Taking sides: Steven Seagal vs. Chuck Norris

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I have never seen a film starring either of these men. Who should I give the time of day to?

― , Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Because Under Siege is one of the best films ever made. How could a mumbling ships cook defeat an entire posse of heavily armed bad guys, with only the help of a stripper and the catering core?...well, hmmm, no it's good.

― jel, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I love the scene in 'Missing in Action' where Chuck is tortured by being stuck in a bag with a live rat, and he bites the rat's head off.

― dave q, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Seagal = Classic. I can't decide what I love more about Steven, his pony tail, his pomposity, his increasing girth, his hushed delivery ... I could continue but you get the picture. Without doubt the most ridiculous and unlikey movie star of the modern age and for this I salute him.

For the uninitiated, check him out in "On Deadly Ground" (starred, written, produced, probably directed by our hero). Equally the best and worst movie ever made.

― Disco Dave, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Chuck NOrris is only good when Bruce Lee kicks the crap out of him. Seagal is a bona fide lama and a cinematic genius too. I second Disco's comments about On Deadly Ground and should point out a terrific turn from Michael Caine in this film. He just can't be arsed from his second scene on. For a true Seagal treat though check out Fire Down Below where Steven displays his musical talents as well as his butt kicking ones.

― Jonnie, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I SAWN a Chux0r Norris film once. He frowned manfully, & blew up lots ov folks from the middle-east. It was bloody rubbish. C.Norris directed by J.L.Godard, I might acktually watch, but otherwise I'd say avoid w/dispatch (or something...). Shannon Tweed = far better bet if brain-meltingly bad k-trashy acktor is what yer after. I've never seen steven seagal film, so can't comment thusly.

x0x0

― Norman Fay, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

CN and SS are both a v.funny shape. if actually humanZoR

― mark s, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Lone Wolf McQuade rocks.

― Michael Bourke, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Where's the love for my man Jean CLaude?

― tOM p, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Whats the name of that film with Stevie Seagal and DMX? It's cool, coz Steve has to do to anger management classes, and the desk is too small for him so he trashes it.

― jel, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Anyone see Chuck's info-mercials?

― David, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Jel: It's called "Exit Wounds"

David: Yeah, once too many.

― Michael Bourke, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The way Seagal is always cranking necks and breaking people's joints is pretty cool; it's almost like real submission fighting. Norris is not very convincing as an ass-kicker; he's always smirking when he's supposed to be in peril, plus he moves like Bruce Lee fighting in quicksand. Plus my grandma thinks he's the ugliest man on earth. Peak value: Seagal, but for career value it's clearly Chuck. Seagal search: "Under Siege", "Above the Law", "Hard to Kill". Norris search: "Invasion USA", "Missing in Action", "Game of Death" (even though his role is completely marginal).

― Kris, Monday, 13 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

As I figured, Kris brings some sanity to this question, and not a moment too soon. ;-) So here's my question -- _The Octagon_. The _Scarface_ of its field? Or the _Showgirls_?

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 14 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ned, 'Showgirls' was completely classic, what are you saying?

― dave q, Tuesday, 14 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

What are YOU saying, The Octagon isn't? Those voiceovers!

― Kris, Tuesday, 14 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Chuck Norris is ass. Steven Seagal looks like an old fat man who wears gold chains, therefore classic.

― Ally, Tuesday, 14 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Steven Seagal can act??

― Scott, Tuesday, 14 August 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

two months pass...

i want Steven acting more cool and good aikido.....i loved all movies Steven seagal but i prefer to marked for death,hard to kill,undersiege 2 and exit wounds.....and steven good meditation,martial arts and Buddhisme temple,.... i think.....all style,character,....perfect guy!!! and i loved him.... i hope soo,....Steven come my country (Indonesia/jakarta)!!!

thank's jeklien seagal/Indonesia/jakarta

― jeklien seagal, Saturday, 20 October 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Chuck Norris is revolting. Steven Segal is fantastic and stylish (despite having got a bit pudgy once or twice).

― toraneko, Saturday, 20 October 2001 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

two months pass...

Chuck Norris in his prime was a very good fighter...You had o be if you sparred with Bruce Lee...as for movies...im not a fan of either...chuck was better in return of the dragon...under siege is the best segal...Van Dame...is just a ballerina (literally he did ballet!)...Jackie Chan is a great choreographer...jet Li's fast but not as fast as Bruce Lee...

― J.Wilkinson, Wednesday, 26 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

one month passes...

