thread of TOM SWIFTIES

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or my own definition thereof.

"Why don't we play a board game then?" I countered

"There's nothing wrong with smoking during pregnancy!" Mother fumed

"I suppose you can come in," the bouncer admitted.

"It's not my fault I suffer from strabismus," I said crossly.

"She makes my heart skip a beat," Art murmured.

"I'm afraid this smacks of Orientalism," Edward said.

dat neggy nilmar (wins), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:43 (twelve years ago)

create your own tom swifty

乒乓, Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:44 (twelve years ago)

"What a beautiful country scene!" babbled Brooke.

"Come to think of it," gushed Peter, "she's quite a lively lady, at bottom."

"But I wanted to go on that march!" I protested.

"I'm sick to death of all these free parties!" Mandy raved.

"Turn me back into an ogre at once!" the princess remonstrated.

dat neggy nilmar (wins), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:45 (twelve years ago)

oh balls xp. searched for swifties but not swifty

dat neggy nilmar (wins), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:45 (twelve years ago)

"searched for swifties but not swifty" wins said searchingly

乒乓, Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:47 (twelve years ago)

ah well fuck it, I'm just drunkenly reliving a pleasurable afternoon's facebook, noone has to read this.

"If I were you I'd keep looking over my shoulder from now on," I shot back.

"I'd like to take these cannabis plants through customs, if I may," declared Herb foolishy.

"Let's fuck," suggested Roger.

dat neggy nilmar (wins), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:49 (twelve years ago)

xp haha

dat neggy nilmar (wins), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:49 (twelve years ago)

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Page," he said with a bow.

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Hendrix," he said, lying through his teeth.

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Frampton," he said, speaking technically.

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Bailey," he said freely.

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Gallagher," he said lamely.

"I love the way you play guitar, Mr Fripp," he said, in New Standard Tuning, combining rapid alternate picking with motifs employing whole-tone or diminished pitch structures, continuous cross-picked (and polka-influenced) sixteenth-note patterns for long stretches in a form called moto perpetuo (perpetual motion).

dat neggy nilmar (wins), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:50 (twelve years ago)

"I'm afraid this smacks of Orientalism," Edward said.

nice

ARE YOU HIRING A NANNY OR A SHAMAN (Phil D.), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:50 (twelve years ago)

"And that's the story of how George W. Bush got elected," Chad recounted.

dat neggy nilmar (wins), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:51 (twelve years ago)

Ones my friends came up with that afternoon when we did this:

"My erstwhile mailman should have been here an hour ago," Bob expostulated.

"That bicycle doesn't look safe" spoke Rusty

"I am vertical" he lied.

"I can't be arsed to pick any flowers today" said Tom lackadaisically.

"You're standing all wrong" he postured

"The bridge at Avignon is quite clearly the best in the world!" he pontificated

"These high ranking army officers are all the same" Patton generalised

"Just look at all those football players" he dribbled

"Look at that bird in the pea-green boat" Edward leered

dat neggy nilmar (wins), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:54 (twelve years ago)

^some of my friends didn't quite get the main feature of "my own definition thereof", to wit: the speaker should be a part of the pun wherever possible, rather than defaulting to "Tom"

dat neggy nilmar (wins), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:57 (twelve years ago)

anyway these are the most fun to come up with

dat neggy nilmar (wins), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 19:57 (twelve years ago)

"OK yeah I read dayo's thread and it kicks the shit out of this one", he pwned up

dat neggy nilmar (wins), Wednesday, 6 March 2013 20:09 (twelve years ago)

one year passes...

^I no longer agree with this

"Step on it!" gasped Al

paolo amusing eclectic revivals (wins), Monday, 28 April 2014 19:04 (eleven years ago)

"Yes, back in Saudi Arabia they convicted and penalized me for shoplifting," said Tom offhandedly.

#TweetFromAnUnknownWoman (j.lu), Monday, 28 April 2014 19:14 (eleven years ago)

paolo amusing eclectic revivals (wins), Monday, 28 April 2014 19:15 (eleven years ago)

"Woah, cool car!" she cried

paolo amusing eclectic revivals (wins), Monday, 28 April 2014 19:16 (eleven years ago)

"Iknewyouweretroublewhenyouwalkedin," said Taylor swiftly.

tao lin wolf (unregistered), Monday, 28 April 2014 22:23 (eleven years ago)

"I'm wounded", he said woundedly

paolo amusing eclectic revivals (wins), Monday, 28 April 2014 23:25 (eleven years ago)

(why I'm no good at trad swifties)

paolo amusing eclectic revivals (wins), Monday, 28 April 2014 23:26 (eleven years ago)

"You sure are tying me up nice and tight," he said woundedly

, Monday, 28 April 2014 23:27 (eleven years ago)

"I'm a well-balanced individual," elmer said woundedly

paolo amusing eclectic revivals (wins), Monday, 28 April 2014 23:30 (eleven years ago)

one year passes...

