Alex Needham - dud or THE WORST FUCKING WRITER EVER TO HAVE GRACED THE NME?

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Having bought the NME in the first time in donkey's years on the basis of wanting to look at the Top 100 Singles list, I then compounded this by taking a look at the website. The first two reviews I read are absolutely fuck-awful and, surprise, both written by the same bloke.

MISSY ELLIOTT - Work It

"Gimme a pig’s foot and a bottle o’ beer" demanded blueswoman Bessie Smith in song. Missy Elliott always seemed a Bessie Smith kind of woman – large in size, talent and appetite for life. So when ‘Work It’ first emerged on the Internet it seemed marvellously louche – a vision of sexual abundance in which Missy demands "Go downtown and eat it like a vulture… See my ass go ba-dom-pa-domp-domp".
Now it transpires that Missy’s become more of a celery stick and glass of Evian type of person, the sex in ‘Work It’ presumably to be fitted in between treadmill sessions. Fortunately Missy’s musical talents haven’t gone the way of her booty. She just seems to have lost some of her… Missyness.

The second is this review of the Justin Timberlake album, with particular reference to the bits about Justin "poncing off black talent" (yeah, I bet the Neps were FUMING about that in the studio).

Is this man incapable of reviewing anything along any lines other than the appearance of the musicians? How on earth do you get into music journalism writing this badly?

Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 15:27 (twenty-three years ago)

I think that if anyone in the world were to come up with a plan to kill off this dinosaur, it would come from ILM. Let's hear it.

Aaron W, Wednesday, 13 November 2002 15:37 (twenty-three years ago)

The complaint in the Justin album review seems to be that he brought in outside talent to make his album much better. HOW DARE HE! HE SHOULD HAVE JUST MADE A CRAP ALBUM ALL BY HIMSELF! For fuck's sake.

weasel diesel (K1l14n), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 16:25 (twenty-three years ago)

ilxor is pro-dinosaurs

esp. this one

http://lincoln.midcoast.com/~wps/2warner/images/giraffe.gif

mark s (mark s), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 16:28 (twenty-three years ago)

Imran Ahmed's piss-awful attempts at constructing something vaguely resembling a piece of writing in the English language to thread!

Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 16:30 (twenty-three years ago)

Mark, that drawing is beautiful!

Aaron W, Wednesday, 13 November 2002 16:31 (twenty-three years ago)

Dimetrodons roolz.

Needham's comments on the Strokes (i.e. that people that don't enjoy them are sad or something) did spike him right at the top of the pile for me...

Though Ahmed is a bit rubbish too.

Mr Swygart (mrswygart), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 16:32 (twenty-three years ago)

How come I know the name Alex Needham? Where else has he written?

Tom (Groke), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 17:04 (twenty-three years ago)

The Face, perhaps?

Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 17:12 (twenty-three years ago)

HE SHOULD HAVE JUST MADE A CRAP ALBUM ALL BY HIMSELF!

Might have actually been more entertaining!

Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 18:34 (twenty-three years ago)

funny u mention him !
i thought this was just rude :
(from the tlc review) -
'considering that one of the members is 6 feet under
it's not surprising the new album lacks life..'

what a c--- .

piscesboy, Wednesday, 13 November 2002 19:48 (twenty-three years ago)

Alex Needham has a long way to go before he's as bad as Mark Beaumont.

electric sound of jim (electricsound), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 22:43 (twenty-three years ago)

J. R. Taylor is probably worse if you factor in his political stuff too.

Nate Patrin (Nate Patrin), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 22:45 (twenty-three years ago)

its amazing anyone (apart from DJ martian of course) bothers with the NME anymore.

Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 22:54 (twenty-three years ago)

Julio, I disapprove of the NME ! and moan - because they is no weekly (print) competition providing a different set of viewpoints, opinions and presentation/selection of news and reviews. I hate the unchallenged weekly bullshit of the NME.

Anyway Julio, you don't read the NME - your a loyal daily DJ Martian's Page reader correct? - by default I am the daily/ weekly opposition of the NME (with Sounds and MM gone)- you got to the know the enemy /NME and week weakly competition !

new Killing Joke album on the way in 2003 - where is the NME to report this ? A: there too busy wanking over nomark garbage garage rock - that is basic, boring, retro dull.

