steve helmer: the pepys of wal-mart

http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/20508/steve_helmer.html

my first exposure was his review of applebee's bourbon street chicken.

he has also reviewed species and frozen mozzarella stuffed bread sticks and 21 pages' worth of other stuff. and before yall get on me for making fun of poor people or something he endorses payday loan usurers.

anyway here's some sad lols.

The weather was beautiful out earlier this week and, as a result of that, my wife decided it was best to have something lighter for dinner. This ultimately ended up being sandwiches.

Since it was her idea, she was in charge of buying the lunch meat and cheese for the sandwiches and, while at the store, she ended up buying a package of Sargento Natural Blends Provolone-Mozzarella Cheese Slices.

I had seen these in the store before but, mostly because I didn't have a reason to use them, didn't buy them. So, when I saw she picked up a package, I was definitely interested. I love cheese and I like trying different varieties of it so something that combined two of my favorites was definitely going to get my attention. The fact it was from one of my favorite brands also helped.

Is this like that old lady from the Dakotas who reviewed Olive Garden to much internet interest?

i also like this trilogy:

http://voices.yahoo.com/review-ky-yours-mine-kissable-sensations-10956430.html?cat=41
http://voices.yahoo.com/fitting-wifes-modeling-career-into-our-budget-11002770.html?cat=3
http://voices.yahoo.com/how-forgave-wife-cheating-me-11823656.html?cat=41

it's like a million other people all over the internet reviewing a billion other dumb things

no that lady is a professional restaurant critic. this dude is an obsessive cataloguer of frozen food purchases and exurban minutiae.

with a journalism degree

this is the most depressing man in the world. we have found him.

"political issues from an independent voter s perspective" is a pretty solid guarantee I'm going to hate someone.

i can't hate on steve. his flat, affectless prose style is the soothing, smooth newscaster/vivisectionist regionless diction of the internet. he's put thought into this.

A few weeks ago, I met Steve Helmer's wife after meeting her at a BP gas station in Juneau, WI. I had planned on picking up a single Colt Menthol and a case of Pepsi Max. A gas station attendent informed Steve Helmer's wife that she required oil in her 1999 Ford Windstar. I came across her thumbing through her van's manual in the parking lot. The gentleman that I am, I offered to guide her purchase of the motor oil.

My decision to seduce Steve Helmer's wife was based solely on convenience. And, overall, it turned out to be a good decision. She informed me that she had recently found work as a full-time model and I mentioned that I was a professional photographer.

I wasn't really sure what to expect. And, part of me wondered if I had made a mistake. However, she had full lips and what I estimated as a heavy B cup. As far as service goes, I would say it was acceptable. Steve Helmer's wife was very friendly and open to satisfying my varied bedroom proclivities. This is something that, again, isn't always the case. I should point out that she was self-conscious about a pattern of stretchmarks on her lower abdomen, the result of carrying two children to full term. Another possible stumbling block was a strong Wisconsin accent. But I found both flaws endearing.

Due to time constraints, my liason with Steve Helmer's wife was brief. As is often the case, when seducing married women, she was free with her criticisms of her husband. She mentioned a problem with erectile dysfunction and attributed it to his diet of sodium-enriched frozen food and his crushing depression after the loss of his small town newspaper reporter job.

As I said before, overall, this turned out to be a good decision for me. If you are looking to seduce a married woman, Steve Helmer's wife won't let you down. Despite her body image issues, and, frankly, depressing relationship with her husband, which she will bring up after you have fooled around in the bedroom, Steve Helmer's wife is worth the cost of admission.

XD