I think this people who wrote this stuiped stuff about Chuck Norris & Steven Seagal.Chuck Norris is the number one action hero of all time he is the best. Chuck Norris is a Seven Times World Karate Champion. I can't say that Bruce Lee can bet Chuck Norris or Chuck Norris can bet Bruce Lee. Why? Will because like Chuck Norris said on David Letterman Bruce Lee is not here to Defined himself. But Chuck Norris can bet anyone. He is a smart guy. He never sayes I can bet (Van Damme,Steven Seagal,Sylvester Stallone,Arnold Schwarzengger) unless they want it. And Chuck Norris's oponion it has to be done in the Ring. So people stop it please writing stuiped stuff. Chuck Norris is the best. He is the number one of all time in (Martial Arts) specail in his late 60's & 70's. But like Chuck Norris said at age 61, he feel's like in his 30's. He does look like 30 years old. He is in the best shape. Don't look at his age or tall or short he is like a superstar. He is the new Jackie Chan. So people take my advice Chuck Norris is best. If any questions please send me any E-mail at (hayescooper@hotmail.com) P.S Chuck Norris is also the star of "Walker Texas Ranger"

― Hamza, Tuesday, 19 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Best damn post in ages. And that PS is beautiful in its simplicity.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 19 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Chuck Norris is a great martial artist and was a champion in point fighting karate. His real life martial arts accomplishments are great and continue on with numerous programs. His acting may not be the best, but he is entertaining, and that is the goal of movies and TV programs. From what I've seen and heard, he is a nice guy as well.

Steven Segal is a legit 7th Dan in Aikido and his martial arts accomplishments are pretty impressive as well; actually ran an Aikido Dojo in Japan, which is a pretty fair accomplishment in itself! His acting is not the best, but again, he is entertaining and lots of people pay their good money to see him. He has to fight a weight problem, but he is not the only American with that problem. He has campioned several good causes and keeps out of troble in his private life.

Now here is some advice. If you don't like Chuck Norris or Steven segal, don't go see their movies. If you do enjoy them, then go see their movies. Either way, they are both good martial artist and successful actors!

Bud White

― Buddy White, Thursday, 21 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

HI ITS CHESTER...WOW CHUCK NORRIS MAN he ROCKS AND FUCKS ASS OVER ANY Of the kung fu-tang fighter/actor's in of of cinematic history...his high kicks and spin kicks through glass and hitting people in the head...using what ever he can...he could kick somebody's ass with a blade of grass if he had to..he could make a milkshake out of worm guts and weed killer thats how cool chucks always doing things like that he's my hero..im acturally writting a screenplay which im going to get chuck to try star in...ive going too find his electronic mail and send him my offer and the copy of the scrip..FOR these of you who are curious as to the content and story of my movie scrip/screenplay i will give some of the highlights in the MOVIE... it starts out as chuck the wondering man..he wonders the world searching for truth..hope...justice...he is a sad and very lonley man..his family where drowned by his enemy the doaple gonger..an evil man who onley gives rats ass about 1.money 2.loose woman 3.gold 4.taking photos to blackmail people..i mean this guy is probebley the most evil villian in cinematic history..because i added in the extra element of evil by making his charecter kill his mother to a shark he keeps in a tank in his headquarters...i mean he's a real evil git..Well chuck gets onto where this guys at the dople gonger...he goes to his home kills has shark to feed some poor kids..when he see's the his evil nemesis's mother in the sharks stomoch thats the last staw the end is a fight to death..lots of blood high kicks fly kicks through SOLID GLASS WINDOWS...THATS RIGHT STUNTS AND DAREING AS THAT...thats what you will see in my movie...well peace out...and chuck if you read this please e mail me for a copy of the scrip and we will trade phone numbers..do lunch..ok i gotta go ok mum wants to use the net...

― CHESTER, Sunday, 24 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

That's awesome. Best screenplay proposal I ever heard was from a half- drunk New Orleanian cab driver. It was called "Pit Bull" and took place in a post-apocalyptic wasteland America dominated by a roving pack of feral pit bulls. "Like 50,000 of them, you know, man?" said the cab driver. "Can you imagine?" I gave him a HUGE tip.

― adam, Sunday, 24 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Mainly because I was afraid he was going to kill me.

― adam, Sunday, 24 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

two months pass...

i like chuck cause i think he is really hot. i would like to feel his facial hair rub all over my body and i would love to be able to play with him, and not to mention hes a lot smaller than i am so icould dominate him unlike i could steven. god i hope we can get together.

― paul rielly richards, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

You've got to hope Chuck is a self-googler.

― Andrew L, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Nick if you're still looking for hot Seagal/Norris action, this is what you must remember. Any Steven Seagal movie in which can you place the phrase "Steven Seagal IS..." in front of the title is a winner. For instance, "Steven Seagal IS.. Under Seige." or "Steven Seagal IS... On Deadly Ground." Those would be good. But "Exit Wounds"? The formula says no.

