ILXHacks - The Most Useful Advice You Have Received On ILX Or From ILX0rs

This is from a dream I had last night

[quote]I fell asleep reading the Body Positivity thread, and then I had a dream that La Lechera started a thread that was called "ILXHacks" or something like that, which was just a list thread of all the excellent advice people had received on ILX over the years - and she started it off by saying that the Body Positivity thread had taught her how to wear scarves properly, which she had never really got. And as I was reading this thread (which was great, in my dream) I was thinking of all the little, invaluable bits of advice that *I* had received on ILX over the years and which ones I was going to add to the thread, if they weren't already there.

And I woke up and I was so sad that it wasn't a real thread! And now half want to start to start that very thread. (But half fear ILX meta of that sort often going nasty.)[/quote]

I want this to be a real thread! What advice/tips/lifehacks/whatever that you've read on ILX have proved most useful, enduring or otherwise helpful? If you can remember them, feel free to add the thread or the poster that told you these things.

n.b. this is not a general lifehacks thread, this is specifically for things you learned from ILX (though it's OK to include helpful links to other places that people have posted to ILX.)

1) never date anyone who lists no female artists or authors on their OKC profile (that was In Orbit, I believe?)
2) keep a list of all the books you have read so you don't forget (everybody on I Love Books)
3) if you ever have a wild crush on someone that you can't understand or make sense of, chances are you admire in them something you feel lacking in yourself (Tom Ewing, days of yore)

I'm sure there are lots more but that'll do for now.

does it have to be advice that was specifically given to you?

Nope, it doesn't have to be advice given directly to you; it can be any kind of advice or helpful hints that someone posted and you read on ILX, that you found really useful.

(Most of the best tips I've had on ILX were things told to other people, which I thought "wow, good idea!")

ah that opens it up a bit! (I've had some decent health & dating advice on 77 lately but nobody's ever given me anything as general as a "life-hack")

I'm sure there are examples, but I'm drawing a blank atm

Oh, shit. I didn't think. Probably shouldn't quote or name anything from 77, I guess (I always forget it exists) but it'd probably be fine to mention it and say "from 77" bcz I imagine ppl there want to remain anonymous.

"Life-hacks" is a dumb word/concept, the only reason I called the thread that is because that's what it was called in my dream, and thought it was funny. Any kind of useful bit of advice or tips or aphorisms or whatever.

Sorry, there are definitely serious things that should be added to this thread, but the very first thought I had re: "ilx advice" was this:

An empty cigar tube filled with wasps makes a good vibrator.

Heh, I too am sure there are real srs answers but my first thoughts were

what is this 'real life' you speak of? sounds intriguing.
― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 4 June 2003 23:21 (10 years ago) Permalink

it involves 1 part sunshine, 1 part pants, and 2 parts will to live
― jess (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 4 June 2003 23:23 (10 years ago) Permalink

... It's what makes the Internet wanky because everyone half-brainy who gets online thinks this after six months, "Whoa now I am in a decentered postmodern environment where anonymity is king, I will radically explore online perceptions of the self etc etc." and after another six months you realise your conceptual online art project is actually just you being a dick to people and stop it.
― Tom (Groke), Friday, 26 September 2003 11:02 (10 years ago) Permalink

Hmm, have I not learnt anything in 10 years? Seems possible.

there is no learn only #hacks

I'm schooling yall cuz I noticed Morbius breaking one of the cardinal rules of FACE IS EVERYTHING - NEVER make threats of violence on the internet. it's an unresolvable dilemma, irl if ur the aggressor it automatically earns u the most face, but if involved in internet beef it makes u seem like the bigger nerd and the guy who takes the internet 2 seriously. in other words: u mad!!! here's the rest of the list (taken from another board lol)
never post yr phone number. ever. ever-ever-ever. don't even pm it to ppl, but if u MUST, make sure to say that they should never ever post it publicly.

never post ur full name!
go by nickname if possible

never post how much u paid for ANYTHING. u may post wut u bought, but u should never reveal how much it cost u. this works really well when u post something that is seemingly really, really expensive. also, if someone insists on asking, u should say "don't worry about it" or "u can't afford it" or " it was free. don't ask how, tho; i can't hook u up."

never post where u work, work address, work email, work phone #, salary, work ANYTHING

never, EVER, EVER-EVER-EVER post good news before it's actually happened. for example, never post that ur in the running for "best dressed white girl in osh-kosh b'gosh county." if u do, never make updates on its progress. u should only post something if it's already a done deal. this goes for similar things like big purchases, school applications, job searches, possible vacations , and so on.

never post about ur (fucked up) family, family name, member's names, anything family related

if ur visiting a city, NEVER post it about it publicly. if u do, do not be corny and say "attn: [city] name" or "i'm going to be inside u." contact everyone privately.

