Alex Cross, starring a macho Tyler Perry and a roided-out Matthew Fox!

When an acting role doubles as damage control for rumors regarding your sexuality:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXtRKrcPwKE

This looks like something that should've premiered on Lifetime.

pretty psyched for this, i won't lie

Feel like Dennis Rodman should be in this somewhere.

so butch!

this has one of the funniest taglines ever: Don't ever cross... Alex Cross

"I will see you at the gates of Hel...mut Lang section of Bloomingdale's! Bring your credit card!"

dont ever alex cross cross cross cross cross...

the trailer really is a delight. dubstep, shitty cgi explosions that look like someone pasted in some animated gifs, 90s serial killer movie cliches, meet u @ the gates of hell

that rocket launcher scene looks like they used the first pass on FX

i wonder if m-fox's alleged background as a serial beater of women was used to channel the role.

matthew fox looking through sniper scope: and by the way mister cross... your wife looks absolutely ravishing
tyler perry: noooo

I will watch the shit out of this... on Netflix in six months.

Perry doesn't do anything for me, at least out of drag, so I just look at the poster for this as an invite to lick Fox's armpits.

(roids NAGL tho)

hoping there's a nude scene so i can yell "hot cross buns!"

argh

And from that day forward, DJP was forever haunted by the phrase "Tyler Perry nude scene"

wow ed burns too

matthew fox looking through sniper scope: and by the way mister cross... your wife looks absolutely ravishing
tyler perry: noooo

― turds (Hungry4Ass), Sunday, October 14, 2012 4:21 PM (3 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i could watch a gif of tyler perry's total lack of reaction here for maybe 2-3 minutes

Cross to bare

YOU ARE SICK AND TWISTED

the zinger lines are really clunky

"there's not one scenario that you have THOUGHT of, that he has not already figured out!"

appearance of ed burns made me lose it fully

"WE GOT TO GET INSIDE HIS HEAD"

So far this is all i have for the theme song:

catching fiends, spending money...burrata
Got the ladies walkin' funny...stigmata

I can't even get my head around everything wrong with that

like, is the song's narrator pounding his nine inch dick through these ladies' feet and that's why they're walking funny?

the zinger lines are really clunky

"there's not one scenario that you have THOUGHT of, that he has not already figured out!"

― there is no dana, only (goole), Wednesday, October 17, 2012 11:06 AM (10 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

his only zinger line should be "you're making me ... CROSS" and he should say it every three minutes

"You're religious, I see. But there's more than one well-hung Cross in here. Your savior might've been nailed to a cross but you're about to get nailed by a Cross. Prepare to get caught in the Crossfire, baby."

like, is the song's narrator pounding his nine inch dick through these ladies' feet and that's why they're walking funny?

that's a question for drake, i'm just ghostwriting

oh, so make that a five inch dick

"a cross is basically a lower-case t ... and i've got a case of lowered expectations that fits YOU to a t"

the unrated cut has him crossing the tees

"you like crosswords? well you're about to solve 9 a-CROSS - 9 millimeter, that is"

Marko: Vell, vell, it looks like your time is over, Mr. Cross. Any last requests?

Cross: Can I hear my favorite album?

Marko: and vat vould vat ve?

Cross: *grabs henchman's gun* JUSTICE!

Marko: GET HEEEEM

Cross: *shoots Marko* CROSS!

"If you Cross swords with Alex Cross, you'd better have a deep scabbard."

"If you're hungry, I have a buttery, flaky Cross-ant you can nibble on."

lol this is just turning into flat-out porn now

"you're being a smart alec, but i'm being a smart alex ... cross, that is"

http://i1354.photobucket.com/albums/q686/tinyservants/cross_zps23baac36.gif

ha ha he's just like " ... and?"