DJ Martian (djmartian), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 23:12 (twenty-three years ago)

I swear if I had a bunch of money I'd start a new weekly and hire everyone on ILM so we could put NME out of business.

Aaron W, Wednesday, 13 November 2002 23:17 (twenty-three years ago)

''Anyway Julio, you don't read the NME - your a loyal daily DJ Martian's Page reader correct? - by default I am the daily/ weekly opposition of the NME (with Sounds and MM gone)- you got to the know the enemy /NME and week weakly competition !''

I think abt say 18 months ago I used to care abt (keeping up to date) when recs came out so i did use to consult yr page. now i don't (though i buy more recs than ever though most of them have not been released this year...)don't look at dates but yes, yr rants were amusing for five seconds but its all repetitive and moronic bullshit.

The NME are crap: so what?

Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 23:26 (twenty-three years ago)

"Considering that one of the members is 6 feet under it's not surprising the new album lacks life.."

I find this pretty funny. It's not genius or anything. But it's funny.

Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Wednesday, 13 November 2002 23:37 (twenty-three years ago)

Well, from Matt's link, it seems Martian and Needham agree on one thing. Now, whether to allocate the bonus comedy points to DJ Martian's "NME writers and everyone else who went to Oxford are simpering twee idiots who are incapable of recognising good music! If they weren't such over-privileged morons they'd be listening to the new album by [band including members who went to Oxford]!" or to Needham's "Everyone who went to Oxford is a dusty and eccentric buggering toff [note to editor: please pullquote gratuitously pejorative 'buggering', I think it's very witty], and I bet they're all homophobic too! Er, except me, I'm great, me." Choices...

Rebecca (reb), Thursday, 14 November 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Giraffes

by Justin R.

Giraffes are funny. Giraffes like to laugh and they eat grass. They eat until they're
full. Giraffes look like dinosaurs but they're not. They like to sleep. Giraffes have
big, long necks. I really like giraffes.

mark s (mark s), Thursday, 14 November 2002 00:04 (twenty-three years ago)

Rebecca, you ain't be reading my weblog recently!


DJ Martian (djmartian), Thursday, 14 November 2002 00:13 (twenty-three years ago)

er. i can't defend the other stuff (then nor does it really inflame me either) but is the missy review so very bad? i was disappointed by her new look too and yeah! guess what ugly defensive people it did smack a little contradictory

bob zemko (bob), Thursday, 14 November 2002 00:26 (twenty-three years ago)

"I find this pretty funny. It's not genius or anything. But it's funny."

I agree, actually. He's gone up in my estimation.

weasel diesel (K1l14n), Thursday, 14 November 2002 00:26 (twenty-three years ago)

Might have actually been more entertaining!

Ned hates fun.

Nicole (Nicole), Thursday, 14 November 2002 00:33 (twenty-three years ago)

I don't get why it's contradictory. Missy still isn't skinny, and the track still has this really winning and sexy mix of self-deprecating and boastful going on. "I was disappointed by her new look" - yeah fat women who then diet get this all the time from their concerned fans, it's just reverse Lynda Lee-Potter (I'm very worried for [x], she's put on weight and let herself go) nonsense.

Tom (Groke), Thursday, 14 November 2002 00:41 (twenty-three years ago)

I bet they're all homophobic too!

I think homos like Needham are more more qualified to write about buggering and homophobia, even if his general shtick is so fucking generic.

peter r, Thursday, 14 November 2002 02:28 (twenty-three years ago)

three years pass...
ha

Really cool, wickedly cool, cooly cool bon apetit! (ex machina), Wednesday, 20 September 2006 14:00 (nineteen years ago)

ten months pass...

doing well for himself

That one guy that hit it and quit it, Friday, 20 July 2007 09:21 (eighteen years ago)

two months pass...

Fair play.

Dom Passantino, Tuesday, 9 October 2007 15:05 (eighteen years ago)


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