ideally, no one should know that u visited until MONTHS later, when u casually mention it in passing. remember how darth vader did a surprise inspection of the death star in star wars? that's how it should be. like a secret, unofficial state dignitary visit.

better yet, u should not tell anyone at all. u should just go, do yr thing, then leave, never to say anything about it for all eternity.

never tell anyone details on yr dating situtation lest u want to be judged like a two-bit toothless ho on jerry springer. as far as everyone is concerned, ur a eunuch or a nun. or both.

also, never admit that ur bisexual or gay (not that either of us are, btw; no homo).

never post about how much your parents make or whut they do for a living
unless you're poor
then u get extra face points

never publicly engage yr friend in a cyber-quarrel, esp if ur of the same race, ethnicity, or (foreign) nationality, and esp if u know each other in person. if u find fault in something he or she has said, then u must engage him/her via private means, as in PM, email, or aim. publicly, it should appear as if u form one united front.

additionally, when a friend insults someone who is not yr friend, u are required to post a "hahaha" at the MINIMUM.

if ur a girl, never post yr height and weight. either no one will believe u or everyone will just think ur fat. in both cases, ppl will just think ur starved for attention.

if someone posts something u don't like, and ur already talking to someone or a bunch of others, feel free to ignore that person. he/she will be left to refresh the thread looking for response, in great frustration.

also, if u happen to be in a planning thread, and someone who isn't involved makes a comment, ignore him/her. bonus face points if u pm ppl and tell them to ignore that person, as well.

actual friends and e-friends should be kept ENTIRELY separate, unless u enjoy worlds colliding or being chided for having internet friends. if u happen to be caught w/ yr e-friends by yr actual friends, u will explain that u met those ppl at compusa or best buy. moreover, u will refer to yr non-internet friends as yr REAL friends, as opposed to e-friends, who don't really exist as far as the outside non-e-world is concerned.

never live w/ someone from the internet. this is a HUGE no-no, and there are very few exceptions. if u do, u must procure:

a) a credit check (at yr expense);
b) proof of income or assets; and
c) a security deposit.

if u are subletting or sub-leasing long-term, make sure to get ALL the money up front, including that for all the bills. otherwise, draw up a contract and have it notarized. standards forms for most states are available on the web. keep yr door locked at all times. ideally, yr internet roomie should have no idea what yr room looks like, AT ALL.

don't ever talk about how broke u are or how u can't afford to pay ur bill(s) bc u too dumb to manage money
and don't ask ppl to paypal u money!!!

if ur asian, and u see a post about the american release of an asian movie, make sure to mention that u already saw it at least 2 years ago, and that youve owned the dvd for at least 6 months. it doesn't matter when the actual movie was produced. nine times out of ten, if ur a proper asian, you'll have already seen all the right asian movies to see, anyway. if anyone asks where to cop the dvd, make sure to send them on a wild goose chase or say that u forgot.

don't dj
don't be a dj
don't even post the word on the internet

matter fact, if ur a dj (don't answer this, btw; that's a no-no) just throw away yr decks right now.

also, if ur planning an event, don't BEG ppl to go relentlessly. they'll think it's really lame. be all "yeah, come if u want. ppl are gonna be there regardless..." and if ppl ask who's gonna be there, say "errybody." if they ask what it's like, tell them "you're just gonna have to see."

after having an e-gathering, don't be the one to post 239712794764 pictures of the party in a thread bc the ppl who were there will hate u for posting it and the ppl who weren't there will hate u for posting it. also, the official computer party historian is secretly thought of as the biggest nerd for taking tons of pics as if he/she were trying to preserve such precious memories. if ur at the party, try not to be in any pictures.

and if u dating someone from the internet don't tell ur irl friends how/where u guys met and don't let ppl online know period. mb after u guys break up then mb it's ok to mention it. no threads should be made specifically about the relationship tho, or it'll blow up in ur face man and hall of shame4u.

also, never talk about yr actual friends on the internet (and vice-versa, for good measure). if u do talk about them, do not mention names. and never, ever, ever-ever-ever post pictures of u partying w/ them. the only case where this rule may be broken is if ur posting pics of yrself from at least 5 yrs ago and u looked radically different.

don't make ur thread title start w/a line from an aim chat and then have a huge 50ft chunk of an aimchat u had w/ur lover/mom/sister/tectetce. for the body. at least edit it or break it up to the funny parts so ppl don't have to drudge thru the crap.

if someone is constantly trying to argue w/ u, do not try and avoid it, deflect it, or play it off. never cop pleas and try to resolve things too early (if at all); that is for the weak-minded and passive, both online and off.