Heart my Cross, brah

alex crossdresser

http://www.mememaker.net/static/images/templates/124091.jpg

Cross Purposes

I hope Perry was smart enough to fund his cinematic predilections with some product placement:

http://kookykitsch.com/Portals/0/productimages/4731_05671.jpg

Closing paragraph from The Onion AV Club's D+ review:

It’s hard to take a villain seriously when he’s sitting around his crime scenes making charcoal sketches in which he embeds clues regarding his next victim (remember, this is a paid assassin, not John Doe from Seven), and equally tough to credit the hero as an analytical genius when he seems to just pull sudden leaps of insight out of his ass. (To paraphrase the sage words of Holmes, when you’ve eliminated everything that isn’t in the script, what is in the script, however improbable, must be the truth.) If the Alex Cross franchise doesn’t successfully reboot, Perry may want to take a look at the hilariously gung-ho alien hunter Freeman played in Dreamcatcher. That dude seems more up his alley.

Tyler Perry was on the Colbert Report last night and the clip they showed from the movie was pure A+ lols. I really want to watch this now.

surely we can all wait to download this.

Of course! I wouldn't want to spend any money on this.

multiple cat-and-mouse phone conversations in which Perry shouts words like “maggot” and Fox twitches every muscle he can locate in what remains of his face after he dropped to what appears to be roughly 1 percent body fat.

i could spend money on this.

that i said i also endorse tyler perry taking part in a dreamcatcher prequel

honestly nothing guarantees i will see your movie more than the descriptor "cat-and-mouse"

I honestly had not laughed that hard in a while, but the explosion scene was so funny.

http://deadspin.com/5952812/a-semi+comprehensive-list-of-everything-tyler-perry-pretends-to-do-in-alex-cross

Spoilers...if you REALLY care:

Anyway:

Runs.
Holds a gun.
Punches a man.
Is surprised his wife is pregnant.
Wears a tie.
Untucks his shirt.
Kisses his wife.
Answers phone.
Opens door.
Calls his partner (Edward Burns) on the phone.
Puts on another shirt.
Drives a car.
Tells Edward Burns he loves him.
Inspects a crime scene.
Looks concerned.
Sees a dead body and looks sad.
Narrates a torture scene from looking at the evidence.
Praises a psychotic's charcoal painting technique.
Uses a woman's severed thumb to open a safe.
Slices open an envelope.
Takes an assault rifle away from a German guy.
Rides an elevator.
Snarls.
Points a rifle at psychotic Matthew Fox.
Jumps out of the way of a grenade.
Crawls out from under a table.
Staggers.
Glowers.
Explains what Matthew Fox's nose looks like to a sketch artist.
Describes Matthew Fox as a "stimulus-seeking sociopathic narcissist."
Tells a coked-up secretary he just ate at McDonald's.
Comforts a scared Jean Reno.
Refuses Cognac.
Looks annoyed by Jean Reno.
Has a drink with his wife.
Makes a joke.
Looks at a disgusting picture on his phone.
Calls Matthew Fox "one sick twisted son of a bitch."
Asks Matthew Fox if he "zaps his testicles with a stun gun."
Runs to save his wife from Matthew Fox.
Fails.
Holds his dying wife's head.
Cries.
Cries.
Cries.
Says "no, no, you're OK."
Cries.
Cries.
Sits in a church pew.
Cries.
Attends funeral.
Gets a drawing of Matthew Fox.
Calms down Edward Burns.
Comforts daughter.
Tells daughter about his dad dying.
Answers phone.
Tells Matthew Fox, "I'm gonna watch your soul come oozing out of your body, you maggot."
Shows regret.
Bulges eyes.
Crushes phone.
Takes shirt off.
Saws off shotgun.
Holsters handgun.
Sasses his mother.
Vows revenge.
Holds flashlight in mouth.
Watches Edward Burns weld.
Wears do-rag.
Asks Giancarlo Esposito if he knows a chemist.
Breaks into a warehouse.
Punches chemist.
Throws chemist into a table.
Hits chemist with golf club.
Rocks back and forth in anguish.
Weaves in and out of traffic.
Yells at motorist to "move!"
Argues with his superior officer.
Furrows brow in frustration.
Looks furtively in several directions while a camera circles him.
Runs away from an explosion.
Rams Matthew Fox's car with his truck.
Chases Matthew Fox into the Michigan Theater.
Shouts at Matthew Fox.
Gets hit by Matthew Fox with a wrench.
Punches Matthew Fox.
Karate chops Matthew Fox.
Bangs Matthew Fox's head against a pipe.
Kicks Matthew Fox in the groin.
Screams as Matthew Fox breaks his arm.
Throws Matthew Fox down a staircase.
Hangs from a pipe.
Drops Matthew Fox to his death.
Drinks coffee.
Tells Edward Burns, "This ain't over."
Skypes with Jean Reno.
Figures out Jean Reno's grand plan.
Listens on Skype as Jean Reno explains his grand plan.
Smirks as Jean Reno realizes Alex Cross has framed him for a crime.
Nods as Edward Burns says, "We got him."
Says, "Yep, we got him good."
Laughs.
Laughs.
Shakes Edward Burns's hand. "Thank you, brother."
Goes back home.
Looks at daughter.
Smiles.

