Are You Nice?

also have u ever been the 'nice guy' who 'finishes last' or the 'nice lady' equivalent?

I'm nice on okc but rly fuck u

niceness has never been one of my character traits. i was even less nice in high school / college. amazingly this is the nicest i've probably ever been.

Nice seems to be mainly used a synonym for boring. It's not an aspirational quality.

As a teenager I identified very strongly with this mindset although I had plenty of girlfriends. I was just horrible at processing it when they left me.

These days, I think of myself along the lines of "a bit of a bastard with a heart of gold", so fuck you.

Just be warned folks: this poster uses sarcasm and is often seen joking around. Those easily offended or with no sense of humor are encouraged to leave ILX immediately!!

ime niceness is the affectation of goodness w/out actually being decent

http://www.arjanwrites.com/arjanwrites/images/ladysov_by_themidnightsocia.jpg

on the opposite side, that kind of cultivated meanness that christa miller gets typecasted as is pretty annoying too. like good for u u're a jerk who is secretly very loyal.

I have definitely been the "nice guy who finished last" but that was a perhaps unavoidable side effect of being The Black Guy in a town where a non-insignificant percentage of girls were not trying to fuck with The Black Guy romantically or their parents were forbidding them, which probably doesn't fit very nicely into the snarky box crafted by this thread

I mean, maybe it was my fault that the girl who asked me to prom freshman year was told by her parents that she wasn't taking a goddamned nigger to a dance and I've been unfairly resentful all these years, who knows

Sugar and spice crusting on top. A seething mass of FUCK YOU underneath, and therefore all the more anxious to maintain the sugarcoating.

You sing in the choir you dont even get to consider option 2 djp

voted "fuck u" btw

should be a choice c: used to be a, now b

Dan you're totally nice.

I am nice sometimes.

But I hate a lot of stuff and I think maybe that makes me not very nice a lot of the time even if I'm being outwardly nice.

E I think you just described the human condition

feel like there is some weird anti-reclaiming of the word going on here, i mean it's never been the most celebrated of words, the easiest to reach for compliment that's kind of empty but not harmful. but now there are these reddit or what have you "nice guys" who think they are being respectful to women but end up being kinda creepy and the backlash is focusing on the word not (or as much as) the behaviour.

enbb fwiw from my limited exposure to u on ilx i don't think you're 'nice,' tho u are nice w/out the scare quotes around it

I used to tell people that I was polite rather than nice but then someone pointed out to me how much I swear

I'm pretty nice I think. I'll go a little bit out my way to help people; I'll always try to make them feel at ease; I'll put quite a lot of time into boosting some kid or newbie where I've got some kind of edge or advantage.

But - I'm not really that interested in people, I'm not necessarily doing it out of goodness. If somebody doesn't pick that up and run with it, they can get stuffed. I make a point of remembering grudges, even when I don't really hold them any more. I get all annoyed if niceness isn't reciprocated. I don't phone people to keep up. If somebody actually does properly hack me off (fairly rare) I'll feel no qualms about cutting them off to their face and putting the boot in behind their back. So I dunno, maybe not that nice?

Where I do think I'm genuinely nice is that I'll never put anybody out if I can help it, and I almost never toy with people or be rude for nothing. Mostly all I ask of folk that they leave me alone and make no unsolicited demands of me; I couldn't do that if I went around stepping on toes or asking them to do things they don't want to.

Ugh tldr fuck u

I don't know if I'm nice. I feel like I'm too misanthropic, but people often tell me I'm nice.

I think I'm nice but I probably come off as not-nice a lot because a)sarcasm and b)inside I am usually seething with misdirected rage and self-loathing.

the number of self-described misanthropes who are secretly just disappointed nice people is legion

some "nice" people on here I would not have pegged as "nice"

I am not nice. I am a mean prick whose default facial expression is a glare of barely suppressed homicidal rage. I'm not a grudge-holder, though, 'cause I don't give enough of a fuck about you to remember what you said yesterday or what I thought about it at the time.

frogbs what did u vote for?

I'm fairly nice. I try to be helpful and polite and generally don't lose my temper. I don't really care about any of the hypothetical advantages of not being nice (inspiring intimidation, climbing greasy poles, etc) so i have no incentive to be anything other than pleasant most of the time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfC2iovCzu4

i think buzza is nice

i overheard a girl describe me as 'nice' to her friend once so i think that pretty much seals it

"I try to be helpful and polite and generally don't lose my temper." I think this describes me too. Usually.

The internet doesn't count, right?

frogbs what did u vote for?

both poll options are pretty extreme! i'd say i'm kinda on that George Costanza level

if i were nicer i might've included a pathetic hedging middle option however

i did give a dude I barely knew (the brother of a dude I knew) $500 in order to bail him out of jail because he was going to lose custody of his daughter otherwise, then considered paying someone the same amount to break his kneecaps when he wouldn't pay me back. so I suppose my niceness level rests somewhere between "little bitch" and "pretty fuckin stupid"

i'm lovely

loverly

i am nice in the sense that i am very polite and don't really have it out for anyone else.

on the other side, if you are a stranger and try to chat me up i will shut that down pretty quick. i dont really celebrate other people's successes. i dont like to share food.

