✞ how much did jesus weigh? ✞

does the bible give any clues

200 pounds, about 50 pounds of that being dick weight

lol

The earth weighs approximatly 6,585x10(21) tons

jesus weighed exactly as much as he wanted to weigh.

if he was too fat the cross would probably fall over, so there is some upper limit

young Jesus stamp, muscular Jesus throwing tables around in the temple
old Jesus stamp, fat and hunched over dying on the toilet

✞ how much does justice weigh? ✞

Now, let us consider the emaciated and weak image of this man. The question is, what sort of physique would Jesus have? According to tradition he worked in his father's trade until he began his public ministry at age 30. Generally, we have been taught that Joseph was a carpenter, but the Greek indicates that Joseph was more in the lines of a building contractor.

If that's the case, we must consider the resources available for building in Nazareth. And what do we find? A dearth of wood and a plethora of limestone, so if Joseph (and Jesus) were builders it is most likely they were stone masons.

Have you ever seen a weak and emaciated stone cutter? Me neither. So, Jesus' upper body strength was probably, shall we say, above average? Then consider the number of miles this man walked during his brief ministry. Estimates put the distance traveled at over 2,000 miles over rather rough terrain. Therefore, Jesus' lower body strength was well developed as well.

in other words, jesus was RIPPED

i estimate that he was 210 pounds, 1% body fat

girl, I assure u my lower body strength is the most developed of any prophet in any Abrahamic religion

now get on this cross

They should get Chuck Norris to play Jesus in a movie.

the gospel of swole jesus

would worship (his muscles)

WWJW?

jesus didn't carry his own cross to golgotha. he THREW it several times, heaving it about 75-100 feet ahead of him on the path each time, and flexing divinely while he slowly walked

god I'm so hard rn

real talk, the fundamentalist girls in our school choir would openly fantasize abt our lord and savior's celeb face and body combos

a practice as old as xtianity itself no doubt

'Protein shake companies HATE this Messiah! Nazarene carpenter discovers how to get ripped in only SIX WEEKS, without expensive supplements.'

one WEIRD TRICK to get ripped like jesus!

step one: be the son of man
step two: skip ahead to step three
step three: repeat step one

From Ken's Guide to the Bible

Tubby Jesus

Jusus may have been fat. The Gospels often depict him as eating and encouraging others to do likewise, and he always complains when people are bothered by it:

He rebuffs John the Baptist's disciples when they gripe about his well-fed followers. Mt 9:14-15, Mk 2:18-19, Lk 5:33-34

He complains to a Galilee crowd tha, "I came eating and drinking, and you say, 'Look, a glutton and a drunkard...'" Mt 11:19, Lk 7:34

He proclaims himself to be "Lord of the Sabbath" so that he and his disciples can gather food whenever they want. Mt 12:1-8, Mk 2:23-28, Lk 6:1-5

When tubby Jesus is hungry, he becomes dangerously cranky. "In the morning, when Jesus returned to the city, he was hungry. And seeing a fig tree by the side of the road, he went up to it and found nothing at all except leaves. Then he said to it, 'May no fruit ever come from you again!' And the fig tree withered at once." Mt 21:18-19, Mk 11:12-14, 20-22

God Hates Figs

"jesus has got, he's got like... patrick demsey's face... and arnold schwazenegger's arms... and like, george michael's butt" *giggles uncontrollably*

The illustration caption in Ken's Guide is worth quoting as well:

Tubby Jesus turns his eyes toward heaven and his hands toward a dinner roll. Perhaps he's offering thanks for flowing robes.

Could god make His own son so fat that even the biggest rascal scooter He Himself could create could not transport Him?

"jesus has got, he's got like... patrick demsey's face... and arnold schwazenegger's arms... and like, george michael's butt" *giggles uncontrollably*

"he keeps them all in jars"

wasn't the average male height like barely over 5 feet back then? he was probably a tiny dude

king tubby jesus meets disciples uptown

lmao fat and short Jesus is Danny devito, fuckin knew it

then of course there's the famous story of jesus turning water into wine and then chicken wings (John 2: 6-15 NIV)

6Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.

7 Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.

8 Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”

9 They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew.

10 And then Jesus said to the servants, "Go and gather seventy seven plates while I drink this wine", and so they did as he asked.

11 The servants returned with the plates and were astonished to find that the chicken wings appeared on the plates even as they placed them on the table.

12 "It is a miracle!" they cried, but Jesus rebuked them and said "no it's Tuesday with Christ, and I'm Christ."

13 "But where did the wine go?" they asked, but Jesus rebuked them again. "I turned them into chicken wings a minute ago". And the servants as well as the rest of the wedding party were very thirsty.

14 "We enjoyed the free chicken wings and thank you, but now our throats are dry and scratchy.", they complained.

15 "Look I don't know how to turn the chicken wings back into wine so if you would all just

http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/8849/627662-ripped_jesus_super.jpg

omg dying xp

http://www.dickpurtan.com/storage/JesusBoxer.jpeg

that's me in the corner
that's me in the spot
light
creating a religion

but aren't we all boxing with jesus, in some respects?

that first ripped jesus on the cross that crut posted has made me irl lol like 4 times in a row now

Burger King of Kings

prince of pieces of pizza

that first ripped jesus on the cross that crut posted has made me irl lol like 4 times in a row now

― "reading specialist" (Z S), Friday, 28 December 2012 21:22 (5 minutes ago)

i love the whole american suburban impulse to be intimidated/horrified by Weak Emaciated Jesus

did jesus have abs?