― Tracer hand, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Supposedly, Seagal is one horny dude. I heard he likes to grope the females on the set. I also heard that he and the Dalai Lama are buds. Like many great men, he is a walking contradiction. I don't think Norris could kick his ass anymore. Now, Chuck sells some workout machine with Christie Brinkley on infomercials. Then again, Chuck is one ripped old man, and Steven carries a gut around. It would be a good fight. Aikido vs. karate. I'd say the first best shot/grapple/hold/maneuver would determine the winner. They both would kill Jean-Claude Van Damme in a real fight. Remember when Chuck Zito kicked Van Damme's ass at Scores? I think Zito would whip 'em all.

― bryan, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Alas, it would seem that Seagal has been forced to retire from movies due to his spiritual needs. His guru has said that it goes somewhat against the rub of being a lama to make kick-ass action films. His business partner, Mr Nasso, is appalled. So am I,given that one of his upcoming projects was going to be playing GHENGIS FUCKING KHAN!

― Jonnie, Friday, 26 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Sorry, I meant to say BOB GHENGHIS FUCKING KHAN.

― Jonnie, Friday, 26 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

three months pass...

Norris tries to kick Seagal...Seagal uses his aikido to step to the side and counter the kick, and he snaps his leg in the process. and that's the end of fight people. doesn't mean you have to like it.

― UrbanChampion, Wednesday, 21 August 2002 13:18 (twenty-three years ago)

BOB GHENGHIS KHAN!!! Ha!!

fuck, i laughed really hard for ages after i first heard that. still makes me chuckle.

― g-kit (g-kit), Wednesday, 21 August 2002 14:20 (twenty-three years ago)

Important that this thread stay alive forever and ever.

― Frank Kogan (Frank Kogan), Wednesday, 21 August 2002 19:34 (twenty-three years ago)

Wasn't there some weird story about Seagal's ties to the mob recently?

― Kris (aqueduct), Wednesday, 21 August 2002 19:45 (twenty-three years ago)

y'all seem to have passed over stevo's contribution to music.

[uh-oh, should this be on ILM?]

http://members.aol.com/LB32258/saris2.jpg

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 21 August 2002 20:48 (twenty-three years ago)

Kris there was a Spy magazine expose several years ago. Spy said Seagal hired a hitman to off an acquaintance (wife? business partner? can't remember)... he sued them over it but dropped the case eventually... so THAT's how the master assassins do their dirty work....

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 21 August 2002 22:33 (twenty-three years ago)

Walker: Texas Ranger = high comedic value with or without the irony

― Miss Laura, Thursday, 22 August 2002 07:42 (twenty-three years ago)

Steven Seagal is a legend. I wonder why he chubbed up for a while there though?

― toraneko (toraneko), Thursday, 22 August 2002 12:46 (twenty-three years ago)

six months pass...

Since in 1992 i loved Steven Seagal and Chuck Noriss,because i like acting aikido,jujitsu and very fast.and i always support Steven and Chuck Noriis.

Please come my country/Indonesia
Cheers,Jeklien/Indonesia

― jeklien, Thursday, 6 March 2003 07:08 (twenty-three years ago)

in the searing light of this thread's genius I am born anew.

― g.cannon (gcannon), Thursday, 6 March 2003 07:16 (twenty-three years ago)

four months pass...

Coming soon to a video rental store near you is the latest (and i from what i hear greatest - at least since the astonishing On Deadly Ground) Seagal masterwork. Yes, the ponytailed whale is back on form and whats more, its called Out For a Kill which is either the best or worst movie title ever.

Are you as excited as me?

― David_X (David_X), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:33 (twenty-two years ago)

one year passes...

Chuck Norris!

― £j, Thursday, 9 June 2005 13:33 (twenty years ago)

This thread is missing some serious Steven Seagal haiku action.

― Earl Nash (earlnash), Thursday, 9 June 2005 13:51 (twenty years ago)

on deadly ground, see
that's where I kill enemies
Break necks, like this: *snap*

― Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) (Gear!), Thursday, 9 June 2005 14:20 (twenty years ago)

Also, I'm surprised no one has pointed out the fact their two (arguably! )best films were ones directed by Andrew Davis in which they both played Chicago cops battling a crime boss played by Henry Silva.

― Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) (Gear!), Thursday, 9 June 2005 14:23 (twenty years ago)

what would you call seagal's acting style? "arch"?

― jones (actual), Thursday, 9 June 2005 14:30 (twenty years ago)

Flaccid.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 9 June 2005 14:31 (twenty years ago)

ten months pass...

I think Seagal was the best action hero from the late 80s to early 90s...Had like 6 Staight top grossing and entertaining as hell action flicks..(when he was the skinny seagal, not the chubby one) I think he could take Chuck when Seagal was skinny maybe not anymore.

