smh @ Florida

This is the thread where we report ridiculously stupid, horrible, and outright embarrassing shit that happens in FL. mostly for lols, but of course anything goes. this is part of my therapy

I lead off with...

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/florida-judge-allegedly-attacks-lawyer-courtroom-article-1.1815085

What's up with Florida, Neanterthal? Because obviously you've got palm trees and shit, but then it's like you've got total insaniacs.

they put bath salts in the water iirc

there's a twitter account just for this purpose in case anyone hasn't already seen it
https://twitter.com/_FloridaMan

isn't there some sort of weird magnetic pole resonance thing going on down there

I simply believe that millions of people aren't supposed to be living together in the swamp like that.

http://i57.tinypic.com/2m62u74.jpg

they try to pretend like it stops right on the coast but no, s fl literally is in the bermuda triangle

This can overlap with the "sovereign citizen" thread: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/06/03/judge-orders-florida-sovereign-citizen-to-send-his-daughter-to-school-or-go-to-jail/

A Florida judge ordered a self-described sovereign citizen to send his daughter to school or face jail time.

Joseph Rosa, of Marion County, was arrested Thursday for failure to appear at a truancy hearing and brought before the judge on Monday morning.

“I do not consent or assent to anything being done here,” he repeated throughout the hearing. “I’m the executor of the state of Joseph Anthony Rosa. I demand immediate discharge of the state known as Joseph Anthony Rosa.”

Sure dude, just continuing repeating that right through your jail sentence if it makes you feel better!

these guys are nuts, but what's the point of throwing him in jail

the kid is already gonna be ignorant, making an inmate out of her dad to prove a point seems like a waste

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Woman stole lobster tails by stuffing them in her pants, DeLand police say

By Daniel Dahm, Managing Editor of ClickOrla✧✧✧.com, dd✧✧✧@clickorla✧✧✧.comPublis✧✧✧ On: Jun 12 2014 11:06:16 AM EDT Updated On: Jun 13 2014 06:35:45 AM EDTShare on facebookShare on twitterShare on google_plusone_shareA woman is arrested on suspicion of stealing lobster tails from a Volusia County grocery store by stuffing them in her pants.DeLAND, Fla. -A 30-year-old woman was arrested on allegations of stealing seven lobster tails from a Publix in Volusia County by stuffing them down her pants.[RAW VIDEO: Woman stuffs lobster tails in pants]Nichole Reed was arrested Wednesday on a charge of petit theft from a merchant.According to DeLand police, Reed entered the Publix at 2400 South Woodland Boulevard just before 2 p.m. and stole the lobster tails, valued at $11.99 apiece.The grocery store’s loss prevention officer said he saw Reed conceal the items and leave the store without paying, according to DeLand police.Reed was found near the store with the lobster tails in the front of her pants, police said.Reed said she was going to exchange the lobster tails with a friend to buy “Chinese buffet or Dilaudid, a prescription drug, according to police.Reed, who has six previous arrests, was taken to the Volusia County Jail.  She later posted bond and was released.Watch Local 6 News and stay with ClickOrlando.com for more

Wait, is Chinese buffet a Florida slang term for Dilaudid?

Idk-literally the only pages that come up when i google it are this story

http://gawker.com/tsa-agent-not-sure-what-this-so-called-district-of-col-1605528658?utm_campaign=socialflow_gawker_facebook&utm_source=gawker_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

Hey Florida.

are you cool?

http://www.wptv.com/news/region-c-palm-beach-county/loxahatchee-acreage/man-accused-of-tossing-gator-into-wendys-drive-thru-window

tossing a gator sounds really hard

hi!

the ever-loving fuck?

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2017/03/28/woman-who-enhanced-butts-with-glue-and-cement-gets-10-years-for-manslaughter/?utm_term=.e3bdaae40f61

“All parties share the responsibilities and the blame for their own actions and the role they played,” Lanphear told the Sun Sentinel. “There was an assumption of risk obligation from the victims.”

uhh, no, p sure you can't practice without a license

so we just voted to go to Atlantic Standard time (ie no more Daylight SAvings time). requires Department of Transportation and federal Congress approval.

I hate the idea, not because I think DST is necessary, but because it's a logistical nightmare being out of alignment with other East coast states for half of the year. Puerto Rico uses AST and since our office often has dual call centers with both PR and Orlando resources, it's caused lots of problems, usually from people that don't understand PR is not on Eastern time.

if all of the East coast states abolished DST, then I wouldn't give a fuck.

Sounds like a bad idea

Oh wait no I misunderstood, you’d be UTC-4 all year? Yeah that’s good. Except for going it alone lol.

Yeah - it's not that I object to not being on DST anymore, it's that I object to being the ONLY DAMN EAST COAST STATE that does it.

wonder how many tourists would be accidentally show up late to everything because they forget and travel to FL during the half of the year when we're an hour ahead

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/woman-rides-white-horse-miami-nightclub-article-1.3867072

not great

https://splinternews.com/florida-didnt-count-thousands-of-absentee-ballots-maile-1830999491

My fave Florida essay:

https://lithub.com/the-problem-with-writing-about-florida/

The wet bathing suit around your ankles is nicely evocative. And I like the bit about jalousie windows. Whatever happened to those?

