Most pitiful of these alternative Christmas jokes

The full horror:

Isy Suttie - What do you call a neckerchief which has one small thing wrong with it?

A craveat!

Nick Helm - How many snowmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

What a ludicrous proposition. From a health and safety standpoint, it'd be madness for even one to attempt it.

Ava Vidal - What did Mrs Claus say to Father Christmas?

It's Operation Yewtree on the phone. They want to talk to you about Savile.

John-Luke Roberts - What goes 'Ha Ha Ha Ha Bonk'?

My wife and my best friend laughing about me behind my back and then having sex with each other.

Lucy Beaumont - What do you call a blind reindeer?

Fit for work and no longer eligible for his disability allowance.
The best of the rest

Miles Jupp - John asks his wife "What do you want for Christmas, darling?" His wife replies, "I don't know, surprise me." John then waits till his wife has left the room, and when she re-enters he jumps out at her and screams "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, DARLING??"

Cariad Lloyd - What is the friendliest tree?

A-willow. (You have to say it out loud to make it work.)

Holly Walsh - What's brown and sticky?

Some faeces. (Human faeces or dog faeces)

David Trent - I lost my temper in Domino's pizza the other day and ended up pushing the bloke behind the till. He fell into another member of staff, who fell into another member of staff, who fell into another member of staff ...

Nathan Caton - Naughty kids may get no presents this Christmas but they only have them elves to blame.

Jigsaw - Who travels over the rooftops in a red suit evaluating behaviour?

Spiderman.

Pippa Evans -
What did the policeman say to the turkey when he came out of the oven?

I'm going to have to do a full cavity search.

Joe Wilkinson - 'Instead of Jokes in a Christmas crackers they should put in something more useful, like the rules to Kabaddi or instructions on how to delete your internet history.'

If someone can explain Cariad Lloyd's joke I'd be grateful.

o elllo

i guess

these are not fuck all to do with xmas

assuming it hinges on her Welsh accent xp to Billy

also can I just say how much the cover of Miles Jupp's book enrages me every time I see it in Waterstones

http://i1191.photobucket.com/albums/z462/that_hideous_man/fibber.png

christ he's awful english looking int he

the laboured puns i'm gonna dismiss, which mainly leaves the worst of the worst as the vaguely "topical" or "political" shithouses.

looking at Nick Helm, Ava Vidal and Lucy Beaumont. Joe Wilkinson sounds like he's probably a cunt too. gonna let Lucy Beaumont off cos at least there's a faint tang of righteous bitterness to her unjoke.

so, Father Christmas is a lol paedo or lol Health and Safety or lol so random lol Kabbadi i'm so wacky

the 2 blokes look like utter fucknuts but i'm thinking the laboured mouthbreathery of the Savile joke might technically be the worst?

hang on, you missed Nick Helm off the poll options, can't vote for the cunt, gonna vote Ava Vidal, soz, if it's any consolation mrs you were all fucking worthless unfunny wankers tho

also this article provides another fine defence of lex's "comedy = death" position

i watched have i got news for you as preparation for having to listen to extended family and other random ppl discussing british culture and public life over christmas

they had john terry in a photograph of the royal family

thread made me look up unfunny comedians thread depressing stuff

Welsh accent sadly missing from Guardian website.

there's a lot of neckbeards in the world of alternative unfunniness, when did this happen?

If someone told me the Nick Helm joke irl, I'd have to restrain myself from slapping them. Too bad I can't vote for that.

The qualification in the Holly Walsh joke made me laugh.

I like the Miles Jupp one

Haha, some of these were pretty funny you miserable curmudgeons. You’d just have to deliver them well. Ava Vidal one is dire though.

Ava Vidal one is dire

^ this

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

yeah I like the miles jupp one

only one I laughed out loud at

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

still dont see how many of these are 'christmas' jokes