― Johnz, Thursday, 20 April 2006 11:50 (twenty years ago)

Steve's old CIA;
or at least he believes it.
Is he off his feed?

― Carl Weathers, Thursday, 20 April 2006 19:19 (twenty years ago)

two months pass...

http://www.ovelhaeletrica.com/imgs/StevenSeagalEmotionChart2.jpg

― mason storm (mason storm), Friday, 14 July 2006 11:02 (nineteen years ago)

Sorry, I meant to say BOB GHENGHIS FUCKING KHAN.
-- Jonnie (jonnienumber...), April 26th, 2002.

lololololol

― teh_kit has 22 friends (g-kit), Friday, 14 July 2006 11:04 (nineteen years ago)

Chester and Hamza are my favourite posters ever.

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Friday, 14 July 2006 11:25 (nineteen years ago)

nine months pass...

There was a restaurant in Glendale that had a big framed picture of Steven Seagal in the front, but I was sad to find that the restaurant had closed.

― Elvis Telecom, Sunday, 29 April 2007 08:13 (nineteen years ago)

Chuck wins this one for me. How do you beat Walker Texas Ranger?? Without him there'd be no "Walker Texas Ranger Lever"! I think he even sang the Walker theme song as well.

― Jack Burton, Monday, 30 April 2007 09:48 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

Dalai Lama's brother disses Seagal.

― Oilyrags, Wednesday, 25 June 2008 21:54 (seventeen years ago)

Seagal kickin' it in Shangri-La records

http://stereogum.com/img/seagal_shangri-la_records.jpg

― will, Wednesday, 25 June 2008 21:58 (seventeen years ago)

five months pass...

Given the state of the conservative movement today, why shouldn't Chuck Norris be a syndicated pundit? I offer this bit for you:

Atheists' National Holiday?
Atheists from England to the West Coast of America are stepping up their efforts this year to make a bigger antagonistic splash on the Christmas scene. From London and Washington, D.C., buses to Colorado billboards, skeptics are skewering religions with little respect to the adherents of the religions.
At the forefront is a group's government-sanctioned posting of a sign by a Nativity scene in the Capitol of Washington state (and now also in Wisconsin and Illinois): "At this season of THE WINTER SOLSTICE may reason prevail. There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell. There is only our natural world. Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds."
I am a patriot, and I believe that atheists are free to believe, speak and post whatever they want. This is America, and that's their First Amendment right. But to do so with harassment and hatred under the guise of free speech is despicable. An anti-religious poster filled with spite is in no way equal to a religious symbol, such as a Nativity scene. Where are the political correctness police when religious followers are the victims?
[...]
Anyone can spew disdain for religion, but is that what America's Founders created our rights for? Just because they post such verbal vomit, does that demonstrate intellectual superiority or the type of moral decency our Founders hoped we would perpetuate?
What profit would there be if I posted a taunt that atheists had no vital part in the founding of our country? As Benjamin Franklin noted in his 1787 pamphlet for those in Europe thinking of relocating to America: "To this may be truly added, that serious religion, under its various denominations, is not only tolerated but respected and practiced. Atheism is unknown there."
What profit would there be if I posted a claim that atheists are un-American because they try to suppress theists' freedom of religion by the false notion of separation of church and state?...

And the choice bit:

What profit would there be if I posted a retort that atheists are igmos because they try to replace Christmas with winter solstice celebrations, which are ancient pagan festivals entrenched in polytheistic religions?
[...]
Finally, what profit would there be if I posted that I agree with my friend Mike Huckabee, who said on his book tour via Fox News that atheists shouldn't be fighting for a holiday in December when they already have a holiday: April Fools' Day (a holiday also grounded in sacred Scripture, "The fool says in his heart, 'There is no god'")?
We all know I would be labeled as an extremist, irrational and a bigot if I posted any of the preceding ideas. Yet atheists do and get away with First Amendment murder...

Oh and there's a nice link where you can d/l the first chapter of his new book, _Black Belt Patriotism_. Enjoy!

― Vault Boy Bobblehead - Drinking (kingfish), Friday, 19 December 2008 16:38 (seventeen years ago)

five years pass...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUaesUh-M3Q

― global tetrahedron, Sunday, 13 July 2014 01:36 (eleven years ago)

one year passes...

I'm gonna take you to the bank. The blood bank.

― i;m thinking about thos Beans (Michael B), Thursday, 10 March 2016 22:58 (ten years ago)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEJMnLZKuVU

― AdamVania (Adam Bruneau), Thursday, 10 March 2016 23:12 (ten years ago)

I worked as an editor on a few episodes of Seagal's tv series where he was running around with cops pretending he was a cop. The guy is a sad, reprehensible a-hole.

― Acid Hose (Capitaine Jay Vee), Friday, 11 March 2016 00:24 (ten years ago)

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