In every Peter Travers movie review ever

1. An attempt at a defense, even if the flick is a total dog.
2. Loads of shopworn equivocation.
3. Rhetorical psychopathy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmYrWXhFf4c

4. "[XX actor] digs deep, delivering a performance full of raw emotion and terrible anger"

5. "it's not perfect/prudes will hate this/it doesn't play by the rules. No matter."

6. rollercoaster rides

7. Invocation of Rebel and/or Rock'n'Roll spirit.

8. Unpleasant sexual metaphors used in negative reviews.

9. "Fuck-me pumps"

10. The word "Pap", usually prefaced by the words "Hollywood", "Formula", "Commercial", "Producer" or some combination of previous.

"(X) uncovers/conveys/shows us the bruised heart at the core of blah blah blah"

12. "In a summer full of pretenders to the action-movie throne, '[title here]' is the real deal."

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22bruised+heart%22+%22peter+travers%22&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

lol @ "fuck-me pumps" too, this guy is so ludicrous.

13. "This isn't your mother's [x]"

14. "No one dares like..."

peter who?

Rolling Stone's movie reviewer

15. (companion to 11) "Secret Heart"

Gene Wilder put a blunt comic edge on Wonka in the underrated 1971 musical version. But Depp goes deeper to find the bruises on Wonka's secret heart. Hint: Wonka's dad (the fab Christopher Lee) was a dentist. Depp and Burton fly too high on the vapors of pure imagination. But it's hard to not get hooked on something this tasty.

^^16. WTF? drug references in positive reviews.

*snorts deeply*

Number Ones and other Numbers From Travers’ Top Tens:

1997: Titanic

(from wikipedia)

now i know why i never heard of him

"In a summer full of pretenders to the action-movie throne, '[title here]' is the real deal."

Invariably repeated at least four or five times throughout the summer.

God I hate this guy

Depp and Burton fly too high on the vapors of pure imagination. But it's hard to not get hooked on something this tasty.

this is like the essence of this dude's shtick -- he concedes that something kind of sucks and then suddenly turns its awfulness into a virtue.

You may think Reality Bites is just a bunch of white kids sitting around whining. If so, what's your glitch? It's also pure entertainment.

(the excellent Winona Ryder)

May have to start using "If so, what's your glitch? It's also pure entertainment".

Haha

17(?) Wenner-esque automatic 3 1/4-4 stars for anything Scorsese/Cronenberg/Coen

18. ...restores your faith in the harsh power/art/magic of movies.
19. Somewhat quick (usually around awards season) negative turnaround on a film he's praised.

His new 12 Years A Slave review plays like his greatest hits of cliches, hitting pretty much every point in this thread.

20. "So and so gets you drunk on movies"...which I assume is the 'happy' kind of drunk as opposed to the kind involving (but not limited to) falling off a balcony, throwing up on your date or wrapping your car around a utility pole.

owen gleiberman (sp?) is worse than this dude

American Hustle is the sort of movie that kills your brain cells while you disappoint your sex partner.

Tank warfare in the final days of World War II sounds like primo escapism for action freaks. Fury, written and directed with exacting skill and aching heart by David Ayer (End of Watch), doesn't let us off easy with vid-game violence. Ayer thrusts us into the furnace of the Fury, a Sherman tank commanded by Don "Wardaddy" Collier (Brad Pitt), until we feel as battered as the crew.

In their years with Sgt. Wardaddy, gunner Boyd Swan (an outstanding Shia LaBeouf), loader Grady Travis (Jon Bernthal) and driver Trini Garcia (Michael Peña) have tilted their moral compass to view murder as different from killing the enemy. They don't even see the blood on their hands until the arrival of Norman Ellison (Logan Lerman), a rookie driver unprepared for combat. Norman's horror and disgust are a cracked mirror for the crew, until Norman hardens just like his band of brothers. Ayer captures the buried feelings of men in combat with piercing immediacy. Pitt is tremendous in the role, a conscience detectable even in Wardaddy's blinkered gaze. But it's Lerman who anchors the film with a shattering, unforgettable portrayal of corrupted innocence. Fury means to grab us hard from the first scene and never let go. Mission accomplished. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/war/saluting-us-flag.gif

Norman hardens just like his band of brothers

an outstanding Shia LaBeouf

Which reads as if he's applauding either the exotic dish he just enjoyed or the bowel movement that followed.

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/longtime-rolling-stone-film-critic-812125

jeez how did "colors that pop like a whore's lip gloss" not make it into the clichés list above, it's in at least 4 of his reviews

you know what LBJ said: "If I've lost Peter Travers..."