in yummy toppings and command him to lick th

and i misread this as "cover your nipples in yummy droppings"

ha, the frozen change and the hairbrush swat are the most insane

This is seriously the best thing I've read all month. Amazeballs.

What if you don't have an ottoman? Where do you do Professor Wankerton then?!

Hey babe, you should come over tonight. I read the latest Cosmo, and it taught me to do the sex very good. I've got a bag of pennies in the freezer and a fork on the nightstand, if you know what I'm saying.

bahaha

i voted for (clean!) loose change in the freezer.

don't break the skin or anything!

Cosmo tipping the hat to EL James has to be some serious pupil-becomes-the-master ish, right?

12. "Let him write 'property of [his name]' on your underwear before you leave for work. It’s an all-day-long reminder that he is your 'master,' which is awesomely kinky."

one of those jobs that involve looking at your own crotch all day

and if you get it, won't you tell me how?

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

ten SECONDS of oral for knowing what your favourite flower is? ten SECONDS???

and who gives a fuck about flowers in this day and age?

um

"As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward."

This image is pretty hilarious. Could you imagine the look on some unsuspecting dude's face if someone tried this on then? lol

I still can't get over the one about pouring frozen loose change on your vadge. It sounds so uncomfortable and random.

Yeah that one is pretty out there.

Otoh, the one about running an electric toothbrush over your toes is pretty wackadoo as well. Did the Cosmo writer conduct some form of mad libs where they would come up with random household objects going on random body parts?

run a hot iron over your man's shins for maximum pleasure

Have your man spank your kneecaps with a toilet paper cozy.

Rub the back of his neck with a cheesegrater

Tell him to massage your stomach with a frozen turkey. The cold against the warm? Incredible.

irl lols

5. Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky handjob.

and then make him wear it at the office the next day

hanging out of the fly of his pants

More proof that working at Cosmopolitan magazine will drive people to the brink of madness.

When Your
VAGINA
ACTS
WEIRD
After Sex

― johnny crunch, Thursday, August 23, 2012 7:41 PM (2 weeks ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

DYING

i've been explaining the frozen change thing to pretty much everyone i talk to. i dunno if it's a good social choice but i find it impossible to keep to myself.

The amazing thing is how almost all of these are basically just generic Cosmo sex article filler bullshit for people so vanilla that they can't even venture into the sex shop at the mall for some low-intimidation spice-up-your-love-life stuff, no, my god, it must be RANDOM HOUSEHOLD CRAP that isn't going to feel good or make either of you feel sexy or anything. It's just that, layered onto the already weird zone of Shades of Gray sexuality, it acquires an extra dose of ridiculousness. What subset of people who earnestly read and got off to that book would find any of these suggestions more appealing than, I dunno, the stuff actually depicted in the fucking book? Not to say the book seems like much of a sex manual but it's just hard to picture the person that's like "oh, yeah, that book really hits the spot" finding fulfillment by taking otherwise ordinary sex and throwing in this one odd, confusing moment where they run their teeth across someone's finger out of the blue. So strange.

"Graze your teeth over his index finger (don't take them out first)"

his butt cheeks, his
his butt cheeks, his
his butt cheeks, his
his butt cheeks, his
his butt cheeks, his
his butt cheeks, his
his butt cheeks, his
his butt cheeks, his
his butt cheeks, his

there is like not a single thing on this list I'd find a turn-on. I'd be like, "why the f%#k are you swatting me with a hair brush? And will you stop already, 'cause it's really annoying"

"SLICK YOUR VULVA"

"As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward."

i'm pretty sure this would earn the rider an immediate bucking off

Right? It sounds so painful!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_8RLvMOqZg

Sink your hands right into my ears, baby!
Let's see what we can do!

"Take your knife and stab him in the face for a fun change of pace"

― Jeff, Thursday, August 23, 2012 9:05 PM (2 weeks ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Worst Eminem lyric.

The tie handjob is so hilariously gross and borderline Patrick Bateman-esque.

WARRIORS
WARRIORS

Dr Wankerton

these seem like they were written by a person who has never actually tried any of these suggestions

― The muted sensation feels amazeballs. (forksclovetofu), Friday, August 24, 2012 12:57 AM (2 weeks ago

ummm ..

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2012/aug/31/fifty-shades-el-james-husband?INTCMP=SRCH

"Why the fuck are you ruining one of my good ties?" "Why the fuck are you wanking me off with this nasty old tie?"

Anytime I get bummed about the fact that I'm not currently dating anyone, I try to remember that I'm not dating anyone in the midst of Fifty Shades Of Grey's massive popularity. And then I smile because that feels pretty solid.

What, you don't think it would be fun for your partner to jab you in the butt with a fork or ambush you in the bathroom so they can beat you with a hairbrush? Weird.

Just read Cosmo article. Not pictured: hairbrush

http://content8.flixster.com/question/31/86/68/3186682_std.jpg

The Cosmo cover promises 52 Sex Tips ("all new"!) inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey". What happened to the other 35?

LOL @ electric tootbrush

Some people find that the ruler is the most sensual of measuring devices...

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

ah we have an intellectual crowd.

DJ Silktie Handjob

as in 2008 i voted for change, but i won't deny that the most mortifying one won.

Respect to anyone who can say Professor Wankerton with a straight face.

lol @ "voted for change"

professor wankerton, what's another word for pirate treasure?

(clean!)

"Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky handjob."

sorry this would feel like shit, try again

"Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis, then rigorously jerk it around until his member is snatched clean off his body."

better

see this is why, when I want a handjob, I call up DJP

democratic of them to go with "silky".

Walk, no haul ass, over to the kitchen supply aisle, and purchase a silicone pastry brush for him to stroke over yo

these poll options are so much better when they get cut off

i'm trying to think of things that would make a vagina more unappealing than covering one with loose change that has spent months if not years on end lying on sidewalks. hitting one with a hammer?

would like to somehow combine this poll w/ the "lemme smang it" lyrics poll