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb5gmd2XRD1rhnaddo1_400.gif

the swOley ghost

jesus' abs were so ripped that they had to use two spears when the roman soldiers lanced his side on the cross - the first one exploded on his abs on contact

http://www.timkeel.com/timkeel/LordsGym2.gif

What the lolol, crut

he sold mus-l blast protein powder in galilee

misavier weighs a ton

http://auteursnotebook.s3.amazonaws.com/multiple%20images/NYFF08/the_wrestler.jpg

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mctswnrmOr1rayeajo1_r1_500.jpg

http://th00.deviantart.net/fs10/PRE/i/2006/081/d/a/Munkaspeni__s_Big_fat_Jesus_by_Munkaspeni.jpg

http://media.screened.com/uploads/0/5735/454351-20110331201648.jpg

Simply from all that walking around dude was most definitely in pretty decent shape. If you take it that he spent some years in Tibet chillin w Zen masters, fasting and meditating etc., yeah he was probably pretty lean.

u r thinking of Richard gere
yeah he's pretty fit

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9v4so7ZW11qi25mlo1_400.jpg

He was probably fit from work and walking and also from relative health and simplicty of diet. He died at 33. I shall guess 150 pounds or so, assuming he was more or less the same size as most of his contemporaries.

yeah but ppl were seemingly like 5' tall then, so 150lbs would have been relatively sw0le

q: does the bible mention ANYTHING about the P90X, insanity workouts, or the bowflex? feel like we are talking in circles without this information

bc i mean, i know theres heavy rocks and yoga and pushups and shit but rly without modern exercise equipment and a GNC on every corner, how could a common laborer like jesus ever expect to be sw0le?

a: there are none of those things, jesus is a PUSSY

it doesnt SEEM to but, no offence m8, u probably dont have high lev aramaic / crypto-analysis / esoteric xtianity skills

im 1/16th aramaic on my mother's side, FUCK YOU

http://i.imgur.com/3xmGN.gif

DOUBLE BREAKING NEWS - Ancient Photo Found - Jesus is in Ancient Photo:

Judea - An ancient photo was discovered today showing Jesus of Nazareth, famed savior, in the minutes after he raised Lazarus from the dead. "I estimate that the photo is worth at least $25,000 - possibly more", said a local antique dealer.

http://i48.tinypic.com/2emiekl.jpg

From that photo I estimate that Jesus weighs about 170 pounds

iirc, the J narrative does have at least one mention of a 'bowe flexe'

thirty-three, lived with his mother, comic-book guy is what i'm seeing here

ZS im p sure that is gordon lightfoot in the hobbit 2
NO SPOILERS, ASSHOLE

harold bloom explicates in Pump Up the Sacred Truths: P90X and Belief from the Bible to the Present.

http://i.imgur.com/z06DE.jpg

i have seen this partic production of jesus christ superstar fyi

http://www.liffeyrivers.com/blog.html/images/92.jpg

harold bloom lookin more and more like the kinda guy where you'd move to another car to avoid him on the subway

he writes about what he aspires to be

jesus said, 'i am- this is the truth- way light.'

(in the king james edition he says, i weigh light.)

give us this bread,
this daily bread,
and remove all the crust please

thou art peter and upon this rock i will model my abs.

love thine anchovies

Apostle Milk

Pontius Pilates (too obvious)

he turned the water into kale

More like how much did Jesus smoke

http://d1ezg6ep0f8pmf.cloudfront.net/images/slides/a1/2811-arian-baptistery-ravenna-baptism-christ-detail.jpg

(5th-century Jesus courtesy of my girlfriend who used to study this stuff)

jesus 4:20
"and i said to my followers, 'smoke weed every day!' which was totally unnecessary because they were already doing that anyway."

OK so thanks to this thread I am now being shown medieval pictures of Jesus lactating blood.

despite the fact that it is a slang word for semen or jizz. jesus milk is not used as a describing word or a noun. It is used as an exclamation to vent anger or frustration

http://i.imgur.com/5KOWAcP.jpg?1

via ned

I mean REALLY.

no one did the "so heavy not even he could move it" bit?

I hope he was svelte because big moobs like the ones in the picture would probably make crucifixion that much more uncomfortable.

http://www.chacha.com/question/how-much-does-iron-man's-suit-weigh-in-the-movie

http://www.burnt-offering-secrets.info/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BuZamufWAs

and he's really light too!

The statue, known as Jesús de la Merced, is paraded through the streets of the capital ahead of Easter in centuries-old traditions brought in by former colonial power Spain.

Orlando Aguilar, the parish priest in the neighbourhood church where the statue is kept, said in a Christmas Eve mass that on 3 January the statue would be promoted to the rank of general in the Guatemalan army.

Great thread

nicodemus brought 75-100 pounds of embalming ointment to use on jesus according to john 19:39

traditional jewish practice forbids embalming but did make exceptions and this is where things get confusing as there are a couple theories

some say the amount of ointment used was half of a body's weight, making jesus anywhere from 150-200 pounds

while another theory states that the more highly regarded the person, the more materials they used, which would nullify the above

just throwing that out there

I think this question was authoritatively answered upthread

Heaviest dick in galilee

Jon Hamm is often considered quite a wooden actor, but apparently one with more wood than jesus!