if ur a girl, u must never make yr femininity yr main appeal to other users on the internet. it is taken as a lack of intelligence, wit, and/or cleverness when u act like a cyber-ho in order to gain attention. at best, ppl will run a train on u when u visit their city. if u are in fact very dimwitted and cannot help it, do not do this during the daytime anytime between the hours of 9-5 or so, unless u feel u have a penchant for being ridiculed.

additionally, female users will never reply to sex threads. if they do, it should only be to make a joke or to lampoon those who already have by calling them "fucking sluts" or "trampycakes". even if u are mentioned in such a thread, and a discussion brews in which ppl conjecture about yr sexual practices, u will still avoid replying. ideally, u should never talk about yr sexual history, unless sharing an anecdote, and even then, little if any detail info should be shared. ideally, u would never have clicked on a sex [poll/questionnaire] thread, anyway.

users will also be required to refer to messageboard/chatting/listserving/waleva-waleva as "the game." "the messageboard game" "the game done changed; lotta new jacks tryna do the come up quick style." this also gives rise to a new messageboard e-parlance:

deleting oneself: leaving the game
new to the game: new user, or just haplessly stupid old user
true to the game: seasoned veteran
and so on.

also, try not to show yr emotions (if any) unless ur completely conscious of it. remember james bond in a view to a kill when he bet on max zorin's horse? he knew that horse would win the race since it was drugged. what did he do? he didn't cheer for it or even scream when it won. no one even knew he had bet on it until he told some butler type, "jeeves, will u cash this in for me?" then he just walked away w/ a smirk on his face.

― IN UR BASE KILLING ALL UR DUDES (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, November 29, 2005 8:45 PM (8 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

ya thats classic material %100

ade otm

Names of places to visit in certain cities

Also, crash space at their houses

i wasn't trying to beef with you, i was trying to ... show ILX as a sexist toilet tbh

― imago-er not a show-er (Whiney G. Weingarten), Tuesday, November 12, 2013 5:05 PM (2 months ago)

most recent one to come to mind was the 4-7-8 trick for anxiety attacks. (Inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8). (Though I was not clear on whether it was 'count of 4' or '4 seconds'. I use 'count of four' bc 8 second exhale is too much for me).

I see signs of increasing gentrification on ilx itself with info requests on London restaurants shifting from good basic cheap eateries to private fining rooms

and if u dating someone from the internet don't tell ur irl friends how/where u guys met

I don't get it..? I've been dating internet men since Clinton lied about Monica.

lmao @ the insecure paranoia riven through that whiney repost

i often search for various terms on ilx as and when i need them, i can't think of any offhand but it's amazing how there'll be a thread in the archives on almost any subject you need

haha i'm glad you started this thread because it would be very unlike me to do that!

i'm glad ilm has been here to introduce me to lots of new music but i very specifically remember this moment pleasantly
the music nerd test.

and also it has been a dream come true to have nice people answer my questions about drumming

i guess ilx has taught me the helpful advice of how to ask a question (something i have tried to avoid at all costs most of the time)

asking questions is a key life skill for sure

I am reminded of the sweet British kid in the brony documentary struggling with whether or not to ask a stranger on the street for directions to the con. We are all that fedora'd and hapless sometimes.

paul eater posted a link to a knife skills tutorial that showed me what I'd been doing wrong forever. So many great recipes and ideas in ILCooking, too many to name.

OMG I totally cut the top off of this juice bottle and now it can store my colored pencils there, what do you guys think of my SWEET JUICE BOTTLE HACK.

― elmo argonaut, Thursday, August 30, 2007 4:56 PM (6 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Jaq I am gonna devour that link when I have time, thanks xp

holy shit elmo was way ahead of the #lifehack curve kudos

that post has haunted my thoughts

SWEET JUICE BOTTLE HACK

underrated 70s blaxploitation pic, imo

This invaluable hack first appeared on ilx at least 7 years ago:

When the perforations on a roll of two-ply toilet paper misalign, unroll the topmost ply one turn around the roll, while leaving the bottom ply in place. Now the perforations should align correctly.

Haha, yes, LL, clearly this is the correct and proper ILX way to ask questions: appear in the dreams of another ILX0r and they will ask it! We are helpful even in our sleep(s).

The whole "archives of ILM" thing, though, that is a huge gift. I can't even count the number of times I've heard some track, found out the name of the band, thought "I bet there's a thread on ILM about this" and lo and behold, there are dozens of comments and recommendations and "try this album first", at least some of which will be helpful.

Also, that long Adrian Langston post is hilarious, it is the most helpful of ILX advice ever, in terms of "never, ever do any of these recommended things. Ever."

And Spacecadet's post OTM, even 10 years later.

lol nobody read that whole post surely

among many others, one of the most simple and most useful bits of advice was gr8080 advising me to use tumblr for my gifs a few years ago, rather than my struggling barrylutz.com

Oh, Karl, that reminds me, too. Several ILX0rs recommended I get Spotify. That was a good call, too.