"C'mon, Harry, you have to go out with me," Tom mandated.

scarlett bohansson (unregistered), Monday, 23 November 2015 19:38 (nine years ago)

"I'm my own grandma!" said Tina self-aggrandizingly.

scarlett bohansson (unregistered), Monday, 23 November 2015 19:39 (nine years ago)

"Hey, aren't you the guy who wrote 'Walk the Dinosaur?'"

Don Was.

scarlett bohansson (unregistered), Monday, 23 November 2015 19:42 (nine years ago)

"What would your Pet Shop Boys album be called," Tom said blankly.

aaaaablnnn (abanana), Tuesday, 24 November 2015 02:18 (nine years ago)

"I commented," I commented.

aaaaablnnn (abanana), Tuesday, 24 November 2015 02:22 (nine years ago)

"I can't play guitar," Tom fretted sadly.

aaaaablnnn (abanana), Tuesday, 24 November 2015 02:25 (nine years ago)

"'I am taking the prisoner downstairs,' said Tom condescendingly" is among the best I've ever encountered.

A few more:

"I'd like a small soda," said Tom coquettishly.

"Thank you for letting me borrow your London apartment," said Tom flatulently.

the minor fall, the lemon lift (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 24 November 2015 19:34 (nine years ago)

"Then bake another cake!" Tom retorted.

the minor fall, the lemon lift (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 24 November 2015 19:39 (nine years ago)

"i'm too chicken to do it," Henrisk avers.

drash, Tuesday, 24 November 2015 19:41 (nine years ago)

✓²

noe love derp wev (wins), Tuesday, 24 November 2015 19:46 (nine years ago)

"Why is there a DJ spinning records at the campsite?" asked Tom discontentedly.

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Tuesday, 24 November 2015 21:39 (nine years ago)

"Don't tell anyone, but I am going to pour a flavorful condiment on these pancakes," said Tom surreptitiously.

the minor fall, the lemon lift (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 24 November 2015 23:06 (nine years ago)

"My phone does everything!" he applauded.

"Getting the smartest people in the world all in one place is a thing of the past," thought Tank.

weatheringdaleson, Tuesday, 24 November 2015 23:32 (nine years ago)

"The arctic birds, they gonna fly at you face!" realized Tom, preternaturally.

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Tuesday, 24 November 2015 23:45 (nine years ago)

"Thought tank" = objectively great, I said, ex post facto.

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Tuesday, 24 November 2015 23:47 (nine years ago)

"We shall go camping," I said intently.

"OK, but only if we sleep separately," he said intensely.

"Do what you want, I'm gonna stay with your sister," I said insistently.

noe love derp wev (wins), Tuesday, 24 November 2015 23:53 (nine years ago)

"Yes I'm in the black but I was just winging it." he crowed.

chinavision!, Wednesday, 25 November 2015 00:42 (nine years ago)

"Yes I must admit the gold cache is yours to mine" he proclaimed.

chinavision!, Wednesday, 25 November 2015 00:45 (nine years ago)

"Don't tell me you need me to get the stripped screw out AGAIN" he replied.

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 04:47 (nine years ago)

"That old knight is awfully stingy," Tom surmised.

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 04:48 (nine years ago)

"This stomach workout is so difficult it could blow up a ship and kill its passengers," said Tom, absent-minededly.

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 05:29 (nine years ago)

"I'm not drowning in the longest river in the world" gasped Tom in denial.

ledge, Wednesday, 25 November 2015 09:28 (nine years ago)

"This place is one of the best hotels in Copenhagen, and right by the gardens too," said Tom, ruminatively.

めんどくさかった (Matt #2), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 09:32 (nine years ago)

"Borrowing your dog for the weekend was a mistake," said Tom petulantly.

the minor fall, the lemon lift (Ye Mad Puffin), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 13:25 (nine years ago)

"I think I'm a cranky old man," Tom cogitated.

"I love singing along to these Torme records," said Tom mellifluously.

"Get these food containers onto the ship," said Tom cantankerously.

the minor fall, the lemon lift (Ye Mad Puffin), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 13:29 (nine years ago)

"My mother's sister is sick," said Tom fluently.

the minor fall, the lemon lift (Ye Mad Puffin), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 13:30 (nine years ago)

"What I am saying accords humorously with the manner of my speaking" said Tom swiftly.