Fin.

.gif

Comforts a scared Jean Reno.
Refuses Cognac.

shoulda been a poll

Never too late.

This looks horrible, but I'm oddly drawn to it.

can't really think of another actor as bad as Perry getting this kind of a vehicle but surely there must have been one.

Lautner?

definitely in the ballpark

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/8/87/Collision_Course_1989_Film_Poster.jpg/220px-Collision_Course_1989_Film_Poster.jpg

Ha ha ha ha omg. This is the only other picture for Collision Course on IMDB:

http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTQzNDU5MjE4Nl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNjU3NTQzMQ@@._V1._SX450_SY684_.jpg

There are two threads for this movie already?!

The sad thing is Collision Course is set in Detroit as well. We are truly a cursed city.

can't really think of another actor as bad as Perry getting this kind of a vehicle but surely there must have been one.

while i knew from the trailer this was by the author of Kiss The Girls, i had no idea perry was playing the same character Morgan Freeman did. his getting this makes a bit more sense now that I know it was a matter of trying to find a bankable name for a semi-franchise a la jake ryan on the cheap.

lol i mean jack ryan

Don't apologize, Jake Ryan was very attractive.

So who will be the miscast black actor that takes over the role for future installments?

I think Tyler Perry was only offered this after Idris Elba fell through.

"Well, it doesn't look like Matt Damon can do this film. Guess it's time to call Andy Milonakis."

lol

"Let's see if the guy who earned the most of anyone in Hollywood last year might feel up for it."

Yeah, but...come on. Using that logic, they might as well have cast Oprah.

omg

WOULD WATCH A BILLION TIMES

Jesus, that would be the perfect post-talk-show victory-lap take-a-break-from-OWN get-groove-back thing she could do.

That would be awesome. Or maybe she could do a an action movie sequel to The Women of Brewster Place as sort of a female Expendables.

Spandexables

http://barkersandrubes.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/oprah-and-rambo-explosion.jpg

They're seriously working on ExpendaBelles.

http://www.deadline.com/2012/10/millennium-hires-legally-blonde-scribes-for-expendabelles-spinoff/

we need to start a "Cast Oprah In Expendebelles" campaign

I will contact change.org.

chix from The View gotta get in on that

"You get a bullet! And you get a bullet! Everybody gets a bullet!"

Hahaha!

Double Cross

http://www-deadline-com.vimg.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/tyler-perry-cross__121018020252.jpg

Double Cross will feature Cross cracking a case by maintaining two identities, one of whom is a sassy grandma

Stop! Or Madea Will Shoot!

http://blogs.ajc.com/the-buzz/files/2012/02/300h.jpg
Did someone order a Cross Aunt?

There is one and only one reason to see Alex Cross. Matthew Fox. Scariest villain since Hannibal Lecter.
Comment by Cass — Thursday October 18, 2012 @ 3:03am PDT  REPLY TO THIS POST

Medea looks kind of like a Founding Father.