(i think a lot of that comes from being youngest in a big family)

should be a choice c: used to be a, now b

― Stranded In the Jungle Groove (James Redd and the Blecchs), Tuesday, February 26, 2013 9:48 AM

^^^ this

Voted nice, but I'm getting less nice every year. My default setting is nice but I have moments where "fuck you" just boils out of me like lava.

Im nice but ive no time for anyone doesnt directly entertain or amuse me

To a fault, in that I can't handle or tolerate confrontation or people being upset with me

I'm nice, in the 'ie finish last' romanting category. You could lay a Cars soundtrack over my teen/20's years.
And I'm nice in the unscare quotes way bcz I hate confrontation and I'm too polite for my own good. But fuck you anyway :)

"not being nice" is something I have trouble even processing, and that probably makes me a bit of a cock in a lot of people's eyes.

the gis results for nice wo/man are instructive

http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-108377909/stock-photo-closeup-of-a-nice-man-wearing-a-red-t-shirt-and-sunglasses-the-guy-is-posing-with-a-mysterious.html
http://www.123rf.com/photo_8904039_an-image-of-nice-woman-holding-red-apple.html

i think i'm nice. being nice has always worked ok for me.

Nice v little to do with confrontation imo, i avoid confrontation cos cunts arent worth hassle

but i mean what's 'nice'

my family was selfish horrible people in nice guy central. i tried to be a nice guy but selfish horrible person caught up to me. now i don't think about 'nice' per se, i think of things to do or say that will further my master plan of not being totally isolated from everyone. strategic selfishness.

nice, aloof, secretly hate everyone. for mental health: 'the vices of the crowd are not hateful but ridiculous and one should not weep but (discreetly) laugh at them'.

i was trying to think which was the last US president who wasn't nice and it isn't until you hit Nixon/LBJ that you get these mean dudes.

honestly, that is not a quote I would expect from a book titled Anal Pleasure and Health

I want to forward it to my wife but

idk that quote was p freudian

"fuck u" -- i'm pretty good on here nad on the internet, but people who know me irl would be split on this question. although most ppl would probably say nice, i know some would say no. or at least not all of the time.

there's a jumbled answer for you

fuck u, to everyone on ilx, and everyone in life, tho

I use the word Nice (capital N) to describe adults who still act like good boys and girls. Such people are often highly intuitive, but they use their sensitivity mostly for the purpose of discerning what's expected of them. They have a profound need to be liked and will violate, if necessary, their own integrity for even the possibility of love and affection. Ironically, they usually are accepted and well-liked, but they're not satisfied because they know they've withheld important dimensions of their true selves...

Nice People operate on the basis of one central conviction: The only way to get what I need, or to avoid trouble, is to not upset anyone. They're usually very good at getting what they want without asking for it, but there's always something missing. Spontaneity is difficult since each interpersonal exchange is, in a sense, a performance. Keeping up the image requires constant vigilance, since all "bad" qualities-such as anger, selfishness, or competitiveness-must either be squelched, denied, or re-channeled in such a way that they at least appear nice.
I've deliberately presented a somewhat exaggerated characterization. But in it you may be able to see aspects of yourself.

this definitely resonates w/me.

If that is what Nice is, then I am not Nice.

It's irritating to me when people assume that having a pleasant demeanor and being subversive are incompatible. I didn't grow up being told that I had to be nice (or "nice" or Nice or subservient or w/e), but I do think that treating people in a nice way helps to achieve one's goals. It seems to be a decent way to navigate through the endless stream of assholes this planet has produced.

So yes, I am nice, but do not step on me. People's reactions to this question are even weirder than that thread asking "do you think you're sexy".

xp Me, too, to an extent but it also seems to be equating "Nice people" with sociopaths with the whole "every interpersonal exchange is a performance" with something real missing. It also begs the question of why people act that way. I mean, sure, some people are just sociopaths but speaking for myself, keeping everyone happy and squelching bad feelings was a key coping mechanism (I almost said "survival tactic" but that's a little too melodramatic; however I think for some people that would be very accurate) and something I had to very consciously unlearn when it ceased to be useful.

I also agree with LL: "It seems to be a decent way to navigate through the endless stream of assholes this planet has produced."

do you guys know anyone who has actually gotten ahead by being mean and unpleasant?

i think i know people who have gotten ahead *despite* being mean and unpleasant and plenty who are sort of stuck at a certain level bc they're dbags whom no one wants to work with.

of course there are plenty of incredible pieces of shit in positions of extreme power; i feel like at a certain point there's a particular ambition and desire for status that takes over and lots of 'nice' people simply don't have that for whatever reason.

I know plenty of people whose success is due, in no small part, to being ruthless, cynical and willing to exploit others, so yeah. It doesn't necessarily manifest as transparent unpleasantness on the surface but it's not far underneath.

would it be too tough to trick these people into revealing their true nature in a career-damaging way? of course a nice person would never do that to them.

do you guys know anyone who has actually gotten ahead by being mean and unpleasant?