"It's the totally tropical taste" sang Tom liltingly.

ledge, Wednesday, 25 November 2015 13:32 (nine years ago)

"every boot is customized to the man," he persueded

chinavision!, Wednesday, 25 November 2015 23:55 (nine years ago)

"The Avengers movies are so good, I'll never watch a Batman movie again!" Tom marvelled.

"Nobody's making you watch—the exit's over there!" Dom pointed out.

"But I spent my last dollar crossing the bridge to get here, and I won't be allowed to leave unless I get another $5," Tom was told.

"Yeah right! You probably jumped off the side to skip the fare," Dom alleged.

nerd shit (Will M.), Thursday, 26 November 2015 00:40 (nine years ago)

"Does my bum look big in this?" Kylie asseverated.

めんどくさかった (Matt #2), Thursday, 26 November 2015 01:09 (nine years ago)

"I hate 8-year-olds," he said benignly.

weatheringdaleson, Thursday, 26 November 2015 02:44 (nine years ago)

"Marshall Mathers is gay! Buy his record!" I said, ad hominem.

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Monday, 30 November 2015 16:56 (nine years ago)

"will you stop blowing patchouli in my face!?" Tom was incensed.

scarlett bohansson (unregistered), Monday, 7 December 2015 02:18 (nine years ago)

"I exercise a lot," Tom intoned.

"Then bake another cake!" Tom retorted.

yo no soy marinara sauce (Ye Mad Puffin), Monday, 7 December 2015 15:29 (nine years ago)

"Your dog is sexy," Tom said huskily.

yo no soy marinara sauce (Ye Mad Puffin), Monday, 7 December 2015 15:30 (nine years ago)

two weeks pass...

"I'm not sure if I should do this, I don't have the right glasses on" said the mohel circumspectly.

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Tuesday, 22 December 2015 03:30 (nine years ago)

"I had some real fun with Mary under these bleachers," he remembered fondly.

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Tuesday, 22 December 2015 04:04 (nine years ago)

"Prizes for our second- and third-place contestants provided by Aleve," announced Johnny, inadvertently jeopardizing himself.

small doug yule carnival club (unregistered), Tuesday, 22 December 2015 22:11 (nine years ago)

"may I have another slice of square sausage?" he asked forlornly

conrad, Friday, 1 January 2016 20:57 (nine years ago)

http://www.sesamomessina.com/spunta.jpg

ledge, Friday, 1 January 2016 21:18 (nine years ago)

six months pass...

"I guess I have to mix flour and butter together," said Tom rouxfully.

takin' care of beersness (Ye Mad Puffin), Saturday, 2 July 2016 10:20 (eight years ago)

Or, I guess,

"You'll wear your roux with a difference," said Ophelia saucily.

takin' care of beersness (Ye Mad Puffin), Saturday, 2 July 2016 10:28 (eight years ago)

one year passes...

not sure if this exactly fits but

Jim responded that he wasn't interested in fried chicken at this time, but he asked that they keep him abreast.

IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Monday, 8 January 2018 21:19 (seven years ago)

"I deserve a knighthood" Dec orated.
"The best baseball team in the country" Phil lies.
"S-sinners!" Abe r-rants.

mahb, Wednesday, 10 January 2018 08:48 (seven years ago)

"This door is fireproof" he attested.
"He is looming" we aver.
"Call me Bo Peep" she purred.

mahb, Wednesday, 10 January 2018 08:49 (seven years ago)

"It would seem that I have won a donkey" she ascertained.

lana del boy (ledge), Wednesday, 10 January 2018 13:15 (seven years ago)

"Thalia certainly is a funny woman," Euterpe mused.

Brave Combover (Dan Peterson), Wednesday, 10 January 2018 17:15 (seven years ago)

"I dropped the toothpaste" he said, crestfallen.

Hans Holbein (Chinchilla Volapük), Wednesday, 10 January 2018 18:22 (seven years ago)

Thanks A LOT for letting me borrow your dog, said Tom, petulently

dunsinane in the membrane (Ye Mad Puffin), Wednesday, 10 January 2018 18:23 (seven years ago)

Damn my original run of posts itt was good

very stabbable gaius (wins), Wednesday, 10 January 2018 18:44 (seven years ago)

"So, Tom, how are the aquatic events going?" "Swimmingly!"

dunsinane in the membrane (Ye Mad Puffin), Wednesday, 10 January 2018 18:47 (seven years ago)

"So you don't like my footwear accessories?" Tom spat.

めんどくさかった (Matt #2), Wednesday, 10 January 2018 19:10 (seven years ago)

"These fish are annoying," Tom carped.

mime kampf (Ye Mad Puffin), Wednesday, 10 January 2018 19:55 (seven years ago)

"I lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ove these cheesy sna-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-acks", Hermione quavered.

lana del boy (ledge), Friday, 12 January 2018 09:28 (seven years ago)


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