"Fecundity" strikes me as a key Florida word. Humidity and fecundity.

https://m.orlandoweekly.com/Blogs/archives/2019/04/22/the-easter-bunny-literally-beat-someone-up-in-downtown-orlando-last-night

Witnesses saw the man, identified as Cody Meader, 20, take the plush snowman toy down from a display of Disney’s Frozen merchandise in a St. Petersburg-based store. After lying the toy down on the floor, Meader then proceeded to ‘dry hump’ it until he achieved ejaculation.

After putting the doll back on the shelf, Meader then ‘selected a large unicorn stuffed animal’ he also began to have sex with. The incident took place on Tuesday (October 22) at approximately 2pm.

Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
According to a police report obtained by The Smoking Gun, Meader was detained by officers while still in the Target store.

After being read his Miranda rights, Meader admitted to having done ‘stupid stuff’ and to having ‘nutted’ on the stuffed Olaf toy. He was then arrested on charges of criminal mischief.

Both the Olaf doll and the stuffed unicorn were removed from the store and destroyed. The police report noted the toys in question could not be resold ‘due to circumstances’, and the damage inflicted totalled $200 or less.

Joe Exotic sentenced to 22 years in prison for attempting to murder Tampa's Big Cat Rescue CEO

He also testified in his own defense at trial, despite a judge’s warning.

Besides being a tiger enthusiast, Joe Exotic was also a self-proclaimed country music star and ran for president in 2016 and then governor of Oklahoma in 2018. When he ran for governor, his campaign signs read, “Joe F--king Exotic.”

https://cdn1us.denofgeek.com/sites/denofgeekus/files/styles/article_width/public/2017/11/tim_heidecker_trial_3_0.jpg

Joe...Exotic.

Nothing surprises me here anymore. Not that long ago i witnessed a thief running Olympic track speeds out of a 7-11, pursued by nobody at all, because he had just shoplifted a bag of Cheetos

Neanderthal, I've got a Joe Exotic thread on 77. Check it out. I wasn't aware of this update though, so thanks!

Why is there a poster for Electric Sun Desert Music Festival in the background?

Also, lol at "due to circumstances" upthread.

Why is there a poster for Electric Sun Desert Music Festival in the background?

that is a screencap from the trial of tim heidecker

i'm in florida again for the first time in years... the tap water is disgusting

sulphurous?

assphorus

i'll come fp u in person

Central florida tap water is mostly fine. You must be up north

I’m in st Pete rn and it’s not terrible at my hotel. I have been places down here where it’s... not great

Was gonna ask what part of FL you're in because in SE Florida and the Keys the water comes from the Biscayne Aquifer and tastes normal to me. Other aquifers supply other parts of the state, iow it's all water from underground but I suspect weird-tasting water is down to whatever is added to it locally.

the water's bland and unremarkable but it's hardly like water in Manila here or anything

hehe i'm in ~le hyperbougie~ south FL + it's not thaaat bad, just rhondaing. in the 10 years since i left here i've become accustomed to rocky mountain runoff water which is delicious and one of the few things i feel superior about

water's fine in Miami -- one of the safer places actually

I drink tap water

SW Florida (Ft Myers, Sanibel, Sarasota) you can taste the chlorine or whatever

Good man.

Is this even legal?

Florida prosecutors at their finest

https://reason.com/2020/09/25/florida-drops-prostitution-case-against-robert-kraft-still-pursues-charges-against-the-women-he-paid/

https://www.tampabay.com/news/crime/2020/11/17/florida-man-with-sovereign-citizen-views-shot-to-death-by-woman-police-say/

xp :(

Linked at the bottom of that^ Tampa Bay News page:

Up next: Man arrested after I-4 power pole is found strapped to his car roof

is "power pole" a euphemism

this is Orange County, defined:

https://www.clickorlando.com/news/local/2021/04/28/oops-misspelled-word-painted-in-orange-county-school-zone/?

so Florida is *mostly* unaffected by the pipeline hack, other than the Panhandle. however, idiot rumormongers started a rumor that gas shortages would occur here, so now pumps in unaffected TAMPA and other cities are empty. fucking idiots

https://www.foxbusiness.com/politics/florida-gov-ron-desantis-declares-state-emergency-sunshine-state-doesnt-need-panic

Two stories counts as trend, right?

https://floridapolitics.com/archives/485132-john-kuczwanski-killed-in-road-rage-incident/
https://wgntv.com/news/pregnant-hit-and-run-driver-fatally-shot-after-instigating-road-rage-incident-police-say/

1.) Florida state Republican official ends up dead after a.) causing a traffic accident and then b.) trying to shoot the person he hit — who turns out to be carrying too (yes, even the Prius drivers are armed). "He was a quiet fellow," a coworker says — a quiet fellow with a previous conviction for threatening someone with a gun during a road rage incident.