~lawyer joke~

But yes, many people who have reached p. much the pinacle of success in their chosen legal career trajectory are openly mean and unpleasant.

for every scalia, there's a ruth bader niceberg i hope.

the only people i see at the upper end of large organisations are utter assholes, but they have the sense only to be utter assholes to people below them on the hierarchy

would it be too tough to trick these people into revealing their true nature in a career-damaging way? of course a nice person would never do that to them.

This rather assumes that their bosses aren't worse, tbh. The director of my unit at work is appalling but nowhere near as terrible a person as her own manager. I don't know whether it's a question of individual drive spilling over into a kind of aggressive mentality that sees everything as a competition or whether it's ingrained in the system that, after a certain point, you have to see people as dehumanised productive units who need every last drop squeezed out of them before being discarded but it's horribly common in the corporate sector.

do you guys know anyone who has actually gotten ahead by being mean and unpleasant?

I could name at least 50 people, yes.

is it awkward to meet these people outside of work and find that they're actually nice? or consummate bastards they are all?

I've had people be my Best Friend to my face and then be complete dickholes on the administrative end, I'm calling my lawyer etc. On one hand it's like "fuck you for being so NICE at dude's wedding" but on the other hand, in my experience, most successful dickholes approach life from a mama or papa grizzly perspective, not outright nihilism. If you're on the right team then yay for you. Otherwise, well, you have to respect these lawyers/secretaries/security guards/tax consultants/movie producers for protecting their interests and those of their clients, no?

The most negative not nice people I've met on a social level have been true believers and actualizers of progressive kindness who mostly feel let down by their fellow man

That Anal Health speil is pretty cool, nice writes, nice little re-plating you did of Randian philosophy you did there, very nice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyIneLnxuNg

I'm nice in a way that includes only the most flattering collection of qualities that are at least some times associated with any definition of niceness.

The most negative not nice people I've met on a social level have been true believers and actualizers of progressive kindness who mostly feel let down by their fellow man

― i hold the kwok and you hold the kee (flamboyant goon tie included), Wednesday, February 27, 2013 4:32 PM (28 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

hehe otm

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

That Anal Health speil is pretty cool, nice writes, nice little re-plating you did of Randian philosophy you did there, very nice

― i hold the kwok and you hold the kee (flamboyant goon tie included), Wednesday, February 27, 2013 9:35 PM

Haha fair enough, it's on that spectrum. Probably a false dichotomy to have
Nice Manipulative Doormat ---------------------------- Fuck You Got Mine
as the spectrum, I don't even believe that's the case, this is just a bunch of weird Mormon baggage treaclin' out, I mean yuck. It did tale a lot of...anal sex guide books? feminist '70s workplace assertiveness guidebooks I found at the public library? safe practice firmness with aggressive cell phone kiosk employees? to get a different view that I can still be ""NICe"" and also have boundaries
LL is right I could give you a right honest assessment of my looks totally comfortably ("grown up Campbell's Soup Kid") but this is really turning me into a pyschodramatic fondue pot
vague man

Anyway on the X guys finish X thing the only winning move is not to play

Most of that book is about looking at your butthole in a mirror anyway

Maybe it is an Ayn Rand thing

Atlas Winked

i've little to say about anal health (pro!) or mormonism (whatever!) but i am a big fan of abbotry/crabbitism

if it's cool for you then that's cool imo

Wasn't directing any crit of the book itself at you, Crabbits! The quote you posted, it nails that aggressive parenting = good little grownup thing perfectly. Jack Morin got my number.

I probably said to myself when I was younger "why don't people like me when I try so hard to be nice" (read: desperate avoidance of saying anything controversial or indeed anything at all in face-to-face conversations) but as I get older I realise that I am and probably always have been bitter, crotchety and prone to really inappropriate bursts of anger or at least theatrical stage whispers to anyone I'm with whenever I feel I've been wronged (which is quite often, as anyone who's clicked on the IA thread will know).

So, no.

I would still like to be nice, or at least be capable of being nice but also capable of being sassy instead, which is where I guess I differ from the "fuck u" poll option

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

victory for the SB system

"fuck u" dudes are probably all softies inside like those fiercesome dinosaurs that turn out to be vegetarians or Harlan Ellison.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfyjhwlInDw

fuck u

Noice.

I reckon im nicer than many of the people i see going on about niceness

Oh shut up you’re definitely nice.

Whewww it is wild to re-read that Jack Morin moment seven years on. I am Nice, as he describes, for sure, and it's been largely a shitty thing to be. "Denying yourself the right to be angry is dangerous," said my therapist, once, "unresolved anger just turns into anxiety and self-hatred."

Most of the indisputably evil people I've met in my life LOVE to talk about how nice it is to be nice, Nice People Rule etc. I don't want people to be nice to me, I want people to be truthful, constructive, and communicative. I want people to be good to me, not nice to me.

thats what i said! xp

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_w02yrvWeAM

I strive for kindness, hopefully succeeding more often than not. Probably about a 50/50 split between people who read that as concomitant with Nice and those who fail to recognize how much more of a crank I'd be if I weren't striving for kindness in the face of their unrelenting bullshit.

strangely all the ilxors ive met from Minnesota are in fact nice