NEVER make threats of violence on the internet. it's an unresolvable dilemma, irl if ur the aggressor it automatically earns u the most face, but if involved in internet beef it makes u seem like the bigger nerd and the guy who takes the internet 2 seriously. in other words: u mad!!!

^^^pre-bill magill advice from ade

that list is classic and most of the not-otm parts still need some consideration

some definitely-problematic bits dotted thruout tbh, mostly when generalising abt women

go on...

anyway, ilxhack? uh i guess

THIS TYPE OF SHIT CAN HAVE IRL CONSEQUENCES

― Wrinklepaws, Wednesday, March 14, 2007 7:47 PM (6 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

tea tree chewing sticks

A few lines of "Private Dancer" removes any other song that gets stuck in your mind.

Green chilli advice, possibly from pplains.

Anybody got any advice on how to get 'Private Dancer' out of your minds?

'tom's diner'

'reminiscing'

A famous rock star once told me that she hated dancing to Appetite for Destruction when she was a stripper because they kept changing the time signatures and it made her feel awkward.

― Arthur, Sunday, October 21, 2001 7:00 PM (12 years ago)

just added that to my howtomakestrippersfeelawkward.xls

hahaha

so that's why you never hear Prog Rock at a strip club

Outside of a Vincent Gallo film, anyway.

the idea of somebody stripping to "Return of the Giant Hogweed" just made me choke on my drink

Since this is supposed to be advice we found personally useful, I look forward to you lads providing a strip-tease for the ladies, to the strains of Welcome To The Jungle and Court of the Crimson King? Excellent! I await the results eagerly.

isn't that ade post from like 4chan or somewhere?

not sure of the source but he states at the beginning that he got it from somewhere else

its prob from something awful

oh of course, what on the internet isn't

ah for the days when everything came from b3ta

it's so hard to find solid advice, i just feel in that case like if i should ever have to strip, i've been wisely prepared. arthur's friend had true insight.

compate to kate's band-dynamics posts, which i would definitely be studying if i ever joined a band.

^ r

It's been 5 minutes! I expected at least one of you in a posing pouch to Cherry Blossom Clinic by now. Dan, your standards are slipping!

Giant Hogweed costume surprisingly hard to sew

:D

The last time I sent strangers naked pictures of myself, I got a very stern talking-to.

dont let the h8rs get you down

ILX taught me everything I know :-/

yo imago, SA predates b3ta or w/e

As a strip club dj, I found the G&R advice useful, also the advice to not be a dj.

Thought this thread was going to be about Adam Bruneau

Real talk: my rolling pedal thread on I make music has shaped my purchasing for the store immensely, and 40% of our store sales last year were pedals, so that.

Also, tom introducing me to the Nipsy Russel recipe has changed many lives in MPLS/STPL, several for the better

i actually have learned valuable information from that rolling pedal thread

I remember meeting Ned in LA in like 2004 at a fap, and mentioning that I was starting to see a girl, but I wasn't sure about her taste in music.

He just said "Lukas ..." and looked stricken.

if it weren't for ILX I'd probably be a terrible person. so thanks everyone!

props to all I Love Style borad frequenters for innumerable tips

carl agatha has dropped some of my favorite knowledge
- those toilet-seat-paper-liner-things work great as blotting paper for face shineyness
- levis 512 best jeans ever

rrobyn put me onto cerave lotion and cetaphil soap & it has helped my rosacea so so much <3

also homo ii for general inspiration re embracing my largeness

i've had good experience with cetaphil antibacterial soap. they make a hand lotion i like too.

the biggest thing i've learned is that getting angry/butthurt at (most) internet-related things is stupid. just walk away.

getting angry/butthurt at most things you encounter in person is probably just as overrated

it's gotta be ALL OR NOTHING

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5b_NLgKW4U

Je55e's post about using oven cleaner on a thoroughly nasty shower/tub was empowering.

Revelatory thread: Why didn't anyone ever tell me...

Rock Hardy: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
ILX: listen more, talk less
WmC: ...ok.

? no wai

My post rate is probably 20%-25% of what it used to be in the RH days when I wanted everybody to know my opinion. Just checked and 10 year anniversary here was earlier this week. gaaaaahhhh

o shit I made my first post on ilm on Dec 15, 2003

happy anniversary, WmC!

Thought this thread was going to be about Adam Bruneau

― 龜, Thursday, January 16, 2014 7:49 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

LOL am i a hack or do u mean i have offered incredibly useful advice to you at some point in the past?

August 23, 2017 will be the date I've spent half my life as an ILX poster.

:/

stop rubbing your youth in my face

^ useful advice