2.) Pregnant Florida woman hits a motorcyclist and speeds off. Motorcyclist follows her to her house, she comes out armed and shooting, motorcyclist (also armed, of course) shoots and kills her.

In both cases, I wonder what would have happened if the road rager had been successful in killing the other motorist. My guess is they would have gotten off on "stand your ground" or similar defense.

The second article doesn’t say she fired?

Ah, you're right. I guess brandishing was sufficient cause for the other guy to shoot her.

It really does seem like we're coming to a point where whoever survives a gunfight gets to claim self-defense. At least in "stand your ground" states.

Further feeding my working assumption that every driver on the road is armed and ready to shoot, so I never so much as even honk aggressively at shitty and dangerous drivers.

I have cut way back on honking for the same reason. We had a road rage shooting death in our neighborhood last year. I honked at a guy the other week who zoomed across two lanes of traffic to get on an interstate ramp. My wife yelled, "Don't honk, he'll shoot you!"

This is our great 2A society.

Not to worry, I'm sure they're all good guys with guns.

we are just going to go back to dueling to solve disputes aren't we?

An armed society is a polite society.

Florida is breeding grounds for road rage. I completely abstain from antagonism now (save for a dude I flipped off for holding up the line at my apt complex entrance, then telling him to get the fuck back in his car when he got out - I was in a mood that day).

have had too many friends be the victim of road rage. there was a colleague that worked for my company once who was a perpetrator of it here - like ten years ago or so. he I guess got in a road rage incident with a dude and they must have hit each other so he got out of his car and punched the guy in the car in the face, and that guy was packing and shot him. he didn't die, but he was in bad shape for a while.

i am thankful I live in a much bluer area of Florida, just sayin'.

I call drivers assholes and tell them to go fuck themselves on my bicycle all the time. At a certain point, I know I'm being reckless, but the options are yelling and maybe getting shot or not yelling and definitely getting hit by some shithead driver.

I mean in that case, it's survivalist instincts!

So in an actuarial sense, would hunting down the person that hit your car and winning a gun fight raise or lower your insurance rates?

Republican politicians wife is a piece of work, claiming he was "assassinated"

In my fucking backyard

https://m.dailykos.com/stories/2022/1/30/2077621/-A-Neo-Nazi-rally-has-taken-place-in-the-suburban-streets-of-Orlando

Livid

I wonder if they got permits for this protest, and if so, how they did so.

In Sacramento, they would always hide behind these group names like "South Africa Survivors" and stuff, then the people who would show up would be identifiable members of various skinhead/fash groups.

If permits were issued to the NSM, then Orlando has some bigger problems than we knew.

I'm going with the latter given our Governor

Why wouldn't they get permits? Not getting one would violate the First Amendment, no? It's the Skokie argument.

(I uh am not defending them; it's the law)

Oh I know you wouldn't defend them, but I couldn't really tell from where they were standing whether that was just some random stripmall or a place of power— in Sac, they would always be at one end of the capitol building.

As in, if it was just some random dudes at a stripmall, then it might not actually be protected— if it was the stripmall's property. But whatever, I know it's Florida.

Waterford Lakes is a strip mall, basically with Chili's, a Regal, Best Buy, etc.

Very busy area where they knew they'd have a lot of visibility

It's near the University of Central Florida

Also a much bluer area than the rest of FL so they knew they'd get a rise. Pieces of shit.

lol typical

today is the day Floridians freak out because the weather dipped below 70 (it's 55).

Ima enjoy it.

Lucky you. I "only" got 71.

dat's a bummer, though I like the 70s as well.

It was 37 when I took my son to school this morning.

40s here. It's a damp cold. I have just pushed the sleeves of my long-sleeved t-shirt (all you really need right now) up over my elbows.

Damp cool here too.

for a second I read jon's post as "i was 37 when I took my son to school this morning" and I was going to volunteer to give his kid's ride to school so I can relive my 30s

https://i.ibb.co/ysY5rHV/FB-IMG-1682124902922.jpg

Are they making a baby car?

complete piece of shit

https://www.politico.com/news/2023/04/24/florida-surgeon-general-covid-vaccine-00093510

At Disney watching my brother perform and I see two numbnuts with a Punisher Mickey t shirt

are those bootlegs I hope?

Yeah Etsy bootlegs probably

Magazineboat Willy

That Magazineboat Willy shirt will be perfectly legal in 12 days! Though I'm not sure if that will be more appealing or less appealing to the type of people who would wear it

Ronnie Deez talks about the arts budget cuts by referencing Orlando's Fringe Festival by name and calling a "sexual Festival where they do stuff"

Hey buddy don't get ornery cos yer not getting any.

In eight years of doing that Festival my well was dry so maybe I missed out too

so of course he cuts all arts funding, including the freaking opera.

he's a fucking half-baked rigatoni, would love to spit on him one day